interior Vikings locker room fall 2017.
Case Keenum sits at his locker preparing for the 2017 season opener. Sam Bradford approaches.
Sam: “Hey Case! Whatup?”
Case: “Hey ‘Hi-Beam’ how you doing?”
Sam: “Feeling good, man. I’m ready for the season to start. I don’t think I’ve ever felt healthier or more prepared for a new season. Bring this shit ON!”
Case: “Outstanding! You’ve really been looking good in practice. Good Lord willing you have a safe, healthy and productive year. Playoffs or bust!”
mutters under his breath “Asshole.”
Sam: “Yes sir, I think I’m going to have a career year this year. Let’s go!”
Both players exit the locker room and head to the field.
*****
Later that evening after the game. Case Keenum is home with his wife, Kimberly. The Vikings have just beaten the Saints 29-19 to open the season. Sam Bradford throws 27-32, 346 yards, 3 TDs and 0 picks and generally had an incredible game.
Case: “It’s just so darn frustrating is all. I figured I had a chance here in Minnesota and that goshdarn Bradford looks fantastic.”
Kim: “But Honey, you won!”
Case: “No thanks to me. I really did a great job of holding a clipboard though.”
Kim: “Your time will come Honey. The good Lord will provide and when it’s your turn you’ll be ready. Besides, you’re making two million dollars this year to ‘hold a clipboard’. There are definitely people out there who would gladly change places with you.”
Case: “You’re right as always. It’s just that I’m not getting any younger and I really want a chance to show this league what I can do. I guess patience is called for. Thanks, Sweetie. You’re the best.”
Kim: “Love you, Hon’. I’m going to head off to bed. Don’t stay up too late studying film. You need your rest.”
Case: “I won’t, Sweetie. Just a bit longer. Good night.”
Kimberly heads off to bed.
Case: to himself “Motherfucker, I would do ANYTHING to have another shot as a starter. This Vikings team is fucking loaded and that asshole Bradford has never looked better. Godammit! Fuck I would even sell my soul for a shot to lead this team.”
/inter-dimensional portal flies open
Goodell/Lucifer: “Did somebody call?”
Case: “Roger Goodell? What? What are you doing here?”
GL: “I’m not Goodell, I’m The Devil you fucking shithead. Look at these outrageous horns on my head!”
Case: “You do bear an uncanny likeness to…”
GL: “Shut the fuck up with that, you dickhole!”
Smoke and flames begin billowing out of Goodell/Lucifer’s nose and ears.
Case: “Oh Jesus! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! What? Why are you here?”
GL: “I heard you just now. I’m here to make all of your NFL dreams come true!”
Case: “My dreams?”
GL: “Your dreams, you fuck-button! That shit you were just saying to yourself a minute ago. The fame, the money, the glory. All of it!”
Case: “For real? You can do that?”
GL: “I just said so shit for brains! Why the fuck do you think I just appeared in a puff of smoke. To give you a blow job?”
Case: “NO! NO! I’m just surprised is all. I don’t know what to think.”
GL: “Well? How about it? Want a chance to start in the NFL again?”
Case: “God, yes!”
GL: “Watch that ‘God’ shit, redneck.”
Case: “Sorry!”
GL: “How about a big ass contract next year. Maybe something like 25 mill’ up front?”
Case: “Oh fuck yes!”
GL: “How about starting for this Vikings club?”
Case: “Shit yes!”
GL: “How about I take out that smug cocksucker Bradford for you?”
Case: “YES YES!!”
GL: “How about you winning the biggest game this franchise has ever had? Something like the Super Bowl?”
Case: “Whatever you want! I’ll give you whatever you want. YES!”
GL: “Then all I ask for is a simple signature on the bottom line.”
Case: “My soul? I..I don’t know…”
GL: “Motherfucker you just said it to yourself and now you’re gonna back out? No fucking wonder you’re a second stringer. You don’t have any goddamn balls!”
Case: You’re right! You’re absolutely right. I’ll do it! I want it all!”
Case signs the contract
GL: Laughs loudly “Oh this is going to be fucking fun!”
Goodell/Lucifer disappears in a puff of smoke and brimstone.
Case: “Oh my God! What did I just do?”
Three weeks later.
*****
MONTAGE!
Vikings’ Sam Bradford: Injury potentially career-threatening
Case: “Mother of God! It’s happening! I get to lead this awesome team!”
Case Keenum leads the 2018 Minnesota Vikings to a 13-3 record behind 3,547 passing yards and 22 touchdowns. It is easily one of the Vikings best seasons in recent years.
Case: “I don’t care what it took. I’m on top of the world!”
Dateline January 14th 2018. Minneapolis MN: US Bank Stadium.
Joe Buck: “DUUUURRRRR!!!!! Vikings and Saints! NUUURRRRFFF!”
4th quarter, Vikings out of timeouts, time is expiring. Last play.
Case: “Oh my God! This is amazing. It’s really really happening!”
Zygi Wilf: “Yo Paisan! Loogit the cannoli on dis gabbagool!”
2018 NFL Offseason.
Case: “You want to sign me for HOW MUCH?!”
Elway: begins stamping his foot 25 million times.
Meanwhile back at the Keenum residence.
Kim: “My God Honey. You really did it! You’re a starter in the NFL again and you just signed a massive contract! Our God is indeed an awesome God!”
Case: “Yeah, sure. He sure is, I mean!”
They kiss.
Later that evening after Kimberly has gone to sleep. Case is studying his Broncos playbook.
/inter-dimensional portal flies open
GL: “Well, well, well! How about them apples, Cockpocket? Did I deliver or what?”
Case: “Wow. You sure did. I can’t even be mad about losing my eternal soul. You gave me everything I wanted. Plus I still get to win the Super Bowl right? Oh boy is this great!”
GL: “Who said anything about a Super Bowl, Dickapalooza?”
Case: “You did when you convinced me to sell my soul! You did I swear it!”
Goodell/Lucifer reaches into his pocket and pulls out his Iphone and shows a video of the first conversation before Case signed his soul over. The recording shows Case all alone in his home.
The recording plays: “GL: “How about you winning the biggest game this franchise has ever had? Something like the Super Bowl?”
Case: “But?”
GL: “Was that not the biggest win for the franchise?”
Case: “It’s just…”
GL: “You did catch the word ‘Like’ in there, yes?”
Case: “I mean I guess…”
GL: “Did you really think I was going to give a Jesus-thumping shit muffin like you a Super Bowl victory?”
Case: “Well, yeah!”
GL: “WOOO-HOOO! Listen to this dipshit! HAAA-HAAA-HAAA! Good luck with the rest of your career kid. AHHHH-HAAAA-HAAAA….”
Goodell/Lucifer disappears in another puff of fire and brimstone.
Case: stunned “Well. You know what? Fuck that asshole. I’m the guy who got the contract. I’ve still got my talent. I can do this without that evil bastard! I’ll show him!”
Several weeks later
Broncos Fans Are Fed Up With Case Keenum
via Deadspin
Mile High Stadium: “BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Later that night at the Keenums’.
Kim: “Cheer up Honey. It will all be fine. We’ve still got our health and the contract and you will be just fine going forward. Our Lord and Saviour will make sure of that!”
Case: “Sweetie? About that…”
Scene fades to black. In the distance there is evil laughter.
FIN
This is great!
Your GooDevil is a piece of art worthy of being in the Smithsonian.
I’m inordinately proud of it. Look at the eyes, man!
The Cousins story, had it happened would have been similar, but with a really scary dollar amount.
Watching Keenum last year….. “oh, nice, he’ll continue this , even if he drops of a little it will still be great tits with our defense.”
Five games in: “They are never coming out, are they?”
*Except on roll-outs and play action.
Without a very good offensive line Keenum is back to the mean-um.
I did get rid of the headache though.
*Greater likeness than is my desire.
Given it’s Denver, I expected a little Tebow to show up on his shoulder.
Good jorb!
I think we have a new default image for Goodell
The Devil’s influence really explains how the fuck the Saints DB forgot how to tackle on that play.
I still insist it was a glitch in the Matrix but this works too.
Shit, he could take $5million of that and buy a thousand republican legislators’ souls.
I mean, they ain’t worth a shit but it’s a starting point for some craigslist trades…
I think those have long been bought by others.
“They were born sold.”
-NRA, etc., etc., etc.
You must be thinking of the most expensive ones.
The reveal of “Something ‘like’ the Super Bowl” had me laughing out loud.
Brilliant work.
the devil is in the details….
Good to see Goodell without the mask on. The mustache really makes it.