Your “Finally, London-free Football? Not so Fast” Sunday Morning NFL Open Thread

First thing first. If I may borrow from a Paul F. Tompkins bit-these folks that are flummoxed by a time change that occurred while they were sleeping? I don’t get it. “Oh, I was late for work because of the hour difference in time that took place a day before. Is the milk still good? Do I have a great, bushy beard? Who is the president?” And so on.

Next: This post is up this early because there are some footy appetizers before the NFL main course.

Man City/Southampton:

I’m still getting my feet wet on this thing and the only reason I follow this Man is because of that man-Kevin The Broom. And yeah, he’s out again for 5-6 weeks. It’s becoming a lot like tracking the career of Greg Oden. What do I know about their opponent? Most of the players live south of Hampton.

Chelsea/Crystal Palace:

I know Zaha and Eden Hazard. There.

TO THE GAMES!

Bears/Bills:

Poor Nathan Peterman. He never had a chance. I’m guessing the Bears get a big old win due to many sacks and more than a few intercepts and fumbles. De Mack out-scores the Bills.

Chiefs/Browns:

Clemson threw 77 spaghettis against the wall yesterday and Mahomes may be considering that a personal challenge. The problem here is that Gregg Williams is the neanderthal that descended from the Buddy Ryan coaching tree and I wouldn’t put it past him to throw a bounty on the Wunderkid’s  head.

Jets/Fins:

The Game That Nobody Watched. Moving on…

Lions/Vikings:

If you’ve got wr Golloday you should play him. The gap between cb1 and whoever is the cb2 on Minny is abyss-like. Marvin Jones 3 should get all the negative attention from the duct tape that is Xavier Rhodes and Golloday should thrive.

Falcons/Potato Skins:

Crowder and Thompson are out vs. Atlanta but act on that itchy feeling you have about their replacements. The Atlanta D scored a whopping 4 fantasy points against the Giants. The Giants!

Bucs/Panthers:

Harvard is back in the house! Hide your best Chardonnays and easily-impressed co-eds.

Steelers/Ravens:

Ben no like bad city that start with B. He 3-7 and throw more to other bastardmans than teammans when he visit. Head hurt already.

Give yourself a hug but keep your hands above the waist, perv.

 

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Doktor Zymm

Nope, I appreciate the amusement factor Ravens, but yeah, that one was forward

Doktor Zymm

Interesting places to go for a weekend that aren’t Tonopah, NV (cause I already know that one). Where, why?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Santa Monica or El Segundo? You have friends down this way.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also, alternatives include Point Reyes National Park and hanging out near Marshall, CA, popping up to Olympic National Park in Washington, or going down to San Diego.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

If the Bears score one more garbage time TD while holding the Bills to no points, they’ll have a scorigami.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nathan Peterman is to football what a dickless man is to sex

The Maestro

In that we all should probably feel pity for him, but we’re too emotionally damaged to actually care?

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’m going to assume the Bears are continuing to huck it down field in a blowout because they want to get Trubisky more opportunities, because it’s hard to justify any other way.

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Oh Mayfield…trying to do too much…

Brocky

I sometimes fantasize about what I would do if i had God like powers.

I like to think I’d be creatively spiteful. Like turning people into actual portapotties. They couldnt say anything, but theyd be aware of everything

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Realistically? I think humans would be as interesting to you as micro-organisms are interesting to you right now.

You wouldn’t be able to connect with a human in any conceivable fashion and eventually you just become aloof to all the needs and concerns of humanity.

At least that is my opinion when I obviously over think this…

Brocky

So what you’re saying is that I need to curse someone with self awareness to ensure their sanity, ensuring that my revenge is fulfilled.

Solid advice bro

Doktor Zymm

Weddell, Widdle, whatevs

Doktor Zymm

It’s entirely because WAS wore the white pants. This never would have happened with the yellow pants.

The Maestro

Wait… Peterman scored a TD? Really?

Brocky

Refs did everything in their power to make it happen

Doktor Zymm

It’s not Thursday, but….https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-FKpWiHijo

Brocky

I am legtimatley too lazy to look it up. Is the ben dead?

Spur
Spur

Yeah, his Nephew Peter Parker is going to have to look for his Grandma alone now.

Brocky

I legit want another Bill’s turn over just to stick it to these refs.

Doktor Zymm

Okay, this makes me like the Niners a lot more, though they still play in San Jose and the area don’t give a shit about em. But they were probably fun back in the day when they also didn’t suck!

rockingdog
rockingdog

ummmm is fizpatrick gonna do this?

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

The Maestro

Howdy, folks. Been busy doing snow tires. Finally time to get these leg prisons off and settle in to some of the games.

Doktor Zymm

THE PANTS THE!

Brocky

This josh peterman i call a wet turd because he’s slippery as fuck

rockingdog
rockingdog

tarik cohen is really shitting this…. dam it

Brocky

Are the refs trying to prolong the game so they don’t have to switch to a different one?

King Hippo

why is OPI 10 yards in the NFL, instead of 15? MAKES NO SENSE

Doktor Zymm

Part 2 of ‘Heroes of the Gridiron’ explains everything, including why the Browns have been awful:

King Hippo

way to get your money’s worth, Josh Norman!

King Hippo

my cover will come down to #ThePauls missing they 4th straight 2-pointer

King Hippo

Chefs are not playing to make sure they cover, SAD HIPPO

Brocky

……cant say I agree with that call against the bears. Shit like that happens every game

Doktor Zymm

I know there’s a stiff competition, but I nominate Oklahoma for worst state

King Hippo

one more TD should dae it, Mahomes-y

Doktor Zymm

Why doesn’t JuJu Smith-Schuster have his own shoe line?

King Hippo

I gots a JuJu shoe shoe!

/checks out

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

BEN BRAIN NO HURT. BEN THROW BALL.

King Hippo

Give The Ben all day, what could go wrong?

Doktor Zymm

BEN CAN’T HAVE INJURY! BEN NO HAVE NERVOUS SYSTEM! BEN NO BE NERVOUS!

Redshirt

Well for four minutes it was a good and just world at least.

Spur
Spur

The Ravens should take turns jumping on Ben.

Redshirt

Aw, hell. They don’t have Landry Jones anymore?

Doktor Zymm

Dobbs Time?

Doktor Zymm

When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way from your first cigarette to your INT to the Dolphins Day

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Fellow degenerates.

WCS

THE BEN HAVE OUCHIE

King Hippo

I assume they keep horse tranqs on-site by the vat

Doktor Zymm

If only he was rolling around on the ground in shame rather than pain

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

JOSH DOBBS TIME BABY

Redshirt

Big Ben Big Ded.

Redshirt

Spur
Spur

BEN DEAD

King Hippo

YES!!!! Ded The Ben!!!!

rockingdog
rockingdog

throw it to cohen!!!! go bears!!!
comment image

Doktor Zymm

Hippo’s -9 looking good!

King Hippo

but nae safe

King Hippo

the failed duece helps

Doktor Zymm

Take a shot and carry on, you probs ok

King Hippo

somewhere, there is a fantasy matchup with a Bears D/ST owner and a Minny one. Both cursing God and man.

rockingdog
rockingdog

yes min defense can get it!!!

King Hippo

Tyrod time!

Doktor Zymm

For the first time ever, I should have started A. Smith over B. Mayfield

Doktor Zymm

Naemind. He throw TD

King Hippo

he got better!

Doktor Zymm

Fun Hobby, imagining exactly how huge all those linemen with potbellies are gonna get once they ain’t on a training schedule