First thing first. If I may borrow from a Paul F. Tompkins bit-these folks that are flummoxed by a time change that occurred while they were sleeping? I don’t get it. “Oh, I was late for work because of the hour difference in time that took place a day before. Is the milk still good? Do I have a great, bushy beard? Who is the president?” And so on.
Next: This post is up this early because there are some footy appetizers before the NFL main course.
Man City/Southampton:
I’m still getting my feet wet on this thing and the only reason I follow this Man is because of that man-Kevin The Broom. And yeah, he’s out again for 5-6 weeks. It’s becoming a lot like tracking the career of Greg Oden. What do I know about their opponent? Most of the players live south of Hampton.
Chelsea/Crystal Palace:
I know Zaha and Eden Hazard. There.
TO THE GAMES!
Bears/Bills:
Poor Nathan Peterman. He never had a chance. I’m guessing the Bears get a big old win due to many sacks and more than a few intercepts and fumbles. De Mack out-scores the Bills.
Chiefs/Browns:
Clemson threw 77 spaghettis against the wall yesterday and Mahomes may be considering that a personal challenge. The problem here is that Gregg Williams is the neanderthal that descended from the Buddy Ryan coaching tree and I wouldn’t put it past him to throw a bounty on the Wunderkid’s head.
Jets/Fins:
The Game That Nobody Watched. Moving on…
Lions/Vikings:
If you’ve got wr Golloday you should play him. The gap between cb1 and whoever is the cb2 on Minny is abyss-like. Marvin Jones 3 should get all the negative attention from the duct tape that is Xavier Rhodes and Golloday should thrive.
Falcons/Potato Skins:
Crowder and Thompson are out vs. Atlanta but act on that itchy feeling you have about their replacements. The Atlanta D scored a whopping 4 fantasy points against the Giants. The Giants!
Bucs/Panthers:
Harvard is back in the house! Hide your best Chardonnays and easily-impressed co-eds.
Steelers/Ravens:
Ben no like bad city that start with B. He 3-7 and throw more to other bastardmans than teammans when he visit. Head hurt already.
Give yourself a hug but keep your hands above the waist, perv.
This bears Bills game I call Haley Joel Osment because it is getting ugly fast
Fun fact: he once liked one of my tweets
He looks like a normal beardy bear. Though I forget, what did he do again? I know he was some sort of cute kid in a movie?
Sixth sense and AI?
Right!
Last decent film I remember seeing him in was second hand lions. After that, I don’t know
Wait, Secondhand Lions is a real film and not a joke on the similarities between Haley Joel Osment and Matthew Stafford???
I picked up the twist on Sixth Sense, and I refused to see AI because of the Kubrik/Spielburg thing.
I think he payed it backwards after being left home with somebody.
He was the go to “cute kid” in movies for awhile there.
I don’t really expect commentators to know every rule, but it seems pretty basic to understand pass interference can’t be called within a yard of the line of scrimmage if you’re paid to call a game.
Also: Billols
The Bears are stealing picnic baskets in Buffalo.
J Peterman gon J Peterman
The one good thing when the Browns are losing big at home early…you can make out the “FUCK YOU” every time the Chiefs score…clear as day.
indeed, twas delightful
Why do I only have a Fox (WSH/ATL) AM option? No CBS love because our shitty local team is on bye?
guess you will also get Donks/500s late, which I am sure you will gladly watch over Saints v. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!
Blame the Jews or Mexicans….Can you donate to my GoFundMe? i have medical bills – MAGA Americans
If the Ravens get rid of their Harburgh, Double J needs to get him.
rumoured to be who Donks want, and why VJ hasn’t been fired already. Kubes connection.
If they do get rid of him, that means it time for Rex to come back to Baltimore.
Good lord that would be great, going from that emotionless, soulless, and incompetent yes man to Harbaugh.
Peterman was so close to going a full half without an INT. But all things considered, this is the hottest he’s ever been to start a game.
Hold my beer! – J Peterman
It may still qualify as the best first half of his career.
There’s that good Lions defensing we’ve become so accustomed to subverting their superpowered offense for the last decade.
Oh, and for those of you who have been following the Maryland Football killed a kid scandal, there are a handful of heads rolling, but not nearly enough. UMD needs to be gutted, but this is more than just UMD, the NCAA needs to die.
http://www.sportingnews.com/us/ncaa-football/news/jordan-mcnair-timeline-explaining-events-that-led-to-dj-durkin-firing-at-maryland/seetgra20r1eej5qiip3ny7
“Hey now, may he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
-Penn State
“What happened???” – SMU
All SMU did was pay their players the agreed amount per their contracts.
At this point, a school could run a cannibal rape ring and the NCAA would punish them less than SMU.
Killing kids, raping kids, etc. : Slap on the wrist with pay
Paying kids even a tiny bit : DEATH PENALTY
Kids selling their own property : SUSPENSION FOR MULTIPLE GAMES
And the NCAA has a legal monopoly on football. Fuck em. Fuck em. Fuck em. They need to be brought down.
YUP
I haven’t even been able to prevent the woman from bringing in an endless stream of Michigan State merch and they were running a child molestation factory, so
Slap a Spartan logo on this fucking thing and people will buy two to show how much they don’t like blue and maize.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0NgUhEs1R4
Hmmmm… So I guess the really stupid, infuriating loss will come against *checks schedule* the Giants.
That would be…impressive!
If they win today they’ll be 5-3 with the Rams being the only “well shit we’ll get smashed” game on the schedule. With five divisional games upcoming, it’s very easy to see them getting 10 wins and the division if they just win the majority of them. That’s still difficult for me to process.
I don’t know…good luck with that
Hue Jackson just threw his beer at his TV, pissed off that the Browns ran it in for a TD on a 1st and goal.
A true coach knows to throw four incompletes in a row in that situation.
Hue Jackson owns a TV? That’s rich. He sold it on Tuesday for two pockets full of oatmeal behind the soup kitchen.
Dude…he got paid for three years of work. He ain’t broke.
It’s like you don’t read this site at all…
Not if he manages his finances as well as he does his football teams.
I kind of picture him as a better off version of Terry Crews in “Everybody Hates Chris”
He is at the bar near the trainyards as he hides from the yardbull.
Nah, Hue has a one-room efficiency and he got his TV secondhand just like the hot plate he cooks his canned chili on.
“If it was a color tv then he got ripped off. He should talk to my oatmeal guy.”
-Jim Tomsula
Chubb has vision, knows how to follow blockers. Huh.
See Shula is bum. Norv knows how to use Newton and the Panthers skill players.
Man alive, Black Panthers are finally using their athletes in space. Could be a dangerous side in January after all.
Fun play, but sheeeeyit. That ain’t no defense.
I picked a Panthers and Steelers SuperB Owl.
Stafford has zero pocket awareness.
he’d be ded if not for all those sweet layers of protective fat
He is about as mobile as a mud golem hit with a freezing sphere spell.
Browns converting on 4th? Just great.
This just in. James Conner: Good at the footbaw.
John Conner: Good at leading a resistance
Much like Stormy Daniels, I sat on Chubb for awhile but I didn’t feel much of anything so I let him go.
If I was Stormy Daniels, I would never stop douching, yeast infections or no
Forget vinegar, sulfuric acid would be advised.
The Browns aren’t even playing the same fucking sport ass the Chiefs…
Why the fuck did I ever become a fan of this franchise?
That’s an excellent question. I always just assumed you were from Cleveland and wanted to maintain a connection to home, which raises questions as well.
I’m from Baltimore. Since we didn’t have a team during my childhood, I bucked the local trends of the Steelers and the [*Redacted] s primarily because I had a radio in my bedroom and I could get Ohio stations. So somehow I became a Browns fans.
I never really connected with the Ravens.
Fair enough. The Ravens started when I was in high school I think? And I was surprised that people got behind them so quick, though I guess the quick success didn’t hurt. The Browns weren’t always awful, I know, but that must have been some damn good radio!
Also, was there a Philly contingent around? That’s a hell of a lot closer than Pitt.
No Philly because NFC fans tended to be skins fans.
We lived in Delaware, so the loyalties swung between Baltimore and Philly. The older Baltimore types stuck with the Colts with the eyes of an abuse victim and never spoke of where they are now.
Browns stick with Browns! – Jefferson Beauregard S., Lickspittle, AL
Oh shit, Magnum is going to be in trouble this week. Crazy new plot twists like that are what keep me tuning in each week.
FITZMAGIC MOTHER FUCKER!!!!
*Pours out the rest of the Cremant de Bourgogne*
Hmmm, I’m not pacing my booze well.
Mahomes-y can nae even save me, for Senor has Tyreek and Kelce
KC getting way too cocky running wr end-arounds on the reg.
like a Cat playing with a mouse it caught.
very apt analogy
.
.
https://munchies.vice.com/en_us/article/wn7zgx/being-a-chef-made-me-forget-i-have-a-micropenis
Oof. No Denzel Ward, Factory no cover.
I think coked out red zone guy just made a boo-boo, unless there are two Quinton Dunbars in the league?
Acknowledged and forgiven
There’s the mea culpa. Good ear, Dok.
There’s a Mr. Goodbar.
Mahomes-y rushing TD would be swell
Bollo de la Verdad! Leading the prophecied to the Promised Land
3 and 20…screen pass for a 35 yard fucking gain.
Yep, Gregg was the answer to the Brown’s problems.
TOTES
You’d think that Le’Veon Bell’s arch-enemy would be Pitt management but it’s actually James Conner.
I would 100% support Donks WOO!! signing Le’Veon
A Bell/Lindsay combo would be the thing to get the Donkers back to double digit wins.
Okay, I man have only been 5 years old at the time, but THIS is the team I’m a fan of. Fuck that Dan Snyder shit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOA2j0C55SI
Also, jersey tucked into 80’s jeans? GOLD
$25 on Pittsburgh to win by 7-12 at +600.
I’d say 8 or 11 is quite feasible
How strange, as soon as Pitt goes up by 11 the Bovada site has an “outage.”
$150 richer. Don’t tell my lady friend.
Now that’s a bet you can set your clock to.
The Browns could only have 9 people on the field and you would not see a drop in their effectiveness.
AMAZING CONSISTENCY!
All the pundits told me to sit Tevin Coleman. HAH! I win.
as do Senor
I wish a Raven would run into Tomlin. I want to see a fight.
Ben wants to turn the ball over so badly right now.
HARF, you see The Ben kick to purple catch man? That was fun
Did Detroit do anything to try to make up for losing Tate? Did they go after Dez at least?
They have two good receivers that are close to being “stars”.
Remember when hip hop was the hot new thing and even the NFL wanted in on it? I want this back.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjuszJUbaZI
this just in – Joe Flacco sucks and is totes jelly of Lamar!
I notice the hamster picture.
There is a man who is spending a lot of time and money designing from the ground up an underwater paradise for hamsters called “Hampture”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sppK9mmyRCw
Here is his blog…
http://hampture.blogspot.com/
He has a gofundme page if anyone is interested.
I just have one question, because the answer to it would probably answer all my others – Why?
I think it started as a joke…but the guy doesn’t half ass stuff. Like he does a crazy amount of testing and everything has double and triple backups. The dude comes off as a bit unhinged.
Sadly, recently he lost his two hamsters and he hasn’t been posting stuff of late. They didn’t drown…he had to go out of state for something and his shithead roommate let his hamsters starve to death.
Yeah, I started reading his blog. Sad about the hamsters, the roommate should have been placed in one of these aquatic habitrails and left without food.
If the dude ever let his former roommate’s identity known to the weirdos that follow the Hampture project…that guy’s life would be wrecked.
will #ThePauls miss a 52-yard FG or punt for a touchback? Choose Your Own Adventure!
Browns fans thinking that they’d get the benefit of the doubt on a PI call is so damn adorable.
Redacteds brought back Joe Gibbs, Raiders brought back Chuckie, when will the Bears bring back Ditka?
http://sportsmockery.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/Dave-Wannstedt.jpg
sure, NOW Njoku wants to show a goddamned pulse
Turns out I can be even more ambivalent about Alex Smith than I was about Kirk Cousins
come on min defense. get me an INT!!!!!
Damn I forgot there was someone named Jaquizz!
All season I’ve been predicting the Bears will eat shit against a clearly inferior opponent and usually I’ve picked the Bills so I’m eager to be proven right to my own detriment.
I’m guessing Buffalo Bill Cody attended at least one bear baiting, so it’s also historically accurate!
this is proper Chi**** sports fan self-hatred
Considering how the 2016 Cubs will become the new 1985 Bears, I’m just going to embrace the void
#TehVoid always wins
– Nietzsche