INT. BIDWILL RESIDENCE, THANKSGIVING DAY

An unconventional Thanksgiving fare sits untouched on the kitchen counter. Presented on silver platters and crystal serving dishes, the stuffed turkey is replaced with a whole roasted pig. The sides are not typical bowls of mashed potatoes, stuffing, and green beans. Rather, the accompaniments are bowls of noodles chow mien, dumplings, fried rice and, in lieu of biscuits, neatly stacked eggrolls. The steam still rising from the options, the host calls to his band of guests seated about a large living room who are intently watching an NFC East rivalry battle.

Michael Bidwill: Hi!

The guests are not responsive, focusing on a replay on the screen as the men in the room debate if the play presented ‘was a catch.’

Steve Keim: Guys! Hey! [hic] Mike’s [hic] got something to say. Mike, go ahead.

The guests respond to the towering General Manager watching from the dining room table, quietly turning their attention to BIDWILL as the television continues to broadcast at full volume.

Bidwill: Hi!

The television continues to broadcast behind the guests, BIDWILL blankly starring over the guests and seemingly through the window at the home’s premium valley view.

Keim: Look, I think what the boss is saying is….uhhh….thanks for everyone coming to Thanksgiving. Season’s been tough but we have our healths, our freedoms, and our faith so we’re excited to all enjoy this dinner together. So if you guys all want to grab a plate, uhhh, apparently in a nod to Steve’s — Other Steve’s, I mean — outside the box style, it looks like we’re going with Chinese food this year.

Bidwill: David Johnson between the tackles for five touches per game!

– [Door Flies Open] –

Mike McCoy: Hey guys, sorry I’m late. Damn gate guard didn’t want to let me in and then the parking is pretty tight here but, yeah…Hey, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Bidwill: Hi!

Keim: Oh uhhh…..Michael. Hello. I uhhh…didn’t know you would still be coming since we, you know, let you go.

McCoy: It’s all just business, Steve. I’m just glad to be able to spend the day reflecting on all the good things I do have. Not making it as an OC when your quarterbacks are fucking Sam Bradford and Josh Rosen isn’t the worst thing in the world.  Besides, when I got the invite in August, I RSVP’d immediately.

Sam Bradford: Happy Thanksgiving Mike.

Bidwill: ♫ R S V P-Elemenoh-Pee! ♫

McCoy: Sam. Oh, hey man. I didn’t know players were going to be joining us today and —

Josh Rosen: Afternoon, Coach.

McCoy: Josh. Oh, hey man. Happy….well, do you do Thanksgiving? If so, Happy Thanksgiving.

Rosen: Why the fuck wouldn’t I do Thanksgiving, Mike? Think I’m not grateful to still have my health, even after calling plays that take five seconds to develop behind your offensive line that allows about two seconds before Von Miller kills me? You know, a balanced offense may —

Keim: Hey! How about we all go ahead and eat now?! Line up, everyone, we’re going buffet-style. I am going to grab a drink if anyone needs anything. We got —

BIDWILL points to the television and, grabbing the remote control, announces to the room!

Bidwill: Incoming call!

Justice Brett Kavanaugh (R-Supreme Court): Michelob Mike! Happy Thanksgiving! Hey man, I hate to be short but I just stepped out into my art studio to get away from Shwig and Rapey Jameis so I could call my old Georgetown Prep classmate and loyal supporter, Mike Bidwill!

Keim: Oh hey Brett!

Kavanaugh: Steve! Hey man, what you drinking back there? Got any beer?

Keim: Haha! Good one, O’Kavs. You may have beat me before but, next time, I’m gonna drink you under the table!

Kavanaugh: And then go race through a DUI checkpoint.

Bidwill: That’s my Steve! HA HA HAHA HA!

Kavanaugh: Hey look guys, I gotta run. We got this whole thing going on and — oh, is that the kid from UCLA back there? Hey man, do you know a couple girls who apparently can’t taste when their drink has been spiked? Because they said they went to UCLA and I thought you might have some tips for my….just the tip, you know?

Rosen: Sir, I have nothing to say to you. You’re a rotten human being without any sense of integrity or professionalism. While some may focus on your offenses as an unindicted sexual predator, I recognize that you are a much greater threat as an agent of foreign powers seeking to systemically destroy our republic and are finding much success because the lowlifes in and around this administration can be so cheaply bought off. And, since I am on my soap box —

Kavanaugh: Look, I gotta go. You guys enjoy your globalist Thanksgiving. I’m gonna go get with the boys so we can execute some stuffing, if you get my drift.

McCoy: Oh we get it alright, haha. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Kavanaugh: Uhh…yeah, whatever. Look, you stay cool Mike. See ya later.

The call ends and the television returns to the football game broadcast.

Bradford: What the hell was that?

McCoy: What? I was keeping the conversation flowing. Just doing what’s best for the party.

Bidwill: I’m cool!

Bradford: That was Brett “The Red Justice” Kavanaugh. You got me fired and then you couldn’t even introduce me to the man whose endorsement would make me the next governor of Oklahoma?

A glass flies across the room, shattering against the wall over BRADFORD’s shoulder.

Keim: You shut your mouth!

Rosen: Oh holy Moses, he got into the rum.

Keim: Shut up! I drafted you! I made you who you are! You’d be sitting on the fucking Jets right now if it weren’t for me!

Bradford: Made him? You haven’t made anything in three years except for an endless stream of vodka martinis in your water bottle at practice! Yeah, you think we don’t notice? The olives are a dead giveaway.

McCoy: I understand you are upset with Steve but you don’t talk to the front office like that! You’re cut!

Bradford: Cut?! You can’t fucking cut me!

BIDWILL turns from the buffet spread holding up two handfuls of chow mien. 

Bidwill: Why not? Anybody can cut.

Bradford: Why not?! [Points at MCCOY] Because this bum isn’t even on the staff! [Turns to ROSEN] And this dipshit is getting hammered for pennies on the dollar! [Points at KEIM] And this drunk bastard already cut me anyways! How can you even ask this question? How do you not know how cuts work and you own the franchise?!

Bidwill: I traced my hand to make the turkeys!

McCoy: It’s true. I handled the scissors for him.

BIDWILL stares at MCCOY, pursing his lips and trying to hold back the tears welling in his eyes.

Rosen: Look, I think I’m gonna head on home. This has been kind of weird and maybe Mike is right about players not being here. I’ll see you guys for film study on —

The sounds of bells jingle throughout the house. The television switches from the football game to a fireplace image. A burst of light overtakes the room and quickly fades away, stranding the men in a winter setting. 

Kyrsten Sinema-Claus: Brothers! May I remind you that the holidays are upon us? A time for goodness and the light that illuminates mankind! Let us not focus on our difference or disputes. But, rather, the things that we have in common. Even in this home today, we are all Arizonans. Now, with that in mind and with consideration for the season of goodwill among us, we can ask what are we thankful for. We can self-reflect. We can ask, simply, what brings us together?

Rosen: You really do guys AND chicks?

Sinema-Claus: That’s right ;).

The guests all look to one-another with wide-eyed appreciation. Their glasses are raised to the air.

Keim: Cheers!

Bradford: Cheers!

McCoy: Cheers!

Rosen: Mazel Tov!

Bidwill: Marble…Mafble Tar….Mazda Tah….Cheers!

Sinema-Claus [Narrating]: And so even key members of the 2018 Arizona Cardinals could find the spirit of the holiday season. If even for one meal, they could break bread and focus on their shared appreciations rather than their franchise’s culture of failure, goodness had prevailed. Because when a football season has ended in November, it is righteous for men to celebrate a holiday season of joy, charity, and brotherhood. A season of peace that the Arizona Cardinals wish best for you and your families.