First things first-we’ll have a look at some of the fallout (or falldown in Allen Hurns’ case) from yesterday’s action.
According to a certain Mr. Schefter, Hurns has already had surgery on his un-located ankle, which is now relocated. Older white residents at the hospital are worried that Mr. Hurns’ presence will bring down the overall property value of their recovery rooms.
Some fella by the name of Kris Richard (Secondary Coach/Passing Game Coordinator for the Cowboys) will be interviewed by the Dolphins, Jets and Bucs today. Enjoy your ‘hot name’ status, guy that should be spelling his first with a ‘C’ and an ‘H”.
Another coaching candidate is the Colts D boss, Matt Eberflus. His unit finished 10th in points against with 21.6 for the season as a whole but I mathed the last six games, including a loss to the Jags and Indy is tightening the screws down to a ridiculous 13 points per tilt allowed. Given that they’re playing again next weekend I’ll save my joke about his last name till then.
TO THE GAME!
Bolts/Black Birds:
Seems fairly simple to me-the Chargers have to find a way to stop the league’s most effective run game (since Week 11) that manifests itself in the Ravens read option thingy. LAMAR!’s average is 5.5 yards per rush and when he hands off to rb Dixon (7.9) or Gus Edwards (6.4) even more damage is done. I don’t see that happening.
Last time these guys went round the maypole Baltiless forced the Rivers and Co. into 3rd and more than 10 on 66% of their total drives. Combine that with a 44% pressure rate when The Fecund One dropped back to pass and there’s your recipe for failure, if not total disaster. A partial solution might be to involve rb’s Gordon, Ekeler and Jackson in the passing game some more. This unit combined has 6 catches or less in 5 of their last 6 tilts. That won’t cure all ills but it might be a start. All in all, this is Bally’s game to lose, methinks.
Crank up the Mimosa Fountain!
Iggles rocking their undefeated all-white gear today, or their “Fast uniforms” as Merril Reese calls them, probably due to the speed in which Riley Cooper would state his preference for them.
Ratbirds just trying to get to the half so can come up with an Elite Plan B?
/Laserface frowns at Plan B
Whenever someone from the other team catches one of his passes he calls it a “contraception” no matter how many times people correct him.
He has a fertile imagination.
and there’s the Sociedad nail in RM’s coffin.
Silver lining – maybe this gets Nice Harbs fired, so Donks WOO!!! can hire him.
I doubt it. Ravens took forever to fire Billick
So GEICO Is Just Flat Out stealing that old collect call ad?
That’s either lazy or brilliant
Unrelated to this game, my sister and brother in law are already in the parking lot at soldier field for today’s tailgate. They just texted me a picture of their jello shots and bottle of bacon vodka they brought. Very on message for Chicago.
If they don’t sell red solo cups pre-seasoned inside with sausage fat for Bears tailgates, I’d be surprised.
Awww yeah, gettin’ FGed up!
fast-kicking, low-scoring ACTION!!
When you play in a soccer stadium all season, there are… consequences.
Insurmountable lead
extra-insurmountable 3-possession lead!
WOW, this is Redacteds-level playoff execution
Same watershed.
ppl forget that (hydrology)
Was that a shotput from Marmalard?
you know it
Romo just out there leisurely cursing. Insane to me that after all the years I spent insulting every aspect of his life, he’s the only thing I like about current NFL broadcasts.
You had every right and reason to hate him as a QB
Ravens D has to to put in all their IUD’s.
Dunno how this Real Squared match is still 0-1
deep down i really, really want the chargers to win this week AND next week, with andy reid doin his normal playoff stuff next week as well
an afc title game MUST be played in a shitty soccer stadium
At least that @MsMollyRachael account also had this video:
I wasn’t doing nuthin with mah thumbs anyhoo
— JPP
Glad to see Gordon is okay.
CUT TO FLACCO
“BAH GAWD, KING, THAT’S FLACCO’S MUSIC!”
/No Surprises by Radiohead drifts through the speakers
“Everyone loves a highball, right?”
-LAMAR!
WE WANT BERT! WE WANT BERT!!
godfuckingdamnit
Evergreen
yay, tis the soundtrack of this shitburger we calls life
Bad miss there. Clean pocket and blitz picked up.
Aw fuck, it’s Buck/Aikman for the next game isn’t it?
nae, Al and Crissy
#smallvictories
A Deadspin writer spent a day at a Chargers game to get a feel of who’s going to games and none were from San Diego and only a small portion from Greater L.A.
thats NOT so raven
Also I’ve caught just a few minutes of this game so far and it’s been just fumbles and field goals.
At one point the Ravens were on pace to fumble the ball thirty times in the game.
Glorious.
“Fumbles & Fieldgoals” was the name of my not-very-successful NFL Roleplaying game
“I liked it.”
– Tony Romo
We’re playing a game all about points
We’re vying for a big playoff spot
but no one is cheering
the crowd’s disappearing
’cause fumbles and field goals
aren’t
selling this year
Ravens might want to generate a turnover or sumpin’.
I’ve pondered going out among my drunken swollen people for today’s game, but I found them pretty obnoxious last week and I don’t think I could handle myself if they started shitting on “Trubinsky” for each incomplete pass.
oh ffs
https://twitter.com/MsMollyRachael/status/1081600053314310145
bahahaha!!
“Wow, that’s some science! Can’t deny that logic!” – most elected officials (local, state, federal)
“Interesting”.
/no. not really.
Kill everyone
Badgley is the Anti-Kaeding (so far)
insurmountable.
our only hope of defeating grumblelord appears to be…andrew luck?!
great.
Jim Nantz trying to inject excitement into this broadcast is hilarious.
Instead of skim milk try some 2% for that sinful indulgence
Do you think the Patriots play their starters against whoever wins this game?
nope, it’s their yearly 2-round bye
afc is a perpetual nuclear waste dump
If Flacco plays, this Ravens team can beat the Pats. Lamar is making too many mistakes right now.
I bet he didn’t even get the newest issue of Harper’s before the game smh.
I think Chargers beat the Pats. Ravens seem like the worst match up for Bolts, and I think if they get past them, that’ll give them enough XP to level up and beat the Pats in their current mini-boss form.
Plus that still allows for the Colts to beat the Chiefs (uh huh, yeahhhhh, surrrrrrrrre) and the AFC championship to be held in a tiny soccer stadium in Carson.
As a “recovering” Steelers fan, I probably shouldn’t say this, but I REALLY like this Ravens team. It’s probably the last old school team left.
would be nice if they quit shitting their pants
dad over just now lookin at shit…black mold under the carpet in the utility room
no wonder we’ve been sick more often the past few years…
That’s partly why we’ve gotten rid of all our carpets. It’s disgusting what’s in there.
Gotta go hardwood or its non-union Mexican Laminate.
Nicely done, Ratbirds!
Ugh. Running vertical against this defense is not going to work out for the Chargers line.
Somebody pump Gordon full of some Drago-grade pharmaceuticals and put him back in there.
uttt ohhhh gordon hurttttt
Chargers don’t deserve anything nice
de puta madre Spanos!
That was… innovative.
Willie Sneed always sounds like a mob goon from an old crooked boxing manager noir book
“See here Sneed, I don’t have the Corinthian Raven and I don’t know where the dame is.”
“Your gonna squawk, see, or else I’m gonna give you the ol’ Sneed special, see. Otherwise I gotta tell Ray the Knife you ain’t bein’ friendly no more.”
“The dame was in the kitchen in the next room of course, where dames belong, and the Raven was in the hidden safe behind the painting on my wall… Rats, I said the quiet part out loud.”
cant wait until ray lewis tries that dance at age 72
I stabbed a man. Twice.
And got away with it.
Scotchy? Were these 2 hobos?
Question for history buffs: who was a female ruler who was particularly tall? I am trying to think of a name for one of my, um, plants.
Charlotte Flair?
Floor Jansen
Cleopatra
One of my other plants is already named Cleopatra.
Mary Queen of Scots, who was apparently just shy of six feet tall.
Perfect! Mary, Queen of Pots.
Edit: I will save that for when I grow one in a pot.
I have to open a dispensary here. I know it’s a flooded market already, but I can’t let this name go to waste.
Female what?
Boudica
I think this might be the winner.
Simmons: “I bet this game in B-more is gonna come down to THE WIRE!”
Whitlock: “OH YEAH THAT’S A GOOD ONE THAT SHOW REALLY TOLD US HOW BLUE LIVES MATTER *FART*”
/plague of botflies descend on the studio and implant larva in their eyeballs
Marquette Golden Schmeagles have a precious nine point lead over Xavier.
Jim Tomsula is excited about the rain here in LA last night because you never know what’s gonna wash up on the shores of the LA river. Shopping cart wheels, sleeping bag halves, why one time he scrounged up an entire bag of oranges or mangoes or some kind of fruit; tasted plenty sweet once you wash the algae off.
Isn’t “Eberflus” that song they escaped right after in The Sound of Music?
Thunderbolt and LightFoot reference!
Nice!
You, my friend, get a check mark beside your name.
/have you made that cassoulet dish before?
I’ve always wanted to and now I shall. Sunday Gravy season 4 coming soon.
I’m very much enamored of French cooking recently but all the butter and cream and more butter doesn’t fit with a weight loss regimen.
That explains the Sunday Gravy moniker. Just once a week. Stay lean and focused the rest of the week and you’re allowed a day of indulgence.