The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. Fantasy football questions still welcome but by no means required. If you have questions and/or need advice, email firstname.lastname@example.org. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.
Hey, so how about that Pro Bowl? What a display of competence and competition! What’s that you say? The Pro Bowl was and always is complete garbage? Fine, you caught me. I had about as much interest in watching the Pro Bowl as OJ had in catching the real killers or Roger Goodell has in integrity. Somehow I’ve been able to shield myself from most of the Shield’s media week bullshit this week. I think that was almost worth the trade-off of a bye week. Definitely not worth the trade-off of another likely Patriots Superb Owl victory. As you all know, I’m a Bears fan. But I’m not going to root for the Rams because they’re the NFC team. Nor because they’re the team from the town I just moved to. In fact, I’m not rooting for them at all. I’m just rooting against the Patriots because that’s the real American thing to do. Rooting for the Patriots is like being a billionaire and deciding your best help to this country is to run for President as an Independent during the most ridiculous political time in our country’s history. You can delude yourself all you want, but the rest of us know you’re just an asshole.
Also, I don’t know how this ended up on Whisper, but not wrong:
Now let’s get a waft of the smell of fresh emails in the morning–
Dear mailbag, I realized just how much troulbe [sic] this country is in when I went to Disneyland. Being surrounded by land whales who are so motherfucking FAT they need to ride in Rascals, is appalling. Yeah, we have a MAJOR problem in this piece. Also, people who walk while looking at hteir [sic] cell phones in a crowded place should be smacked in the knees and elbows with a titanium fishbat until they vomit. Also, there are peole [sic] in America who don’t own mirrors, or how ot use them, because some of hte [sic] outfits worn in public would make Calvin Klein puke. Finally, I realize that customs and social mores are different in Eurpoe [sic], but those cocksucking fucks have no idea about personal space. They run right into you, which can be fun because you can stop dead in your tracks and apply a solid body check. Finally: TOWER OF TERROR ROCKS THE SHIT OUT EVERYTHING!
–Purple Camo Hulk
Was there a question in there? Kind of bounced from HATE HATE HATE for fellow Americans to HATE HATE HATE for European tourists. I recommend bourbon and an isolation booth. You know what else is really sound advice? DON’T GO TO DISNEYLAND.
Also, let’s pivot and talk about how fucking hard it is to lose weight. I finally joined a gym for the first time in over a decade, and the good news is that so far it’s not just a fat tax like my last gym membership. The bad news is that a) I don’t know where people get the energy to wake up at 5 am to work out, go to the office to put in a ten hour shift, live like a human, and get enough sleep to rinse and repeat. As a result, I’ve used the gym pretty fucking regularly and am feeling decent about it (and better physically over all) but don’t think I’ve lost more than a pound. Now, I need to take part of that Bal’more warning up there and remember to eat better, but damn it is going to be a long road of stationary bikes and free weights before I feel even close to in shape. Being a better person is really fucking hard, and I’m only trying a little bit.
Alright, let’s see what came into Carolyn Hax from the Washington Post this week—
Dear Carolyn: My wife and I argue about my son, 42, unmarried. He lives up North but visits for a week each winter to get away from the cold. He likes to socialize with old friends while he’s here. He will usually get in after we’ve gone to bed, which entails resetting the alarm, which wakes up my wife. She then has a hard time falling back to sleep.
She tells me I should tell him to come home before we go to bed. I say he’s grown so I shouldn’t tell him what to do, and he’s on vacation. She says it should be a matter of courtesy and respect for him to abide by the rules we set up.
I’m having a hard time with this concept and haven’t done it. I tell her it’s only two nights out of the whole year and maybe she can put up with this inconvenience.
There are other issues we deal with when it comes to my son, which I feel make this bigger than just this one issue. It is causing stress in our marriage. Anything you can add?
— From the South
Wat. How is there even an issue? Either wait to set the alarm til he gets back, put in some earplugs, or deal with it for two nights a year. A 42 year old man does not need a curfew.
/DOOR FLIES OPEN
Look, I played in Atlanta, so I understand the South. You gotta show respect down to your parents down there. And let me tell you, sometimes a curfew is a good idea. If there are any obligations in the morning–church, breakfast with cousins, the most important part of your work year hands down when everyone you know is counting on you–then your son needs to just listen and go to bed before you do. Now if you’ll excuse me, I want to say hey to that woman over there, she looks awfully friendly.
/DOOR FLIES SHUT
As usual, Eugene Robinson is not right. The other Eugene Robinson is right, but that’s beside the point. Your son needs to get laid, and two nights a year where you have to hear some beeping around midnight is nothing if you want him to pay for assisted living in a few years.
Next we have a question that hits a little too close to home—
Why do people spend thousands of dollars on what is really just a party instead of saving the money towards their future home/ retirement/etc.?
All of my recently married friends had the same message for me: they loved the wedding and absolutely hated wedding planning. For some of them, the event itself was deeply meaningful and they can’t imagine not bringing all of the people they love together in one place for that (hopefully) once in a lifetime moment. For others, they couldn’t imagine “disappointing” their parents. I put that in quotes in part because my dad offered each of my sisters five figures in cash to elope. There is something deeply meaningful about having a whole (admittedly overly indulgent) day entirely about you and your partner and your love for one another. It is also deeply meaningful not to go into debt for it if you can avoid it, and accordingly, there’s nothing wrong with saying no to the wedding industrial complex and having something much closer to free. In my limited experience, wedding planning is immensely stressful, and much more for whichever half of the betrothed invariably takes on the disproportionate amount of the work. But I think whether you save the money for something practical, like a down payment on a house or a villa in Vegas or you choose to go forward with a wedding big or small, the key is to remember why you’re getting married in the first place. Finding someone you want to spend your whole life with in this crazy world is rare, and being grateful for their presence and love shouldn’t need reminding, but we all suck, so sometimes we need the kick in the pants.
Speaking of weddings, let’s close out with this gem from Dear Prudence—
Millionaires give $30 as wedding gifts: My husband’s brother brought his five adult children to our daughter’s wedding. Although we are regular working people, he has a net worth of well over $50 million, and his adult kids each have $2 million. The wedding was an evening event with a sit-down meal and dancing. The next day, when my daughter and her husband opened their gifts, most of the cards they received contained a check or new bills from the bank. They were touched by some of the amounts they received, even from relatives who are not well-off. They considered trying to return the money in some cases, but that seems rude.
Then came the card from the five millionaire adult kids and their dates and spouses (10 people in total). It was a single card among all of them. It was stuffed with used bills—10s and 20s totaling a completely random amount ($290). It looked like they passed the hat and gave the money from their pockets.
We were taken aback by the lack of care and the amount, which barely covered two plates. It was by far the smallest gift per person. Obviously, the bride and groom can be nothing but grateful, but the gift felt like a slap in the face. My daughter is wondering if she did something wrong, or if they were expecting hot dogs and soft drinks (at a country club!). Is it possible that a bunch of rich 25- to 40-year-olds have no idea how much a wedding costs? My son wants to message one of the cousins and tell them they were out of line and that they should have at least tried to cover the cost of having them attend the wedding. It was a lovely event and they seemed to be very happy for the couple, but I think their gift was so stingy it was rude, especially from people who will never have to worry about money. What would you say to them?
Thank you and move the fuck on. No one really owes you anything, and I hope they were planning on sending you a much nicer gift within the socially allotted window post-wedding, and you kvetched about them and blew it. Is it cheap and kind of bullshit that they chipped in very little, especially in relative terms? Yes. Does it give you the moral high ground? Maybe but only if you’re not a self-righteous twunt about it.
Ok, can’t end on that, so let’s dial up a recent winner from Dear Abby—
DEAR ABBY: We need some advice. Recently we hosted our annual holiday party and invited all of our neighbors and friends. Our invitation stated that the party would run between 5 and 11:30 so our guests could also attend other parties that might be going on at the same time.
As our party was winding down, it was noticed that one of our guests — who had been at a previous party — had wet themselves on our sofa and covered the spot up with throw pillows. We served wine, punch, etc. at our party, but this couple arrived pretty tipsy already. In the future, should we just not invite these neighbors? We are very distressed about this. What do you suggest? — OOPS! IN THE MIDWEST
Yes. You are free to no longer invite your friends who pissed on your couch. In the interest of being charitable, I kind of hope this is an older crowd. There’s also no way that your friends aren’t more embarrassed/mortified than you are. While they absolutely should have discreetly let you know and apologized, they didn’t, so it’s up to you to decide if you want to forgive and forget, just forget without forgiving, or not forget and keep your distance until and unless they come clean (hey-o!) and fess up with an apology and a half-hearted offer to pay to have the cushions cleaned. Keep in mind, it could have been much worse.
That’s it for this edition of Mouth Flies Open, the DFO advice column. Remember, fuck the Patriots and if someone tells you they never watch football but are excited for the Super Bowl, you are within your legal rights to end your friendship with that person and treat them like the social outcast they deserve to be. Thanks for reading, ‘riting, and recognizin’. See you around the DFO clubhouse! And this week only, don’t forget to RAAAAAAAAAMMIT!
Have questions? Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email email@example.com with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!