All good football blogs need a mock draft, and the really good ones need several.  But this is DFO, and we’re as much about the dick jokes, mildly suggestive photos, and beer as we are about football, so you’ll get two mock draft, (neither of which will be remotely accurate), and you will like it.

Without further ado, TO THE DRAFT!

(please note that the top needs were taken from this poor bastard, who is now forever associated with this travesty, but who should in no way be held responsible when I go 2-32)

1. Arizona Cardinals 
Record: 3-13 (.188)

Top Needs:  OL, WR, DL

The pick: They’re gonna take Kyler Murray QB Oklahoma.  You’ll note that this doesn’t address any of their needs, that they traded up to pick Josh Rosen 10th, that they don’t have any sort of NFL-ready offensive line, and that Murray is on the small side for an NFL QB.  So, yeah, he’s gonna die and the Cardinals are gonna have another high pick next year.

Peter King pick:  Murray

2. San Francisco 49ers

Top Needs:  QB, OL, DL

Record: 4-12 (.250)
The pick: Ohio State DE Nick Bosa.  In Version 1.0 I had the 49ers trading this pick to the Giants and the Giants using it to take Haskins, but I haven’t seen anyone that thinks that’s actually going to happen, (so it probably will and I’ll sitting here with my thumbs in my ass.  Again), and more importantly I haven’t seen any mocks that have anyone taking a QB before the Giants get their turn, so there’s no reason for them to pull a Bears and give away the farm to move up four spots and draft a mediocre QB.  They can sit and wait and then draft a mediocre QB in the spot that God and Herr Goodell intended!

But I digress.  People who know things, (I watched some ESPN this week), say that the 49ers aren’t happy with their defensive line production and that Bosa is either the best or 2nd best prospect in the draft, so he seems like a good fit.  At least until the 49ers try to sign him and that old Bosa magic kicks in and he sits out until 2024.

Peter King pick:  Nick Bosa

3. New York Jets  
Record: 4-12 (.250)

Top Needs:  DE, OL, RB
The pick: I’m not hanging this pick, even though the ESPN guys seemed to focus on Williams.  It’s going to he Williams or Josh Allen DE, Kentucky, and I don’t want to look like I just copied everything from them.  Although it would save a shitload of time.  Maybe next year.

Either way, the Jets are in maybe the best position of the draft and even they can’t fuck this one up.  Unless they trade down.  So you know whats going to happen.

I listened to WFAN today while driving between depositions and I want this pick to be very, very wrong, because if the Jets take Ed Oliver, as is apparently being rumored, Joe Benigno is going to go on a rampage.

Peter King pick:  Ed Oliver.

4. Oakland Raiders (this is the pick they earned all by themselves)
Record: 4-12 (.250)

Top Needs:  DE, CB, WR
The pick: Version 1.0 had Bosa falling to Oakland, and even if that Giants-49ers trade does happen, (or Giants-Jets, or anyone-Jets), Bosa probably isn’t falling this far.  The Raiders will take whichever of the Allen-Williams duo that the Jets don’t, and since I sent Allen to New York, Alabama DT Quinnen Williams gets to go to Oakland.  Like the Jets, the Raiders are in good shape here, very well-positioned to get an outstanding (someone on ESPN says that Williams is the best prospect in the draft), player at a position of need.  They can’t fuck this up, unless they do something stupid like send their entire scouting department home and leave Gruden and Mayock in charge of the whole thi…Oh.  Oh dear.

As for that bit in the linked article about the Raiders planning to use the 4th pick on a “big surprise”, keep in mind that it come from Ian Rapoport, and Ian Rapoport is an ass.

/Raiders draft Johnny Manziel

PK:  Williams

Record: 5-11 (.313)
The pick:  I was never particularly confident in Version 1.0’s pick of Juwaan Taylor hear, so I was more than ready to change it.  Couple that Ed Oliver and Devin White shooting up draft boards, and the Bucs having lost LB Kwon Alexander, (no idea, but the people who know things seem to think that’s bad), and Gerald McCoy being old and expensive, it seems likely that the Bucs will choose between Ed Oliver and LSU LB Devin White.  I’ll say White goes here because the Bucs took Vita Vea last year, so they have a young DL already and seem to need a LB more.  Also Hippo said that White was really, really good, and he pays way more attention to this crap then I do.

PK: White.  Aw shit, I’m going 2-30 again.

6. New York Giants
Record: 5-11 (.313)

Top Needs:  DL, WR, S
The pick:  Version 1.0 had the Giants leaping over tables to take Dwayne Haskins as Eli’s eventual replacement.  As the draft draws ever nearer, however, there are virtually no mock drafts that have that happening at 6, let alone the Giants moving up.  Perhaps that’s a smoke screen.  Perhaps people are realizing that drafting a guy with one year of starting experience under Urban Meyer is a guy that you should perhaps calm the fuck down about drafting.  Either way, it seems very unlikely that Haskins is getting drafted at 6.  The Giants are instead looking to bolster the defensive line.  Most mock drafts seem to have Quinnen Williams falling to 6, but I just don’t think that’s likely.  My best guess, and it is very much a guess, is that the Giants take Houston DT Ed Oliver.  Unless the rumors are true and that the Jets have fallen in love with Oliver, in which case the Giants obviously won’t.  You like that kind of analysis?  Oh, there’s more coming!

PK:  Josh Allen

7.  Jacksonville Jaguars 
Record:5-11 (.313)

Top Needs:  DL, OL, WR
The pick: The Jags signed Nick Foles, and you don’t sign Nick Foles and not look to beef up your offensive line.  The Big Lead suggested that Coughlin would take Dwayne Haskins here, but I can’t see breaking the bank to sign Foles and using your first pick on Foles’s replacement.  The top defensive line prospects are likely to all be gone by #7, but Florida OT Jawaan Taylor is right there and he’s the top offensive line prospect.  He goes to Jacksonville.

PK:  T.J. Hockenson

8. Detroit Lions 

Record: 6-10 (.375)

Top Needs:  DE, TE, WR
The pick: The Lions signed Trey Flowers as a free agent and presumably don’t need another edge rusher.  But needing something and really, really wanting something are too different things.  I had Mississippi State, (just spelled “Mississippi” correctly with no hesitation and followed that with “Steat”), DE Monetz Sweat going to Carolina at 16 and admitted that that was only because I’d forgotten about him and that he probably wouldn’t be around at 16.  Well, this time I didn’t forget.  The mocks seem to think that the Lions could go TE, but Matt Patricia is a Belichek guy and Belichek guys love defense and your mom, and since your mom long ago used up her eligibility that leaves us with defense.  And if you were a defensive genius how stoked would you be to line up Sweat with Flowers and unleash hell?  You’d be really stoked, that’s how stoked, and you’d fucking well take Sweat right here.

This site says that Sweat might fall because of a perceived heart condition, which would indeed be cause for concern, but that site also said that the Titans should find a way to draft Quinnen Williams without giving up a future 1st or 2nd-rounder, so they’re clearly high as fuck.

PK:  Jawaan Taylor.  Also thinks the Lions are likely to trade the pick. I’d criticize him but I’m doing the same thing.

9. Buffalo Bills 

Top Needs:  OL, WR, TE
Record: 6-10 (.375)
The pick: My Version 1.0 pick, D.K. Metcalf, seems to have slipped a bit, and Iowa TE T.J. Hockenson has continued to climb, to the point that a lot of people had Hockenson going to Detroit or Jacksonville.  But I didn’t, and since the Bills addressed, or tried to address, the OL and WR needs through free agency, and since they still have a young and somewhat problematic QB they need to help, TE makes a lot of sense.

There are many mentions that the Bills will look to trade this pick, get some additional picks and grab Metcalf in the mid-teens.  If they can do that, more power to them, but I’m not doing trades this year because a) I don’t have the sources to do that with any kind of credibility, b) I really need an excuse when I go 2-32 this year, and 3) I’m really lazy.

PK:  Jonah Williams.

10. Denver Broncos 
Record: 6-10 (.375)

Top Needs:  OL, CB, WR
The pick: Version 1.0 had the Broncos taking the Missouri QB here and Hippo threatening suicide, (well, more so than usual), if they did.  Since then the QB hype train seems to have settled down for this draft, (so of course all 4 will have been taken by this point in the 1st round), and now folks are saying that the Broncos are likely to go defense here and then try to trade back into the later part of the first round and get a QB then.  Makes much more sense to me, a guy that barely pays attention to football, so surely that’s what will happen.  If the Broncos are going defense here they’re probably looking at the kids from Clemson of Michigan LB Devin Bush.  I’ll say that the Broncos take Bush, because it seems a tad early for the Clemson guys and because saying “Bush” makes me giggle.

I have the emotional maturity of a 12-year old.

PK:  Bush /giggles

11. Cincinnati Bengals
Record: 6-10 (.375)

Top Needs:  OL, LB, DT
The pick:  They’re gonna take Ohio State QB Dwayne Haskins if he drops this far, and in my rather far-fetched universe he did.  Does he address a need?  Not really.  Will he play immediately?  Probably not.  Will he allow Mike Brown to replace a high-priced QB, (who to be fair seems to have a definite ceiling called “the play-offs”), with a much cheaper option?  Oh my yes.

PK:  Brian Burns

12. Green Bay Packers
Record: 6-9-1 (.400)

Top Needs:  DE, OL, TE
The pick: Originally I thought that the Packers would go defense here, but then that article came out that implied that Aaron Rodgers is a psychopathic monster who will lay waste to the entire state of Wisconsin his dark, dark needs are not satisfied.  With that information digested I’m going to say that the Packers go offense with their first pick and take either a WR or other Iowa TE Noah Fant here.  Since that same article indicated that Rodgers and rookie WRs go together as well as peanut butter and cyanide, Fant seems to be the safer option.

PK:  Fant

13. Miami Dolphins 
Record: 7-9 (.438)

Top Needs: QB, DE, OL

The pick: I’m not doing trades, but if I were the Dolphins would be a prime candidate to make a move for Josh Rosen, whose people are known to have an affinity for Miami.  So when that happens remember that I called it, but also know that I was too much of a coward to make it official.  I have no idea who this guy is, but Florida State DE Brian Bush seems to be coming on strong as we get closer to the actual draft.  The Dolphins have a need at DE, (let’s face it, they have a need pretty much everywhere), and Bush is a hometown, (sort of), guy, and I get to say “Bush” again and giggle like a 6th grader.

PK:  Christian Wilkins

14. Atlanta Falcons 
Record: 7-9 (.438)
Top needs: OL, DL, CB
The pick: Michigan DE Rashan Gary.  The Falcoholic, (love that name), has the Falcons shipping three picks to the Lions to move up to 8 and take Ed Oliver.  If they can do that, good for them.  But we’re not doing trades here.  Gary’s a good fallback option.  The Falcons could do a lot worse, and let’s face it, they probably will.

PK:  Dexter Lawrence (if I’m being honest I like this pick better than mine)

15. Washington PotatoSkins

Record: 7-9 (.438)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR
The pick: This is a really interesting pick.  Washington would have shots at two top QB prospects, Drew Lock and Daniel Jones, and they really need a QB.  According to “Riggo’s Rag“, (shudders for four days thinking about what that could be), the Jets and Redacteds are in talks about the #3 pick.  If that happens the Slurs would almost certainly take Haskins and Jets fans would burn down most of Nashville.  If it doesn’t, (and I don’t see the upside in the Jets giving up on an Allen or a Williams for a 15 and a 2nd round pick), and if Washington doesn’t trade this pick to the Cardinals for Rosen, then Missouri QB Drew Lock is likely to go to Washington and get a crash course in Native American rights.

Since writing this I have read that Dan Snyder has “taken over” the 1st round of the draft, which means that he’s going to trade this pick and next years 1st and 3rd for Josh Rosen.  Book it.  I’m still not doing trades, but if Rosen goes to the Potato Skins then the Cardinals will take someone not named Drew Lock here and it will totally fuck up my draft.

PK:  Haskins

16. Carolina Panthers
Record: 7-9 (.438)
Top needs: DL, OL, LB
The pick: With Sweat moving way up past Carolina’s position at #16 they still need a DE.  Clemson DE Clelin Ferrell is right there to fill the hole in their hearts.

PK:  Sweat.  Also notes a lot of concern about Sweat’s heart issues.

17. New York Giants (From Cleveland) 
Record: 5-11 (.313)
Top needs: OL, DL
The pick: The Giants will be sorely tempted to take Daniel Jones here and start the project of replacing Eli Manning that they should have started two years ago.  But they won’t.  They’ll come to their senses and realize that just as one simply does not walk into Mordor and expect to live, one does not draft a Duke QB in the first round and expect to thrive in the NFL.  And one especially does not do that when one’s offensive line looks like a block of Swiss cheese and Alabama OL Jonah Williams, the 2nd-rated OL prospect in the draft, is sitting right there.  In a blow for common sense the Giants take another building block for their lines and desperately hope one of the lower-tier QB prospects might pan out.

PK:  Giants trade the pick to Houston for the 23rd and 55th picks, Houston takes Andre Dillard.  Sure, what the hell.

18. Minnesota Vikings 
Record: 8-7-1 (..533)
Top needs: OL, DL, LB
The pick: Version 1.0 had Washington State OT Andre Dillard going here and I don’t see any reason to change that.  Oklahoma G Cody Ford is getting some love here as well.

PK:  NC State C Garrett Bradbury.

19. Tennessee Titans 
Record: 9-7 (.563)
Top needs: DL, LB, OL
The pick: Jachai Polite was the pick in Version 1.0, but he seems to have shot himself right out of the first round.  CBS does have him going to Tennessee, but in the third round.  That leaves Tennessee still needing defensive line help.  Seems like a good time for Clemson DL Christian Wilkins to come out of the green room.  Clemson NT Dexter Lawrence is another good bet.  I flipped a coin and Wilkins won.

PK:  Rashan Gary

20. Pittsburgh Steelers 
Record: 9-6-1 (.600)
Top needs: WR, CB, intensive group therapy, LB
The pick: I had the Steelers talking LSU CB Greedy Williams slipping to Pittsburgh in version 1.0, but that was because I forgot about him and I thought he’d probably be gone by then.  According the yapping heads at ESPN, however, Greedy really has slipped since then, mostly because he’s not interested in tackling.  That does seem like an important part of, you know, playing defense, but if it never bothered Deion Sanders I don’t see why it should bother Greedy.

PK:  Rock Ya-Sin, CB Temple.  King’s far from alone on this one.

Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: S, DE, OL
The pick:  The Seahawks made more noise than an actual seahawk, (which isn’t hard, as there’s no such thing as a seahawk), by trading disgruntled DE Frank Clark to the Chiefs for several picks, including the 29th pick in the first round.  That gives them, (counts out loud on fingers), TWO picks in the first round.  It would not surprise me, or others, if they tried to package those to move up, but again, I’m not doing trades, just passively-aggressively trying to claim credit when they happen.  The Seahawks just spent a ton of money re-upping noted non-fornicator Russell Westbro…what?  Oh, sorry, Russell Wilson, so why not get him a WR not quite as old as Doug Baldwin?  Mississippi WR DK Metcalf has gotten buried under a blizzard of DEs and TEs, (kinda like your mom!  Hey-O!), and if he falls this far I think Seattle has to look to pick up some relatively cheap help for Russ.

Side-note:  If Montez Sweat’s heart issue really does scare off higher drafting teams every Seahawks-oriented blog is apparently ready to sacrifice a blood relative to get him here.

PK:  Seattle trades the pick, (probable), to Oakland for the 24th and 106th picks, Oakland takes Josh Jacobs.

22. Baltimore Ravens
Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: OL, WR, DL
The pick: I’m torn between the Ravens taking a WR or a RB to take some of the pressure, and beating, away from newly anointed QB Lamar Jackson.  Jackson doesn’t strike me as much of a thrower, so I’ll stick a good RB prospect in the backfield with him in Alabama RB Josh Jacobs.  As is pointed out here, the Ravens haven’t taken a RB this high since drafting Ray Rice in the 2nd round in 2008.  Janay Rice would like to apologize for her role in that, and is grateful that the streak ends here.

You’ll note this is unchanged from Version 1.0.  I found this tonight, which validates my March prediction that the Ravens would likely go WR or RB and that RB made more sense and I was like “fuck it, less typing for me!”  Yeah, that’s what you get at $12 a share people.

PK:  Clelin Ferrell

23. Houston Texans 
Record: 11-5 (.688)
Top needs: OL, CB, RB
The pick:  Georgia CB DeAndre Baker. I had another CB going to Houston in Version 1.0, but Baker seems to be getting more love at this spot lately.

PK traded this pick to the Giants, who take Duke QB Daniel Jones

24. Oakland Raiders (from Chicago for Khalil Mack) 
Record: Still 4-12 (.250)
Top needs: DE, CB, WR
The pick: If the Texans take Baker then the Raiders will take Washington CB Byron Murphy here.  If they don’t it’s probably because they flipped them.

PK traded this pick to Seattle, who take Mississippi State S Johnathan Abram

Record: 9-7 (.563)
Top needs: DE, CB, RB
The pick:  The general consensus among Eagles fan sites seems to be that a) D cell batteries makes the best projectiles, b) Mark Wahlberg is too Boston to really have captured the nuances of Vince Papale, c) Rocky totally woulda kicked Ali’s ass, d)  Bill Burr was right about them, and e) Delaware S Nassir Adderly would be an ideal addition to Jim Schwartz’s defense.

PK:  Oklahoma WR Marquise Brown

26. Indianapolis Colts
Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: DL, WR, CB
The pick: The last of three, Clemson DT Dexter Lawrence, goes to the Colts.  I don’t have a joke here.  It’s a good pick and I’ve been drinking.

PK:  Greedy Williams

27. Oakland Raiders (from Dallas for Amari Cooper) 
Record: It ain’t gonna change no matter how many picks they have.  4-12 (.250)
Top needs: DE, CB, WR
The pick: They addressed DE and CB with their first two picks, so with their third pick let’s go against everything we’ve learned about the Raiders and assume that they do the smart thing and look for a WR to address their third need.  The only one off the board so far is Metcalf, so you have to figure that there’s depth left there.  Of course it would be easier to figure that if you didn’t send your scouting department home last week, but what the hell, right?  The nerds over at Walter Football rank Ohio State WR Parris Campbell as the #2  WR.  Campbell also put up a 4.31 time in the 40, and you know Mark Davis is genetically inclined to jump all over that.

Naturally Gruden will take some LB no one’s ever heard of here.

PK:  DeAndre Baker.

28. Whale’s Vagina Chargers 
Record: 12-4 (.750)
Top needs: LB, DT, OT
The pick: There’s a lot of talk about the Chargers taking someone like Notre Dame’s Jerry Tillery or Temple’s Rock Ya-Sin, (and they might take Ya-Sin, because he’s not only a good CB prospect, but who’s not buying a jersey with “Ya-Sin” on the back?), but having watched the Patriots storm the Chargers pocket like sperm attacking a womb, I go offensive line here and give Rivers some protection, because the good Lord knows he’ll never use it himself.  Oklahoma OT Cody Ford is the best of the remaining O-lineman, so he;s the pick here.  If Ford went to Minnesota Dillard would make sense here as well.

Like I have any idea what I’m talking about.

PK:  Ford.  Wait, really?

Record: 10-6 (.625)
Top needs: S, DE, OL
The pick: I had NC State C Garrett Bradbury going to the Chiefs here, but then they traded this pick to the Seatruthers for Frank Clark.  But the ‘Hawks need offensive line help as well, they took a safety already, the D-line prospects are finally depleted, and it’s late and I’m tired and, all together now, less typing for me!

PK:  Byron Murphy.

30. Green Bay Packers (from New Orleans)
Record: 6-9-1 (.400)
Top needs: DE, OL, TE
The pick: If the Packers could get Kansas OL Dalton Risner here they’d be as happy as Aaron Rodgers at a family reunion, so long as it wasn’t his family.

PK:  Metcalf.  If he’s here?  Absolutely.

31. Los Angeles Rams 
Record: 13-3 (.813)
Top needs: LB, S, DT
The pick: I still think that the Rams are likely to move this pick to get additional picks further down, but am changing the pick to Mississippi OT Greg Little, for no reason other than I saw his name come up and can’t seem to find the ‘Bama RB I had in here anywhere in the 1st round these days.

/Rams take the Alabama RB

PK:  Has Denver trading up, (giving the 41st pick and a 2020 second-rounder), and taking Drew Lock.

Record: 11-5 (.688)
Top needs: WR, DT, TE
The pick:  The QB from Duke would just be too perfect here, but Gronk retired and Tom Brady didn’t, so TE seems like more likely.  Belichek and Nick Saban have a connection, because Satan likes to keep track of his minions, so Alabama TE Irv Smith is my pick.  Mel Kiper and Todd McShay agree with me, for whatever that’s worth.

PK:  Jeffrey Simmons, DT, Mississippi State