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Got a few more kids who dropped out on me on my high school team’s roster. Stuff’s getting real tough looking ahead for next season. Schedule came out this week, and the first game up is against all the farm kids. Giants, every one of ’em. Gotta figure out how to bulk up the 20 kids I have left to take ’em on. And failing that… maybe bribe the drug tester? Get the little guys all hopped up and let ’em loose at their opponents ankles. If you think it’s immoral… well, that’s your problem for spending too much time thinking, and not enough time doing! Just taking a page outta the central Asian history books. Sometimes headlong crazy charges end up working super well! It’s all we’ve got left in the playbook, really. QB still can’t throw a fucking pass, after all.
INCENDIARY CAMELS
Purpose built: To capture the city of Delhi
Years used: 1398
What is it? In the late 14th century, nomadic Turco-Mongols, led by the great general Timur, also commonly known as Tamerlane, sought to reclaim the glory that was Genghis Khan’s Mongol empire from 150 years previous. As the armies swept all across central Asia, they fought dozens of battles, conquered cities left and right, and claimed thousands of square miles of land as they expanded their new empire. Under Timur, the Timurid Empire stretched all the way from eastern Anatolia, all the way to the Indian Ocean and as far north as modern-day Uzbekistan.
Standing in the Timurid armies’ way were not only large infantry, cavalry and archer divisions, but also 100 war elephants, armed with metal plating and, according to some accounts, swords attached to their tusks (other accounts also say poison tips). Many of Timur’s men, notable the Tatars from the lands west of the Caspian sea, were very unaccustomed to elephants, and thus were very afraid of the mean-looking animals. In response to this, Timur instructed his armies to dig trenches and wait. Next, he took hundreds of camels, loaded them up with as much wood and straw as they could possibly carry, and then set them on fire. Yup. As the camels were poked with spears, they charged at the Sultan’s war elephants, hoping to neutralize the giant beasts quickly and efficiently.
So there ya have it. Without much else for me to do this summer, gotta get to work on beating the drug testing. Failing that, I’m sure a branding iron, applied gently before each half, will have the same results otherwise. Wish me luck as I bide my time, waiting to return to the NFL once more!
Information for this article taken from here, here, and here. Banner image by The Maestro.
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Thanks to everyone who’s enjoyed this series over the last few months – it has been a real treat for me to get to tag along with Coach Mornhinweg as we explore the nuances of fullback draws, oversized egos, and ridiculous weapon design principles. The [DFO] CFL Beat returns next week in this same timeslot – I look forward to once again bringing you news about the best football that Canada has to offer, and also the Montreal Alouettes. – The Maestro
I LOVED this series! Thanks for doing it!
A wacky weapon that worked? Now THAT’s a finale. Dynamite work, Maestro.
Superb series sir. I look forward to CFL beat. It is the only place I get my CFL news,
I tried a Flaming Camel with an ex-girlfriend once but we couldn’t figure out where to put the toaster.
Possibly NSFW
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Flaming%20Camel
Amazing.
Well that is what I learned today I guess.
This was a completely fantastic and fascinating series Maestro. Well done.
Haven’t seen a Camel vanish this fast since Jay Cutler’s audition to play the Big Bad Wolf.
This series was by far my favorite part of the week.
THIS
“I don’t want any part of this thing.”
I’m going to miss this, I think it was the best iteration yet.
Also, exploding camels is also a euphemism for unwanted pregnancy in Alabama.
One or 2 hump camels? I’z needs to knows