Bend Over for Banks? NEVAH

Once upon a time, until 10:00 DFO / Central time today, I was a homeowner. My Ex and I had moved out to separate places by the start of the 2018 NFL season. POINT IS: the home’s  mortgage was KILLIN’ me. Christ what a scam. It’s the Herbalife of finance.

My Ex, who acted as realtor, found buyers and their mortgage lender called me. The buyers’ lender asked my Ex and I to put up, from the sale price,  “up to” $4k in closing fees.

Wait, lemme get comfortable.

[crosses leg, huge testicles get in the way, uncrosses leg]

Let’s do this transaction! “Up to $4k in closing fees” means: for the sale, Ex and I put a discount, for closing fees, that caps at $4k. If the final numbers for closing fees are less than $4k, Ex and I get the difference. I put it in writing, in that same plain language, and we all signed.

A month passed, which meant another mortgage payment for my home accumulated because it was yet to be sold. I took note of it, and only add that Discover card stopped spamming me. Then the buyers’ lender sent the closing numbers. My Ex and I were expected to put up closing fees AND $4k.

I explained to the lender that the agreement was UP TO $4k FOR closing fees, not to gouge both things from Ex and I. It got testy, but we reached a compromise.

Three days ago we went to the lender’s to close. I asked for the numbers: Ex and I were expected to put up $4k AND closing fees—like the compromise never happened! The lender’s officials came into the conference room with the buyers, my Ex and I. We had a talk.

[lights cigarette]

I may have used the word “crooks” and the officials said there was no need to be angry. “It’s not anger, it’s indignation”, said my Ex. (She’s great, obviously.) The officials then insulted our intelligence. Ex and I stuck to our guns, and it became a waiting game.

About an hour later, a VP from the lender entered the conference room with the buyers and us. He said those were the numbers to close. I told him about the contract we signed, and the VP said that the contract was “subject to interpretation” and “unclear”.

Having drafted that contract, a heat from the base of my neck rose quickly and settled on both of my ears—I mean, right now while typing this. When the VP said it, I got up and peed on the conference table. One of those things is metaphorical.

Well guess what. Those were not the final closing numbers. The lender made some shufflin’ and we closed today, three days later. Ex and I received a $3.7k swing in our favor. Better yet, my Ex and I enjoyed a tender moment, together, sticking it to capitalist pigs.

TAKEAWAYS

-You gotta be ready to walk away, not just give the appearance.

-Leverage is different from eagerness to execute a deal. 

–Question Don T’s writing. I dare ya.

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