A Saturday Evening, Canadian Houliday Weekend Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

It’s the annual Victoria Day weekend up here in the Great White North,

almost all of which has finally thawed out from what seemed to be an average winter that hung around a bit longer than expected.

Also expected – most of my fellow Canadians are on the road to somewhere today.

Me? Well, WineWife is away on a work trip, so my options for fun are both boundless & restricted. If I have too much fun, there’s hell to pay upon her return. Not enough fun makes the freedom seem like a wasted effort. The trick, as always, is to supplement the fun with pictures of her dogs having fun before, after or with. It shows “responsibility”, an essential trait that needs to be nourished in a 50 year-old man.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • no game scheduled. God bless the Bruins for sweeping.
  • NBA:
    • Warriors at Trail Blazers – 9:00PM | ESPN / Sportsnet
  • MLB:
    • Royals at Angels – 10:00PM | FS1
  • Horses:
    • The Preakness – 5:00PM | NBC
  • NCAA:
    • College Baseball:
      • TCU at Texas Tech – 7:30PM | ESPNU
  • Fists:
    • Showtime Championship Boxing:
      • Wilder-Breazeale (heavyweights) – 9:00PM | Showtime / TSN2
    • UFC Fight Night: Dos Anjos vs. Lee
      • Prelims – 6:00PM | TSN5 / ESPN+
      • Mains card – 8:00PM | TSN5 / ESPN+
  • Fútbol:
    • Liga MX: Tigres UANL vs. Monterrey – 7:30PM | UNI
    • MLS: Sporting KC vs. Whitecaps FC – 8:30PM | TSN
  • Australian Rules Football:
    • Richmond vs. Hawthorn – 1:00AM | TSN2

Other TV:

  • Saturday Night Live: Paul Rudd / DJ Khaled – 11:30PM | NBC / Global
    • Season finale, so expect plenty of surprise guest appearances.

A solid lineup on the teevee. Enjoy yourselves – responsibly, my Canadian brethren!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighBrettFavresColonoscopyBrick MeathookUnsurprisedSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pre-game for GWS-Carlton, “one of the [GWS] board members smacked the players for their effort last week, so expect a response.”

Um, ok, is that response some players punching a board member in the dick?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jesus, Richmond is playing scared. Not unlike the time I dated a woman who was marriage crazy in our early 20s, I regret putting the tip in.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Spoiler

Did I reverse jinx Richmond?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Spoiler

I feel comfortable going to bed at the half. Holy fuck is Carlton terrible. And is GWS a lot better when they’re actually tackling.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I love that the robot guy on Doom Patrol is played by Brendan Frasier.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Just a reminder that April Bowlby is most famous for this:

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

If you had DJ Khaled and Pitbull on the same track, would there be any verse or chorus?
/The answer is, of course, the world implodes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. I kind of want to stay up for the GWS game but am also already drunk and tired.

yeah right

You are warmly welcomed.
Grab a pillow.
And a beer.

Don’t cost nothin.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Potential cost of my ability to wake up in the morning and go on a very long walk

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Stay up and tell us all about your ball waxing!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, I did more than the ball waxing, friend…

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Asshole bleaching?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No bleaching. But I did the balls, butt, back, shoulders treatment. She warned me not to kick her through the window when she was waxing my asshole.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You are soooo L.A. now. Give that man a vegan burger.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That guy was freaking hilarious on Mr. Sunshine (which was underrated and erroneously canceled)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, so I’m supposed to go pick her up, and then we go to a sports bar which is open until 3am.
But I can’t stop fucking yawning.

I am so fucking old.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Good luck sir!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

This is why blow was invented.

Senor Weaselo

“That’s why performing the Brahms Concerto was invented.” -Senor because he is a NERD.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Remember your “red flag rule” from yesterday.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hats off to Portland for their impressive feat of symmetry: 66 points in the first half, 33 points in the second!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

66 – 6 + 3×3 = GRONK

Senor Weaselo

Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

rockingdog
rockingdog

yoooooo
warriors up by 11

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

These next two or three minutes will be the effective end of the Trailblazers’ season.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

More like R.I.P. City imho.

rockingdog
rockingdog

late night funny:

*job interview*
Interviewer: Do you have a Twitter account?
Me: A what?
I: Twitter account.
M: Twipper?
I: …
M: Twiffer blablount?

Col. Duke LaCross

Wilder cooled him in about fifty five seconds.

yeah right

Showtime has lots of dead air to fill.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not to one-up TWBS but I have a sexy hotel receptionist story of my own. I was in Tehachapi doing some measurements for the California High Speed Rail. The receptionist was very flirty and made a point of letting me know where she planned to getting a drink later when her shift was over. Then I went up to my room and went to sleep because I’m married.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

So… how did those “measurements” turn out?

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

yeah right

Dude! I’ve slept in Tehachapi!
Former mrs. right had a brother there. Firefighter for Kern County and an unbelievably wonderful human being.

Guess I’m saying I had sex in Tehachapi.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

With her brother?

yeah right

No man. With her sister!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Yes but did you see the Tehachapi Railroad Loop?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is that when you sleep with your wife’s sister AND brother?

litre_cola

So very inebriated. My sleepibg spawn seems ro enjoy Robert Smith, perfect.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Cure is certainly known for singing a good lullaby.

litre_cola

They are playing a live stream of the Disintegration album from the Sydney Opera house. Balls and I may do a livedisintegration at 4 am.

rockingdog
rockingdog

Warriors up by 1!!!!
ummmm Drayond green got a tripple double….
what a 3rd quarter!!!

Col. Duke LaCross

Wilder’s entrance was… interesting.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was wrong. Asian girl is not relieving her overnight. She also gets off at 11pm.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hopefully, ttWBS gets off between midnight and 2am..

Horatio Cornblower
Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Keep tugging chap, it’ll happen!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Tonight’s nightcap:
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Or whatever retail is….

Horatio Cornblower

$11.99 a 4-pack.

Because I care enough to do the research.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m currently drinking this, and soon you will be too:

https://www.mybeercollectibles.com/listing/monkish-brewing-walkman-flavor-2-cans/658543

SonOfSpam

Trout just hit a 473-foot dong. It was his 250th. He’s 27.

Gonna see if it’s too late to adopt him brb.

SonOfSpam

According to Mark Gubicza (Angels’ color guy), that was Trout’s 69th 1st inning homer.

NICE.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Trout is both my husbands’s favorite player and his favorite flavor of Fancy Feast!” – Kristin Cavallari

Horatio Cornblower

He does have an advantage over other players in that he gets every October off.

SonOfSpam

Shut up even though you’re right asshole sorry

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

utttt ohhhhh Warriors down early….
wonder whats gonna happen….

ballsofsteelandfury

They’ll come back and win by 20, like always.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Every time the charges against your frat bro get dropped because the lawyer his parents hired got the evidence suppressed, a Corona gets its lime.

SonOfSpam

Thankfully, the TKE parents have deep pockets.

rockingdog
rockingdog

thats a good funny

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Can’t for until tWBS article “(Cock)Tail of the Week” (Sponsored by Natural Bohemian and Kikkoman Soy Sauce)

theeWeeBabySeamus

/attempts to shave balls really fast

OWWWWE GODDAMIT!!!!

SonOfSpam

Wax them, you animal. Plus you can use the aftermath as soup stock.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Positive isn’t just an attitude, it’s a test result too.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Easily one of my favorite roast sets:

SonOfSpam

Dave Attell is incredible. My wife hates him. “Seems like he smells bad.”

Horatio Cornblower

That’s very likely to be true, but he’s still consistently hilarious.

Senor Weaselo

You know the episode of Insomniac where he gets tossed around at a karate and jiujutsu dojo? I went there!
/I was a wee pup so not in that class

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh shit. The girl taking over for her overnight just showed up. Hot Asian chick. This could end up interesting if I can manage to not fuck it up.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

If you get crabs at least they’ll come in a tasty sauce

King Hippo

god DAMN, it’s always great when Buddy shows up

Col. Duke LaCross

HAH!

SonOfSpam

Just tremendous work there.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Whatever, I know yesterday was ass day but I’ve never been one for convention.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Eh, live version, and J-Lo is in the black turtleneck in the beginning.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oddly enough, the sandwich is made from Toucan eggs…..

Game Time Decision

Toucan Sam is a canibal? Who knew

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

goooo Dubs!!!
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theeWeeBabySeamus

So yeah, I kinda just picked up the girl working the front desk at my hotel. Dinner and a movie when she gets off at 11.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Also, it’s raining like a sumbitch..

Horatio Cornblower

So she’s a squirter too?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll let you know later. I hope.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

rockingdog
rockingdog

Nice!

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Atta boy!

Three way with WCS?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nah we had a nice time today. Really enjoyed meeting mrs Wcs also. But I have now moved further north.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am going to get ahead of things here and insist that you cut off all contact with her immediately.

SonOfSpam

You magnificent bastard.

Redshirt

BANNER THIS! Please?

Either that or shut down the site. I think Rikki’s won this thing.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hehehe…which one?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It can’t be both.

King Hippo

I mean, you could probably catch a film with a guy blowing a gorilla at 2am in Balmer…

King Hippo

(but that seems MOAR LIEK a 2nd or 3rd date)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Most people do have a ‘no gorilla until the third date’ rule, since Jane Goodall got killed.

King Hippo

I meen its just common cents

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; her getting off and going out with tWBS…….

But I see your point.

theeWeeBabySeamus

My hotel room has HBO and the places deliver. COME ON MAN!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I said HER getting off; no worries for you, man.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Lol

Redshirt

Meanwhile, if I get one more Restraining Order, I’ll get a free set of steak knifes.

yeah right

Michael Turner of the Nationals has played like 50 fucking games this season and has NO RBIs!
How is that even possible?

Redshirt

No baserunners on base ahead of him?

yeah right

Well he just struck out with runners on 2nd and 3rd so…

Senor Weaselo

With stats like that you’d think he plays for the Marlins!

yeah right

Got a little over eager in the kitchen today cooking meals for today, tomorrow and next fucking week!
All this after a 5.5 mile walk this morning. Fuck that. I’m done for the day.
Where’s my damn beer?

King Hippo

Horatio’s place

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Seriously. Stop by.

Redshirt

Jockey: “Don’t worry, boy. Just eliminate all distractions and focus on the race.”
Bodexpress: (nods understandingly)

https://www.cbssports.com/general/news/look-bodexpress-runs-entire-2019-preakness-stakes-without-a-jockey/

Senor Weaselo

All is not well in that jockey town.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Loved his victory lap.

yeah right

That was fantastic.

“I’m finally freeeeee!!!”

King Hippo

tonight is prom here, or in Mark Sanchez terms, set reminder to start putting money away for the abortion time

Redshirt

Hey! Only if it a needed abortion and not a wanted abortion!

(remembers Mark Sanchez as an NFL player)

Nevermind. This would be needed.

Senor Weaselo

“There are no wanted or needed abortions!” -Alabama

herodotus450
herodotus450

Just like my old grand pappy used to say: if you don’t want a pram, wrap it up at prom

Redshirt

“A baby is a bore, remember the backdoor.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

There’s a lesser footy “analyst” named Mark Ogden who came out with a starting XI underperforming squad. Aside from having Pogba on the list, despite him leading every offensive category for United as a CM, this shit stain also has Gabriel Jesus on the list.

That’s the same Gabriel Jesus that has 20 goals on 21 starts. How is this mother fucker allowed to write stuff?

King Hippo

that is some straight-up nonsense, yo

/were all the players…ahem…uppity maybe?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

TIME TO PAR-TAYYYY
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I actually got away with putting “unknown, sticky liquid” on the sidewalk multiple times. Maybe because it was salty and smelled vaguely of asparagus instead of sweet and maple-ly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Col. Duke LaCross

When I think soul, I think a white, Canadian dude.

Riders up!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*sole

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“South Korea?” is a better joke tho.

Redshirt

Me: “Long week. So stressed. Need something to make me happy.”

(DC Universe convinces actors, including April Bowlby and Diane Guerrero to do this scene)

NSFW: Profanity and Sexual Situations

h ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmiA2bbFlsY

Me: “Thank you. I needed that.

BC Dick

Diane Guerrero in thick prison granny panties is one of the finest parts of orange is the new black. I have no idea how to find that or put it on here but you know what I mean if you’ve seen that firmly mediocre program.

BC Dick

Redshirt

She’s easily the best actress in “Doom Patrol”. Most of them are good, but she’s literally acting for a dozen and she’s believable when she changes personalities.

Wakezilla

One of the amusing things about doing a paper on South African lesser footy is looking at the nicknames of players. Like, there’s actually a player who was given the nickname of Hitler. Lol

herodotus450
herodotus450

Well a lot of NFL players have that nickname, too. Oh, you said HitLer.

King Hippo

say wut u will, but Herr Fuhrer was a gender-neutral exterminator ,, smgdh

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“He is the Hitler of defensive tackles”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“St. Paulie Girl: the death camp of bottled beers”

Redshirt

“He’s marching through that defense like its the Rhineland!”