Las Razones Por Que Su Equipo Chupando: Paraguay Edicion

Paraguayan National Football and Competitive Barbershop Quartet Team 

 

 

 

First off, I’d like to apologize to our Spanish-speaking DFOers for my atrocious butchering of a beautiful language.

Second off, I’d like to apologize to our non-Spanish-speaking for exposing you to Spanish.  According to my aunt’s Facebook posts, having to listen to even as little as “Para Español, oprima 2” makes us all Less Free.

Third off, I’d like to apologize to our non-English-speaking DFOers, because Monkey table compass nuts.

Now that this is all out of the way, we can proceed with the business of the day: PARAGUAYAN FUTBOL FEVER

GET TESTED FOR IT!!!!!

Ok, that ends the fun portion of the preview. Otherwise, it’s just going to be a parade of busty South American women in (and I use the term “in” loosely) tops that make them like look like either barber poles or pokeballs. And no one wants that, right?

One more for the heterosexual ladies, men of impeccable taste and big ear fetishists

So no one is really giving Paraguay much of a chance, and frankly it’s easy to see why. They have had some historical success. They made the 2010 World Cup quarterfinals, largely on the strength of having a group consisting of Slovakia, New Zealand and a self-destructing Italy.  They are remarkable primarily for having reached the 2011 Copa America Final despite not winning a single game- all ties and later penalty kicks. Hurray for soccer!

Paraguay are very much in the back-middle of the pack based on everything I’m seeing- their betting odds are hovering somewhere between “not likely” and “at least they’re better than Qatar.” They are headlined (for my anglophone-centric purposes) by Miguel Almiron, who has the distinction of making it to the Premier League AFTER playing in MLS instead of before he was washed up and missing key limbs.  Almiron was sold to the Premier League for a record $21 million after helping Atlanta win a “title”.  Unfortunately for him, he signed with Newcastle, did relatively little in 10 games then got injured.  He’s back in time for the tournament, but expectations are not high. West Ham’s Fabián Balbuena is also on the squad, which also features twins Angel and Oscar Romero. Cuz twins are cool.

Apparently Ashton Kutcher decided to try his own “The Boys From Brazil” variation in the next country over

So yeah. I guess the Albirroja (White and Red) are…um…plucky? I mean, at least they don’t have that Suarez asshole, which automatically makes them the better Guay.

Frankly, the entire country deserves better than the shallow and poorly-researched “preview” I’ve given it. It is one of only two landlocked countries in South America and has largely been picked on throughout its history- Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay signed the Treaty of Triple Alliance in 1865 for the express purpose of fucking Paraguay’s shit up, which in turn lost better than half its population in the resulting war.  Its 100% hydroelectric. Guarani, the pre-Spanish language of the region has largely been preserved, with 95% of the population understanding it. It’s the world’s second largest producer of tung oil, which is significantly less sexy now that I’ve learned what it actually is. Still, it deserves our respect.

So yeah. Paraguay is passionate about its football but not very good at it right now, which I suppose makes it perfect for a Bills fan like me to adopt. The tailgates are probably good…

 

 

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Wakezilla

I for one applaud Latin America because Para Guay is very progressive in terms of representation.

King Hippo

This is absolutely lovely stuff. Let’s go The Better Guay!

Unsurprised

The War Nerd did an episode on the War of the Triple Alliance, and holy fucking shit, Paraguay got owned. It wasn’t just over half the population, but like 95% of the male population. All that was left were some of the boys and old men who hadn’t already been sent off to die. To their credit, they saw the war as an existential threat and that’s why they fought to the end. They fought the defensive war that the Allies expected Japan would do if they invaded the home islands.

Third off, I’d like to apologize to our non-English-speaking DFOers, because Monkey table compass nuts.

Trent Green appreciates this act of inclusion.

Ian Scott McCormick

I’m at a bar with the following flags on ther ceiling:
Bills American flag
Rebel Alliance
Steelers American flag
Toronto Maple Leafs
Utah Jazz
Rainbow Bud Light
Labatt Blue
Arsenal
POW-MIA
Bells Brewing
Don’t Tread on Me
New York Mets
IDWIW NYC
United Federation of Planets
And Ol’ Glory herself.
I could suggest Paraguay, but honestly I’m rolling with Ecuador, and Paraguay better hope they don’t meet them in the knockout round, because Ecuador’s just going to kick their dicks off.

litre_cola

Are you in Buffalo?

Ian Scott McCormick

Bay Ridge. Which is the Buffalo of Brooklyn.

Don T

Robust apology game, poor taste in Guays.

litre_cola
SonOfSpam

“Mashrafe Mortaza to de Grandhomme, FOUR runs, right into his hitting arc – a juicy full toss angling away, de Grandhomme loves width. Just belts this without a trace of worry, muscled to the cover boundary. As a batsman, you can’t ask for an easier delivery to put away”

Cricket commentary is weird and gay and weird.

SonOfSpam

“Por qué tu madre apesta” is something you should say if you ever meet a Paraguyan or a Bolivian. Or even a foppish Spaniard.

SonOfSpam

“The reasons why your team sucking”

Google Translate is Borat.

(And Zendaya is Meechee)

Game Time Decision

Monkey table compass nuts is the new purple monkey dishwasher.

Good to see monkey step up and finally get top billing.

LemonJello

“See? These guys get me!!”
comment image

nomonkeyfun

We are a modest species. We don’t need top billing to know our own worth.

/flings poo at typewriter

ballsofsteelandfury

This is a great preview and a hilarious butchering of “suuuuucks”

Don T

Good hustle on espaÑol tho.