Holy snot weasels, it’s Wednesday already? How the hell did that happen? Stupid illusion of linear spacetime….

So I was reading the Librul Elite Fake News today, and I came across this story about how GameStop is circling the drain. Now, in general I have no problem with this- GameStop’s employment conditions are notoriously shitty even for retail, and the company is reaping precisely what it sowed (shout-out to Tycho and Gabe for their prophetic skillz).  However, it got me thinking about the video games I miss.

Don’t get me wrong. I still get my video game on from time to time, usually as part of Quality Time With Dr. Mrs. Mayhem (not that kind of Quality Time you perverts- Rez came out way before we knew each other). I knew I would marry this woman when she unironically shouted “Force Choke that fucker” while we were playing Lego Star Wars.

But still, as Adulting has set in, something had to give. The days when I could mentally justify sitting down for 90 minutes and mowing down virtual henchpeople are largely gone. I’m about four Assassin’s Creed games behind. Carbon dating indicates my newest copy of Madden is from 2014. I legitimately have to look up Penny Arcade references now. It’s sad.

Anyway, all of this sent me down the path of Half Remembered Great Video Games. The banner image represents one- NBA Street was a beautiful comet streaking across the cybersky, its light all too brief. There are a couple of Apple IIGS games I still pine for, notably Wings of Fury and Silpheed. MissionForce: Cyberstorm very nearly lured me into the world of tabletop gaming, combining giant mechs, hex-based movement and the ability to liquefy underperforming pilots before your very eyes.

What are your Favorite Obscure Video Games, fellow degenerates?

NFL NEWS:

Damn near nothing. The lead story on NFL.com is “Preseason Game Times Announced”, which is not even scraping the bottom of the barrel so much as it’s punching a hole straight through. The Packers and Raiders are going to play a preseason game in Winnipeg, presumably to evaluate a potential landing site if the HookerDome in Vegas isn’t ready for occupancy in 2020.

The Preseason Jizzfest over the Browns continues, because everyone has forgotten that they are the Fucking Browns.

The Bears’ quest for a competent placekicker has been narrowed from eight (!) candidates to three, including Chris Blewitt. HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE FAILURE! THE AVERAGE BEARS’ FAN’S CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM CANNOT WITHSTAND SHIT LIKE THIS! Anyway, they are utilizing something called the “Augusta Silence” to try and put pressure on the kickers, where no one is allowed to make any noise while they are kicking. Fuck that. Everyone knows that if you want to ratchet up the pressure, you have to use the Cocker Spaniel Silence, where they bring out a dog who just stares at you unblinkingly until you give him a treat.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

8 p.m. Eastern/7 p.m. Real People Time: Toronto Raptors at Golden State Warriors. Well, there’s basketball. I was originally Team America’s Hat, because Kevin Durant’s annoying, Draymond Green still hasn’t apologized for his Crotch Targeting Ways, and Kawhi Leonard seems like he constantly on the edge of just choking whoever’s nearest him- which feeling I can appreciate. Then Drake inserted himself into the narrative and Durant remained hurt, raising the delicious possibility of the Warriors winning without him and him storming off to the Knicks to languish while trying to prove that He Is His Own Man. Then I realized I don’t care enough to go through more than two iterations, so I had a snack and moved on.

8 p.m. Eastern/ 7 p.m. Right Time: Chicago Sky at Washington Mystics: Heavy favorites, the Mystics play host to the Not LuvaBulls in an early-season showdown. Chicago knocked off the defending champs Seattle Storm(s?) in their last game though, and playing against former Sky Elena Delle Donne (coming off a knee injury) may bring out the best in them. Never mind. You don’t care. You didn’t even read this paragraph. Chauvinist pigdog…

All The Time Everywhere: A Knight’s Tale:  I swear, this movie is playing on some channel all the time somewhere in the world. It is vastly underrated. The cast includes The Joker, Robert Baratheon, Wash from Firefly, the dude from Dark City, Mark Antony and Mr. Jennifer Connelly. Go watch it.

Happy Wednesday, if such a thing exists.

Foxborough delenda est.