Jameis Rides Again – The Tampa Bay Buccaneers DFO Preview

No one really cares about this team. The last time they were interesting, Mike Alstott was winning fans’ hearts two yards at a time, and Jon Gruden was considered a quality football mind. With that in mind, this preview is gonna be a listicle. I’m lazy, you don’t care, it’s like kismet but less Turkish. (Actually, this is turning out to be a series of bullet points instead of a listicle. This is truly an abysmal effort and I’d be ashamed were I capable of feeling that way.)

Team: YOUR Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Hometown: Tampa Bay, Florida (apparently Tampa Bay is a body of water that is comprised of five mini-bays that form a natural harbor and holy crap I’m already bored.) Tampa is a city on the gulf side of Florida that’s mostly known for meth and being the sister city of Ashdod, Israel, which is obviously famous for being where Philip the Evangelist converted an Ethiopian eunuch to Christianity.

Home Athletic Field Park: Raymond James Stadium, which has a stupid-ass pirate ship at one end. I mean, look at this stupid thing:

Nickname Origin: The team nickname came from the days when a pirate named Gasparilla came ashore seeking food and supplies. He met with the local Indian tribe (probably Seminoles or Hindus) who offered to sell him corn (in their language, “maze” because the kernel pattern looked like a labyrinth). Gasparilla was eager to load up on the corn, as he was stupid and thought scurvy was due to a lack of starch. He inquired as to the price, and the Indians huddled among themselves. “We should trade each corn unit for the male deer he has with him,” the head negotiator whispered, noticing the deer for the first time even though, come on, full-grown male deer are pretty damn big. With that, the chief looked at Gasparilla and said, “Okay pirate, you must give us one large deer for each piece of corn.” Gasparailla thought about this for a moment, and said, “You got a deal, chief!” The natives could not believe they sold their corn for a buck-an-ear, and they decreed that if football was invented and a team came to this area, buck-an-ear would be the nickname. It remains the only Indian tradition ever honored by white men.

Ownership: The Buck-an-ears are owned by the Glazer family, whose patriarch Malcolm died five years ago. They also own Manchester United (a “soccer” team in “England”), and lots of real estate. It’s nice that they pay less in taxes than they used to, because it’s about time multi-millionaire inheritors caught a break in this country.

Team Colors: Red, pewter, black, and Bay orange. It’s like a bloody stool composed of Cheetos and lug nuts.

2018 Record: 5 wins, 11 losses. It’s a boring crappy record, like something from Death Cab For Cutie.

Offensive Playmaker: Jameis Winston is quite offensive, especially to certain coeds at Florida State vis-a-vis getting raped. Winston was eventually cleared gifted a charge-dropping, and is a sympathetic character to certain right-wing publications who just hate to see a guy accused of sexual assault (even a black guy). He’s an undeniably talented player and a complete fucking bonehead. It would be lazy to include a meme about the time Winston stole crab legs, so

Other Guys On Offense: Mike Evans spend a couple years in college convincing idiots that Johnny Manziel was a good quarterback, so that’s a positive negative or whatever. Peyton Barber is a running back who can’t run, and O.J. Howard is one of the better non-killing O.J.s in NFL history.

Defense: Jameis said he didn’t do it, and he also screamed “Fuck her right in the pussy” so we report, you decide. Also, the Buck-An-Ears might have some players who play defense, but I don’t get paid enough to look up how to spell EnDommaKong Sue. Actually, I need to discuss my per diem with management. Most leather bars don’t serve food, but getting spanked with a bullwhip should be covered in lieu of lunch. How does bullwhip insertion get coded on our expense reports? Spanking, of course, not insertion, that’s crazy talk ha ha I am a joker. Anyway, coordinator Todd Bowles will probably run a 4-3 system unless he chooses to run a 3-4. Nickel defenses are used on passing downs to keep offenses from stealing your five cent coins.

Special Teams: The ’88 Dodgers, for one.

2019 Outlook:

2019 Prediction: I dunno…let’s say 6-10, with several shootouts, due to a lack of defensive prowess and entitled white incel cucks.

MRSA Forecast: Partly infected with a chance of necrotic tissue.

Anything Else: Nah, we good. Please spay or neuter your pets.