Learning to Love Unflavoured Ice Milk (Donks 2019 Preview)

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

You know, call me crazy, but I have never been the world’s biggest Joe Flacco fan.  I mean, the memes are fantastic, but as a QB, he’s pretty much a polyester leisure suit.  Fit for these times?  Not hardly.

But a quick perusal of the remainder of the depth chart?  ALL IN on Bert.

Drew Lock?  Below is a comprehensive list of big dumb guys with nothing but arm talent, who have thrived in the NFL (during Hippo’s lifetime):

SIGH.  Marino and The Ben are nobody’s idea of stable geniuses – but Marino was deadly accurate, The Ben can maintain his mechanics and square up a throw with a grizzly bear chewing on his testicles.  Our Equine Lord and Saviour has yet to figure out that he has a type, and it’s a type that’s NO GOOD for him.  Or specifically, us.  Anyway, this isn’t based on his terribad pre-season performance, it’s a matter of his college tape and how fast every other front office in the League ran away from this schmuck.  On the bright side, there is no chance this guy will be game-ready – as even a TRIAL to see what you’ve got – before mid-season 2020.  At which point another QB class is missed.

What about Kevin Hogan?  Well, he’s a Stanford man, so you see Elway’s thinking there.  Unfortunately, he throws about as well as my grandmother.  My dead grandmother.  Will almost assuredly be the #2, despite being a completely different style of player than the dude he’ll back up.

Lastly, undrafted FA Brett Rypien.  He got a 6-figure signing bonus, so you’d think the Donks plan to keep him.  I just don’t see how the roster maths works.  I like him much more than Lock, he just screams “4-year cost controlled backup.”  So, like Trevor Siemian, without trying to pretend he’s starter-calibre.

Now that the bad stuff is out of the way, let’s look at the good. Don Fangio is a nice, Mafioso hire, along with the rest of the new staff members.  Emphasize what Denver is good at, namely defense, defense, and defense.  Von Miller and Bradley Chubb are a pass-rushing duo to make 31 other sides envious.  As long as LB play isn’t too bad, and someone is able to make noise up the middle (3rd round pick Dre’Mont Jones of Theeeeee?), this should be an excellent for reals and fantasy unit.

There are also some new toys that do fit Flacco’s style.  1st round pass catching TE Noah Fant is an obvious one, but the recent pick up of 3rd down back extraordinaire Theo Riddick may have even more impact.  Expect to see deep fly routes and dump offs, pretty much fuckall in-between.  Dalton Risner (41st overall) should do a great job stabilizing the OL, along with free agent RT Ja’Wuan Jones.  Plus, running the ball.  Phillip Lindsay and Royce Freeman figure to both see lot of work, and likely actually do something with it.

All of that adds up to something between 6 and 8 wins.  It’s a challenging division, and Rome wasn’t built in a day.  Anyway, I will just look forward to seeing a competent team with competent leadership.  That’s a start, anyway.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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CuntlerLow Commander of the Super SoldiersDon TUnsurprisedBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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Cuntler

I’ll take Mack and Floyd over Von and Chubb, for what it is worth. I am also an idiot and under-respect the value of Goldman and Hicks. Anyway, the Broncos are going to be 6 wins bad, and I hope the local radio guy from Syracuse (they are all from Syracuse for some reason) named D-Bag (I think?) gets stabbed by Marcus King.

Cuntler

err… Marquette King.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Don T

Hope the OL is good. Otherwise,
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Ben can maintain his mechanics and square up a throw with a grizzly bear chewing on his testicles.

This demands to be tested. For science.

And because Big Ben is a piece of shit sexual predator.

Game Time Decision

The donks. Now with 56% less flavor

Ian Scott McCormick

Bring back Tebow, dammit.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Game Time Decision

Omg. That’s awesome. Too bad we can’t banner an image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t think Flacco is going to find the altitude ELITE

LemonJello
LemonJello

What’s the non-fat wintergreen ice milk scene in Colorado look like?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

“Wintergreen?!?! What do I look like, Timothy Leary?” -J. Flacco

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Absinthe

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

The king of the leisure suit:

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LemonJello
LemonJello

I can hear his bionics sound effects through that picture.