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Your “International Left-Handers Day” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

The Maestro

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Wait, huh? How did I get stuck with this? I’m too drunk for this. I have no insightful banter for you, so in lieu of that, I just have a shitload of lists. Oh yeah, I guess today is also International Left-Handers Day – another holiday I get to celebrate! Time to head to the Springfield Mall for my annual discounts at the Leftorium, I guess?

In NFL news today:

  • We have a new episode of Hard Knocks out tonight! After all of the Antonio Brown insanity that unfolded this week – from the cryogenic frostbite on his foot to the threats of retirement if he can’t wear his preferred helmet in the upcoming season – this is gonna be a juicy one. CTE is definitely real, folks, but before we see the truly heinous stuff that results from it, we get some amusing AB antics, at least?
  • Andrew Luck is dealing with a “bone injury” according to Jim Irsay; considering his prior injury history, I’m sure that team doctor Nick Riviera will be providing some top-notch care. Fat Humps fans, meanwhile, are preparing themselves a lard slip-and-slide into the mouth of hell if Luck is out for an extended period of time again.
  • Josh Rosen got reps with the Dolphins’ first-team offence today, as Miami’s QB competition continues between dumb and dumber. Any time that Ryan Fucking Fitzpatrick is squeezing you out of a job, it might be time to find a new career.
  • 500s HC Bill O’Brien still has absolutely no clue on when star DE Jadeveon Clowney will report to training camp. Seems promising.
  • Tampa signed former Pro Bowl safety Darian Stewart to help bolster their secondary; naturally, he will regress to the mean now that he is forced to reside within the state of Florida.

Cool Shit That Happened In History On This Day

  • 29 BC – Octavian (later Augustus Caesar), having just defeated the Dalmatian tribes along the eastern shore of the Adriatic sea, returns to Rome and has three triumphal processions to celebrate.
  • 1521 – Hernan Cortes defeats the Aztecs and captures the city of Tenochtitlan, the capital of the empire.
  • 1792 – French King Louis XVI is arrested and imprisoned as an enemy of the people.
  • 1899 – Alfred Hitchcock is born.
  • 1905 – Norway formally dissolves its union with Sweden.
  • 1926 – Fidel Castro is born.
  • 1949 – Philadelphia Flyers legend Bobby Clarke is born.
  • 1960 – The Central African Republic celebrates its independence as a nation from France for the very first time.
  • 1969 – The Troubles begin in northern Ireland.
  • 1970 – Elvis Grbac is born.
  • 1995 – Mickey Mantle dies.
  • 2004 – Julia Child dies.

I’m sure I missed stuff. Eh, fuck it, whatever. Alcohol trumps all.

On TV Tonight

Looks like it’s pretty much an all-baseball lineup tonight, folks. All times are in EST.

American League

  • Orioles @ Yankees, 7:05 PM (YES, MASN)
  • Rangers @ Blue Jays, 7:07 PM (Fox Sports Southwest, Rogers Sportsnet, TVA Sports 2)
  • Red Sox @ Indians, 7:10 PM (NESN, SportsTime Ohio, TSN1/3/4, RDS2)
  • Mariners @ Tigers, 7:10 PM (FOX Sports Detroit, ROOT Northwest)
  • Astros @ White Sox, 8:10 PM (NBC Sports Chicago +, AT&T SportsNet Southwest)

National League

  • Reds @ Nationals, 7:05 PM (MASN 2, FOX Sports Ohio)
  • Cubs @ Phillies, 7:05 PM (NBC Sports Philadelphia, NBC Sports Chicago, MLB Network)
  • Dodgers @ Marlins, 7:10 PM (FOX Sports Florida, AT&T SportsNet LA)
  • Mets @ Braves, 7:20 PM (FOX Sports Southeast, AT&T SportsNet NY, MLB Network)
  • D-Backs @ Rockies, 8:40 PM (AT&T SportsNet Rocky Mountains, FOX Sports Arizona)

Interleague

  • Twins @ Brewers, 8:10 PM (FOX Sports North, FOX Sports West 1)
  • Cardinals @ Royals, 8:15 PM (FOX Sports Kansas City, FOX Sports Missouri)
  • A’s @ Giants, 9:45 PM (NBC Sports Bay Area, NBC Sports California)
  • Pirates @ Angels, 10:07 PM (FOX Sports West, AT&T SportsNet Pittsburgh)
  • Rays @ Padres, 10:10 PM (FOX Sports San Diego, FOX Sports Sun)

Little League World Series

  • Semifinal #1, 7:00 PM (ESPN2)
  • Semifinal #2, 9:30 PM (ESPN2)

Soccer (Copa MX)

  • Tijuana @ Querétaro, 8:00 PM (ESPN3, ESPN Deportes)
  • FC Juarez @ Atlante 10:00 PM (ESPN3, ESPN Deportes)

WNBA

  • Lynx @ Liberty, 7:00 PM (WNBA League Pass, FOX Sports Go)
  • Dream @ Aces, 10:00 PM (Twitter, My LVTV)

Tennis

  • Western & Southern Open, 7:00 PM (TSN3/5, RDS1)

Fantasy Football

  • SportsCenter Special: Fantasy Football Draft, 7:00 PM (ESPN)

That’s all for now, folks. I turn it over to you.

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Unsurprised

Well, I’ve wasted the evening again. Later.

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Unsurprised

LAAAANNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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litre_cola

This song saved my life. Good night, you are all good people.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn1WbBaWTdc

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theeWeeBabySeamus

/looks around at these “allegedly good” people
//realized Litre-cola must be very high

1
litre_cola

Just left BC Dicks house, so yeah.

2
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Glad you’re still here. Also glad I got to meet you IRL.

2
litre_cola

Thanks me too. Pity Shannon Hoon isn’t here though.

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litre_cola

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_ihXlWKC7g

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litre_cola

Other than LCSS, is there any other Tool fans here? Thoughts of Fear Inoculum?

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litre_cola

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4onAxKnaqEc

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve got a tool for ya, buddy boy.
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litre_cola

Not your buddy, pal, just worried about your tool and others thoughts about it.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not your pal, Guy.

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litre_cola

J’avais aucune idee que t’etait francais, Guy.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Fucking Canadia.
(lol)

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theeWeeBabySeamus

And at one time I was fluent in French.
Unfortunately I’m stupid and I’ve forgotten more than I ever learned at this point.

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litre_cola

Thought you would like that flip in conversation!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I did help my French little sister learn English, however.
Hopefully I won’t ever forget English.

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Mr. Ayo

j’aime les petites soeurs. Votre nom s il vous plait?

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litre_cola

Votre is his name, HAI M…! Sisters are cool, agreed.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Elle n’est pas ma vraie soeur biologique.
Je la baiserais si l’occasion se présentait.

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Mr. Ayo

HAHAHA. Eiffel tower high five!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

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litre_cola

Jesus that went sideways

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theeWeeBabySeamus

gimme a sec. I’m not gonna post personal photos of her, but….gimme a sec….

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theeWeeBabySeamus

These photos were posted online by her so I am not sweating it.
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litre_cola

Absolument. Si elle n’est pas famille tu peut faire quest ce que tu veut.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Elle s’appelle Noelly. Elle est nommée pour Noël. Mais est né une semaine en retard le jour du Nouvel An.

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Mr. Ayo

My big tool fan friend loves it.

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litre_cola

I do too. It is the same sound. It isn’t broken so they didn’t try to do something new.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

“My big tool fan”….

No I’m not laughing. Well maybe a little.

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Mr. Ayo

I’m not bragging. I’m just stating facts.

lol

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why was I not told about this/why did we not BOTG this?

https://www.nbcnews.com/nightly-news/video/meet-the-dogs-competing-to-be-champion-surfers-66026053741

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m thinking about taking a little time off drinking. But I have SO MUCH good beer in the fridge.

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Unsurprised

Donate it to a worthy cause: Me

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Should I stop by?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m thinking I’ll just talk myself into drinking it all very quickly and then take some time off drinking

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I finally got that half-million brick on 2048 Bricks. I can finally now close the book on that chapter of my life.

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Brick Meathook

Did this involve me?

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Been a long day. I have to go check and make sure Mom isn’t dead yet, and stinking up the house, then get some sleep.
G’night all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUgLge_MPIM

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Orioles lost to the Yankees again, btw.
At least they finally figured out how to beat us.

The March to 50 wins continues.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

So I have to jerk off left-handed or what?

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WCS

I always have.

BONUS WCS FACT: I play hockey lefty, too! Two different types of shooting from the same hand! I’m the Jimi Hendrix and/or Phil Michelson of jerking off!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I have so many remarks/questions that my brain is shutting down.
But I’m going to keep them all to myself because your wife is one of the few people on the planet who still thinks I’m a decent human being.

Poor girl. She’ll learn soon enough.

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WCS

You haven’t met my kids yet, They think you’re a decent person, too! So, that’s three!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I think you might be wrong there. They always yell at me through the phone.

Then again, usually they’re yelling at you. So I guess you suck.

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Mr. Ayo

It can be both.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Let’s go.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

This feels a lot like a Gary Larson cartoon.

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litre_cola

WNBA listings? We have moved even leftier

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think it is more summerier, no viewingier. It might also be recognition to the league, now that they have people suspended for fighting.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

Reminding myself of the best way to deal with a libertarian chud is not to get mad by to mock them mercilessly about fucking either guns or teens and they’ll throw a fit and block you lol

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Curt Shilling may run for Congress in Arizona. Blax got out just in time.

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...

Oh hell yes. He’s the dumb jock chud America needs

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Sharkbait

Because he sure as shit cant run for office in Rhode Island.

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Unsurprised

He can’t run for shit.

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litre_cola

This comment should be framed.

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Unsurprised

Thank you.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

I never knew Louis XVI wrote for the New York Times.

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Unsurprised

He and everyone else at the little lord Fauntleroy school of journalism

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Fronkenshteen

Fantasy football anyone? The league is called Door Flies Open. I didn’t set a password, so there shouldn’t be one. No entry fee, but first prize is a $100 Amex gift card. It’s not Sill’s Insanity League, but the scoring is a bit weird. No kickers, no defense, no designated TE slot. ESPN added a Head Coach to the roster, so of course, in true DFO fashion, I inverted their value. So you’ll be looking for a shitty coach and a bad team to get their fucking teeth kicked in every week. Fun!
Anyway, please join.

https://fantasy.espn.com/football/league/join?leagueId=70181198&inviteId=c0aadb44-4eea-4c22-8a2d-fe169ecfd269

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The Maestro

In!

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Fronkenshteen

Right on! Draft date and time are completely negotiable.

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Sharkbait

Signed up

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Fronkenshteen

Hell yeah! At this rate, I may have to add teams & shrink the bench size.

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Col. Duke LaCross

In.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

in. can’t wait to be relegated.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

There is a God!!!!!

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Unsurprised

Nah. God would’ve kept her from getting those awful bolt-on implants and having her career be so violent and vile that when she quit she became an anti-porn crusader.

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Unsurprised

The first PG-13 Bruckheimer movie. What a fucking ripoff this was deleted from the theatrical release.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

Nice post.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-Rex the Cat

1
...

The Bears season begins in a mere three weeks against the Packers and I can not WAIT to see how Rodgers bends the Bears over a barrel on national TV yet again.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was giving Cincinnati sports fans hope.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess Gisele trains for Tom.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

I’m sure I missed stuff. Eh, fuck it, whatever. Alcohol trumps all.

“That’s what I said.”

-Mickey M.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Mmmm… Jennifer Esposito….

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Can the Arizona professional football team match the success of the Arizona school systems?

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The Maestro

That’s an astronomically low bar for the Cards to clear.

That said, I’m still highly doubtful they do it.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I had to us the bus burning and their school system somehow. That would be ~1-15.

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Redshirt

Wow. You’re school buses had wheels?

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scotchnaut

“Officials were finally able to confirm that the “Exploring Spontaneous Combustion” episode of The Magic School Bus claimed the lives of 8 of the 11 children in Ms. Frizzle’s class.”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“That’s 123%.”

-Elected School district superintendent

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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LemonJello

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scotchnaut

Will Sasso is a gem.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOh6YyJWcgk

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

Really getting her money’s worth from the Corinthian Leather + Sybian passenger seat option.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She got an average deal from the plastic surgeon tho.

1
LemonJello

She paid top peso for that Tijuana Boob Job!

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Unsurprised

And only a peso by the look of it.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Fucking Canadians. WTF with the Rosen v. Fitzmagic deal? Fitzpatrick has 126 games started, 14 years experience, ~30,000 yards passing, at least seven offensive schemes learned, and through certain short lived stretches has been successful. While he is no superstar by any standard, he is a very good backup and a lower level starter. Rosen has had one year experience, in a shitty offense, behind the worst line in the league, started 13 games, with ~2300 yards passing. How could you logically expect for Rosen to automatically beat out Fitz (HARVARD!) this early in a new offense. Rosen may turn out to be average or below or descent, but he has not been trained as a professional at the position yet.

Darian Stewart has played strong safety and free safety, only cornerback when *certain* got all the cornerbacks injured. He made the probowl at free safety.

Your huge DFO paycheck might get a little less if you are not careful!

See what happens when people dump an expectation of #content in your lap last minute. Expecially with the exchange rate what it is now.

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scotchnaut

THIS JUST IN: Moose is drunk.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ax me another question, PAL!

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scotchnaut

Show me the first question. #mooseisdrunk

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hey pal, I can be completely sober and still have back-outs.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also, still not drunk enough to write this:

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His Uninhibited Acts Reaped A Whirlwind Of Aroused Passions As He Probed The Hidden, Animal Cravings Of Desire-Maddened Women!!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

From the back:

THEY WERE TORTURED BY LUSTFUL CRAVINGS!!

He instilled a fiery longing for his manliness among the restless women who crossed his path. Ever alert for an opportunity he took advantage of their every erotic desire, lustful thought and carnal wish to satisfy his frenzied drive toward quenching his burning need!!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just pedantic.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

I’ve learned to go with the assumption that Moose is drunk. Quick to be playful and fun, but if you piss Moose off, may God have mercy on you soul, because Moose won’t.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I don’t really get pissed off here, I do get pedantic’ed off though.

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The Maestro

To be fair, I knew that about the Safety stuff, I just had a brain fart due to the alcomahol. But the rest is fair.

I guess I’m just down on Rosen because I’m cynical about Fitzpatrick. Even taking the whole “veteran mentorship” thing into account, Fitzpatrick’s teammates have never shown the ability to take the next leap into star status. Not EJ Manuel, not Ryan Mallett or Tom Savage, not Geno Smith or Bryce Petty, not Jameis. If you look at that history of players, and you’re assuming that Fitzpatrick’s presence was to be in that “mentorship”/spot starter role… and nobody else has improved as a player in any significant manner… why do you expect it to work all of a sudden in Miami?

Forgive the drunken ramblings, I just think the whole “veteran mentorship” thing has always been a stupid way of constructing rosters.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would expect Fitzpartic to sabotage Rosen rather than mentor him. That guy “KNOWS” he is a starter. I think once Rosen figures it out he will start, but it will most likely take an injury. Arians nation likes his QBs to really know his offense and I’d think Rosen is not there yet.

I’m also giving you some shit too.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also; does Tom TRAIN for this pussy?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Maybe not.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Bottom line is that the P*ts will own the division again with no real competition. Frowny face.

1
Ian Scott McCormick

My kid shares a birthday with Fidel Castro, which falls on the day Mickey Mantle died. Just kind of an all around bad day for Yankees.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Waaaaaay back when when I was in junior high school I shared a birthday with one girl who was one of the cool kids. Damn, she hated that; it was particularly rewarding for me to piss someone off like that without even trying.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes, they DID have junior high schools then.

1
Redshirt

Ha! Finally the Patriots cut their QB they were trying to make a WR. That was a completely stupid thing to do. Well, let see how the Bengals are doing…

https://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/2019/08/13/cincinnati-bengals-roster-could-qb-jeff-driskel-wide-receiver/2000749001/

…and I should’ve seen that coming. Sadly, I think Driskel would still beat out John Ross for WR4.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Maybe HE can throw it to himself!”

-Gisele Bündchen

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

found a funny:
is it relaxing for pigeons to be at the beach or are they there on business

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, seagulls can be carnivorous….

1
rockingdog

gooooo PADRES!

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Sharkbait

Test?

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rockingdog

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Redshirt

Failure. Activating backup plan Bravo-Echo-Niner-2.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwrgOqh4R6s

2
ballsofsteelandfury

My car is in the shop, so the dealership gave me a free loaner. I’m actually surprised at how nice it is.

3
Redshirt

I know what you mean.

When I went on vacation, the rental car place gave me a 2020 Kia Soul with 6K in miles. I drive a 2009 Ford Focus just north of 135K. With newness of the car, not to mention the lane assist and auto idle off, it felt like I was driving a car from the future.

1
Porky Prime

Jesus Christ people, is this how we celebrate Elvis Grbac day? Put on some hats, call a hooker, buy some blow! Stimulate the economy!

9
scotchnaut

“Way, way ahead of you.”

-J. Manziel

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herodotus450

Stimulate the economy!

I’ll be back in 5 minutes.

7
scotchnaut

“Did I say ‘an invisible hand’ was necessary to stimulate the economy? What I meant was, what was needed was a strong, a very strong, a really strong hand. A hand capable of many strokes if required.”

-Adam Smith, amending the final draft of The Wealth of Nations

4
Redshirt

If you have a respectable partner that not perfect but is just fine, break up with them, find a flashy new partner who will be sloppy, cheat on you with other people and break up with them in a year.

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Unsurprised

Motherfucker. I just wasted the entire afternoon sitting in my office. How the fuck was I able to do that?

Also, one of these days I might retell my visit to Phoenix and the Cardinals front office, but every time I think about it it just doesn’t seem worth sharing.

I do have a group photo of us all in Cardinal hard hats, though. Cheap fucks could’ve let us keep them while building that monstrosity and … Never mind.

1
Unsurprised

When I met Mike Bidwill in 2004 he was the team’s general counsel and not yet president and he still managed to let slip how much the NFL grossed in 2003 (just over $2 billion), a figured at the time guarded like nuclear secrets, to a group of random-ass law students. That’s how fucking smart and clever he is.

5
...

More like Mike Bidpoorly

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...

I don’t care that his name isn’t actually Bidwell. It will be if I need it for a bad joke.

2
SonOfSpam

“Hey Maestro…the Little League World Series semifinals tonight are for SOFTBALL, which is stupid and wrong, as opposed to baseball, which is sexy and sexier. Get it together, you horrible tease.”

– J. Sandusky, Penn State (Pen)

1
LemonJello

“Are the softball games part of the Comcast package in Hell?”
-J Epstein, Satan’s new fuckboi

1
The Maestro

Once again, I’m merely proving I am too drunk for this shit.

3
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

After a week and a half with a rental, I’m finally getting my car back today! I hope the Nissan Versa I’ve been stuck with explodes into shrapnel the moment Enterprise is done checking that piece of crap in.
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The Maestro

Hahahahah, fuck. Talk about cheaping out on a loaner. Versas aren’t worth the asphalt they sit on. Fuck Enterprise, not just specifically for this, but also in general.

2
Redshirt

That’s why I go to Hertz. I’ve gone there a few times and those cars are always clean and reliable.

1
scotchnaut

Back in the day I was a total Foucault fanboy and I thought Chomsky “got served”. Later on I thought that Chomsky held serve. Later, after that, I realized that this was an even exchange of ideas and this was important for the general public to see. Later, I understood that a civilized debate between two philosophers would never occur in this place and time without being shitter-ized by all branches of social media.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5wuB_p63YM

2
herodotus450

“Chompsky you say?”
-Luis Suarez

2
Unsurprised

The closest we’ve had is Zizek vs. Peterson and JBP got his ass humiliated. Even his reddit fanboys were embarrassed for him.

1
...

Saw some screencap of some musty gross corner of the internet that claimed Peterson had a 145 or 150 IQ and every reply was basically hysterical laughter.

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scotchnaut

You had me at “I’m too drunk for this”. HUZZAH!

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