He’s not dead, he’s drunk!

Two years in a row the sky crashed open, the world ended in violence and heartbreak. Some kind of voodoo magic fills the air, smoke pestilence, outrage, disgrace no other way to explain it. No one giggles anymore.

The game was over, victory was ours and then the inexplicable happens.

All of our collected sorrows pooled together into a river of blood that flowed down Bourbon street. All of our hopes and dreams floating right down Canal to spill forever into the gulf of our lost seasons.

One blown coverage? One missed pass interference (which changed the game forever, review penalties? sorry about that one) and every single one of the “Who Dat” nation died again.

How do you recover? It’s as if God himself hates the entire organization. What did we do? Watch some silly ass movie (which sucked hard by the way) when we were just over indulged pathetic children and then a life time of regret?

I mean seriously what the fuck?

I dare any team from any league anywhere in the world to have your team experience what my team had to endure, twice in two years, and let’s see you rise above, move on to the next to be conquered. I dare say you would have fallen over your agitated broken hearts. But us Saints fans have to relive it over and over, the nightmare is real, the dream was murdered.

I turn left then quickly back to right as the blood begins to rise, ankle, now shin, soon to cover all that is holy. As the vital life juices began to congeal all that’s left is black hopelessness, no future. For we are doomed to keep repeating this misery year after dreadful year until only death can give us sweet mercy.

My heart is empty, my soul burns in Hell, I seek the quiet solitude, as Slayer once said “God send Death” and then it happens.

Is that a fucking bird singing out in that tree? The long winter is gone, summer has broken and on the horizon lies a horrid future.

The N.F.L. is back, dear Christ no! Strike me blind instead, no more torture, my fragile psyche can not accept this. I fear I must never return to football.

Well let’s be fair the game really does kind of suck now. Maybe I’ll just watch old reruns of “Ethiopia has Talent” that dude can sing, man. Save myself the grief, the vomiting, the night terrors that comes with watching this wicked game. Liar I say! You were caught watching preseason just the other night, my God man just get on with the preview.

I’ll do it but be warned this is being done under protest and there will be truths that will haunt you from now until forever (and we all know that’s a long, long, time.) No one gets out of this unscathed, you’ve been warned.

Thank whatever Gods there are that fill the vast void of space for Drew Brees, the truth, the life, the way. It’s worked over the last couple of season so I am going to repeat my chant this year, shut up you were warned. “Please dear God do not let Drew die on the field” as he is back to start his 19th season in the league (his 14th with the Saints) and he will turn 41 before the season is over. Egads.

Last year saw him do what he’s always done, be quite frankly the best ever, no hyperbole. The passing game was 12th in the league (not that damn good) the rushing game, now it was 6th which leads to some foggy math that made them 14th overall. Look out here comes the big stuff, Max Unger our world champion center has retired and it looks like rookie draft choice Erik McCoy is going to get a shot to start.

What could possibly go wrong? That old man that plays quarterback why he’s too small and dreadfully slow for this league which, you know, means? Blitzing lineman! Run Drew run don’t let those bad men eat you.

But on the bright side we lost our second best (the Saints have done this notoriously in the teams history (Jimmy who? Graham anybody?) running back Mark Ingram who signed in Baltimore for significantly more than New Orleans offered, but remember that bright side thing? In walks ( I know you’re holding your breath in anticipation) Latavius Murray.

Silence fills the room. Is that a joke? Murray? Really? Did you do it on a dare or were you coerced?

Alvin Kamara for president and let’s not forget newly minted Michael “Oh Hell yea” Thomas, best receiver in the bigs and you know it so suck it. And adding a beast tight end like Jared Cook, well that can’t hurt so now all we have to do is keep Drew upright and these guys will light some suckers up, but please stop with the damn giveaways.

Now after all that cheer let’s turn our dead eyes to the loathsome defense.

LOOK AT THE DARKNESS IN THOSE EYES, PURE EVIL

Overall a slight improvement from the last 16 years. Slight. I will only torture you with the last two seasons at this moment. In 2017 15th against the pass in 2018 wait for it, 29th, huh? They got worse? Is that good to digress?

2017 16th against the rush, last year check this shit out, number 2! Hear me bitches? Second best in football. Ha! “So what stupid, nobody runs in this league!”

And here’s a suggestion, how about you get pressure without utilizing the blitz. Not enough atrocity for you? Try this maniacal fury, the kicking game you ask? Punting 28, kicking 31st, yep only one team worse.

Dear God this team, this game makes me daft.

Prediction time party peoples, any one of the four teams in this division could suck to unholy Hell or go (not Carolina, the gods will never tolerate that) 11-5. The schedule we face is fairly weak, sadly I have heard a lot of nitwit pontificators (so I made it up, you can too if you want) saying we’re going to blow, so I’ll say 9-7 with a sniff of the playoffs perhaps a brown sniff but a sniff just the same.

Now let’s hold hands together as we skip down the sidewalk that leads to the gates of Hell. My grandson said from now on he wants to be called “Audrey” so things are most certainly looking up. LET’S GO CUBBIES!!

So there is some silly rumor out there that Chris Paul, yes that one, wanted to bowl me three games winner take all.. I said Hell yes and then skipped out of town. Not true. The real truth is once agreed upon he ran for the hills. So here I am right here! Calling you out. Hey CP3 pee pee, lets go! Stop ducking me, 3 games you choose the bowling alley and time I show up and beat your ass right soundly. Let’s GO!!

D.J Taj off to the fridge. Wheres my cool one? Are those pork rinds? Yummy.

GEAUX SAINTS!!