All Apologies to Lewis Carroll: The DFO Indianapolis Colts 2019 Preview

THE ANDREWLUCKY

’Twas brillig, and the boring Colts 
      Did gyre and gimble in the ‘Nap: 
All drunkish were the cheering dolts, 
      Gravy’d sacks of fatty crap.
ω
“Protect the AndrewLuck, my son! 
      The fragile arm, the aching back! 
Beware the Watt and Clowney pair, 
      And hand it off to Mack!”
ω 
He took his ovoid ball in hand; 
      Long time the tiny Hilton sought— 
So checked it down to Funchess now 
      And gained in yardage naught.
ω 
And, as in Hodor-face he ran, 
      The AndrewLuck, with eyes of flame, 
Came lumb’ring through without a plan, 
      And fumbled as though lame!
ω 
Hut one! Hut two! And through and through 
      The punter’s foot went doinky-doinks! 
He pinned them back, and with a sack 
      The defense got the team two points.
ω 
“And hast thou helped the AndrewLuck? 
      Come to my arms, my defense thugs! 
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!” 
      Then Irsay took more drugs. 
ω
’Twas brillig, and the boring Colts 
      Did gyre and gimble in the ‘Nap: 
All drunkish were the cheering dolts, 
      Gravy’d sacks of fatty crap.
ω
Author’s note: The symbol between each stanza is a representation of the Greek letter omega, but I included it because it looks like boobs or a butt. For more information, visit a public library.
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SonOfSpam
SonOfSpam is a mediocre ship captain and an even worse writer. He is allowed to contribute to this website in exchange for money and drugs. Please don't encourage him or make direct eye contact.
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[…] retrospect, it may not have been wise to make the 2019 Indianapolis Colts Preview post all about Andrew Luck. Just before the season started, Andrew’s agent gave Jim Irsay the […]

Unsurprised

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INDIANAPOLIS—Admitting that he could not take the physical and mental punishment anymore, Colts quarterback Andrew Luck tearfully described years of fighting through the searing pain he experiences during every moment spent in Indianapolis. “Day in and day out, it takes a lot out of you—it’s been seven years of getting hit by Indianapolis, and the pain has just gotten to be too much,” said Luck, expressing concern that even one more season in the Indiana state capital was going to do permanent damage from which he could never recover. “I didn’t want to do this. I want to play football, I want to be there for my team, but I can’t stand the jolts of pain that course through my nerves every time I see this fucking city. I’ve got to do what is best for my family, and I don’t want them to see me like this, living in this place. I don’t want to be 50 and brain-damaged from two decades of staring at Indianapolis every day.” At press time, players around the league had expressed support and solidarity with Luck and called on the NFL to help protect player health by banning play in Indianapolis.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Visit my local library? Why can’t I masturbate at the office? I thought this was America.

King Hippo

It goes without seighing, but THANKS, Obama!!!11111

bk109

Hell, masturbating at the office is why your forefathers stormed the beaches of Trenton FOR !

Unsurprised

Because the people at the library won’t say this about you after you’re gone. NSFW

h

ttps://i.redd.it/vctzidcjyoe31.jpg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Welp, can’t unsee that.

Unsurprised

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Sharkbait

Oh that was amazing.

Don T

truly

yeah right

Now THAT’S a proper team preview DFO style.
Awesome.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Gravy’d sacks of fatty crap.

This is where my stomach started hurting from the laughter.

Unsurprised

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Brilliant.
Now I’ve got a picture of Jim Irsay surrounded by bottles that say DRINK ME and piles of powder that say SNORT ME.

Unsurprised

God Bless Xmas Ape:

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ArmedandHammered

Excellent!

blaxabbath

I’m not reiterating that NFL players are nothing more than pieces of meat — but I can’t believe Jim Irsay hasn’t already ground down Andrew Luck’s ankle and snorted it through whatever straw he found on the ground in a White Castle parking lot.

ArmedandHammered

Maybe that is why they never protected Luck. Irsay wanted Luck to be filled with drugs and has his body act as a catalyst chamber for some new super drug! The kidney injury was so his body wouldn’t be able to process all the drugs and the medicinal power would settle in the bones, to be slowly chipped away and powdered down. Or I have been reading way too many Chinese webnovels.

blaxabbath

It can be two things!

Unsurprised

I forgot that White Castle has a parking lot (there’s one a block from Lucas Oil Stadium), but even joking … ew. EWW.