Hi everyone,
It’s your old pal Beerguy, filling in for Scotchy tonight. He’d love to be here with you, but he’s having to take care of some relatives that came into town unexpectedly.
So, I’ll dispense with my usual news/notes/nuggets format and instead get right into some quick, pithy analysis of tonight’s contests.
- Colts at Bengals
- The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from
fat peopleColts fans in the stands who drove all the way to Cincinnati to boo him, but still don’t understand how they drove Andrew Luck to quit.
- The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from
- Falcons at Jaguars
- Matty Ice versus Big Dick Nick, for about a quarter. Then it’s an episode of Arthur Blank’s favourite kids show, “Where in The World Is Julio Jones?”
- Vikings at Bills
- A team saddled with a middling QB versus a team that hasn’t had even that since the mid-90s.
- Steelers at Panthers – NFL Network – 7:00PM
- Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
- Big Ben’s leadership skills
- Ryan Shazier’s heart
- Cam Newton’s (latest) injury
- How many games will Luke Kuechly play
- Sartre said “Hell is other people”; Beerguy says Hell is listening to this broadcast
- Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
- Eagles at Jets
- A stadium filled with green & white clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
- Giants at Patriots
- A stadium filled with red, white & blue clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
- Lions at Browns
- A “O-fer” Bowl matchup that portends what the Browns might actually do this year against teams they should beat. The only question is whether they pull Mayfield before he gets hurt.
- Ravens at [Redacteds]
- Earl Thomas is going to get some before he gets sat. THE GHOST OF RAY LEWIS MUST BE SATED!
- Also, this will be the place to test Lamar’s arm to see how far he can throw to open downfield receivers. It will seem like they all get 10-yard head starts.
- Dolphins at Saints
- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…nope.
- I better check to see if this review is acceptable. Scotchy?
- Rams at Texans
- This one should be good, as DeShaun needs to be tested against a quality defence, to judge whether the Texans have a chance to take the division. For the Rams, expect lots of guarded talk about Gurley’s legs.
- Bucs at Cowboys
- Expect lots of talk about contracts, comparisons to Emmitt Smith, and whether this is FINALLY the year for Rapey Jameis to break out.
- Titans at Bears
- Khalil Mack has yet to feed. Marcus Mariota has yet to be hurt. One of those is likely to change.
- Chiefs at Packers
- Aaron will see his first game time this preseason, only to get pulled the second his line shows sign of weakness. Or, about 2.45 into the first quarter. Mahomes, meanwhile, will attempt a 75-yard Hail Mary just to show off what a younger arm can do.
- Andy Reid will miss the game due to a rib
eatinginjury.
- Cardinals at Broncos
- I don’t believe this game will be televised.
- Chargers at 49ers – NFL Network – 10:00PM
- The two most contemptible owners on the West Coast watch their teams get together for a meaningless affair which will only serve to allow Philip Rivers to spread his seed north of Bakerfield.
- Raiders at Seahawks
- A battle between two teams wanting Sebastian Janikowski to wear their hat at his Florida State Ring of Honor induction ceremony.
There are two national broadcasts, but please ring in with whatever regional options have blessed your teevee box. After all – the next Joe Buck has to come from somewhere.
TO THE GAMES!
The western teams appear to be playing something more recognizable as “football”
Downloadable video of that Beastie Boys/Muppets mashup: https://giant.gfycat.com/PrestigiousRepulsiveBug.mp4
Example of the fun commentary I’ve been tortured with:
“How did Nippert Stadium get its name?”
“A football player got spiked on the field. They ran chicken races before the game and some chicken poop got into his wounds. He suffered for a month of infections and died.”
“What a heartwarming story!”
That was hours ago! We’ve gotten plenty of Matt Hasselback Chess Club pictures since then.
Also, how can you not tell the story about how Chicken Shit U got it’s name?
But…but…he had hair!
Ucla has no intention to win this. Congrats, Redshirt. This isn’t the Bungles, so I think you’re safe.
As long as they have the name Cincinnati, no lead is safe.
Browns game, showed a clip from halftime where a special disability league allows children with retardation play tackle football.
I guess their brains can’t get MORE fucked up.
Roger Goodell strokes his chin thoughtfully.
He fucking would.
Who’s ready for some Mormon and Mormon violence!
Winner take all (the wives)
I’m enjoying the (checks Wikipedia) children’s fable bear on small bear-weasel fight.
I’ll be happy when this is over. This state has gone to plaid over this game.
Folks
Woof
Jets’ practice squad vs. Eagles’ training staff is probably the worst game of football ever forced upon the general public.
I’ve been a Bengals fan since ‘92, so you’ll excuse my skepticism.
UC-UCLA commentators suck
Texas St. is both the alma mater for Alexis Texas and the inspiration for her name. Truly takes a Texas St. caliber mind to come up with that one.
We may laugh at Preseason Game 4, but for some of these players, this is their first and only chance of being in the NFL. Nothing wrong with that.
I had a job interview in Salem this afternoon. First of the four slots, and I got there early and had at least 20 minutes to really ruminate over the questions they were going to ask. Also, the 30-minute interview went 45 minutes. I was clever and smart and even a little funny. I feel really good about the job and I would love to do it, and so now I have to sit on my ass for a week waiting for a decision.
I feel like I was James Cameron raising the bar.
The picture in Hurricane Dorian’s attic is that of a slight breeze rustling some leaves.
When Texas A&M’s Quartney Davis goes overseas they call him 0.5Liter Davis
Now that everyone’s talking about football again, what am I supposed to do?
masturbate furiously?
Nah
Brick’s cat would have some ideas!
I’d rather choke someone else out.
masturbate morosely?
Hmm.
That’s your Stand By Response to everything!
Art.
https://twitter.com/AmberBaldet/status/1167239609467715585
Oh that’s glorious.
54 seconds of magic is what that is.
Downloadable version: https://giant.gfycat.com/PrestigiousRepulsiveBug.mp4
Weird take…
I kind of like week four preseason. Its like watching a high school football game. Really sloppy. I don’t really worry if someone gets hurt because they aren’t on the regular squad anyway.
Its like what I image the NFL will be in about 10 years when no one from the US is dumb enough to play this sport so its just filled with desperate Eastern Europeans like boxing.
What a fucking day…I have been finishing new hire training. We got like 4 different PLC’s controlling 9 different drives. A crazy rube goldberg machine.
Some random asshole in the office tried to start shit because I haven’t done the training like I was “supposed” to. This guy is not allowed in the field. He is pissed I never explained how to do tag outs and arch flash analysis…we aren’t legally allowed to do these things on an industrial site and for some reason, the guy just doesn’t believe me or some shit.. This is basically a dude from the balcony, arguing he knows better than the actors on stage how to perform. I hate this guy. Like three weeks ago, he says to me “I told you to cover arc flash”
“You don’t tell me to do anything. That is not your job”
Since then, the guy has been a prick. Keep in mind, this kid is 9 years younger than me, been with the company less than me, and again…has never been in the field before. This is on par with taking shit from HR. I generally just ignore shitheads.
At one point, he brought in my manager. My manager is from East Germany. He used to be a missile officer. He has…less than office friendly personality.
I learned new German swear words when this asshole brought him into the room and lied to his face about the job I was doing. This is how my boss checked if the kids were learning. He walked to the back of the room while they were working. No one had youtube or reddit on their computer screens. He started peppering the kids with questions on what they were doing. He turns to the asshole “Why are you wasting time? Go away”
The asshole starts to chatter some bullshit. My boss Uwe proceeds to lift him up by his arm pits and carry him out of the room. Uwe is a big guy and this other individual is a short little ginger.
The last few hours, since about 4 pm, I and the new hires, have been getting drunk on Uwe’s dime to show his appreciation on their performance in their final project.
Its really weird, these kids have been referring to me as Mr JSD…which I am not used to. They pooled some money together and purchased me a nice little gift as a thanks for the training over the last 6 weeks. Really great kids. When did college kids stop being little shits? (could be the majority of them are refugees from overseas)
Glad to see your job didn’t land you in the asylum. Good to have you back.
Or maybe it did, and we ARE the asylum.
My rubber room has a great view.
Kinda sticky though
JSD makes it damn hard to complain about anything at my job.
Damn good to see you’re still setting assholes straight.
One of the few things I actually miss about production work is occasionally seeing dipshits eat shit in front of everybody for knowing so much less than they’ve convinced themselves they do.
“Make up your mind-was it a good day or a bad day?”
-Ice Cube
For the Eagles, it’s an extremely thin ACL between Super Bowl contenders and sub-Lions.
no offecne but women tennis players throw the ball way too damn high on their serves.
The Camma di Apertura is the worst sex manual ever.
Non-Gendered Cowpersons have a pretty strong practice squad defense!
So did the Vikings and Bears have some weird side action as to which could field the worse kicker and torment their fanbase the most, or ?
Rather than watch the garbage football, I’ve decided instead to ponder the ridiculous cast from Red Alert 3.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_BbPdVfG_A
hey, as long as you’re looking at garbage. This is a TEAM-BUILDING exercise tonight.
If you squint just right you can convince yourself that it’s Karen Gillan.
JK Simmons has a fucking wikipedia page devoted entirely to awards he’s won. This shit exists in the Sharknado universe
Demaryius is just killing the Giants third-string corners.
Oh hi guys….I did not hit…I did not…
Dave Wannstedt is almost painful to listen to.
‘Dacteds have Joe Theeesman, can remove that “almost” there
ok, we just had a Bearistocrats clip on RedZone, he IS Theeeesman-bad
30 seconds until Molly McGrath!!
I hope she squeezes Chip Kelly’s tits.
The new streaming service that handles the NFL in Canada keeps crapping out, of course.
I know you won’t let me down, good old TV. [turns tv on] Lions/Browns? [shakes fist at sky]
Haskins has some funky-ass mechanics
That’s the [*Redacted] s medical staff, show some respect!
I had no idea that starters barely play in the preseason any more and I’d be pissed if I were a season ticket holder forced to buy tickets to those two games.
my favourite part is how teams ain’t even using their real kickers
Not a problem for Nagy
What an opener, the coach with “T.E.A.M.” on his back isn’t even the biggest douche on the sidelines.
Horatio has to be SO ALL HYPE by that 10-0 UConn lead over mighty Wagner.
He’s been dead for over 140 years but I can see Wagner beating UConn after all is said and done.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nS66IvbvcI
Alonzo Russell with the Giants TD. Gonna be really hard to cut him.
Love his hair clippers though.
He is the most uncanny valley looking motherfucker on the right and it’s full of real-life Venture Bros. villains.
So many layers it crashes photoshop at least once.
In #stupidlucky news, I blew by a cruiser doing 140 kph. (I was passing a line of six vehicles) The guy that pulled me over gave me a $65 fine for not having a copy of my insurance in the truck. Later, (4:30pm) I was about to pay for public parking when a young fella shouts at me, ‘hey, you want my ticket? It’s good until 6.” I said ‘sure’. Turns out the ticket was good until 6am, not pm. Wow.
as a white guy in a truck, I am pretty sure ur civil rites were violated ,, smgdh
Swag Kelly just got a rushing TD
There is REDZONE CHANNEL 2-nite!!
fuck you, YOU have a problem
Wait . . . is every team playing tonight? WTF?
is meant to equalize “cutdown day” machinations
It happens every Thursday at the end of the exhibition season.
A guy named Luke Fickell going RB by committee is about as surprising as… well something not that surprising, that’s what.
It’s easy for him to pull it off, but in every starting lineup photo of Adrian Peterson, he looks like a complete madman.
Edelman and Gordon are both playing tonight. Please, if there is a god, let New England go full Icarus.
Clayton Thorson is 3/5 for 0 yards. Alex Smith sheds a single tear.
The Bengalis O-line are going to make Mixon look like day-old bread.
He’s going to get so beat up it’ll look like he’s in a relationship with Joe Mixon.
Kickers in Chicago Bears form already
Goddamn the Jets look like the most styling D-II team.
UCLA fumbles inside the 10. Yep, that’s our Bruins!
(still cautiously optimistic, he said cautiously)
Is this Patrick McAfee on the UCLA-Cin game?
The computer virus guy? Nah, he got arrested.
(Yes, it is. Also the better Hasselbeck.)
That’s Elizabeth, right? (Or whatever her name is)
Extremely watered down methadone Red Zone tonight!
Uhh you forgot the Morgan State @ Bowling Green tilt
We’re not talking soccer in here right now.