Your Thursday Evening, “Wait – Who’s That Guy?!” Final Preseason Games Open Thread

Hi everyone,

It’s your old pal Beerguy, filling in for Scotchy tonight. He’d love to be here with you, but he’s having to take care of some relatives that came into town unexpectedly.

So, I’ll dispense with my usual news/notes/nuggets format and instead get right into some quick, pithy analysis of tonight’s contests.

  • Colts at Bengals
    • The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from fat people Colts fans in the stands who drove all the way to Cincinnati to boo him, but still don’t understand how they drove Andrew Luck to quit.
  • Falcons at Jaguars
    • Matty Ice versus Big Dick Nick, for about a quarter. Then it’s an episode of Arthur Blank’s favourite kids show, “Where in The World Is Julio Jones?”
“We’re just training partners.”
  • Vikings at Bills
    • A team saddled with a middling QB versus a team that hasn’t had even that since the mid-90s.
Jim Kelly looks great.
  • Steelers at Panthers – NFL Network – 7:00PM
    • Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
      • Big Ben’s leadership skills
      • Ryan Shazier’s heart
      • Cam Newton’s (latest) injury
      • How many games will Luke Kuechly play
    • Sartre said “Hell is other people”; Beerguy says Hell is listening to this broadcast
  • Eagles at Jets
    • A stadium filled with green & white clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
  • Giants at Patriots
    • A stadium filled with red, white & blue clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.
  • Lions at Browns
    • A “O-fer” Bowl matchup that portends what the Browns might actually do this year against teams they should beat. The only question is whether they pull Mayfield before he gets hurt.
  • Ravens at [Redacteds]
    • Earl Thomas is going to get some before he gets sat. THE GHOST OF RAY LEWIS MUST BE SATED!
    • Also, this will be the place to test Lamar’s arm to see how far he can throw to open downfield receivers. It will seem like they all get 10-yard head starts.
  • Dolphins at Saints
    • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…nope.
    • I better check to see if this review is acceptable. Scotchy?

  • Rams at Texans
    • This one should be good, as DeShaun needs to be tested against a quality defence, to judge whether the Texans have a chance to take the division. For the Rams, expect lots of guarded talk about Gurley’s legs.
  • Bucs at Cowboys
    • Expect lots of talk about contracts, comparisons to Emmitt Smith, and whether this is FINALLY the year for Rapey Jameis to break out.
He’s never looked faster!
  • Titans at Bears
    • Khalil Mack has yet to feed. Marcus Mariota has yet to be hurt. One of those is likely to change.
  • Chiefs at Packers
    • Aaron will see his first game time this preseason, only to get pulled the second his line shows sign of weakness. Or, about 2.45 into the first quarter. Mahomes, meanwhile, will attempt a 75-yard Hail Mary just to show off what a younger arm can do.
    • Andy Reid will miss the game due to a rib eating injury.
  • Cardinals at Broncos
    • I don’t believe this game will be televised.
In Sun Valley, this is half the channels after 7:00.
  • Chargers at 49ers – NFL Network – 10:00PM
    • The two most contemptible owners on the West Coast watch their teams get together for a meaningless affair which will only serve to allow Philip Rivers to spread his seed north of Bakerfield.
  • Raiders at Seahawks
    • A battle between two teams wanting Sebastian Janikowski to wear their hat at his Florida State Ring of Honor induction ceremony.

There are two national broadcasts, but please ring in with whatever regional options have blessed your teevee box. After all – the next Joe Buck has to come from somewhere.

TO THE GAMES!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Subscribe
Notify of
163 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Gratliff

The western teams appear to be playing something more recognizable as “football”

Unsurprised

Downloadable video of that Beastie Boys/Muppets mashup: https://giant.gfycat.com/PrestigiousRepulsiveBug.mp4

Unsurprised

comment image

Redshirt

Example of the fun commentary I’ve been tortured with:

“How did Nippert Stadium get its name?”
“A football player got spiked on the field. They ran chicken races before the game and some chicken poop got into his wounds. He suffered for a month of infections and died.”
“What a heartwarming story!”

herodotus450

That was hours ago! We’ve gotten plenty of Matt Hasselback Chess Club pictures since then.

herodotus450

Also, how can you not tell the story about how Chicken Shit U got it’s name?

Redshirt

But…but…he had hair!

WCS

Ucla has no intention to win this. Congrats, Redshirt. This isn’t the Bungles, so I think you’re safe.

Redshirt

As long as they have the name Cincinnati, no lead is safe.

JustStopDude

Browns game, showed a clip from halftime where a special disability league allows children with retardation play tackle football.

I guess their brains can’t get MORE fucked up.

Dunstan

Roger Goodell strokes his chin thoughtfully.

Unsurprised

He fucking would.

Spur

Who’s ready for some Mormon and Mormon violence!

herodotus450

Winner take all (the wives)

Redshirt

I’m enjoying the (checks Wikipedia) children’s fable bear on small bear-weasel fight.

Col. Duke LaCross

I’ll be happy when this is over. This state has gone to plaid over this game.

Spur

Folks

rockingdog

Woof

Gratliff

Jets’ practice squad vs. Eagles’ training staff is probably the worst game of football ever forced upon the general public.

Redshirt

I’ve been a Bengals fan since ‘92, so you’ll excuse my skepticism.

Redshirt

UC-UCLA commentators suck

herodotus450

Texas St. is both the alma mater for Alexis Texas and the inspiration for her name. Truly takes a Texas St. caliber mind to come up with that one.

Redshirt

We may laugh at Preseason Game 4, but for some of these players, this is their first and only chance of being in the NFL. Nothing wrong with that.

Unsurprised

I had a job interview in Salem this afternoon. First of the four slots, and I got there early and had at least 20 minutes to really ruminate over the questions they were going to ask. Also, the 30-minute interview went 45 minutes. I was clever and smart and even a little funny. I feel really good about the job and I would love to do it, and so now I have to sit on my ass for a week waiting for a decision.

Unsurprised

I feel like I was James Cameron raising the bar.

scotchnaut

The picture in Hurricane Dorian’s attic is that of a slight breeze rustling some leaves.

herodotus450

When Texas A&M’s Quartney Davis goes overseas they call him 0.5Liter Davis

Unsurprised

Now that everyone’s talking about football again, what am I supposed to do?

King Hippo

masturbate furiously?

Unsurprised

Nah

King Hippo

Brick’s cat would have some ideas!

Brick Meathook

comment image

Unsurprised

I’d rather choke someone else out.

LemonJello

masturbate morosely?

Unsurprised

Hmm.

Redshirt

That’s your Stand By Response to everything!

Mr. Ayo

Oh that’s glorious.

scotchnaut

54 seconds of magic is what that is.

WCS

comment image

Unsurprised
JustStopDude

Weird take…

I kind of like week four preseason. Its like watching a high school football game. Really sloppy. I don’t really worry if someone gets hurt because they aren’t on the regular squad anyway.

Its like what I image the NFL will be in about 10 years when no one from the US is dumb enough to play this sport so its just filled with desperate Eastern Europeans like boxing.

JustStopDude

What a fucking day…I have been finishing new hire training. We got like 4 different PLC’s controlling 9 different drives. A crazy rube goldberg machine.

Some random asshole in the office tried to start shit because I haven’t done the training like I was “supposed” to. This guy is not allowed in the field. He is pissed I never explained how to do tag outs and arch flash analysis…we aren’t legally allowed to do these things on an industrial site and for some reason, the guy just doesn’t believe me or some shit.. This is basically a dude from the balcony, arguing he knows better than the actors on stage how to perform. I hate this guy. Like three weeks ago, he says to me “I told you to cover arc flash”

“You don’t tell me to do anything. That is not your job”

Since then, the guy has been a prick. Keep in mind, this kid is 9 years younger than me, been with the company less than me, and again…has never been in the field before. This is on par with taking shit from HR. I generally just ignore shitheads.

At one point, he brought in my manager. My manager is from East Germany. He used to be a missile officer. He has…less than office friendly personality.

I learned new German swear words when this asshole brought him into the room and lied to his face about the job I was doing. This is how my boss checked if the kids were learning. He walked to the back of the room while they were working. No one had youtube or reddit on their computer screens. He started peppering the kids with questions on what they were doing. He turns to the asshole “Why are you wasting time? Go away”

The asshole starts to chatter some bullshit. My boss Uwe proceeds to lift him up by his arm pits and carry him out of the room. Uwe is a big guy and this other individual is a short little ginger.

The last few hours, since about 4 pm, I and the new hires, have been getting drunk on Uwe’s dime to show his appreciation on their performance in their final project.

Its really weird, these kids have been referring to me as Mr JSD…which I am not used to. They pooled some money together and purchased me a nice little gift as a thanks for the training over the last 6 weeks. Really great kids. When did college kids stop being little shits? (could be the majority of them are refugees from overseas)

WCS

Glad to see your job didn’t land you in the asylum. Good to have you back.

herodotus450

Or maybe it did, and we ARE the asylum.

scotchnaut

My rubber room has a great view.

herodotus450

Kinda sticky though

LemonJello

JSD makes it damn hard to complain about anything at my job.

Damn good to see you’re still setting assholes straight.
comment image

Gratliff

One of the few things I actually miss about production work is occasionally seeing dipshits eat shit in front of everybody for knowing so much less than they’ve convinced themselves they do.

scotchnaut

“Make up your mind-was it a good day or a bad day?”

-Ice Cube

Gratliff

For the Eagles, it’s an extremely thin ACL between Super Bowl contenders and sub-Lions.

herodotus450

no offecne but women tennis players throw the ball way too damn high on their serves.

Brick Meathook

comment image

scotchnaut

The Camma di Apertura is the worst sex manual ever.

King Hippo

Non-Gendered Cowpersons have a pretty strong practice squad defense!

Gratliff

So did the Vikings and Bears have some weird side action as to which could field the worse kicker and torment their fanbase the most, or ?

Gratliff

Rather than watch the garbage football, I’ve decided instead to ponder the ridiculous cast from Red Alert 3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_BbPdVfG_A

King Hippo

hey, as long as you’re looking at garbage. This is a TEAM-BUILDING exercise tonight.

Gratliff

comment image

herodotus450

If you squint just right you can convince yourself that it’s Karen Gillan.

LemonJello

comment image

Gratliff

JK Simmons has a fucking wikipedia page devoted entirely to awards he’s won. This shit exists in the Sharknado universe

scotchnaut

Demaryius is just killing the Giants third-string corners.

JustStopDude

Oh hi guys….I did not hit…I did not…

...

Dave Wannstedt is almost painful to listen to.

King Hippo

‘Dacteds have Joe Theeesman, can remove that “almost” there

King Hippo

ok, we just had a Bearistocrats clip on RedZone, he IS Theeeesman-bad

King Hippo

30 seconds until Molly McGrath!!

King Hippo

I hope she squeezes Chip Kelly’s tits.

scotchnaut

The new streaming service that handles the NFL in Canada keeps crapping out, of course.

scotchnaut

I know you won’t let me down, good old TV. [turns tv on] Lions/Browns? [shakes fist at sky]

King Hippo

Haskins has some funky-ass mechanics

LemonJello

That’s the [*Redacted] s medical staff, show some respect!

...

I had no idea that starters barely play in the preseason any more and I’d be pissed if I were a season ticket holder forced to buy tickets to those two games.

King Hippo

my favourite part is how teams ain’t even using their real kickers

...

Not a problem for Nagy

King Hippo

What an opener, the coach with “T.E.A.M.” on his back isn’t even the biggest douche on the sidelines.

King Hippo

Horatio has to be SO ALL HYPE by that 10-0 UConn lead over mighty Wagner.

scotchnaut

He’s been dead for over 140 years but I can see Wagner beating UConn after all is said and done.

King Hippo
scotchnaut

Alonzo Russell with the Giants TD. Gonna be really hard to cut him.

Gratliff

Jacob Wohl’s latest grift? Pretending to travel the world but forgetting to pose in front of a different fence. pic.twitter.com/0ZPMGNrE4s

— nikki mccann ramírez (@NikkiMcR) August 29, 2019

Spoiler
comment imagecomment image

herodotus450

Love his hair clippers though.

...

He is the most uncanny valley looking motherfucker on the right and it’s full of real-life Venture Bros. villains.

Unsurprised

So many layers it crashes photoshop at least once.

scotchnaut

In #stupidlucky news, I blew by a cruiser doing 140 kph. (I was passing a line of six vehicles) The guy that pulled me over gave me a $65 fine for not having a copy of my insurance in the truck. Later, (4:30pm) I was about to pay for public parking when a young fella shouts at me, ‘hey, you want my ticket? It’s good until 6.” I said ‘sure’. Turns out the ticket was good until 6am, not pm. Wow.

King Hippo

as a white guy in a truck, I am pretty sure ur civil rites were violated ,, smgdh

King Hippo

Swag Kelly just got a rushing TD

King Hippo

There is REDZONE CHANNEL 2-nite!!

fuck you, YOU have a problem

Brick Meathook

Wait . . . is every team playing tonight? WTF?

King Hippo

is meant to equalize “cutdown day” machinations

scotchnaut

It happens every Thursday at the end of the exhibition season.

herodotus450

A guy named Luke Fickell going RB by committee is about as surprising as… well something not that surprising, that’s what.

Col. Duke LaCross

It’s easy for him to pull it off, but in every starting lineup photo of Adrian Peterson, he looks like a complete madman.

Col. Duke LaCross

Edelman and Gordon are both playing tonight. Please, if there is a god, let New England go full Icarus.

Gratliff

Clayton Thorson is 3/5 for 0 yards. Alex Smith sheds a single tear.

scotchnaut

The Bengalis O-line are going to make Mixon look like day-old bread.

herodotus450

He’s going to get so beat up it’ll look like he’s in a relationship with Joe Mixon.

Gratliff

Kickers in Chicago Bears form already

Gratliff

Goddamn the Jets look like the most styling D-II team.

SonOfSpam

UCLA fumbles inside the 10. Yep, that’s our Bruins!

(still cautiously optimistic, he said cautiously)

herodotus450

Is this Patrick McAfee on the UCLA-Cin game?

SonOfSpam

The computer virus guy? Nah, he got arrested.

(Yes, it is. Also the better Hasselbeck.)

herodotus450

That’s Elizabeth, right? (Or whatever her name is)

Gratliff

Extremely watered down methadone Red Zone tonight!

herodotus450

Uhh you forgot the Morgan State @ Bowling Green tilt

LemonJello

We’re not talking soccer in here right now.