Welcome back! Last night we had the Prototypical Thursday Night Football game. The one. The only. It could only be the Jacksonville Jaguars vs the Tennessee Titans. The game no one wants to watch on Thursday Night.

For those of you that stayed up with us and participated in the Live Blog, you witnessed Joe Buck telling us that Tom Brady tweeted to the world that he turned the game off because he got annoyed at all the penalties. I never thought I’d see the day that I held a positive opinion of Tom Brady.

We are indeed on the Darkest Timeline.

As for the game, the Jags got out to a 14-0 lead at the Half only for the Titans to drive almost the entire field on the first possession… and give the ball back to the Jags by going for it on 4th and 6 in the red zone. That was a weird call that I’m sure drove Don T to buttchug some Don Q Reposado.

Remember kids, if you’re gonna buttchug, you’ve gotta make it smooth rum. Your ass will thank you.

Anyway, in the second half, the Titans got a TD, the Jags 2 FGs, and that was that. At least I was able to go to sleep at a decent time. Which is more than Marcus Mariota can say as he was sacked NINE times and shouldn’t have been on the field on that last hard drive to nowhere (CALLBACK!).

9 sacks. Unless we’re talking about a teabagging contest, that ain’t good.

BFC

Here are your highlights:

As noted previously, during the game attentions tend to wander and we get into some interesting topics. Namely, Pornhub search terms. So, in the interest of educating the DFO audience and the public at large, here is your weekly Pornhub search term results report.

Search Term: “aerial teabagging”

Requestor: Game Time Decision

Results: 165

Report: I know. I’m shocked too. Every other search has returned over a thousand results. Is it the “aerial” or the “teabagging” that threw off the powerful Pornhub search engine?

Turns out that Peyton Manning uses X-videos instead of Pornhub. However, I did find quite a few videos featuring the word “aerial” and those were clearly superior. I specially recommend “Aerial Twerkage“, in which a thin blonde does amazing things naked while on a pullup bar…

Score: The relatively small number of results was shocking and disappointing. I would score this higher if there were more aerial videos. In fact, I would recommend searching only for “aerial”.

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Search Term: “bun length”

Requestor: Unsurprised

Results: 888

Report: Did you know 8 is a lucky number in Chinese culture? Clearly, this was a lucky search for me. First off, the “buns” part returned a bunch of videos featuring girls’ booties, so big hit there. You should definitely check out the “Juicy Buns In The Frame” series. Second, the “length” part returned mostly “full-length” videos, which means longer movies instead of short clips!

Score: This has been my favourite search term since I started these posts. I highly recommend it.

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Search Term: “vestigal tail”

Requestor: ArmedAndHammered

Results: 1623

Report: Holy shit! I had no idea so many people were into having sex while wearing butt plugs that had a tail attached! This is apparently a big thing on the ole Pornhub. You know what? I kinda like it! I may need to ask the Lady Friend to see if she wants one…

Score: It’s always nice when you discover something new. Unfortunately, there were no results having to do with “vestigal”, so it loses points but it gains some back for the many “pigtail” results.

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Search Term: “Tits Jags”

Requestor: Brick Meathook

Results: 1250

Report: I think this search term literally broke the Pornhub search engine. It was essentially the listing of videos you get when you first get to the home page. It’s like Pornhub said, “Fuck you, I’m not searching for that shit! Here’s our latest shit instead. ” The lonely exception was one video where a guy got “jagged off” and I think we need to use that term during every Jacksonville game this season.

Score: This search term sucked as much as last night’s game.

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Finally, we had:

Search Term: “snatch route”

Requestor: LemonJello

Results: 1288

Report: So, there’s apparently something called “soul snatching”?? I guess it’s a term used to describe something that’s really good? The results with that phrase featured many blowjobs, so that’s my conclusion. Also, it’s very difficult to find the word “snatch” without seeing the word “hairy” in front of it.

On the other hand, “route” provided several videos featuring activities performed on the road. That was on the side of the road, on the road inside a car, and even at a roadside motel. Willie Nelson is proud.

Score: If you are old like me and remember when women had pubic hair and actually prefer that, this is your search term!

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That’s been your Thursday Night Football Review! Make sure to write in the comments any search terms you want me to look up and report on next week. See you next Friday!

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