Your “On To Victory! (*Not Applicable To Jets or Fins)” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Why don’t teams have V-L-T (or draw) records? How did the short and curt ‘win’ win out? Is it because ‘victory’ is a bit melodramatic? Perhaps. I’d suggest a new word and that is ‘wictory’. It’s new and exciting and just rolls off Elmer Fudd’s tongue. TO THE GAMES!

Ravens/Chiefs:

All corneas should be on this one. There was lots of chatter about Arizony picking up the pace with Kingsbury showing up but the team that is the Hurry Up king so far is Baltimore at an average of 72.5 offensive plays per game. PFF’s highest ranked O player is… tight end Mark Andrews? They’ve remarked that he only plays 55% of the teams snaps and that is a travesty. But perhaps his grade is so high because of his limited participation?

Bengals/Bills:

Well, he’s gone and done it. Thanks to Singletary’s injury Frank Gore is the very first solid RB2 at the age of 36. Why? Because the Bengals are the worst tackling team in the league and Mr. Gore loves to break himself tackles. He’s got to go for at least 80 and a score.

Miami/Dallas:

The Fins are leading the league in fewest points scored, most sacks allowed, most INT’s allowed and most points scored against by opposing D’s. Call a family member rather than watch this Atrocity Exhibition.

Broncs/Pack:

Fantasy owners of Aaron Jones were the opposite of delighted at the news that coach LaFleur wants to up the number of touches that Jamaal Williams gets, creating a potential RBBC. Kudos go out to wr Sanders for his phenomenal recovery.

Falcons/Colts:

We were told that Brissett was a very conservative tosser of the football and this has been proven the first two weeks. No one aside from T.Y. has more than 40 yds. receiving so far. That’s a recipe for a losing record. Am I right, yeah right?

Raiders/Vikes:

Minny’s running game is all roses and pink unicorns but the same certainly can’t be said about Cousins and the passing game. Of the 42 players that have tossed at least one pass so far he ranks dead last. His QBR is a nasty 16.6-for comparison’s sake Mahomes is at 92.9. Sure he’ll get better but he won’t ever be good enough to take the Vikes to a conference championship game.

Jets/Pats:

The spread is 22.5. The Pats D hasn’t given up a TD yet. The Jets are playing their 3rd string qb. Is this what you want NFL? Really? Probably.

Lions/Eagles:

The Eagles secondary as a unit has handed opposing qb’s a 127 qb rating. They’ve just one INT and given up 5 TDs. Start Chubby Bubblegum. Now. By the by, you may want to pick up J.J. Arcega-Whiteside while he’s still cheap.

Did I miss anything? I hope not. There’s also some soccer going on. DAZN tells me that Sassuola/SPAL, Brom/Hudder, HAM/MAN, Lecce/Napoli, Palace/Wolves, Chelsea/Liver and Arse/Aston among many others are on offer this morning.

Have at it.

 

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Gratliff

Congratulations to Zack Ertz owners. The second half will be exclusively passes to Zack and hand-offs to Howard.

entropy

37 seconds in the half… this is when Falk shines! Under pressure!

(Oh god this is awful)

King Hippo

Fuck Liouns doing a good, and the shitasses STILL can’t get Hippo GolladayPOINTS

Doktor Zymm

Fun fact, in Central Florida there’s a type of Cowboy from the Spanish tradition that rejoices in the moniker ‘Cracker’

entropy

If you know you won’t win, Jets, at least put Brady in the dirt a few times. Take the yardage, enjoy the hit

Doktor Zymm

Right? Get the crowd behind ya!

Gatoraids

Yeah dolphins didn’t even do it when Brady was still in up by 40 with 4 to go in the 4th

Redshirt

You honestly think they can get close enough to Brady to even commit a Roughing the Passer?

entropy

I DO NOT CARE. That’s what “take the yardage” means. Fuck that smug prick up. Hit him so hard Tawmmy bleeds when he pees. Put him down so badly Belichick displays emotion. Whatever it takes.

Gratliff

Nelson Agholor is trash when he has even the smallest amount of pressure on him to perform well, and one of the top possession receivers in the league when his existence doesn’t matter at all to the team’s success

King Hippo

NEVAR believe in the Non-Gendered Cowpersons. UGH.

Doktor Zymm

This is good general life advice

Spur

I told you to stay away from this shit show.

Gratliff

What the absolute fuck is happening in Philadelphia

King Hippo

holy cats, the slo-mo decapitation attempt

Doktor Zymm

No flags but that best be a giant fine

Doktor Zymm

I don’t think it’s too early to call the Ravens game

Spur

Mahomes is too good for Andy Reid to waste.

King Hippo

Hold my beer (can chicken)!

Dunstan

Andy just threw a challenge flag at your post.

ArmedandHammered

“Andy doesn’t waste anything, you should see how clean those plates come back” – Golden Corrals in all NFL cities

Redshirt

The Reds are playing their last game with throwback uniforms and they wasn’t really a bad one in the bunch.

The Bengals however continue to be an assault on good taste.

Doktor Zymm

Just so we’re all on the same page, this is a colt. Colts are adorable and I have no idea why Indianapolis thinks they are intimidating enough to name their team after.comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

maybe they were thinking of a different type of Colt, this being America and all.
comment image
comment image

Doktor Zymm

I would suspect the same if it weren’t for giveaway horseshoe logo

Gratliff

Lions can opener sanders helmet on a kickoff return and zero flags. The booing has commenced.

Spur

tighten that chin strap. come on he’s no Brees.

Gratliff

comment image

Gratliff

If it didn’t come off, he’d have probably broken his goddamn neck

Doktor Zymm

Agreed, that was vicious. His helmet liner even flew out

Redshirt

Is Murder a personal foul or only if its helmet to helmet?

entropy

Let’s have more of that Falk magic!

Spur

had to take the dog out. What happened to Rosen?

herodotus450

I think he requested a trade mid-series.

King Hippo

found the tuna net

/head owie

Viva La Tabula Raza

My nephew saw Patrick Chung at the Target in Plainville (next town south from Foxboro) yesterday and said he looked totally baked. I guess it’s no big deal since they’ve legalized the weed in Mass. I told him he should have asked Chung for some cocaine.

Doktor Zymm

Was he buying sour candies and red hot cheetos?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Just texted your inquiry to nephew.

Answer: Keurig coffee pods.

Redshirt

Dalton fianlly gets a completion. Receiver fumbles the ball away.

herodotus450

Mica is pretty hard, (to) remember.

Gratliff

Philly’s down to third string O-line. Think about your future, Carson. Fake an injury!

Redshirt

Andy Dalton would sell his soul for a 3rd-string O-line if he could.

Redshirt

Buffalo rolls an 11. Well, craps.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Why does Kellen Moore take his kids to the bar?

Viva La Tabula Raza

NE win probability drops from 99.1 to 98.9. What the hell.

entropy

Gase saw that, sent it to Jets HQ and said, “NOW WE HAVE THEM!”

is immediately granted a two year extension.

Doktor Zymm

Buffala is being quite entertaining today

Spur

They’re still drunk from last night. No hangover yet.

Col. Duke LaCross

Would’ve broken it, but got tripped up by the rubber dong.

ArmedandHammered

Many teams are interested till they learn he has to be blown at least twice a week to work, Cowboys win bidding battle. “Only twice a week?! Damn you work cheap.” – J Jones.

Bortleback

Having watched a lot of rugby world cup this morning I’m unsure how much NFL I’ll be able to stay awake for. Should have had a nap.

Redshirt

BeachballMania is running wild in Buffalo!!!!!

entropy

I want Gase, the OC, and the DC all thrown in jail for blatant misrepresentation of ability, falsifying qualifications on a resume, and just generally pissing me off

Sharkbait

Patrick Mahomes needs to do more Patrick Mahomes things.

Dunstan

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED — Miami

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know what the NFL REALLY needed? Challenges for offensive pass interference to stop the game.

Horatio Cornblower

It really ties the whole thing together, doesn’t it?

entropy

Nothing says “we’ve lost all confidence in our offense” like running in 3rd and 21.

Gratliff

Nelson Agholor returned to pre-Superb Owl form the moment there was no better option on the field

Spur

DAK IT!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Dakerception!

Horatio Cornblower

I continue to not understand a goddamn thing about rugby.

Doktor Zymm

The teams are fond of posing in states of undress for calendars, even the ladies!comment image?display=1&htype=100000&type=responsive-gallery

Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s a little frightening.

herodotus450

Rugby team or pornhub .de top stars

Bortleback

They could do both, equality and all that.

entropy

I was once offered a spot on a local team merely for walking into a bar in Galway and being larger than every single player on the team.

yeah right

I made it the whole walk and didn’t fall once!
This could be a glorious day!

entropy

My bar bill will be triple digits plus whatever bail for an assault charge in Missouri is

Horatio Cornblower

What part of Missouri?

Because I had a friend who lived in Columbia and based on the bars we were in I wouldn’t think assault would be more than a ticket.

Doktor Zymm

I think it’s legal if you plant some Cubs pamphrenalia on them

Redshirt

Stop me if you’ve heard this one, but the Bengals got flagged for a stupid ass penalty.

Dunstan

That’s my Rai… oh, wait.

Dunstan

Ravens did, too

herodotus450

Refs should have a limited number of flags they can throw in one game, just like coaches are limited with challenges.

entropy

The Pats are not going to win by 23. They will win by 230.

Doktor Zymm

Both of the players currently playing on my bench have individually outscored the total of the 2 players currently playing in my lineup

entropy

If the defensive coordinator isn’t told he’s staying behind, he should be thrown from the plane on the flight home.

Spur

Dallas Pass rush is lacking.

Spur

Rosen looks good and potty trained. He’s available for the right price.

entropy

Falk makes a worse backup that Brooks Fucking Bollinger did, and he looked like a middle schooler out there.

Fronkenshteen

GIVE IT TO FOUNDING FATHERS ZIMMER