As a longtime supporter of the Vancouver Canucks, there’s a reason I chose at a young age to also root for the Bruins – I needed something to do during the playoffs.

Plus, it’s not like the league actually enjoys having teams in Western Canada. Look at this map:

If Gary Bettman could find a way to relocate the three Canadian teams to, say, Houston, Kansas City and Atlanta (again!), he would finally be able to achieve James K. Polk’s goal of smashing Canadian autonomy in the Pacific.

Anyway, enough (for now) talk of the devil. On to the previews!

Chicago Blackhawks:

The same problem as last year: lots of scoring; no defence. The Bears’ Ryan Pace would have been a better GM, based upon the quality of defence he built. Unlike the Bears, the Hawks actually have an offence, albeit one that’s getting older daily. Plus, Patty Kane doesn’t have many “Get Out Of Jail” cards left he can play the further away from their Cup run they get. Jonathan Toews is despondent about losing his Tim Hortons endorsements to Nathan MacKinnon, and Duncan Keith is beginning to see players that aren’t there – not out of position; actual ghosts. Beyond the high-priced stars, the Hawks are hoping their draft picks & cheap signings pan out in a playoff spot, because on paper the drop-off after the top stars is pretty severe. In net they brought in totally-fine-when-on-his-medication Robin Lehner to back up (& eventually replace) Corey Crawford.

Their head coach, Jeremy Cotillion Colliton, is in the unfortunate position of replacing a legend, which statistically never goes very well. But since he’s not Joel Quenneville, he’ll get no benefit of the doubt from the Bleacher Creatures on Madison.

Colorado Avalanche:

A team that matured earlier than expected, they easily disposed of the Flames last year in the playoffs, showing that Nathan (not Nate) MacKinnon and the young guns are on the verge of being a Conference power for the next half-decade. They lost Tyson Barrie, who was a majority of their defensive scoring, which means that their power play might not add much value this year. Still, what they lost in scoring they make up for in protecting their half of the ice. The true wild card is the addition of Leafs pest Nazem Kadri via trade in the offseason. But that won’t raise any issues until the post-season, when his tendency to get suspended will read its ugly head.

Dallas Stars:

One of those teams that forever looks good on paper but always manages to find a way to shoot themselves in the dick come playoff time. This year should be no different, as the old man they’ve added this year to ‘mentor’ the kids comes in the forms of both Joe Pavelski and Corey Perry. In fact, most of the key forwards on this team are over 30, which wouldn’t be a problem if they had played & aged together as a unit. But trying to squeeze past glory out of an aging star (sorry) is more a desperation move for a team looking to win now before the rebuild happens. Which is a shame, since they have one of the best young defences in the league, and Ben Bishop practically willed the Stars into Game 7 versus the Blues, before it all went into the shitter because he chose the second period to go into reboot mode. If the Stars are out of contention by February, look for them to have a Rangers-esque fire sale at the trade deadline.

Also, their owner loves getting liquored & telling the press what he thinks of his team. That’s always good for a headline or two.

Minnesota Wild:

Nobody likes them.

Nashville Predators:

Somehow, they lost a #1 defenceman in PK Subban (via trade), yet they actually managed to improve because of the offensive help they acquired – specifically Matt Duchene. They’ve got two solid, interchangeable top lines, an adequate defence, and Pekka Rinne in net. This might be the last run at the Cup for this current core of the Preds, but it should be fun to watch. The only downside is that they will meet either St. Louis or Winnipeg in the second round, a prohibitive Conference Finals matchup that won’t occur thanks to Gary Fucking Bettman’s dysfunctional playoff format.

St. Louis Blues:

Let’s check in with Internet Dad

Still happy.

The Blues have the ability to return to the Finals, and only lost Pat Maroon in the offseason. They just need Jordan Binnington to avoid a case of the yips.

Winnipeg Jets:

They have no defence. Everyone on their blue line who could fucked off out of town after last season,

and the guys who stayed behind are counting the days until they can leave too. That’s why Winnipeg does so well until March: all the players are working hard up to the trade deadline, in hope of getting the hell out; those who remain after the deadline don’t care & it’s reflected in their end-of-season record, and their limp into & quickly out of the playoffs. Up front, Patrick Laine doesn’t seem to play as much Fortnite as last year, so that will improve his numbers, and the Jets effectively have three offensive lines, which makes them nigh-unstoppable on the power play. They only need Connor Hellebuyck to be late-80s Grant Fuhr in net, because they won’t care if he lets in four goals per game if they are scoring 5-6 per night.

Anaheim Ducks: (courtesy Funky Brewmaster)

The Anaheim Quackers will be an interesting team to watch this year…. they get rid of perennial 30+ goal scorer Corey Perry and his ungodly bad contract. They have arguably the best goalie in all of hockey in John Gibson (aka The Chosen One. Not the real Chosen One since he is an American. Frowned upon among those weird Canadians)

This is a very, very young team. It is going to be lead by the health of the captain, Ryan Getzlaf. Can he play 75 games this year? That is the question. If he can, he is a top 10 Center in hockey. If he can’t, then this will be a very long season. The defense (defence for our Canadian readers) is led by Cam Fowler and Hamphuis Lindholm. These two NEED to have a big year, both offensively and defensively for the Ducks. Without them, they will fail miserably.

Overall, with young talent on the roster, a veteran defensive core, and an all world goalie, this team has potential to slip into the playoffs. A lot has to happen, but hey… anything is possible.

My only comment on the Ducks is that a friend of mine works for the team. He married some local girl and found Jesus – who apparently lives & works in Orange County – and now everything has to relate to his personal journey through life with his Lord & Savior. As an agnostic, it’s stuff like this that makes me shake my head, because the sky pirate didn’t help him get the job; it was only after he got the job & met the girl that Jesus decided to make an appearance. And as a non-American, this fanatical American devotion to evangelical Christianity makes us wonder why your government considers the Muslims crazy.

Arizona Coyotes:

A franchise that has been on the verge of folding or relocating too many times to count, it exists only to provide something for the residents of Glendale to attend on days when the Cardinals aren’t playing next door but they might as well do something besides golf. Gary Bettman refused to let them move on multiple occasions during their financial difficulties, because he just couldn’t bear losing another cog in his “southern strategy”. (A term that means something very different in politics than in sports.) They still carry the stink of Winnipeg V.1 on them but without the jersey or nostalgia cachet that people fondly remember about a lovable loser.

The Coyotes are the White Sox – equally losery, but no one cares because they exist in a part of the world very few people care to visit. It’s a shame, because they have all-world defenceman Oliver Ekman-Larsson anchoring a proficient core of talented youth, and they acquired noted hot dog enthusiast Phil Kessel in the offseason – two factors that should make them passingly watchable this season. Since they are now owned by Cuban-American billionaire Alex Meruelo, they finally have a stability that should help them become a viable playoff contender in a few years.

Plus, the solid red jersey they wear is a smart look that I wish they’d take on the road.

Calgary Flames:

The ugly sister of the Alberta teams, they actually have the best chance of being the only Canadian team from the Pacific division in the Western Conference playoffs, if they can just avoid playing a team that is hungrier than they are. They have all-world offence, and they just signed key component Matthew Tkachuk to a three-year deal which keeps the goal scoring juggernaut rolling. After Mark Giordano they have a pretty no-name defence, which means more in Canada than it does in the US.

The big question is in net. The Flames goaltending is what caused them to get beat by the Avalanche in five games last April, proving 108 points doesn’t mean shit in the playoffs. Sieve Mike Smith was traded to Edmonton for younger sieve Cam Talbot, who will challenge David Rittich for the top spot in what is likely a platoon situation until head coach Bill Peters decides who he loves more & commits to the relationship.

Edmonton Oilers:

The Oilers have almost hit that aspect of lovable loserdom once occupied by the Chicago Cubs. They have had repeated solid drafts, but have been hampered by managerial ineptitude on a scale that will cause future generations to question the mental capacities of the ownership group. The Pittsburgh Penguins were in such a state twice in their history, and the hockey gods rewarded them with Mario Lemieux and Sidney Crosby – bounties they turned into multiple Cup titles. The Oilers have been cursed since Peter Pocklington stopped stuffing sausages, and yet have failed to turn repeated number one picks into a return to glory.

Much like the Buffalo Sabres are intent on ruining Jack Eichel, the Oilers seem destined to run Connor McDavid into the ground, or until he leaves for the Maple Leafs in free agency.

Los Angeles Kings:

With Sharkbait’s response:

San Jose Sharks:

They resigned 40 year-old Joe Thornton, but let 34 year-old Joe Pavelski get away via free agency, so clearly they don’t have their priorities in order. Martin Jones is Marc-Andre Fleury with an Anglo accent, given their respective histories of disappearing in the playoffs. Sure, they still have Tomas Hertl, Timo Meier & some of the other Hitler Youth,

but that doesn’t make up for the fact that this is an old team that still believes they are one fortunate bounce away from winning it all, and they are going to drag Grizzly Joe across that finish line if it kills them. Which it will, because they are all so old, and have given lengthy contracts to broken old blueliners like Erik Karlsson and Brent Burns, so they don’t have the salary cap space to add depth at the trade deadline unless they can sucker some franchise into absorbing some of their largesse via trade.

Vancouver Canucks: (full disclosure: my home team)

This hurts, because their managerial ineptitude starts at the top with ownership & drips downward like the upstairs neighbour’s garbage off the patio deck. Years of trying to keep up with the Jones has led to bloated contracts for either stars they tried to hold onto, or for terrible players they felt they had to sign lest other teams sign them first. The result is a salary cap that has upwards of $5 million going to retired or traded players, and prevented them from really testing the free agent market. But they did get owned one more time by the guy who eats up a large part of that lost cap room:

Look what I found when I zoomed out a little https://t.co/5ug8hSh5QO pic.twitter.com/0pCuUrvYPk

— Strombone (@strombone1) October 1, 2019

Brock Boeser, the “star” before Elias Pettersson came along, was only able to get a three-year deal because the Canucks are saddled with many, many bad contracts through 2023, at which point his price might be too high for the Canucks to keep him. Add in the fact that the management & ownership managed to alienate franchise icon Trevor Linden and you have a group of people who really couldn’t be trusted with running the Subway franchise across the street from the arena, let alone a major sports franchise.

Oh, and they can’t draft a fucking goalie to save their life.

Vegas Golden Knights:

The bloom comes off their expansion rose this year. Most of the teams in the Central Division have surpassed them in terms of on-ice ability, and the Pacific Division has decided to play the clutch & grab style that New Jersey perfected in the Aughts in order to slow them down. Marc-Andre Fleury will regress to his mean, and everyone will remember why Pittsburgh let him go as he watches more than half the games from the bench.

Plus, it’s now their third year, and the enthusiasm for the team hit its apex last year, so tickets on the secondary market should be more affordable now, which will be apparent as viewers notice more opposing team’s fans in the stands. It’s like a preview of the Raiders’ eventual tenancy!

———————————————————

And don’t forget – the unnamed Seattle franchise will begin play in the 2021–22 season, increasing the Western Conference to 16 teams. Why, just yesterday they announced that their AHL team will be based in the hockey metropolis of …

Palm Springs. Look – they even have a logo already!

Mr. Scott?

Predictions:

Central:

1. Nashville
2. St. Louis
3. Winnipeg

Pacific:

1. Calgary
2. San Jose
3. Edmonton

Wildcards:

1. Colorado
2. Vancouver

And that’s it for me. Thanks for reading.

Enjoy the season everyone – I’ll just be hate-drinking over in the corner.