Yeah, I know westies, it’s still morning out there. But for just once could those of us in the eastern time zones pretend that the world revolves around us? [runs away while giggling]
TO THE GAMES!
Fins/Bills:
I’ll actually tune in here and there for this one just to watch Josh Allen’s What Will He Do Next? Show. A sixty yard bomb? An intercept on a screen pass? A thirty yard scramble that nets five yards? All of these and more are on the table. He can do it all.
Jags/Bengals:
Auden Tate was targeted 10 times last week. It’s as though Dalton has no one else to throw to. Okay, maybe Mixon out of the backfield but that’s about it. The draft picks received by Jax are not expected to play today-one has tweaked an ankle and the other just needs to get up to speed on the defensive schemes.
Vikes/Lions:
Minny has won two straight and the Lions have lost two. The former need this one badly otherwise they’ll go 0-3 in the division. Odds are it’ll be close because all of Detroit’s games have been decided by 4 points or less.
Raiders/Packers:
Scanning the waiver wire looking for help? Green Bay’s wr corps are all kinds of banged up and someone named Allen Lazard came to the fore last week and caught everything thrown his way. You best scoop him up while he’s still in His Majesty’s good graces-2 weeks from now he may fall out of favour for tying his shoelaces incorrectly or somesuch.
Texans/Colts:
J.J. “Look at Me” Watts has found his form again with all kinds of hurries, hits and pressures. All that and 5 sacks to boot. Brissett is slowly but surely opening up his play-calling and the O is benefiting.
Cards/Giants:
Kyler and Daniel have some things in common, one of which is multiple articles written about them that goes something like this:”Rookie QB’s Are Playing Like Rookie QB’s”. Comparisons of all sorts will run amok today just like David and Saquon. The first one to 125 combined yardos wins.
Niners/Potato Skins:
San Franny is so committed to the run that ever since Coleman returned from injury both he and Breida are top 25 in carries per game. Is rook wr McLaurin matchup-proof? Today we find out. My bet is “no”.
Rams/Falcons:
Will Jalen stop the bleeding in the Rams secondary? Perhaps not immediately-doctors have officially declared that wound ‘suppurating’.
Have at it.
Turn a 1st and Goal into a turnover and then give up a touchdown drive all within the last two minutes of the half?
That’s My Raiders!
I can’t believe Barr just hit Stafford the same way he knocked out Rodgers last season. (The season before?) Wtf dude.
SanJose/Landover still scoreless, I support a scoreless tie
The Natives remember what happened last time some prospectors came to visit.
4/13 with an INT and QBR down in the single digits.. PIZZA BOI ladies and germaniums!
And maybe over by 3:40 at this rate
WELP
Goff is such a fucking moe-ron.
A real Goff-Ball?
How shitty am I at fantasy? I am going to lose to TWO Mahomes-y sides.
Mrs. Cola says he was definitely out.
A.A. Ron continues to get NO HELP from teh refs. Ain’t it sad, Spur??
Why do the Zebras even bother reviewing calls that might hurt the Packers
Um, refs? Holding? Hands to the face? No? Oh, okay.
Sports continue to suck
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EHPkOA2WkAQ_whC?format=png
Somebody by name of Erickson has 112 yards receiving.
Bengals scored a non-kicking, ground-based, double-field goal thingy!!!!
How the fuck is Niners-Slurs tied?
Rainy Day Blues
Shitty weather, shittier QB-ing… Pizza Boi is 3/10 for 10 and a QBR of “LOLBAD”
Case K is 5/7 for 43 😀
Defensive Bourble!
Just had a 28 yard pass completion, which is apparently the biggest play of the game so far…
And the cable goes out eat a big shit dick Comcast.
Moar like David Carr imo
Bengals big gain was so unexpected, they didn’t have a camera in place for the next snap.
HAHAHA DEREK CARR
such a derpy emo shitbag
Sponsors of US Football Broadcasts: GM, Ford, Verizon, American Express, The Armed Forces.
Sponsors of Canuck NFL Broadcasts: Jif, Big and Tall, Mattress Barn.
GIT AN ARMY LIBTARDS!!!111
I’ll have you know that we have one (sorta) functional submarine, buddy boy!
And only one 2-decade-ish-long quagmire in the sands of the Middle east! #Winnin’
Don’t forget about our 2 ‘copters!
I assume this is because all of Canada watches the games from bed while wearing a giant flannel shirt and eating PB and banana sandwiches
*Wakes up from really deep nap after huge breakfast/lunch*
*Turns on NINERz/Dacteds game, realizes that for once Dacteds unis don’t look like a condiment disaster*
*Looks at game time*
*Checks NFL.com game recap*
Huh. Whole lotta nuthin’.
Throwback unis are almost always better than current unis
Green Bay just never gets any calls to help them
I don’t know-isn’t there a dedicated phone line for folks with clogged arteries in that town?
Dalton is a defeated man. He needs to be pulled.
If being defeated was all it took to be pulled then I would be getting handjobs 24/7.
Is that why Kraft had to pay for one?
Bengals Radio is in Full Sarcastic Mode. Its glorious.
“Oh I just love grated cheddar on my chili.”
“Glad I took the Giants D!”
-no one in several years
Seemed to have worked out for Mia Khalifa though.
Turns out, that may not be true
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a28686230/mia-khalifa-porn-industry-money/
That’s a fucking Houston touchdown fuck you refs!
Oh some bullshit it in indy
In the grasp on a td pass jfc
Looking forward to what other BS thing they call to try and compensate in the next few plays
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, REFS?!
Ooooh, what game?
All?
I accept all
Jacksonville-Cincinnati. Jacksonville ball carrier had half his foot out of bounds, not the heel, the whole half of his foot. They missed it on replay.
The crowd members dressed as clown refs and criminal refs, well done sirs
Every time Danny Ten Cent throws into coverage I hold my breath because it’s either an intercept or a great throw. There is no in-between.
Goldie Tate is a YAC monster.
Barkley Bear!
big time drive by Oakland.
3rd and 31? FAT HUMPS GRAVY-LADEN NFL BLITZ!
Okay. That “SomeDey! MayDey!” sign make me laugh.
TD Raiders. Better toss a flag
GET HORNIER, FOURNY
KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, FOURNY
Wooo Fourier transformations!
Daniel Jones: 1/4, -8 yards, INT
Negative eight yards? How?!
Eli’s new voodoo doll?
Not eating glue before a game like Eli told him to.
Dacteds seriously challenged a FOUR YARD RECEPTION
the scary part is… it sorta worked?
And you are surprised at this breach of their normally shrewd game management? 😛
Matthew Stafford, the fastest player to 40k passing… Shouldn’t there be an asterisk for garbage time and pointless passing achievement, ‘coz …. well…. those 40k mean fuck all in the grand scheme of NFL things
Or just an asterisk for having Megatron for so many years
And playing so pointlessly shitty, that had him retire in his prime, just so he could escape this gaping mediocrity of a franchise
Hey, as long as they keep putting out the training table. – Matthew S., Pontiac, MI
An asterisk for wasting megatron’s career
Jacobs is fucking sexy beast.
Mr Smith goes to Washington is a much better movie than Janeanne goes to Landover
Also better than Debbie Does Dundalk
Hey Hippo, with the field conditions in Washington, what’s the over under on a career ending injury today?
I sure wouldn’t want my fantasy chill’uns playing on wet asphalt like that.
/of course was too stupid to bench Tevin Coleman
Least field is soft though wouldn’t be surprised if the field swallowed someone up like poltergeist
Wouldn’t surprise me if they built that stadium over a Native American Burial Ground.
Pretty sure that was a must have when scouting for locations to build.
Come on, Cincy! I wanna go dancing!
Three TVs on commercial and I manage to sit near the one that’s not showing football. Red zone on my phone it is!
Thielen rapidly becoming one of the more annoying receivers in football
I need to start getting every Patriots player I can get my fantasy hands on so they all get hurt.
May as well as use God’s wrath to my advantage
I support this endeavor
How have the Bengals not realized they have no Offensive Line?!
finally benched Beatie this week
Don’t appear to have much in the way of a run defense, either.
Even in making a good play, Dingleberry done broke Thielen’s wrist
Well, time to rake leaves. If you’re going to only offer me Bengals vs. Jags then you clearly do not want me to watch football this afternoon.
It’s like having your only pornography option be “Retirement Community Capers Part IV”.
Evenin’ gents, praise be to thy Redzone channels!
tell your wife I am mad at United. Like, Internet Mad.
Are you nuts?! I’m hiding in the home gym precisely to avoid her wrath… well, that and ’cause I wanted to do some miles on the exercise bike and treadmill before going in the hot tub
when we invade Ireland, dibs on BK’s house! 😀
Bish, puhleeze.. You guys are 20+ years into fighting pissed off goatherders in Asscrackistan and the general Middle East, so what shot would you lot have against an island of positively pissed Oirish!? (Plus unlike most Oirish, I haz legal gunz in the house)
Saquon doesn’t look 100%