Your “FINALLY!” Sunday Night Football Open Thread

Back in the summer I had an idea. “Always look ahead”, my dad said and that advice has served me oh-so-well. I dropped in on a few sermons at various churches so I could get the lay of the land as it were. The first was St. Vincent’s, a newer place on the outskirts of town. As I suspected, the parish-goers were well-to-do and they weren’t really interested in getting their hands dirty. If there were any programs it was at arms length-you know, donate to ‘the cause’ so that you could feel better about yourself and could tell folks that you were making a difference in the community.

St. Thomas Aquinas was a bit better. They ran a kitchen on Saturdays-breakfast and lunch for those in need, the usual. They had a large group of volunteers and it was tightly run by a severe-looking, hawk-nosed old man. He had to be ex-military, it was right there in his bearing-you (meaning me) wouldn’t be able to get anything past him. I moved on.

The Holy Trinity Church was right downtown and looked more than a little shabby. In retrospect I should have started right here. You see, I was thinking ahead to November and December, when the wind turns from crisp to downright oppressive, when the cold gets into your bones and it takes forever to get it out-when the less fortunate need a place to sleep because the emergency shelters are full and some other entity steps up to fill the void.

That was Holy Trinity. The staff and volunteers were old and didn’t want to be there anymore but no one was replacing them so here they were. When I mentioned I’d be interested in monitoring these poor souls they practically wept at my feet. And so it was.

This place was badly underfunded. The basement didn’t have proper lighting, the washrooms featured separate spigots for hot and cold water, it was cold. It was almost as cold as outside when the first spell hit but at least there were mats to sleep on and ratty blankets to wrap oneself in. The smell of stale urine hung in the air. I’ll never get accustomed to it.

“Stew” and I hit it off after I offered to guard his satchel while he went to the free needle clinic. I’ve found that small gestures like that mean everything to a guy on the streets. To be someone that can be trusted. Well, for a while…

Stew told me about this one dumpster he liked going to.

-You know that pizza place that just opened three blocks from here?

-Can’t say I do. I’m not really from around here.

-Anyway, all the crap at the end of the night goes in there. And sometimes it’s not crap at all. Only thing is, when the old man has the night shift you can forget about it-he locks that thing up tighter than a drum. But when the woman closes up, she leaves it unlocked. I think she seen me lurking around. I didn’t say anything to her but one look at me and she knows what I’m all about.

-You’d better keep that a secret or somebody else might find out.

-No matter if I say anything or not, it won’t last much longer. There’s too many of us with eyes out looking for stuff. Just a matter of time…

I had something to think about on my drive home the next morning. It looked like time was really tight.

The following Friday was just like any other-ragged folks of all ages shuffled in, sat down, drank the coffee, stank to high heaven. Stew let me know his private paradise was still his alone and he was headed there at 2 am after closing. At 10 pm I feigned a sore stomach and told the other volunteer I was headed home. It was easy to find the place and I parked out of sight across the street.

I started awake at 2:30 and swore out loud at the missed opportunity, thinking that Stew had already been there and gone. After regaining my composure, I decided to wait.

A figure approached the dumpster and I slowly got out of my vehicle as the darkened silhouette pried the flap open. I waited nearby. I heard the rummaging, saw him climb out and walk towards the tree to eat his blackened (I assumed) treasure. He sat down with his back to me. Perfect.

The tools of the trade tonight were a small but weighty hatchet and a garrotte I’d fashioned out of old clothesline and two straps of leather. The freshly fallen snow hid my footsteps but not my excitement. I couldn’t help myself-as I pulled my arm back to level a incapacitating blow I said, “Hey Stew”.

The face that quickly turned towards my voice wasn’t that of Stew. This was an old guy with a yellowish beard that had a wild look in his eyes as he very nearly comprehended what was going to happen to him. I meant to hit Stew on the bridge of his nose but I was as surprised as my unintended victim and missed and buried the butt end of the hatchet into this guy’s mouth. What was left of his teeth mixed with chewed pizza as he fell forward. As he lay facedown on the snow I caved in a small part of his skull with another strike. The strangling tool came out and it was over in three minutes or so.

Breathing heavily, I took a long, looping path back to my car. The surprise of that nameless man’s making gave me an exhilaration I’d never felt before. I don’t know how I could possibly replicate that in the future.

As I got behind the wheel and made my way onto the main thoroughfare, I thought for quite some time about the role of serendipity in all our lives…

TO THE GAME!

Pats/Ravens:

Run LAMAR! Run. Actually, Steve Belichick (Sonny Boy is calling the defensive plays now) will probably gameplan to take away the run and force Jackson to beat the D through the air. And if I recall correctly, all three cb’s are ranked in PFF’s top ten in terms of performance. I’m just glad that New England isn’t facing a slap happy patsy for once.

Do your thing.

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Game Time Decision

Why do they keep showing the P*ts defensive coaches. They look confused

Horatio Cornblower

Nice to see the Nazi homosexual rapist from Oz getting along with the Muppets. Thanks, Farmers.

King Hippo

how do you know all this, Schillinger?

/he REALLY DID rape a whole lot on that show

Horatio Cornblower

Really did seem fond of it.

/Seriously, he’s a great actor. Glad he got some recognition late, and a cushy job selling insurance to coast on.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s the guy that was in The Accountant, right? I liked him in that. Never had HBO so never saw OZ. And fuck, Brady just threw an INT. Fuck, dude, you’re going to lose this game.

Gratliff

Hugh Jackman really let himself go

Horatio Cornblower

Pfft, pussy. I did that years ago.

King Hippo

I did it before they WAS anything to let go!

Gatoraids

Brady watching Jackson from sidelines wondering about the science of Get Out

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck, I already nominated someone for the banner, too.

Doktor Zymm

Still confused how the Patriots got an entire LA neighborhood to play linebacker

Sharkbait

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Horatio Cornblower

“I mean, I just, what do you say?”

I don’t know Cris; you’re the fucking announcer, you figure it out!

Game Time Decision

Lamar is fun to watch. He’s breaking ankles out there

Unsurprised

Literally? Can he do Brady’s?

Game Time Decision

Darkest timeline, so no. But mainly cause you have unpure thoughts

Gatoraids

Breaking them ankles

Gratliff

Did Jackson just use a blocker to pancake block a defender? Magic.

King Hippo

that was pretty neat, he’s sure using his brain out there, damned chess move

theeWeeBabySeamus

It would appear that the Pats D no hear the whistles so goodly.

Horatio Cornblower

Eh, the Ravens seem to have a taste for knees to the back after the guy goes down.

It’s almost like football players are trained to be violent sociopaths or something.

King Hippo

and THANK FUCK FOAR THAT

King Hippo

P*ts fans troubled. Do they root for the gritty fullback, or the dreadlocked defender wearing their uniform?

WCS

NAWT FAHHH

Sharkbait

Anybody wearing white.

Horatio Cornblower

You can go ahead and take “wearing” out of that sentence

WCS

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Can someone cold cock that motherfucker again please?

Horatio Cornblower

He’s not wrong about #4

Viva La Tabula Raza

If you’re in the Boston metro area, maybe gritty white guy wins the poll. Most New Englanders (at least those that I know) are fine with the dreads and the skin tone of those that wear them.

King Hippo

see, youse guys on DFO are the exception that proves the rule!

/at least in my tiny mind/black soul

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’M DIFFERENT! NOT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Stop shlobbing Brady’s knob, Cris.

Horatio Cornblower

First Sunday Night Football game for you?

Viva La Tabula Raza

No, I just like shouting down a well.

Unsurprised

He’s contractually obligated. Like NBC and Notre Dame

Viva La Tabula Raza

The inevitable is no less a shock just because it is inevitable.

Senor Weaselo

I would say it is by virtue of repeatedly being ground down by inevitability.

Doktor Zymm

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Mr. Ayo

I see the [DFO] calendar turned out nicely

Unsurprised

Kommentists have better tans and more hair. I have the photos.

King Hippo

Sorry for this HAWT TAEK, but methinks would behoove the Ratbirds to QUIT. FUMBLING.

Doktor Zymm

Dropping balls are only good in puberty, nawt football

King Hippo

Says YOU!! – Jerry S., State College, PA

Horatio Cornblower

Guess Belichek isn’t the only genius around here guys: check out the big brain on Hippo!

Doktor Zymm

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herodotus450

Watching the pats reminds me of my gloryhole days playing Madden. Just throw it to the same guy every play. He fumbles? Just run it every play of the next drive. Can’t be stopped. Get bored and jerk off to the pixelated cheerleaders.

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

fucking halftime adjustments

King Hippo

Can the P*ts please score a D/ST touched down or two? While still losing.

Sharkbait

I approve of the first half of this statement.

King Hippo

but without teh 2nd bit, it just makes no sense

Sharkbait

1 D/ST Score please.

Viva La Tabula Raza

The sooner the better, please.

Unsurprised

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Doktor Zymm

No way she can squat more than 60 lbs

Horatio Cornblower

Wow, we have som much in common!
/continues to skip Leg Day

Viva La Tabula Raza

Bet she’s hell on the kegels, though.

Spur

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Spur

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Doktor Zymm

Those graffiti resistant cars are a travesty

herodotus450

I’m suddenly convinced that global warming is not a mole people hoax and we should do everything in our power to build more public transit systems

Senor Weaselo

But that would anger the mole people more!

Senor Weaselo

West 8th Street? It’s tough to walk around the aquarium and the boardwalk in those heels.

Sharkbait

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Unsurprised

Always

Senor Weaselo

Great Quotes in Simpsons History

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yay.

Doktor Zymm

Yep. That’s as out as Ellen

Horatio Cornblower

So it’s going to roll over and land at the feet of someone who hates its lifestyle, then smile and laugh?

Horatio Cornblower

Now That’s What I Call Fumbling Vol. 3!

Spur

Sunday Night Fumbles

Gatoraids

Noooobodyyyy dooesss it better. Eat shit collinsworth

Gratliff

BUNCHA CRIMINALS IN BAWLTIMOHR

King Hippo

will not stand obvs

Viva La Tabula Raza

Apparently it will.

King Hippo

being wrong is COOL

Viva La Tabula Raza

In this particular instance, I would have preferred that you were right. But it’s not over yet.

Sharkbait

Aw fuck.

Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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Unsurprised

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King Hippo

he should do a set of self-help vids – Mohammad Sanu (and You Can Too!)

Doktor Zymm

And how do you Sanu?

Gratliff

Brady with some “Mark Sanchez is starting in Washington for some reason” throws tonight

Spur

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Spur

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Unsurprised

FUCK

Unsurprised

Wrong gfycat.

Unsurprised

h

ttps://giant.gfycat.com/OrnateFlawedHoverfly.mp4

Spur

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Unsurprised

He actually looks that good IRL. It’s not fucking fair.

Spur

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Should be tie game soon, and then halftime, so don’t freak out friend-o..

Well, I wasn’t exactly Nostradamus on that call, but at least there wasn’t a NE turnover to make my night go more poorly than it was during the first quarter,

Gratliff

At his speaking event in Iowa, @JoeBiden forgot where the camera was and ended up talking to a screen. CSPAN kept cutting away to try and help him out..?? pic.twitter.com/VmB2ayGqC3

— Collin ?? (@CollinRight) November 2, 2019

Unsurprised

As a mandatory reporter for elder abuse as well as child abuse (and disabled adults), this is exactly why the law was enacted.

Senor Weaselo

For some reason I saw footage of The Rock’s first rasslin’ match and he ended up facing the wrong way for the camera when he won.

Gratliff

Joe needs to practice looking for the hard cam

Horatio Cornblower

By god the Democrats are going to find a way to fuck this up if it kills them and everyone else.

Gratliff

Unfortunately, that account appears to belong to a wannabe Ben Shapiro

Doktor Zymm

Oh God, why would anyone WANT to be like Ben Shapiro??

Gratliff

The Grift Is Good

Gatoraids

because they have a grudge against puberty

Gratliff

ffs the video originates from a Q-anon moron. The internet was a mistake. Thanks, Al Gore.

Doktor Zymm

Can’t we just close the tubes

Unsurprised

I want the entire world to burn. But that’s because I’m lazy. Making it better is hard as fuck.

Gratliff

29 seems a bit young for tubal ligation. Surely it would want to give more thought to having baby webs first.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I remember 30 years or so ago, the conventional wisdom said the interweb was going to make everyone smarter. WRONG! It made everyone more stupid, because we only go to sites that affirm our preconceived notions.

Gratliff

Counterpoint: people have never been smart. The Internet just served as irrefutable proof.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Concur. But I would maintain that it has made people even more stupid than pre-internet.

hippofant

It seemed like the Internet made people smarter because only smarter people could figure out how to use the Internet.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

What does the tatt say?

theeWeeBabySeamus

“I’m a douchbag”…..?

herodotus450

“I’m probably gay or at least too obsessed with the way I look to be a good boyfriend so you should probably just settle for that awkward doughy guy over there”
Or maybe something else, who can say?

Senor Weaselo

“Would you fuck me? Too bad, I’m the only one who could fuck me.”

Best I can come up with.

Spur

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Doktor Zymm

How long did hour-long games take before they took three hours?

Unsurprised

They couldn’t be more than 2. I couldn’t imagine wearing a fucking suit to Paul Brown stadium 50 years ago for five minutes, let alone the 3.5-4 hours of the average NFL shitshow.

Unsurprised

OTOH, it was a Hell of a lot easier to get shitfaced.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That is a touchdown.

Edit: Or maybe not.

Horatio Cornblower

Wrong!!!-NFL
(I thought it was)

Sharkbait

GO FOR IT!

Gatoraids

The good start and no finish to this game will give me such a pair of blue balls that I’ll be well on my way to being Dr Manhattan

Horatio Cornblower

Banner this nerd

Viva La Tabula Raza

Don’t really care, but I hope for your sake that you have a big blue one that makes the ladies call you “Human Tripod.”