T’was a long weekend as far as the footballing was concerned so let’s check on the-
Fallout-
-Out for the year are D-Jax and Preston Williams.
-Out for the year for other reasons is one Jermaine Whitehead. Having missed several tackles during the game, he tried to tackle some folks on twitter and, uh, it did not go well.
-In related news, Freddie Kitchens breathed a sigh of relief when his key card to the Browns facility worked earlier this morning. Team GM John Dorsey later commented, “Fred did a great job-in the whirlpool, keeping his head above water”.
-Seguing to another struggling coach-Dan Quinn ‘shook up’ his coaching staff. No one was fired but several assistants were looking for their new seats on the Atlanta Hindenburg.
-The Dolphins’ Kalen Ballage is out there playing 3D chess while the rest of us are trying to guess heads or tails. The guy managed to get Kenyan Drake traded and then follows it up by spiking new rb starter Mark Walton’s energy drink to the tune of a four game suspension. Dude has read his Sun Tzu.
TO THE GAMES!
Cowboys/Giants:
Oh boy. As a Giants fan that knows that Dallas hasn’t lost to my team for three years now, it ain’t look good. The Giants have trouble defending between the sideline and the numbers and that’s where DAK! shines. He leads all qb’s in completion %, yards per attempt and passer rating on attempts to that spot. Cooper will go off. Engram will get about 72.4 yards. (it’s his average vs. the ‘Boys) Zeke will run for 100+. Daniel Jones will fumble at least once. It is written.
Get at it.
I DEMAND IMMEDIATE ACTION! YOU HAVE READ MY DEMANDS! DO NOTHING FOOLISH
. . . OR ELSE!
I just placed my purple monkey in the dishwasher.
/Trent Green dances in circles, and urinates on the floor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SL_YMm9C6tw
Also calling back to the lol cowboys playoff history bit, I legit thought Dallas managed to slip into one conference game in the last decade and now feel even better
they likely get Dingleberry and the Vikes this year, though. Surely they can win THAT?
1) If you wear a nose ring or an earring during a goddamned football game – you deserve the ER trip coming your way.
2) Mens’ fashion was apparently provided tonight by BRITCHES BESPOKE – am not making that up.
The first time someone got swung around by their dreads, I thought that would be the end of that, but apparently the hair in the wind effect is worth it.
which, as you recall – is perfectly legal
/also quite amusing
think I’d shave my head, then bathe in olive oil or sommet
I’ve never seen a team down 12 just stop playing with 8 minutes left and possession for like 7 of those minutes
It was surreal, like – nah, no way can we really break 30
Shurmer might not make it through the week.
would have kneeled down, why ruin a perfect doubling of the score like that?
Nothing like a garbage time fumbledown!
you’re feeling hope for next week, admit it!
Yes, hope that for the first time in the history of the NFL, both teams get a loss. Not a tie, a big fat L.
Thank goodness I will be spending the day with the very lovely Senorita Weaselo, as it’s our one-year. Still debating what to do.
Watch the game, but somewhere with good brunch! And make eye contact with her at every other commercial break.
Fin
Cheap defensive TD to end the game just perfectly sums up the 2019 Giants.
somebody will win their fantasy matchup with that
Jones really does hold that ball like a loaf of bread (while he’s getting skullfucked)
It’s just amazing that poor innocent Will Hernandez just keeps getting victimized by all these unnecessary roughness penalties. It’s like Raylan Givens said “Say you leave the house in the morning and run into an asshole. All right, you ran into an asshole. But say you leave the house and spend all day running into assholes. There’s a good chance you’re the asshole.”
‘Justified’ was a great show
I recite that little bit over and over. Somebody could base an undergraduate philosophy class on that show.
What, that was on Lawrence, not Quinn? Huh?
They all look alike to the officials.
I love the irony that football has the most violent ordinary collisions but the silliest-looking “fights.”
Baseball would like a word…
Nope. I mean, it’s true that 95% of the guys in a “basebrawl” want nothing to do with the whole thing, but dudes actually land punches in baseball fights once in a while. I’m not saying baseball players are tougher, it’s just a function of the equipment.
Juan Marichal would like a word with you.
Just read that story to see if Marchial was arrested. Not only was he not, he and Roseboro became friends and Marchial wound up being an honorary pallbearer at Roseboro’s funeral.
athletes really are wired differently
Baseball begs to differ, especially with the bullpens running in from the outfield
The Blue Devil in Daniel Jones
His performance has certainly blown tonight
1-yard dumpoff, complete with BLEERGH
He pumped toward Lattimer deep, too.
I mean, JEEBUS, what does he think the downside is in taking a risk NOW?
Body language, dimes.
Sean Lee is head hunting out here.
Well, he’s had so many concussions that he’s going to need a new one soon.
damn it, you beat me to it again!!
“And to think I got arrested for that…” Hugh Grant
It’s the only shape he remembers.
If you shit a chicken, have you also laid the eggs?
#whiskeyquestions
Somebody really needs to give Zeke some fashion tips.
Anyone but Westbrook
So… Dallas’s goal is to go deeper into the playoffs, you say? A fascinating concept.
you PLAY to win the GAME!
I mean, based on the past few seasons, (like since 1995), it’s a fair question.
Surely we will get national coverage for Gigantes/Jest next week?
Guantanamo Bay will get it for “enhanced interrogation”
Maybe NYC will get that game, and ONLY that game. 1p and 4p windows combined.
If the second slot was only footage of the parking lot, I would agree to that every week. I miss hatewatching Jersey Shore.
Tri-state area veterinarian offices will turn it on in their waiting rooms to remind people that another pet owner is saying goodbye to a friend and to be respectfully quiet.
Repo Man Plate of Shrimp moment there. I think one of my dogs’ arthritis has gotten so bad over the last couple weeks that I am going to take her over to Doggy Dachau/Animal Auschwitz and have the vet put her to sleep. Working on a couple of medicinal straws to grasp first though, but am not optimistic. Not looking forward to having to make that decision.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ToUAkEF_d4
Sorry about your dog and choice of euphemisms. That’s never easy.
Dog ownership is something you go into knowing that eventually this is where it ends up. And sorry, did not mean to offend.
Sorry, man. Remember, it’s okay to feel it, and if anyone comments on it, you can blast them clean in the face and not be legally responsible. That’s a thing I heard.
Goddammit, that glass of scotch I poured at the end of the 3rd qtr was supposed to last till the end of the game and it’s gone and there’s sill five and a half minutes to go.
What would Jesus do?
poppers, I bet
Shrooms. Dirty hippy=shrooms
this is solid point
Water>Wine>Scotch
Another problem that is solved by “more scotch.”
But that’s the wonderful thing about scotch- there’s always another 700ml in the bottle
In this instance, you are correct, and in fact I have a medical appointment tomorrow so no commute to office and can sleep in. So, back to the pouring platform!
You see? Jones has the “3rd and long checkdown surrender” move down pat.
The Giants benched Eli for this guy?
ha, NOW they want to establish Saquon
Isn’t that what the orcs were trying to do in Middle-Earth?
Look, the Giants may be down by 12 points, but I hear this Danny Dimes fellow plays the game the right way and has the brain of a QB, so I’m sure a comeback is no problem.
That 7 yard dump-off on 3rd and 21 is merely to lure Dallas into a false sense of security. This punt will lull them even farther, and within 10 minutes the Giants will have them at their mercy.
/Looks at game clock
Well, shit.
This accordion outtake reminds me of one of the better things I’ve seen on Twitter:
“A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the accordion, and doesn’t.”
The accordion version of the MNF theme is better than the original
MIDWAY: The Japanese road to victory.
If only those Kurds had stood with us…
a real shame…
I am really pissed off that I can’t find good 1980s Donks/Raiders fight footage. All Talib v Crabtree
I just went looking for Alzado brawls, and the first thing to come up was an exhibition boxing match he fought against Ali.
I’ve been watching in stunned horror for the last ten minutes.
yeah, I saw those links too
Not defending Cooper? Jim Schwartz should sue for violating IP.
take THAT, REO Shitwagon!!
Oh right, Amari Cooper plays for the Cowboys.
While lol Dallas, not really sure what Cobb’s supposed to do different?
Not block.
I guess that’s the new rule: if the guy isn’t looking at you/has his back to you, you can’t come up and ass-blast him. Makes it just as hard to block as it does to vote.
Officiating is shit tonight
Evergreen comment
Refs gonna win this one for Dallas.
More like Giants are going to lose it.
It can be two things, but you are more right at this point.
I mean, the Giants are just awful.
See what happens when the Pats and Cowboys get their ref crews mixed up
All hail Bleergh!
AHAHAHA FUCK YOU
Am I looking forward to BC Dick’s take on this?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07wuZ3EWMAA
The Cowboys clearly have some kind of bet on the Over for penalties called, and they’re currently behind.
Cute how they are pretending to hate one another. Go back and watch some DEN/OAK film from the 1980s and get back to me.
Wasn’t there a game where Alzado came up swinging someone else’s helmet like a war hammer?
Alzado, then Karl Mecklenberg, Steve Atwater, etc. It was everything short of eye-gauging.
the Non-Gendered pass defense has been pretty good. Except against Special Sam and the Jest, obviously.
That game just makes no goddamn sense. Even with the banged up line, it’s the Jets, man, the goddamn Jets.
They should just direct snap every fucking down. Jones is fucking traaaaaaaaaaaaaaash
“clear and obvious” are BIG WORDS??
Pat Shurmer looks like your recovering alcoholic uncle who is always one step away from snapshow losing it.
Man, if they don’t give the Giants PI on that one they may as well just do away with the PI challenge all together.
Making a play for the ball, NO WAY that gets overturned