Your “Onward and Upward-Or at Least Sideways!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Open Thread

[looks at late slate offerings] Oof! This slate is a bit of a skinny one, isn’t it? Ah, we’ll make the best of it regardless.

TO THE GAMES!

Cards/Niners:

What is going on with David Johnson? He’s run for all of 4 yards in the month of November and looked bad doing it. I heard Greg Cosell say on the radio that he seems to have gained weight and looks more like a tight end these days. He’s off the injury report but I can’t see him getting many touches in this ‘running back committee’ that has recently been announced. Does Kliff Notes just not like the guy? Is there some lingering injury issue that isn’t being made public? I’m sure something will come out at least by the end of the season but for now I think Drake is the way to go because San Franny can be run on.

Bengals/Raiders:

Poor Ryan Findley is up against it, what with trying to play behind this O-line that allows more ‘pressured’ plays than clean pocket ones. Things get a little better vs. a Raiders team that have let Rodgers, Watson and Stafford spank them into oblivion. Josh Jacobs makes defenders miss. And miss. And miss again. His 43 forced missed tackles is the highest ever seen over a ten week period since the stat first started being recorded.

Pats/Eagles:

Do you think that New England will put J.C. Jackson on Ertz, take him out of the game and force Wentz to go to the flubbers that are Nelson Oglethorpe and that Whiteside guy for yards downfield? I think so. Maybe the play here is Dallas Goedart if he gets some run at a wideout spot. Well, if rook rb Sanders wanted the spotlight he’s got it today. Hey, Jay Ajai and his reconstructed knees are back in town again! Philly fans are out looking for blood. Well, since that is their default position, perhaps I should be more specific.They want the Eagles medical staff’s blood because Howard has somehow come out of the bye week more injured than when he entered it.

Do your thing.

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Horatio Cornblower

Please let Agholor catch the desperation TD

Petronel

Or, Tony, you could just pop it out to the defense…

King Hippo

the old double Hail Mary drill

Horatio Cornblower

I’m beginning to question the value of a University of North Dakota education

King Hippo

Jesus, you can’t let that ball hit the ground.

Gratliff

Again
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Horatio Cornblower

C’mon man, you can’t blame him for that one.

Spur

and Agholor is dead

Senor Weaselo

Agholor drop, DRINK

Viva La Tabula Raza

And done.

King Hippo

The Circle of Agholor is complete!

Horatio Cornblower

His knee might be complete too. Completely wrecked.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh man, Wentz just sucks so much.

King Hippo

kick the FG!!

Mother Puncher

I could see wentz getting that camo sleeve tattooed on

Horatio Cornblower

He’s throwing like they did it at half-time

King Hippo

throw a pickerception, DFO ball matters MOAR

Petronel

HOSHIT NINERS!

Horatio Cornblower

That SF fumble recovery gave me a defensive TD that may give me a FF win. Second week in a row that SF has done that for me.

As a Dallas fan I am conflicted.

Redshirt

Bungle for Burrow continues!

Mother Puncher

BLOW FOR JOE

hippofant

I like that moment when the ball flew over Kyler Murray’s head, and as he sorta goes to go get it, he looked back at the Olineman who did it and was like, “You serious, bro?”

Viva La Tabula Raza

OT looming in PHI?

Horatio Cornblower

Wentz will fuck this up.

Horatio Cornblower

Probably with a dumb-ass throw like that one.

Spur

They’ll go for 2

Horatio Cornblower

This is usually the time of night where I’m thinking “ah fuck, gotta go to work tomorrow” and start checking the schedule, only I took tomorrow off, so instead I’m gonna have some cake and then start drinking.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ve got too much going on at the orifice tomorrow to bow out, but I’m pretty sure I will be calling in sick this coming Friday.

Horatio Cornblower

Me too, but I’m currently sitting on 6 weeks of unused vacation time and it’s not like they’re going to pay me for it so fuck it, I’m taking it.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yeah, I’ve got 80 hours I’ve got to use or lose by New Years.

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t be shy man, they’re not gonna give it your heirs.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ll use it all up after I have my foot surgery on 10 December.

Redshirt

Raiders just punted from the opponent’s 33-yard line.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Fucking touchback? Jesus H. Christ all it got them was 13 fucking yards. Should have at least taken a delay of game penalty to get backed up five yards.

Horatio Cornblower

Yep, those sound like Rikki’s Raiders.

Senor Weaselo

Paging Jon Bois?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Homemade curly fries, dammit.

(Yeah, you heard me)

Senor Weaselo

Derp then underp!

Horatio Cornblower

Here comes another fine offensive thrust from the Eagles.

Pffffffft.

And there it goes.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Pelvic thrust?

WCS

DUFF MAN AGREES OH YEAH

Redshirt

No, not the Time Warp. An Eagle Offensive Thrust.

Gatoraids

Foles wouldn’t need to thrust just kinda leans in

Viva La Tabula Raza

Go for it you pussies!

Redshirt

Move over Dave Shula and the 1993 Bengals. You are no longer the only Bengals team to start 0-10 and lose 10 games in a row in a season.

WCS

Whomever they pick number one, that both of his Achilles will spontaneously combust walking out to shake Lord Ginger’s hand.

hippofant

THEY CAN STILL COME BACK!

YOU GOTTA BELIEVE REDSHIRT!

hippofant

Oops never mind.

Gratliff

Edelman’s gonna get popped every single time he gets the ball

WCS

That’s a shame.

Petronel

WOO!

Gatoraids

Dolphins ruined our season, our draft pick and my fantasy season by fucking sending drake to Arizona

Gatoraids

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King Hippo

Janeane Redeemed!!

King Hippo

why are they acting like Tomsulas should be thinking FG?

hippofant

Edelman just broke a DB’s spine.

Senor Weaselo

Stephen Miller was confused who to root for on that play.

Viva La Tabula Raza

The fellow Hebrew, obvs.

Senor Weaselo

Double hammerlock is totally legit!

Gratliff

Fuck fuck fuck that looked bad

Redshirt

Auden Tate? Yup. At least he was able to move his feet.

Gratliff

Maddox got ahead of Edelman and had a pick and Edelman basically combined a horse collar tackle with a sleeper hold

Redshirt

Yeah. Ow.

King Hippo

forget about personal foul, they didm’t even call the blatant OPI

King Hippo

pretty dirty play

Horatio Cornblower

I’m not sure it was dirty, but if Edelman goes over the middle I’m not going to take issue with any Eagle that thought it was

Viva La Tabula Raza

Let Edelman pass it again.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Give up a 20 yard completion on 3rd and 19? THAT’S MY RAIDERS!

Redshirt

Kill our best WR? THAT’S YOUR RAIDERS!

Redshirt

WARMING UP IN THE CINCINNATI BULLPEN

14 – Dalton (R)

Gratliff

Cursed image. Ken Shamrock looking less and less human with age.
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WCS

He’s melted into Sly Stallone.

Horatio Cornblower

Are you telling me that a lifetime of getting kicked in the head, combined with massive steroid abuse, isn’t good for you?

Gratliff

THere’s a pancrase fight between him and Bas Ruten where it’s like they put Bas up against one of the X-men. Even juiced to the gills, what he was doing looked impossible.

Redshirt

Bengals O-Line is trying to get Finley killed.

King Hippo

NC State did a good jerb preparing him for that

WCS

DO NOT BESMIRCH THE GOOD NAME OF FOO FIGHTERS ASSOCIATING THEM WITH TOM BRADY YOU PHILISTINES

King Hippo

he would nae be my first call for “Monkey Wrench”

hippofant

Is there some reason why the 49ers-Cards announcers keep calling him Kevin Peterson? Did I miss something???

Gratliff

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LemonJello

Agholor dropped a pass? Someone loan me some pearls to clutch.

Spur

If he’s so bad why do they keep him?

Gratliff

this, but with more sincerity

King Hippo

oh, Janeane…

King Hippo

this weekend has really been a good microcosm of my life

Viva La Tabula Raza

Time for McCourty pick 6.

Spur

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hippofant

Lol @ Carr celebrating faking his own offensive line offsides.

King Hippo

CIN, if you want to fuck up my bets, at least let Jacobs fucking score

litre_cola

This is the correct comment

Spur

am getting a drink. All thee late games are fun

Viva La Tabula Raza

What the fuck was that, McDaniel?