Of course it was all over the local papers and even made the regional news broadcast. When things go right there’s never much fuss because there are no witnesses, or the family are out-of-towners (if there are any) or the body is discovered much later. A corpse isn’t news-worthy. But you know what is? A good samaritan happening upon a crime taking place. There’s a face to interview, some splash to be made, clicks to acquire, and so on. There was no connection made to other happenings in town because that would have required effort on behalf of journalists and members of the police force. To be fair, they’re all townies that don’t have the skills to dig deeper. I mean, if they did they sure wouldn’t be here.
So Chet made it, just barely. My failure is lying there in Intensive Care, hooked up to all kinds of bells and whistles. There’s most likely a huge piece of gauze wrapped around his throat too. One reporter said that he wasn’t able to talk, which was good. And said samaritan gave the dodgiest of descriptions. He only saw one side of my face but described my clothes well. So I drove down some backwoods road with the items in a bag, set it on fire and then buried it.
I then took a bit of time and reviewed my situation. They’ll be interviewing all Chet’s buddies at the bar and most likely the bartender as well. I’m confident that none of his friends would have noticed me as I recall it was the bartender that delivered their drinks to them. She’s going to be a problem. Damn. As for Chet, I can’t get at him in ICU because it’s an isolated area and even if I could he’d be hooked up to a heart monitor while he’s in a dicey state and if something occurred someone would come running. I’m going to have to wait this one out for a bit…
Five days had passed and the rumour around town was that old Chet was in a regular room. It’s time to give him a visit.
I’d been to this hospital over the years-asthma attacks, a fractured thumb, a gashed arm-so I knew a bit how it was laid out.There were only five floors and each wing had a small little waiting area for friends and family that were visiting patients. Thing is, I didn’t know where Chet was and of course I couldn’t ask. So I set up shop in the lobby of the second floor and listened for idle chatter. Nothing. I left after an hour. Next day I set up on the third floor and did the same. Nothing again. Not good-that bartender’s description was going to come out soon.
The third day I camped out on the fourth floor and waited. I was only going to give it 45 minutes or so because I knew I was pushing my luck. About a half hour in, two broken-down sorts ambled by, looking lost. My interest was piqued. They wandered over to the nurse’s station and I heard the word ‘Chet”. Yes!
I followed them back down to the second floor and saw them go into a room. I hurried to the men’s washroom and holed up in one of the stalls. I took out a book I’d been reading-it was Mailer’s The Naked and The Dead, don’t know why I picked that one, I guess I just liked the title-and set my phone timer for 45 minutes.
After time was up I made my way to the room and peered around the door frame. No visitors and no other patients. My time was now. I walked towards Chet’s bed, his eyes went wide when he saw me and he started fumbling for the the buzzer by his bedside. Shit! I couldn’t get to him in time and froze. Shit! He pressed it a whole bunch of times. Fuck. I had to think fast. Walking quickly towards the nurse’s station my brain was screaming, “THINK, THINK”. A thickset woman about 45 minutes was sighing and getting out of her seat.
-Uh, my buddy Chet rang for you. I think he just wants a pillow. Do you have one available? I’ll save you a trip.
-Yah, there’s one just over in the closet over here
My heart was pounding out through my chest. I could feel beads of sweat on my forehead…
-Here’s the pillow. Hey, you don’t look so good…
I cleared my throat.
-Uh, yeah. I, uh, hate hospitals. A lot. Something about that antiseptic smell gets to me. But I had to visit my buddy.
-Yeah, you’re not the first. And could you get Chet to lay off the buzzer? Pretty annoying…
-Sure, sure. I’ll see that he doesn’t bother you anymore.
Chet was trying to desperately get out of his bed and struggling badly in his weakened state. The buzzer had fallen to the floor and I pushed him back down onto the bed. As the pillow went over his face he struggled a bit but not much. He was an old man that had suffered a significant injury so it didn’t take long. After it was over I put the extra pillow behind his head all nice like.
I’m hoping there’s a 50/50 chance that medical staff will attribute Chet’s demise to his heart giving out but who knows? That nurse saw me plain as day and the thought of having to kill a woman makes me sick to my stomach…
TO THE GAME!
Packers/Niners:
It was reported that Kittle would give it a go tonight so it may only be Breida, Samuel and Sanders that are out. Green Bay is very generous in the run game so Tevin should get his but if he doesn’t Jimmy G has proven that he can fling it these past few weeks. I think that this one will be a close one.
Night night!
That all time RB list was something else. I mean my granddad and his brothers were big Marion Motley fans. But they’ve been dead 20-30 years.
OJ Simpson made the 100 best running backs? I always knew he was a cut above the rest.
His breakaway speed really declined in his older years though.
His ability to find a weakness in a defense, then slash through it remained with him, though.
Bob’s burgers was entertaining as always. Now back to this snuff film
What kind of hybrid Scheiße/Snuff film are we being subjected to tonight?
that when you suffocate/drown someone with one’s diarrhea? Can we have Balls search that?
2nd half will be moved to the Mitchel brothers Ofarrel Theatre in the Tenderloin
I like the thought of this Tomsulas D doing this to Dreamboat
Defensive hoding, #25, defens. First down, Greatriots
/hangs head in resignation
TOUCHÉ ! ! !
NON-TOUCHÉ ! ! !
Six minutes to go.
Seulement six minutes pour la coupe.
Hamilton might be in trouble.
/Aaron Burr enters the pitch
Something I now share in common with Hamilton was that you took the shot before me
Shit, I have to get Hermana Weaselo and my mututal Christmas present… to ourselves.
/Shut up, it was her idea
Y’all is gon duel one another at 10 paces? Sounds HOT
Hermana Weaselo, not Senorita. Though shit, what am I gonna get her?
I give gifts even worse than my reading comprehension
LOL, reminds me of a joke….
Redneck says “Hey, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend and my sister.”
But there’s only one girl sitting there.
If by “duel” you mean “anal sex” and by “10 paces” you mean “nut-to-butt” then yes that will happen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
/moar concerned about the term “mutual” Christmas present.
She decided “hey, let’s buy each other Hamilton tickets.” But I’m in charge of going on Ticketmaster or wherever and buy said tickets.
I’m available for a 3 way if that helps.
There might be pants in Winnipeg!
…and now the Hammer really can’t fine him.
/still gets fined
and suspended.
be nice if this match would stop being shit
Fuck you, Hippo – Darkest T.
What 50 year old dipshit is picking the songs tonight
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BvUZijEuNDQ
I can ask, my friend is running the sound board.
In the past I think has said it is the production supervisor.
THE CUP!!!
Monster FF performance this week:
I was gonna watch this game, then heard Collinsworth open his yapper. So… maybe I’ll stare at a wall and disassociate for the next 3.5 hours instead.
There’s always the mute button and booze.
They invented SAP for a reason
Kill yourself.
– MIchelle Carter
https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/tv/a28339149/where-michelle-carter-is-now-jail-i-love-you-now-die-true-story/
So, no shit, I still have a bunch of assholes in my house whom I am allegedly related to.
Granted, I am one of those aforementioned assholes. But I live here and pay the bills, dammit.
There’s about to be a family schism methinks.
I CAN’T MISS YOU IF YOU DON’T GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!
Start jerking off in the living room. I bet ppl leave.
I’d hope so, be really embarrassing if they joined in or pulled up a chair to watch.
Nah they’re more likely to yell at you to stop and then make a big deal about it, throwing it in your face for the next 10 years
It’s North Carolina. I wouldn’t take that bet.
You sure you want to miss them? Bullets be expensive.
You can if you’re a terrible shot.
Can you be related to yourself? I imagine it’s like 1 being a prime number.
Why and/or how today became an impromptu Pre-Thanksgiving-Thanksgiving, I’m still not clear on. I was watching football and went downstairs to find a house full of rednecks. Mom is sneaky and had started cooking.
OK, I can deal with that. Even being the insufferable antisocial prick that I am.
But come on, man!!!!! It’s now freaking 9:30pm and there is no moar food!!!!! GO HOME!!!!!
Go to the breaker box and start shutting everything down.
So what I’m hearing is “accidental” electrical fire.
Good thinking.
We’re hosting Christmas Eve dinner for about 9 people. Wife is making crab legs. I need a “turf” to go with it.
Suggestions?
Reindeer
NY Strip? Ribeye?
Prime rib
Wait. How much do you like these people?
Doesn’t matter, I want to perform here.
Prime rib
Certainly not FedEx Field brand, too thin, full of voids, and may cause bone loss.
Haunch of dragon, tender on the inside, you do need to spend time descaling teh skin
Maybe lamb?
Ask Jameis what’s on sale at Publix?
That’s why he’s able to serve crab legs for ten
Bone in rib roast.
DAK DAK DAK DAK DAK
pot roast?
Tenderloin.
Thought about that. I did fillets mignon last year so….
Weed brownies?
I did see an article about cannabis infused gravy for Thanksgiving.
/Indiana unanimously legalizes weed Monday morning
Hehehe, I saw that too. I figured Litre had expanded his expertise.
Brian Beluga
Minke Fitzpatrick
Alfred Blue
Got him confused for Peyton Manning for a second.
Bob’s Burgers> This game
Troof
Huey Lewis!
if this is it, pls let me noe
Tomsulas leaving lots of points on the table.
More hobo
baitleftoversGood christ did the cowboys get fucked without any lube today
high fives all around!
You saw that movie too, huh?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbWg-mozGsU
There are worried courtesans in the greater DFW metro area that are expecting the same from Ol’DubbleJ
When they’re dead they’re just hookers
By no means am I Cowboys fan, but you can’t watch that game and not say that the Pats got a lot of beneficial calls. Tripping? Come on.
Yeah, well. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Look, man, when you’re going after the big boss, you have to be ready to handle his henchmen
?Cybertruck
Cybertruck
Someone stop this goofy fuck
From making things
Nobody wants
Needs someone
to call him a cunt
Lookout
Got hit by a cybertruck?
The ISIS cybertruck photoshop is perfect because they really did just make the perfect replacement for the Nissan technicals that ISIS, AQ, and our other favorite throat-slitters favor
Yeah, the Cybertruck got a rolling start.
Not sure Davante’s taunting was the smartest move
It never is.
Full House theme is an interesting throwback.
Wasn’t there an adult video made about that?
Rule 34
My brother hates football. So it’s interesting getting updates from having to sit through this game with other people.
For some reason, I’m being inundated with stories about Mike Bloomberg running for president, and see no difference between this and like the weird old farmer dude in every town that also officially runs for President by filing the paperwork. I believe he’d lose to weird old farmer dude 10 times out of 10, as well.
Farmer dude isn’t a billionaire.
Neither is Trump.
That’s why I think he’s fought so hard to protect his tax records. He’s ashamed of not being as wealthy as he claims to be.
Funny story: Bloomberg news just suspended its editorial board and announced a ban on investigative reporting on Mike Bloomberg and his family. lol
good thing nobody but Mike Bloomberg takes Mike Bloomberg seriously
His first two terms weren’t entirely shit! Just the third when we went too far up his own ass.
Also the key to beating him is to make him say things in Spanish.
https://youtube.com/watch?=O9KMgRamba0
The downside is that he won’t implode with constant expressions of how out of touch he is like Schultz did and how Steyer is avoiding because no one wants to indulge his vanity even for our own schadenfreude. But on the other hand, he has to address a lot of his mayoral policies from a class-based analysis that wasn’t really touched upon as much in the 2000s. So who knows.
“Class-based analysis” is for losers and dipshit college professors.
The official who throws the little hockey puck type thing to indicate the yard marker where a punt was fielded is not doing too well tonight.
So does the hobokiller live in a state with capital punishment? That might become relevant.
I think it’s Canada; serial killing is 10 to 20 tops.
He has a fake passport and documents to no less than three countries in South America.
If you’re not prepared, you never get to the “serial” part ,, ppl forget that
A serial killer could probably make a fortune off the government in a couple of South American countries right now.
Hamilton defense is tackling the shit out of each other.
The San Francisco treat means something completely different to Rodgers
…
…
Damn it.
“Separate Ways” plays for the Rodgers clan…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ul-cZyuYq4
Good. Fuck the Packers
1st and goal at the 2, since I played Deebo over Tevin. FUCK EVERYTHING
Sweaty Man pile on Rodgers!
That was pretty impressive fuckery.
Adams is a punk
Vampire Weekend wrote a song about him!
Heh, good one.
Rodgers did alot of “experimenting” while at Cal
taught him a lot, why he sticks to athletic brunettes now
Rodgers is going to stick around for Thanksgiving dinner with the fam
ALRIGHT LET’S DO THIS
Brother vs brother, just the way Rodgers likes it
I flipped a coin which led me to Deebo! Fuck, is this gonna be nervy.
Watching Simpsons for the first in a decade and a half. Its not that bad, but Marge’s voice sounds old.
Sometimes you’ve got to rest on your laurels.
the early afternoon slate of games makes anything look good
I am not a yuge CFL guy but this 2nd half will be bananacakes.
/will have GB SF on too.
I feel our intrepid author will be faking his demise, only to be reborn in a new locale, like some mythical hobo-killing phoenix.
Has anybody in real life ever had a problem finding shirts that look good untucked? All of my shirts come from thrift stores and they all look fine. I’m pretty interested in men’s fashion too so I’m confident I’m not being oblivious here.
I guess men are facing the old psychological tricks previously only aimed at women: lower our self-esteem by suggesting that our shirts don’t look good, then try to sell us a solution to the newly created problem.
I’m here to tell you, men, that you look fine in that untucked shirt! Maybe. If you don’t, it’s probably not the shirt’s fault.
I just go in assuming every shirt I wear looks bad untucked or otherwise, and it causes me no distress
I am ugly as a mule’s ass, and no longer care.
That reminds me of Abe Simpson’s best insult to Homer: you’re as dumb as a mule and twice as homely.
grumble grumble your fault for not wearing a hoodie now try to get your mom unfucked grumble grumble
I wear all my shirts untucked, but only to keep my modesty as I subscribe to the DFO “NO PANTS” Manifesto…
Where’s Kevin Federline when you need him?
(is he still alive?)
All my shirts are custom made by my tailor in London so they always look pretty good I guess, tucked in or not. My valet dresses me and would tell me if I looked bad; he has a pretty good eye for stuff like that.
Unless he secretly hates you and is intentionally dressing you like Stevie Wonder.
Unfortunately Brick had the man’s tongue ripped out after he made a joke about Brick’s railroad futures, so we’ll never know what he really thinks.
He was cool with that though; he’s pretty loyal.
No one can accuse him of verbal harassment.
Well, you’re probably not a fatass with a large gut like some of us and, I assume, the target of the ad
Share in the magic:
Booooooooooooooooooooooo
Anyone else with a Deebo! or Tevin decision? And what y’all think?
Nothing screams Canada like Keith Urban.
Better than Loverboy, April Wine, Trooper, Platinum Blonde, et al….
Ricky wants Helix.
Gordon Lightfoot singing from a wheelchair
He was at one a few years ago in Toronto and looked like current day Al Davis.
The Tragically Urban
COMING UP NEXT: New Zealand cokehead Keith Urban sings hillbilly songs of love.
PORQUE YO SOY GEORGE KITTLE Y TENGO…un tobillo jodido
Next week, Scotchy blows the hospital up, just to be sure.
Ole Chet here has you short one dead hobo on the season. I trust you’ll make up the difference.