The only good thing the state of Alabama has is football and now they don’t even have that. So, Crimson Tide fans, cram that loss up that MAGA ballcap, go back to your hovel and throw a Saban-like tantrum in front of your haven’t-bathed-in-weeks kids. Don’t forget to slap your cousin-wife for good measure. It’s her fault she looked at you funny again, right?
TO THE GAMES!
Jets/Bengals:
I’m streaming Darnold for this one because I’m frightened and confused. And also because since week 10 he’s been QB3 in fantasyland. There’s much to criticize about Adam Gase but the state of the Jets D is not among them. It has slowly become a very solid unit that is very to run against.
Titans/Colts:
Speaking of robust run D’s, Indy has one. But the sheer mass of Derrick Henry has a way of changing defender’s minds and defense’s stat lines. T.Y. is out so the Colts have to employ the remaining members of their “Bring Out Your Dead” receiving corpse.
Eagles/Fins:
Jordan Howard is done for this week so Miles “And Miles” Sanders is in a potential smash spot against a Miami D that gives up 130 yds. per game to rb’s.
Packers/Giants:
Does anyone remember when Janoris Jenkins was a lockdown corner? I do. It was way back in aught ’16. We were so young and foolish back then. We made tons of mistakes but we learned from them and we had such fun along the way…
Browns/Steelers:
Chubb and Snell should get all kinds of work today and I’m going to give the edge to the rook because Pitt’s D has been gangbusters Minkah came to town.
Potato Skins/Panthers:
Play McCaffrey. [wipes hands on shirt] There. Done.
Bucs/Jags:
Good Lord! Here’s a stat for you-11 times Tampa has played against a wr that averages 12+ fantasy points. Those 11 players have gone off for a collective average of 26 points. Btw, D.J. Chark and his 17.2 mark are salivating at the moment.
Niners/Ravens:
This is the reason so many of us are tuning in, right? I wouldn’t mind seeing this tilt again in early February either.
Hit me with your best words!
WOW. That was a Bobby Big Bollocks win for Lamar! and DreamKicker
Break out the bubbly Browns and Lions! The Bengals are up by 16 points with 3:41 to go.
Getting close enough for Tucker. Almost.
Orrrrrr….you could always do that and back up 10 yards.
I hate this game.
47 yarder…in this weather it’s going to be interesting.
Just a Man and His Dream
Hey I get that reference.
I do not understand Fitzpatrick at all. Just a fucking coin toss every game how he’s gonna play
Nothing good has ever come out of Harvard
Remember back when Roberts didn’t need a hip replacement….like two minutes ago.
Ouch.
Adam Vinatieri is going to wonder off the field at the end of this game in shock still wearing his uniform like Rambo did in First Blood Part II.
ALMOST SUDDEN CHANGE!!!!!
(crap)
The calls for Schwartz being fired on Twitter rising quickly to Princeton levels
A ha. HAHAHAHAHA
/dies
Most Tits game EVAR
/rummages Don T’s pockets for wallet and loose change.
Hey, gimme mah lint!
I CALL THIS GAME STARKIST TUNA BECAUSE THE DOLPHINS ARE SURPISINGLY IN IT
That was good.
Anytime I laugh at something and feel guilty for laughing, it has to be good.
I CALL THIS GAME THE EYRIE BECAUSE IT’S WHERE THE EAGLES SHIT THE BED
quack quack!
So uh is Davonte Parker usually this good or did he just save every big play for the Eagles?
Now Tomsulas’ chance for Crucial Fourth Down
…and they THROW
I’ll say this. Whomever wins this one, it was earned on D.
This game shoulda been February.
,,,and Dalton just got Giovani Bernard dead.
I don’t exactly want to legitimize lib memes like Everything Trump Touches Dies, buttttttttttt … if he could show up to a P*ts home game, that would be swell.
Niners D might be as advertised.
Niner D? Go on …
Gotta get Lamar!!! back out on that field dammit.
You can’t make the team from the tub.
(Hippo knows that quote)
Another fair catch punt by the Clots at their 10. If P Brett Kern ain’t 1st team All Pro, shit is getting burned.
“False start on 69”
Look, just yell ‘cut’ like every other porn director, OK Scorsese?
I didn’t want to have to drive people all the way to New Jersey in the slush for a gig, but somehow I did that all and I’m not dead.
Just inside
You can see it in his eyes.
Fitzmagic
The Eagles play the Dolphins as close as they do the best teams in the league and it’s fucking maddening
Daniel Jones gonna Daniel Jones
Droppin’ dimes* all over the place.
*fumbles
That ball crossed the goal line.
Sorry Ravens….this gonna be a touchback after review.
Good try though.
Or maybe not.
Why are they reviewing this?
Also, Harbaugh looks better in the camera with the lens fogged up.
Is…is Colonel Sanders gonna fuck Mrs. Butterworth?
Some very problematic implications here
Seems natural to me – Thomas J., Charlottesville, VA
http://aflixionado.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/KillerJoe10.jpg
That looked like a deep fried snapping turtle head.
Look away. Things are about to get sticky.
Won’t be too bad if you warm her up properly.
?
Why not? She’s Old Money.
Safety Dance in Cincy!
Fitzpatrick!
Cursed monkeys beard of qbs
Olivia Munn is playing?
Dealing with xmas lights bring out the best swearing in me. Especially when the stores aren’t stocking the C7 size seemingly anymore. Assholes. All of them.
Jimmy G throws the The Aaron Rogers special, bailout flag
Fuck, really coming down now. Need the gap over the Meadowlands to get up here. There’s no way my wife is gonna let her first born go with me.
Let her know after the fact.
Exactly, better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
Eh… that adage is only applicable if someone’s happy,I mean single… For everyone else is – it’s easier and quieter to beg for permission than to be growled at for a month
This guy gets it.
I do the cooking and laundry. Growl at me and you won’t eat or have clean clothes. Forgive me and you get your favorite foods and baked items.
Don’t get those two things mixed up.
Baked beans could really mess up my favorite pair of underpants.
If you saw the size of my belly you would know how seriously I take my food, so no chance of that.
She’s sitting right here, man. She’s gonna notice.
Possible alternative: leave him
My son brought me a flat of beer from the brewery he works at. He is still in the will.
Mine hit his then girlfriend’s father up to get me my first Heady Topper, for Xmas, about 4 years ago, when he was 17. Drove over and picked it up, then drove it back with the beer hidden in the trunk in case he got pulled over.
It’s like if O. Henry wrote stories about smuggling.
Heady Topper.
Sounds like a Balls porn search term to me.
u think DonT ain’t gon drank??
Mostert is going crazy
Fu Minshew is back in Jax!
el Tractorcito!!
Bengals are doing their best to lose this game by putting their 6th-string WR on the field, but Dalton somehow gets him the ball.
No reason whatsoever for RedZone to cut away from Niners-Ravens save commercials
I am considering switching to main Fox feed
But then you’ll miss Duck Hodges throwing on 3rd and 7 from the 17!!!!!
Game of the year folks.
LAMAR!
HEADLEY
HEDLEY!
The snow just started to pick up here and I am seriously thinking of driving 45 minutes each way to a brewery because they’re the best beer around and there is no line.
Priorities, I has them.
the only downside is missing FITBAW time. Maybe send your spawn?
I’d bring him with me; there’s a per person limit on a couple of the cans I’d be shooting for.
Ooh, “cans I’d be shooting for….”
Have at it, Balls.
You need to bring enough back for everyone in the clubhouse. Rulz R Rulz.
I trade beers with BFC and Snow.
You misspelled “LemonJello.” Twice.
You get me an address, I’ll get you beers.
You send me Bud Light back, I’ll show up at your address.
Do your tires have tread? You’ll be fine.
Sideline reporter is confused that Baker Mayfield is not expected to start the second half, because he “came out under his own steam and looks like a guy who’s ready to play.” It’s a fucking hand injury, dipshit … were you expecting him to limp or roll out in a wheelchair?
Baker returns. It’s not like he needs his right hand that much imogodbless
His first name ain’t baby. It’s Lamar! Mr. Jackson if u nasty.
Holy cats, is possible that ALL THREE of Bungles, ‘Dacteds, and LOLfins win
The seals of the lolpacolpyse have broken hail your king burrows
we live in a very strange, fuckety reality
Carcosa baby the yellow king beckons us all
the Yellow King book is especially good
On an unrelated and way too somber for here note:
New Orleans shooting: Eleven victims near French Quarter
(just popped on my news feed)
Yeah, I saw that earlier.
And nothing is off limits here, my friend.
How the fuck does Agahlore keep his fucking job?
TheSean Jackson needs a new tummy
Reminder that the Eagles are 7-4 right now if Nelson Agholor didn’t drop a sure TD against both Atlanta and Detroit at the end of each game
Fuck you Dolphin!!
This needs a Dakota Jeebus pick six
SNOW GAME IN THE MEADOWLANDS!!!!!
Wooooo!!!!!
Gilbert Gottfried to lead #ThePauls!!
Mandatory Posting (definitely NSFW)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGA0dIz9-Wk
his version is indeed the best!