EXT. OAKLAND RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE – DAY

Establishing shot and title card.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: The Raiders Family [sic] is filmed in front of a live studious [sic] audience.

CUT TO – INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

The music of the My Chemical Romance album “The Black Parade” blares throughout the house.  KOLTON MILLER sits on the couch, munching from a small bag of Trader Joe’s Jerk-Style Plantain Chips.

KOLTON MILLER: [looking at the now-empty bag regretfully] Man, I wish these things came in bigger bags.  [grabs another bag from a pile next to him]

— [door flies open] —

COACH GRUDEN: GODDAMNED COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!  WHY AREN’T YOU LOOKING AT YOUR PLAYBOOK?

KOLTON: I was!  But all that talk about bananas made me hungry, Coach!  Kinda creeped out by all the parts about spiders, though.

COACH GRUDEN: [softens marginally] Aw, Kolton, you big goof, you know I can’t stay mad at you. I can sure as hell stay mad at Derek, though.  Where is he?

KOLTON: In his room, Coach.

COACH GRUDEN marches over to DEREK CARR’s bedroom door and pounds on it.

DEREK CARR’S VOICE: Go away!

COACH GRUDEN: DEREK DALLAS CARR I DIDN’T LET YOU PAD YOUR STATS IN GARBAGE TIME JUST SO YOU COULD COME HOME AND MOPE IN YOUR ROOM ALL WEEK YOU GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE RIGHT NOW.

There is no response, but the music is turned up louder.

COACH GRUDEN: [muttering to himself] Goddamned cocksucking motherfucking son of a bitch…

The camera follows COACH GRUDEN as he steps out into the garage and approaches one of the walls.

He flips the switch marked “Derek’s Room” and the music cuts off immediately.  We track COACH GRUDEN back into the living room, and as he arrives DEREK CARR’s door opens a sliver.

DEREK CARR: There’s something wrong with the power.

COACH GRUDEN: YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT THERE IS WHERE THE HELL IS TOM?

TOM CABLE: [looks up from reading a settlement proposal from his wife’s divorce attorney] Right here, Jon.

COACH GRUDEN: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO THE DAMNED RUN GAME? THESE GUYS OUR OFFENSIVE LINE I CALL THEM PG&E CAUSE APPARENTLY AS SOON AS THINGS GET HOT IS WHEN THEY DECIDE TO SHUT IT ALL DOWN.

TOM CABLE: What are you talking about, Jon? Our run game is ranked in the top half of the league in most categories.

COACH GRUDEN: INCLUDING FUMBLES.  CAN’T PUNCH IT IN FROM THE ONE WHEN WE KEEP LETTING PEOPLE PUNCH IT OUT.

TOM CABLE: That’s not really my department, Jon.  I…

JON GRUDEN whirls to confront a figure who was trying to quietly sneak out the front door.

JON GRUDEN: HEY!  WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING, NUMBNUTS?

RICHIE INCOGNITO stops in his tracks.  His hands disappear as he hides a pair of items behind his back.

RICHIE: Uh, nowhere, coach.

JON GRUDEN: WHATCHA GOT THERE BEHIND YOUR BACK, RICHIE?

RICHIE INCOGNITO brings his hands forward, revealing a large black garbage bag and…

JON GRUDEN: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING? JESUS DID I JUST CATCH THE RICHMOND SWITCHYARD BUTCHER?

RICHIE: What?  No, coach!  It’s nothing like that!  You see, uh, this, uh…friend of mine had some leftover Thanksgiving turkey and we’re gonna cut up the carcass.

JON GRUDEN: [frowns]

RICHIE: We’re gonna use it to make some stock.

JON GRUDEN: STOCK, HUH?

[cut to…]

BILL O’BRIEN: …I’ve g-g-got to admit, Lawrence, this mortuary sector p-p-play you’re t-t-talking about has me very intrigued…

ANDY REID: [angrily] Short Peloton!  Short Peloton!

[cut back to RAIDERS SHARED HOUSE]

—

RICHIE: For soup, you know?  Hunter said he’s been getting tired of all those mashed peas.

[cut to HUNTER RENFROW’s room]

HUNTER RENFROW: [groans]

[cut back to LIVING ROOM]

—

JON GRUDEN: [softens] This guy Richie Incognito I call him Iceman cause despite everyone’s impression of him he’s actually a pretty good teammate.  BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE OFF THE HOOK.  UNTIL WE WIN ANOTHER GAME, ALL YOU JOKERS ARE GROUNDED.

TOM: Grounded? But I’ve got my custody hearing tomorrow!

DEREK: Grounded? But Underoath is playing with Pierce the Veil at the Ruby Room on Friday!

RICHIE: Grounded?  But they’re gonna bury my da…uh, I mean, but I’m gonna miss out on all the puss!

KOLTON: Grounded? But I’m almost out of chips!

JON GRUDEN: THAT’S RIGHT, BOYS, YOU’RE GROUNDED.  YOU BOYS HAVE ONE JOB FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS: WATCH FILM.  IF I FIND OUT THAT ONE OF YOU HAS LEFT THIS ROOM OTHER THAN TO EAT, SHIT, OR SLEEP YOU’RE GONNA BE FLYING HOT AIR BALLOONS WITH ANTONIO BROWN, YOU HEAR ME?

DEREK: Yes, coach.

RICHIE: Yes, coach.

KOLTON: Yes, coach.

TOM: Yes, Jon.

JON GRUDEN squints at them, points a finger, and then storms out of the room.  KOLTON MILLER settles back onto the couch and opens another bag of chips.  DEREK CARR and RICHIE INCOGNITO flop down next to him.  TOM CABLE heads over to the television set, then pauses and turns towards the others. 

TOM: You know, boys…he didn’t say what film we had to watch.

RICHIE, DEREK, and KOLTON all look up at him.

TOM: What do you say? You boys like Christmas movies?

—