NFL Nuggets:
- A regular offseason tradition was upheld last night as a Dallas Cowboy was arrested for a DUI.
- Wide receiver Ventell Bryant was stopped by Tampa police at approximately 2:30 a.m. after he was spotted driving with his headlights off.
- He failed a field sobriety test and his BAC was measured at .102 and .099.
- Wide receiver Ventell Bryant was stopped by Tampa police at approximately 2:30 a.m. after he was spotted driving with his headlights off.
- Michael Bennett would like to finish his career in Seattle.
- After being traded three times in two years, he’d like a chance to wrap up his career where it went best for him.
- Having had his value driven down over the last three years, he would come fairly cheap to a team in the middle of the salary cap gap.
- The latest Brady rumour: Tampa!
- Bruce Arians has had enough of 30-pick seasons, and wants someone who can lead the team now while he drafts & molds an eventual replacement.
- Dreamboat fits that agenda because he’s Tom Fucking Brady.
- According to the Tampa Bay Times, “this is the 67-year-old Arians, who has coached Ben Roethlisberger, Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer wanting to complete the set. This is an ownership with 45,000 or more empty seats at Raymond James Stadium to sell for eight Sundays, knowing one guy who can fill them.”
- They’ve also written about how Florida will also suit Gisele, because she’s Brazilian & Tampa has many diseases common to favelas.
- If that plan fails, then it’s on to Teddy Bridgewater.
- Bruce Arians has had enough of 30-pick seasons, and wants someone who can lead the team now while he drafts & molds an eventual replacement.
- An exciting time for draft mavens, as the list of compensatory picks has been released.
- Compensatory free agents are determined by a formula based on salary, playing time and postseason honors.
- What it comes down to is how many free agents did a team lose, how well did the player play after leaving, how much did he help that new team, and how much improved was that team’s record versus the previous year.
- Fifteen clubs qualified for 32 picks, which start at the end of the third round.
- Because God is cruel, the Patriots lead with four picks & 14 overall, followed by the Broncos, Texans, Vikings, Giants, Eagles and Seahawks with three.
- Compensatory free agents are determined by a formula based on salary, playing time and postseason honors.
Proposed rule changes!
- In advance of the annual NFL Spring meeting – which they have not yet indicated they will cancel – there are a number of rules teams would like introduced or changed: (text via nfl.com)
- The “fourth-and-15 from its own 25” onside kick option (proposed by Philadelphia).
- Modify the blindside block rule to prevent unnecessary fouls (proposed by Philadelphia).
- Make permanent the expansion of automatic replay reviews to include scoring plays and turnovers negated by a foul, and any successful or unsuccessful try attempt (proposed by Philadelphia).
- Restore preseason and regular season overtime to 15 minutes and implement rules to minimize the impact of the OT coin toss (proposed by Philadelphia).
- Provide the option to the defense for the game clock to start on the referee’s signal if the defense declines an offensive penalty that occurs late in either half (proposed by Miami).
- Add a “booth umpire” as an eighth game official to the officiating crew (proposed by Baltimore and the Los Angeles Chargers).
- A “sky judge” according to ESPN, that would use a total field perspective to review calls made on the field.
- Add a senior technology advisor to the referee to assist the officiating crew (proposed by Baltimore and the Los Angeles Chargers).
Finally, it looks like Gronk’s going to SummerSlam!
Thanks for the invite to the Beach Party @RobGronkowski … maybe you should come to our party in Boston … heard it’s the biggest of the summer. @StephMcMahon pic.twitter.com/eRQ8z0UmQI
— Triple H (@TripleH) February 1, 2020
Belichick looks thrilled to be amongst all those hew-mons. You know if Trips isn’t there he’s asking Steph what she’s doing after the boat docks.
Today’s Covid-19 fun is brought to you courtesy washyourlyrics.com.
Last night, Dok Zymm made the observation that “Covid-19” has the same lyrical pattern as “Come On Eileen”. Well, thanks to helpful sites on the internet (“The Internet – Not Just For Porn!”), you can see how long that song helps you stay safe.
It gets you right up to the start of the chorus. After that, it was Rabbit Hole Time!
Really, it’s fun to do with just about any song,
although the poster takes on a foreboding meaning the darker your lyrics get,
until you come to the realization that it is in fact you who are the disease.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, officer. I’m washing my hands to prevent disease.”
Oh, and just so you’re warned, DR. Trump will be “speaking to the nation” at 9:00PM ET tonight about his crisis response. Looks like Eric finally has something to do!
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Sharks at Blackhawks – 8:00PM | NBCSN
- Jets at Oilers – 9:00PM | Sportsnet
- NBA:
- Nuggets at Mavericks – 8:00PM | ESPN / Sportsnet1
- Pelicans at Kings – 10:30PM | ESPN / Sportsnet1
- NCAA:
- ACC Basketball Tournament:
- Notre Dame vs. Boston College – 7:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN
- Syracuse vs. North Carolina – 9:00PM | ESPN2 / TSN
- Big 12 Basketball Tournament:
- Oklahoma State vs. Iowa State – 7:00PM | ESPNU / TSN4
- TCU vs. Kansas State – 9:00PM | ESPNU / TSN4
- Big East Basketball Tournament:
- Georgetown vs. St. John’s – 7:00PM | FS1
- Xavier vs. DePaul – 9:30PM | FS1
- ACC Basketball Tournament:
- Wrasslin’:
- AEW Dynamite – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN2
- NXT – 8:00PM | USA
I originally had Death’s “Scream Bloody Gore” as the final poster, but the lyrics seemed a tad excessive for a fun little post. I guess I’ve evolved as a person.
Feels like a whole month just went by in an hour.
that’s a good way to put it
OR MAYBE the virus is a long con by Obama to finally teach people to sneeze into their sleeves.
just like he learned in Kenya obvs
Why do you think there are almost 0 cases in Africa? (taps forhead)
Diamond Joe now leads by 1.39% in WA. Watching those results trickle in might be all we’ve gots left for awhile.
I am still bubble-rooting for DePaul and Stanford, as if there might be games for the Shitty Wolves to play next week.
Still 900 bucks to fly to London right now. Fuckin greedy airlines.
Was coronavirus a bioweapon created by Gary Bettman to get revenge on the league that spurned him and finally take hockey to it’s rightful place in the sprots world: 3rd place!?
JFC gobert was the one who tested positive
An historic fuck up transcending the sport. Gotta respect it
You’d think a virus that spreads through human contact wouldn’t be a danger in Utah.
Comment I saw on the ESPN page: “Gobert for DPOY, he shut down all 30 teams at the same time.”
The winner in all this is the Banner Madness tournament, possibly the only tournament to be completed in March of this year?
Can we GAMBLOR on it now????
/asking FOAR a friend obvs
I will be accepting* bets
*: but not paying out winners
I will also be accepting bets. Sorry, I mean bribes.
No reason the women’s tourney won’t wrap up.
Spurs Playoff streak remains intact!
Well at least, in these trying times of crisis, we’ve got a steady, even-keeled, highly experienced president in [reads from notes] Donald Trum–oh.
I mean, being an “adult in the room” can be of any ideology. Gov. Inslee (D-WA) and Gov. DeWine (R-OH) both seem to be acting proactively, in terms of public health.
NBA just suspended
This will be the last hockey night too for awhile me thinks.
Flyers we’re gonna win the cup. Novel was a yinzer plot
Sadly I think you’re right
if they suspend the Premiership…Liverpool will have won exactly fuckall this Lesser Footy season
Will Mighty Whitey get promoted????????
that’s the kicker – do they still promote and relegate?
/I would have home-and-home playoffs between the current bottom 3 in Prem, and top 3 in C’ship, that seems fairest to me
Another chance to kill Villa. Challenge accepted.
NOOO, the Cherries are on the cusp to stay up!
Geez o’ Pete
Cspan kept filming the child after he signed off
https://mobile.twitter.com/knoweyedentity/status/1237910275946405888
In other darkest timeline news
I have seen her in a few films and the next scene is her swallowing that big microphone.
Holy shit. On a scale of 1-Jordan Belfort and Donnie Azoff fighting with a phone cord, just how high is the president right now. Dude sounds like they shot him in the neck with a tranq dart!
Judging by those eyelids, he died sometime last week
Futures down, internet porns up
Erect, if you will.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson positive for coronavirus.
Shouldn’t’ve gone to that volcano smh
I think that’s misleading. I’m sure there are a bunch of other threats/issues/problems he’s mishandled over the last two weeks.
The money did not feel like he did a good job addressing its concerns
TRUMP VOTERS: He was sent by God!
GOD: [sends plague]
TRUMP VOTERS: Sent. By. God.
Can’t wait for the tweet later about how badly written Jared’s speech was
Back to Lucha Bros
PHEW. Thank God the money’s safe
Sound it out, Donald
Goddamn, he sucks at reading aloud.
Trump looks like a political cartoon of Trump
I mean, he pretty much is such.
Glad it wasn’t just me. I was ready to change the colors on my tv thinking they were off
How did Kennedy from MTV news end up a right wing shill?
For the budding black plague prepper, I recommend protein/meal replacement bars and venison jerky. Tastes decent enough that you will actually eat it all eventually, lasts forever, takes up minimal storage capacity.
I’ll wait for yeah right’s Doomsday Sunday Gravy post. no ofense
oooooh, good point!
Learning a lot this week about the disparity between how Americans respond to actual threats compared to just perceived ones. When an actual plague rolls through, They’ll be clinging to their Gadsden flags while denying the existence of the bacteria that wiped out their family
stupid imgur.
In spite of his smashed and painful face, tWBS just learned that The Airborne Toxic Event is playing Charlotte in June. I’ve been trying to see them for years at the El Rey in LA. Timing never worked out. Now they come here. Nice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2fTAQ_bKuU
Stephen Miller: “Okay, during your speech we’re going to co-opt the left. I need you to go out there and tell the people that, regarding the Coronavirus, ‘We will overcome!’ Got that?”
Trump: [distractedly] “‘Overcome!’ Sure. Got it.”
Trump: [speaking to the nation] “Everyone needs a Comb-Over!”
Miller: [sighs, goes back to drawing board]*
*drawing board consists of random stick figures dying in a hellfire
wait wait wait – they aren’t gonna have cheerleaders and dance teams at tourney games??
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQ1ogv41A3E
Senor’s Johnnie Cakes on a run!
This is how I see DFO going down at some point (relax, just a joke….I think).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zydRe1CtZRs
(SPOILERS to Trump’s speech)
Trump: “I’ve signed an Executive Order outlawing the Coronavirus. All those infected are hereby ordered to get well immediately.”
You forgot – P.S. – suck it, libtards!!!111
Oh and PPS Inordertoensureoursecurityandcontinuingstability,theRepublicwillbereorganizedintothefirstGalacticEmpire,forasafeandsecuresociety.
And PPPS
We have decided to keep all voting places in Blue States and minority districts closed until Dec 1st. Suck it Biden.
“And I have contracted the Soylent Corporation to handle the transfer of the sick to government approved medical facilities.”
If we make viruses illegal, only criminals will have them!
According to a government site I visited earlier today, it’s spreading as slowly and assuredly as maple syrup on toast.
Gus Johnson and the “Onions!” guy, I shall likely just watch Big East hoopsball, once NC State’s season ends tomorrow afternoon.
Mother health update: she has a golfball-sized cyst in her mysterious lady parts and her gallbladder may be on the fritz. Due to health insurance reasons, she has to wait a week for the insurance to approve before they can do something about it.
Surprisingly, she still remains Republican because she says if Bernie Sanders’ health care is approved, they wouldn’t remove the gallbladder because its not inflamed. Even though whenever she eats anything that has any fat in it, she goes into extreme pain. I would’ve used this moment to debate her on how Trump isn’t a good person and it would be un-Christian to follow her, but she was on Percocet and Hydrocodone so she probably wouldn’t remember the conversation.
My family continues to accept your prayers, well wishes and fat-free crackers if you can find some.
First of all, best of luck to Mama Redshirt. Hope she recovers.
Secondly, be warned, because Hippo is going to break into her house in about seven hours.
I was gonna say, you had me at “multiple opiates”
Hippo is on his way to Cinci as we speak.
So I did something stupid earlier today, something I damned sure knew better than to do. But I did it anyway. And it resulted in me smashing my face up again.
Now, it’s not as if my face is anything wonderful. Those of you who have met me know this.
But I’ve been bleeding for hours, probably should go get stitches actually. And now have two more teeth which are going to have to be rebuilt.
Just trying to see your hot dental surgeon lady, we see RIGHT THROUGH YEWWWW
She’s a Carolina grad. Hot but, ya know….
It’ll be a liquid diet for the next few days. My face hurts. Who wants to make me some soup?
/remembers she does give out the pain pills
After 4 hours they won’t give you stitches.
If I have learned anything in my time on earth is that only snitches get stiches. Yew ain’t a snitch is you?
NC State and ECU both get an extra week of Spring Break, and doing online classes the rest of the semester. I am reasonably sure there will be at least one murder in our household.
Also, my throat hurts like fire, I will let y’all noe if’n I die.
If (IF) a commentist ever dies, are we going to treat it like the quuen of england and put a moratorium on humor for a week?
But laughing about death is the bestest of all humoUr!!
this pretty much how I feel, I have plenty of life insurance so who really gives a fuck?
Yep, I’m worth moar dead than alive.
How will we ever know?
At least one of you know my real name. Once they hear it on the national news, I’m certain they share it to the Commentstrait.
I am very uncomfortable knowing my imaginary friends’ Christian names
the smell, always the smell
Me: [answers phone]
Guy: [very politely] “Yes, I’d like to order bulk kidney beans, lentils, split yellow peas, rice, navy beans, soy beans, peanuts, distilled water. About $5,000 worth.”
Me: “We can do that for you. But first we’ll need you to fill out a form so that we have your name, address and method of payment.”
Guy: [angrily] “SO THAT IT CAN SIT ON YOUR FUCKING DESK FOR A WEEK? I DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME!”
Me: [hangs up]
/he called back afterwards and talked all nice, nice to the office staff. He’s a full-blown “These Are The End Times”-er and he needs all this stuff yesterday.
heh, beans.
Well with that menu, the atmosphere in that house will have them wanting to die.
I don’t know why people are counting Bernie Sanders out. He’s a 78-year old man; this ain’t his first movement to come to an unexpected halt. Give him some Metamucil and a bowl of prunes and he’ll be back on track.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ia4Dcrs9-lo
Whose birthdate is closer to the Lincoln assassination than to today.
Today’s date March 11.
Lincoln died April 15
Trump birthday June 14 <———-
Sanders September 8.
Biden birthday November 20
Lincoln assassination – 1865
Sanders born – 1941
76 years.
He is currently 79 years old.
Oh, I thought you meant Calendar date. Oops.
Meh.
Wheel of Fortune has their trip prize in Italy.
Yeah, but think of all the room you’ll have!
Guess who’s advancing in Shempions League? NAWT LIVERPOOL WOO!!!!
Teams That I Cheer For:*
1. NAWT PATRIOTS
2. NAWT TAR HEELS
3. NAWT MAPLE LEAFS
4. NAWT BLUE DEVILS
5. NAWT HOYAS
6. NAWT COWBOYS
*nawt a comprehensive list
y’all need to do a good tonight
We can’t handle their athleticism and Roy has Nose Picker’s number. It ain’t happening.
It’s ever so reassuring that this administration’s plan to deal with the coronavirus is to throw tax cuts at it.
Tax cuts that will rob from Social Security, so the old people who get sick won’t be able to afford the medicine to get better.
If you’re old, and all you have is social security, then you just shouldn’t’ve gotten sick! Personal responsibility people!
Exactly. Greatest fucking generation.
Yes, totally sing Raining Blood at the public washroom.
What am I going to sing when I go #2 now?!
Scream Bloody Gore.
Was he a Dem candidate this time?
We braved Costco twice today. The first time, within a half hour of opening – it was such a zoo that we abandoned our cart and went home. The second time was just now, and it surprisingly wasn’t that bad. There was no toilet paper left, but it wasn’t too different than a typical “busy” Costco day.
We went to Costco on Sunday, and maybe it’s because of the high percentage of Asians who live in that neighbourhood, but we were in & out in 15 minutes because of how empty it was. I felt invincible.
Went last night and has the same experience. the usual busy but no toilet paper to be found. Most of the paper towels and tissues were gone too