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Hello Lesser Footy fans!
Welcome to the start of Match day 34 in the EPL.
We have 3 games on today’s menu and all are extremely important.
Match 1A: The Relegation Bowl (1PM EST)
This is a match between two teams that have a combined 1 tie and 9 losses over their last 10. The Canaries can prolong the inevitable by winning. This will be an arduous task because the Canaries have won six points on the road all season. Furthermore, the Canaries have scored one goal on the road since January 2020.
As for the Moosehornets, they have lost twice at their home stadium since December–and have beaten Manchester United, Wolves and the Dirty LiVARpoolians during that same time.
Why this game could be good:
This could be a good game because not only are both teams fighting to ensure they stay in the EPL (an automatic £50 million loss if they are relegated), but the players are also auditioning their talents to get signed by a team that doesn’t get relegated. (See: Cantwell, Pukki, Decoure, etc). Furthermore, the Canaries have matches against Chelsea, Burnley and Manchester City, so, if they want to avoid relegation, they must win this match.
Meanwhile the Moosehornets can have some breathing room by picking up the win. Watford too must win because it’s going to be tough to attain points in their next two matches against Man Shitty and the Arseholes.
Prediction: Moosehornets win an entertaining 2-1 match that is filled with a comedy of errors.
Match 1B: The fight for the Final 4 (1PM EST)
Chelski is one of four teams that are fighting for the final two spots to get an automatic Champion’s League berth. (I don’t trust or believe FIFA will stick to their guns with punishing Man Shitty). Meanwhile, Palace is surprisingly still in the hunt for a Europa league shot, albeit a faint one. Chelski have won 4 out of 5, while Palace have lost 3 out of their last 5.
Why this game could be good:
Despite being in poor form, this is a London Derby, so people shouldn’t count Palace out. Also, Chelski plays a pretty entertaining style of lesser footy. Moreover, the final 2 spots to enter in the Champion’s league are all that’s really left to play for (that truly matters). Chelski must win this match, or else they’ll find themselves possibly in 5th and possibly only 2 points up on 6th place Wolves. There could be lots of goals scored.
Prediction: As much as I want to believe this is the game Palace wakes up and Zaha has a great game, that ain’t happening. Chelski is going to win 3-1.
Match 3: The Fight for the Final 4 part 2: Electric Boogaloo (3:15PM EST)
It’s hard to believe that around Christmas time, Leicester was in second place and they still had a shot at catching the Scousers. Now, the Foxes look more vulnerable that a minor at an Epstein yacht party. So much so, out of all the teams that have a top 4 spot, most have picked Leicester to drop out of the top 4. Meanwhile, the Arseholes have looked pretty good since January 1st. Trust me, their fans will show you this:
The thing about the Arseholes is that while they may have a good record in 2020, they’ve looked beatable in matches they have won and gloriously shit the bed against Brighton.
Why this game could be good:
Both teams are desperate for the 3 points. A loss could see the Foxes only hold 4th due to goal differential and only 3 points back of 6th place. Meanwhile, the Arsholes can close the gap to a Europa shot, with an outside shot at still getting a Champ—I’m sorry, I can’t finish that with a straight face.
This is a YUGE game.
Prediction: As a United fan, it feels weird rooting for the Arseholes, again. As much as I want to believe what the Arsehole supporters (aka: The Shitstains) are selling, they’re probably going to choke because that’ll screw United over.
Foxes win 1-0.
Enjoy the games!
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