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"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

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Your “Something Approaching Normalcy” Thursday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

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NFL Notes:

  • Following Edmonton’s lead, Washington will go by the nom de plume “Football Team” until they decide on a new name & logo. 
    • And, starting tomorrow, they will begin the process of “retiring all Redskins branding from team properties,” including FedEx Field and Redskins Park.
      • They hope to be entirely rid of it on physical and digital spaces in the next 50 days, by the Sept. 13 regular-season opener against the Philadelphia Eagles.
    • It’s no Kraken!

  • Antonio Brown, as expected, has walked back his retirement announcement, instead choosing to demand the league decide his fate RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
    • “The fact that you refuse to provide a deadline and the reason for the fact you won’t resolve your investigations is completely unacceptable,” Brown wrote on Instagram. “I demand you provide me clarity on this situation immediately if you really care about my wellbeing. My legal team continues to ask and you provide no answers.”
      • “[I] Need an update so I can talk to these teams properly, they’re waiting on you @nfl let’s get this thing moving! We’ve got history to make!! #Himmothy.”
  • No terms released, but ESPN says Mike Zimmer has agreed to a contract extension with the Vikings.
    • It makes sense, considering Zimmer is the third-winningest head coach in team history, with a record of 57-38-1 (.599), and has taken the Vikings to the postseason in three of the past six years (2015, 2017 and 2019).
      • Bud Grant is, obviously, the king, with a record of 168-108-5. Dennis Green is second at 101-70-0.

Finally, NFL.com has a long-form piece on Marshawn Lynch’s return to Seattle late last season.

  • It discusses the hurt feelings and the fence mending that took place to make it happen.
    • Remember – “Start taking care of y’all mentals, y’all bodies and y’all chicken”.
  • It’s surprisingly balanced, given that the league’s dot-com is usually a mouthpiece for whatever the league needs to be said.

Tonight’s … entertainment?:

  • MLB Opening Day:
    • New York Yankees at Washington Nationals – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN4
    • San Francisco Giants at Los Angeles Dodgers – 10:00PM | ESPN / TSN4
    • Blue Jays Classics – 1993 World Series Game #6 – 8:00PM | Sportsnet
      • “Touch ’em all, Joe…”
  • NASCAR Cup Series:
    • Kansas 400 – 7:30PM | NBCSN / TSN
      • The Kansas 400 from Kansas Speedway in Kansas City.
  • MLS is Back Tournament:
    • Los Angeles Galaxy vs. Houston Dynamo – 8:00PM | FS1 / TSN5
    • Los Angeles FC vs. Portland Timbers – 10:30PM | ESPN2 / TSN5

I guess with the return of baseball I can retire my temporary use of “… entertainment?” as a header, since we are beginning a run where there will be at least two major league sports every night. But how can I ceremonially delete something so profound?

Thanks, big man.

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Senor Weaselo

2020: Opening Day game gets called due to ark on the field.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, remember the aardvark?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s not even good to the high as fuck.

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Mr. Ayo

Great restraint on their behalf to save the ants and termites.

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scotchnaut

I remember that game when Pedro Martinez threw Tommy Lasorda to the ground. It was hilarious!

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Unsurprised

Speaking of Comic Con
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WCS

Is that Olivia Wilde?

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Unsurprised

Brie Larson

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I lost all my Great White cards in a fire.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THAT is the fucking joke we are looking for, peoples!!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All my Warrant cards got seized by the Feds.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This pun brought Thunder.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

She’s married? Damn it. I never win….

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WAS married.

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Horatio Cornblower

Yeah.

Now she’s dead.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He died first…. from lead poisoning. Come on PAL, get with the nostalgia.

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scotchnaut

WAS or (Not Was)?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HO1smGnTpbY

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Disney’s newest movie, which is about an ape that talks to some sort of dog in between doodling pictures of bugs demonstrating his desire for freedom, is “based on a true story” in that, yes, there are in fact animals called apes.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Damnit.

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scotchnaut

The Good: Live Sports!

The Bad: Fucking car and pickup truck commercials. I did not miss you one bit, fuckers.

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WCS

Wait till the NFL comes back, just in time for Christmas car commercials!
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Horatio Cornblower

Oooh, I can’t wait to catch up with that couple where the hot wife takes the black pick-up away from her husband!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

There’s no better evidence that the insurance industry needs to be reined the fuck in if not just eliminated completely in favor of something else than weekends in the fall.

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Gratliff

WSJ’s editorial board has announced that its operation will not give into the pressure of cancel culture. They also refuse to bend in the face of compassion, conscience, or humanity, as has long been their policy.

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Redshirt

Did they ironically fire someone who complained about the policy?

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Senor Weaselo

I would’ve expected it to be unironic.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog

power moves only by the LA Teachers Union
Seems legit….

https://twitter.com/machineiv/status/1283453305943805952

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Unsurprised

Fuck yeah

1
Redshirt

They really need to change “Defund the Police” to something else. The GOP can twist that to scare voters.

We can’t let Trump get a 2nd term.

1
Gratliff

Possible alternatives: abolish, banish, prosecute, rend asunder

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Redshirt

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EDIT: I am amenable to “prosecute”.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Invincible? Like Mark Wahlberg?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No, like the Lassie show.

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Horatio Cornblower

If Mark Wahlberg and a moose had been on those jets, the terrorists never would have won.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If the Wahlbergs were like Lassie then after the first few died and were replaced with lookalikes, maybe we’d get one that wasn’t a complete fucking asshole.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Pfft. They’re all from Mass. Worse, from Dorchester. They’d have to relocate geographically to Des Moines or someplace similar.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t be a bitch; they got Lassies from different kennels.

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scotchnaut

“Trust us Moose, as far as we’re concerned, you don’t want to go down that well.”

-Multiple Lassies

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Do you have any change?

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scotchnaut

“Not as much as I’d promised.”

-Obama

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“We’ll change THAT.”

-D.T.

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Horatio Cornblower

The problem is that the American attention span doesn’t allow for “defund the police doesn’t mean abolish it just means shifting funds in such a way that instead of giving the police money to maintain themselves as a paramilitary organization we give it to education, mental health, family services, and the like, allowing those groups to do the jobs that we otherwise dump on an overwhelmed and ill-trained police, while allowing the police to do what they do best, which is harass kids for underage drinking, writing speeding tickets, and otherwise scratching their balls until they collect and almost entirely undeserved pension at 45. Oh, and ‘defund’ also definitely means that their pensions are ebing swapped out for a 401K, like every other person in America.”

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Redshirt

On the flip side, when you remodel your house you don’t say “destroy the house”. Destroying is technically what you are doing, but that’s so it can be rebuilt into something else.

Same here, you are reducing the funds, which is considered a form of defunding. However, defunding could mean “completely remove funds”, which Trump/GOP can use to support his scare tactics.

Remember, these idiots feel for Trump bullshit once before. They can do it again. Never underestimate stupidity.

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Horatio Cornblower

I have absolutely no faith in the America electorate. If the economy has rebounded and Covid has been reined in by November I’m afraid Trump has a good chance of getting another four years despite spending the last four years showing that he’s completely unfit for office.

If the economy is still tits up and Covid has come around for a second wave the Trump will be out on his ample ass, despite Biden having spent the last 40 years demonstrating that he’s absolutely the wrong man for the job.

I could go on, but what’s the point? Biden’s a shit candidate but Trump’s a psychopathic racist. I’ll vote for Biden, hope Trump shits all over himself and the election enough to give the Dems the Senate so that Ginsburg can take a fucking hint and resign, then hope that Biden resigns for “health reasons” in his first term and whatever younger, female, African-America VP he has can get a running start at fixing shit before 2024.

Or I’ll just move to Norway; Dad’s been fucking around on Ancestry and it turns out we’re partially Norwegian.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Rosicrucians—some mind-over-matter guys, right? I called them to come over do a welding job, they never showed up.

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scotchnaut

“You’re getting worked up again, honey. Just, shhhh. [pats bed] Just lie down and try to go to sleep.”

-Captcha

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Gumbygirl

My paternal grandparents were Irish born, I can get citizenship. And I might.

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Gratliff

It’s noteworthy that there were some polls out there showing public support for “Defund” being over 30%, and by this point, most people have forgotten about the conversation outside of “Did Biden say defund? I don’t think he did. Boy, things sure are stupid.”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

It’s so great that UC Berkeley gave this fucking war criminal tenure instead of a million kicks to the ballbag until he landed in the San Francisco Bay.

https://newrepublic.com/article/158589/john-yoo-twisted-path-trumpism

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Horatio Cornblower

This Dodgers’ pitcher’s haircut is clearly a ginger’s homage to Oscar Gamble
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and I am all about it!

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Redshirt

HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU MISS THE FIRST PITCH OF THE SEASON, ESPN?!?!?!

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Horatio Cornblower

“Oh, trust me, it’s pretty easy.”

Angel Hernandez

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WCS

But, but, but, they’ve got 45 segments on NBA reopening news! Don’t you want you to know what the New Orleans Pelicans’ backups are planning on dealing with life the bubble?!

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Gratliff

The same way the rest will: instagram thots and prostitutes

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Senor Weaselo

It wasn’t LeBron?

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scotchnaut

The best Mookie was Blaylock. Change my mind.

3
ballsofsteelandfury

You are 1000% correct

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montythisseemsstrangetome

You don’t follow instructions very well, balls.

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Horatio Cornblower

“You don’t follow instructions very well, balls.”

Me, in between frantic apologies to another disappointed young woman.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

The best Mookie was is and always will be Wilson.

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Horatio Cornblower

Let’s see if I’m allowed back in tonight

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Horatio Cornblower

Captcha likes me! it really likes me!

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montythisseemsstrangetome

The rest of us remain undecided.

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scotchnaut

I thought Captcha was the name of his wife…

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Horatio Cornblower

If only it were “undecided”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

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Sharkbait

I thought there were rules about posting porn here

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WCS

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rockingdog

found a funny:

yeah, we r a non-traditional family. instead of naming our dog, we let him name us. I’m Woof, this is my husband Woof, & these r Woof & Woof

3
Viva La Tabula Raza

One of those damn kids should have been named Yip.

2
Redshirt

Bill & Ted Face the Music’s new trailer is out. The graphics are very good, but it still doesn’t explain how the end of Bogus Journey plays out. It does involve their kids, so it looks like it’ll be a bunch of callbacks with a father-daughter adventure thing. Hopefully it’ll be more like Excellent Adventure which was fun moving from one thing to the next instead of Bogus Journey which was dark and at times plodding. It’ll probably be one of those “Not Good…But It Meant Well” movies.

Either way, good for Keanu Reeves for doing this because he doesn’t have to do it, but it looks like he’s actually trying instead of phoning it in, even though his voice is too deep to play Ted. It would be like watching Will Smith play “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” Will Smith. Its too jarring and he’s moved on too far from the role.

And good for Alex Winter for doing this because per his IMDb page, it looks like he really needs a job.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

And I guess good for Keanu for doing something like this to help out Alex. Kinda like when Townshend and Daltrey kept touring to float Entwistle’s lifestyle and lack of financial sense.

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Senor Weaselo

Are we ever going to say that we don’t want more Keanu Reeves?

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Can I get his voice to be Alexa’s voice? Or that lady in my Lexus that always says “Pardon?”

2
Beerguyrob

YOU SHUT YOUR FILTHY WHORE MOUTH!!1!1!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Will Smith could be Uncle Phil in the Fresh Prince reboot

0
WCS

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Wifey’s in the mood, even said she’ll put on some goddess jewelry. The girls, however, remain a perpetual cockblock.

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Don T

Kids are the worst. Herod needs a revisionist historian.

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Horatio Cornblower

They’re never too young for a couple of shots of bourbon in their sippy cups.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I think my parents subscribed to the same newsletter.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo

So on MLB’s opening day we have:

1) Clayton Kershaw going on the IL and missing the opener
2) Faruci making a farcical first pitch only bested by 50 cent
3) Juan Soto testing positive for covid19 and out for at least a week
4) A rain delay to the first game

And there’s still another game! Take a bow Manfred!

2
Redshirt

Kershaw was fined $500 for that car commercial because per the manager, “IT NOT [his] [expletive] JOB TO PLAY DEFENSE!!!!”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Authorities mistakenly put out an Amber alert for Ben Shapiro not realizing he was a thirty-something scumfuck

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Mr. Ayo

I knew this detachable penis had a downside.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ah; your Siamese twin brother Richard lives in Las Vegas!

0
ArmedandHammered

I just keep wondering how he got it out of the store? Like prison contraband or just down the leg of his shorts. And if the latter, just how many dates he got walking down the street.

3
Gratliff

JNCOs are back, baby

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Alex Trebek’s 80th birthday today, here he is looking super suave while vacationing in Jamaica back in the 1970s

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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photo of him back when he was working as a CBC radio presenter in 1970.

2
Gumbygirl

He’s got a Weekend at Bernie’s vibe here, but I’d still hit it.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

“I musht be dreaming.”comment image

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Redshirt

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If there are Ice Cream Trucks that go to subdivisions for the kids, why can’t there be a Beer Truck that does the same thing for adults?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, you have to order ahead like takeout, but just seeing their home delivery truck Pavlov’d me.

https://applejack.com/

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Day 24 with no alcohol. I look forward to the arrival of the Beer Truck.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How are you feeling? Better?

1
montythisseemsstrangetome

I’ve definitely felt better the past couple weeks, yes, thank you for asking, Moose

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Good!

2
Redshirt

Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to mess with you. Keep it up and enjoy a nice root beer float.

1
montythisseemsstrangetome

Not at all, Redshirt, I’m enjoying my beer and liquor vicariously through all you good people.

4
Redshirt

Jeez, you must be vicariously twelve sheets to the wind.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

I dont think but you could ghghghssshhh HEY FUCK YOU I’m not as hngjkyhgz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4
Redshirt

…and cue the lightning! That’s 2020!

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LemonJello

Rain of fire, blood or frogs?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I think my copy was of an earlier printing. I like the one you posted better though.comment image

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And it still ties in with everything 2020, which was the intent.

2
Viva La Tabula Raza

Also: look at the difference in cover price.

1
Horatio Cornblower

“Something wicked this way comes” is also how I announce to my wife that our coitus is nearly complete.

She’s leaving me for a mute.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Lie! You can only get to “So….. “

1
LemonJello

Expanded playoff format seems…interesting ?

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Dude nails the essence of shop-lifting, no question about it.

3
Redshirt

“Cleveland Indians to meet with Native Americans to talk about concerns with name.”

Anyone got a map or an atlas, because I can clear up their confusion in about a minute?

4
LemonJello

Hopefully the front office negotiators will have some gifts, like blankets or other trinkets to present to the tribes.

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Brick Meathook

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Horatio Cornblower

I have some reservations about how this is going to work.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Should work out well, especially if they hold the meeting in Montana.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Bighorn_Battlefield_National_Monument

0
LemonJello

Can we get A-hole’s mic cut off?

1
Mr. Ayo

Why stop there?

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LemonJello

It’s early in the season?

1
Redshirt

ESPN: “That’s his 10th strikeout, but he’s given up four runs and an homerun.”
Me: “Than maybe he should layoff the fastballs and try throwing some sliders and curveballs to substitute some of those strikeout and runs with putouts.”

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice.

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rockingdog

LOL

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Senor Weaselo

Jesus Christ, Angel Hernandez is in midseason form, that strike 3 to Gardy was what, 8 inches outside?

3
SonOfSpam

Worst thing right now: Angel Hernandez’s horrid strike zone judgment or you using “Gardy”?

1
Senor Weaselo

I claim Dirt Giants fan privilege!

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Clam Beach Giants.

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Unsurprised

That name is an insult to all the pop warner teams in D.C. that could beat the REDACTEDS

2
herodotus450

Pitchers can use a “League Sanctioned Wet Rag” on the mound, only question is, how did they know where I hide it?

2
herodotus450

Same baseball talking guy now says that the best pitchers are stubborn, arrogant assholes who give up a lot of home runs. Makes sense!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Seems legit.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Balls of Chaos are, as befits the St. Kilda Saints of the Marble League, in 10th place.

0
Mr. Ayo

Team Momo making a comeback!

3
ballsofsteelandfury

That was pretty amazing on that photo finish!

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, I thought he was talking porn.

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Senor Weaselo

Meanwhile, the Oceanics in another water event.

1
herodotus450

Baseball talking guy is not a fan of taking a knee… while catching, for some reason.

2
Sharkbait

I thought ESPN fired Shilling into the sun

2
LemonJello

What could the sun have done to deserve that?

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herodotus450

Pretty soon they’re gonna have to remove the “Washington” part of the name, too, because of George’s poor dental hygiene, and then “District of Columbia” will be changed because the concept of separating things into districts is considered discriminatory.

1
Unsurprised

I’ve been unleashed at work.

FEAR ME!

4
Don T

More?

2
Fronkenshteen

Hey! A special FUCK YOU to ESPN and all it’s shareholding scumfucks for making viewing the major league opener, at a time when they should be BEGGING for viewers, virtually IMPOSSIBLE to watch or listen to for SLING customers. Really solid work. Goodbye.

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Unsurprised

The worldwide leader in crap

1
Brick Meathook

. . . and all it’s shareholding scumfucks . . .

Which is everybody

3
Senor Weaselo

Considering it’s Disney, yes.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Porky Prime

God damn it really? I have Sling and I was just driving home to check in on opening day.

I might have to finally dump Sling. Still it’s not as bad as me forgetting to turn off auto renew for DAZN.

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Isn’t Sling the one with the ads with Offernan and that lady from Will & Grace as the creepy wife swapping couple? Those ads always skeeved me out.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, I like them too.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Anyway, how was you Thursday?

6
Viva La Tabula Raza

Unfortunately, it was fried-chicken-less.

2
Don T

Well, my phone just became 5% Moose. Diversity!

2
Don T

/will have sent JFC to my cousin by next week

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I remember being absolutely mortified watching this scene on the video for the first time, with my 60+ y.o. parents. Dad, not a big problem, he’s always been a crude fucker. But MOM? That was a bit embarrassing.

2
Mr. Ayo

Oh, that’s how you keep your tris so toned Mom.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s surprising that stop motion dolls would get her that hot.

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Now that you mention it, she did seem a bit agitated when I was a kid and she watched Thunderbirds over my shoulder.comment image

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Washington…FUCK THEM! Comin’ to lose the motherfuckin’ game yeah!”

5
Viva La Tabula Raza

HA HA, fuck you, ya giant orange colostomy bag!
https://www.rawstory.com/2020/07/in-defiance-of-trump-every-player-took-a-knee-at-mlb-return/

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Excellent.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Even Kurt Suzuki?

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

They just flip down the kickstand.

2
Porky Prime

Just remember….

…this one time…

…Porky got it more or less correct.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

On Tonight’s … entertainment?:?

0
Porky Prime

I figured they would just go nameless for a stretch. Its funneh though that using the word “Team” instead of “Club” as a descriptor instantly makes the act more cheap and generic. But, it is Washington Football in a nutshell I guess.

4
WCS

Washington Football Team is still a better name than Houston Texans. Of course, the latter isn’t an actual team, so…

8
Porky Prime

Houston Texans? Is that something you created on Madden? Quit being weird…

4
Viva La Tabula Raza

Google results vary, but there are apparently 22-30 cities named Washington around the USA. Maybe they’re trying to broaden their fanbase as well as satisfy popular opinion.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tony Fauci, keeps it clean in the laboratory, but gets filthy on the mound.
–

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“STEEEEEERIKE!!”

-NYY owned ump.

3
Senor Weaselo

I wouldn’t say Angel Hernandez is a NYY-owned up, but I would say that he called it a strike. And probably did, considering he’s the ump behind the plate.

1
Sharkbait

Still better than 50 cent

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Meh, he’s almost 80. Plus, science geek.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

Thieved this from someone’s twitter comment that was posted elsewhere on a website of dissent.

Dr. Fauci has devoted his every waking hour to preventing people from catching something, and he’s not about to break character for you assholes.

4
Redshirt

Well, Washington’s new name sort of makes sense. The previous one insulted all Native Americans by calling them all a racist slur. The new one insults all football players by implying they play for Washington.

6
Porky Prime

I think it insults other players by implying Washington plays as a team. But I suppose “Washington Collection of Bad Draft Picks and Contracts” doesn’t look too good stenciled on a heather gray t-shirt.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

I’d wear that shirt, tho

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