Welcome to The Maestro’s newest series! Over the next few months, we’re going to be following in the footsteps of famed Dutch sociologist G.J. Renier, a brilliant man who tried, and failed, to understand English society and its myriad peculiarities and ridiculousness. Of all the nations in the world, I believe it’s fair to say that England, and by extension, its command over both the United Kingdom and the British Empire, has by far the silliest and strangest history of all places on earth. Let’s see if we can figure out the root causes behind what makes the English the most baffling, backwards people on the planet. 

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Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for one, they can’t even tell animals and people apart.

THE HARTLEPOOL MONKEY HANGERS

Date: Early 19th century (precise date unknown)

Location: Hartlepool, County Durham

In the early 1800s, the UK was at war with Napoleon and the First French Empire. As the French general swept through the continent, the Royal Navy did its best to blockade and sink any French ships they could possibly hit. Economic warfare hit France hard, but it still took fifteen years for the infamous French emperor to finally be defeated once and for all. Thus, our story, our story begins, amidst a backdrop of warfare and mistrust.

One day, a French ship known as a chasse-marée, typically a type of vessel used in fishing or trading, was wrecked and sunk in a storm off the coast of Hartlepool. The entire crew drowned – all but one, that is. The ship’s mascot, a monkey, washed ashore in the wreck, much to the bewilderment and surprise of the fishermen who were on the beach. According to legend, the monkey was dressed in a miniature French military uniform, in order to entertain the crew.

Upon the sight and sound of the chattering monkey in gaudy clothing, the locals, who apparently had never seen neither a monkey nor a Frenchman of any kind, took it upon themselves to have a trial. As the monkey couldn’t answer their questions – and due to the assumption that his incessant nattering was merely speaking French – the locals determined the unfortunate ape to be a French spy. And as we all know, the punishment for being found as a spy was to be put to death.

Upon the passing of the sentence, the monkey was hanged on the beach.

Naturally, this is hilarious. Whether or not it’s true is another question – but the story has become so popular that it’s become a local legend. A few variants exist – in one version, it was actually a young boy who washed ashore, and his job as “powder-monkey” (priming cannons with gunpowder) was misunderstood in re-tellings. Another possibility is that the more urban, industrial, and “cultured” residents of West Hartlepool, then a rapidly-expanding industrial town, used the story to make fun of their more rural, uneducated and uncouth Old Hartlepool neighbors thanks to the popularization of a song written by 19th-century comic Ned Corvan.

In former times, mid war an’ strife,
The French invasion threatened life,
An’ all was armed to the knife,
The Fishermen hung the Monkey O!
The Fishermen wi’ courage high,
Seized on the Monkey for a spy,
“Hang him” says yen, says another,”He’ll die!”
They did, and they hung the Monkey O!.
They tried every move to make him speak,
They tortor’d the Monkey till loud he did squeak
Says yen, “That’s French,” says another “it’s Greek”
For the Fishermen had got drunky, O!
“He’s all ower hair!” sum chap did cry,
E’en up te summic cute an’ sly
Wiv a cod’s head then they closed an eye,
Afore they hung the Monkey O!

In 1999, local football club Hartlepool United FC created a mascot called “H’Angus the Monkey” in order to capitalize on the town’s history of simian torture. One of the men who donned the H’Angus costume, Stuart Drummond, was even elected mayor of Hartlepool three times in a row. His campaign slogan was “free bananas for schoolchildren”, which despite being unable to keep, still won him immense popularity both in and out of costume. Unfortunately, while carrying out his official duties as mayor, he was not allowed to wear the costume.

Rugby union club Hartlepool Rovers’ official logo is a monkey in a beret, hanging from a noose while rugby league club Hartlepool RFC features a similar logo.

There have been a number of recent adaptations of the story in film, TV, radio, books, comics, music and stage plays, all of which have been well-received. The hanging monkey story, initially meant to mock and insult the town of Hartlepool, has become a beloved institution and part of local history and culture. Statues of the monkey can be found in a number of locations, including on the waterfront.

Further proof that the English are clearly subhuman.

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, and here.