The last time my father hit me was on a golf course.
He is built like a tank and is left handed. For a man of his build he is lightning fast. We were sitting in a golf cart after I had thrown a club about thirty feet and declared that I was going to the clubhouse and getting blind fucking drunk. I was 22 and it was probably 8 in the morning. That’s when the punch came, and it numbed my arm.
My uncles got out of their golf cart, separated us and we didn’t speak for the rest of the day.
Golf Sucks
There are a billion reasons why I think golf sucks shit. But I’m going to keep it to a shorter list because I’m shrooming and smoking meth, so my thoughts are racing and this laptop has turned into a gigantic purple slug with flames down the side.
People Who Play Golf
These people play all the time, and they like to tell you about it. Fuck you, your sport is boring as fuck. You are not a good golfer, I don’t care – or understand – what a handicap means. You have a horrible farmer’s tan and your smell like a bull elephant in heat. Your best round makes Tiger Woods laugh while he’s banging a Waffle House waitress from behind. Go eat shit.
There’s not another sport played by the general public where participants actually believe they can become as good as the pros. You can hit 10,000 balls, play golf every day, have a new scrotum sewn to your body – and you will never, ever get within 100 miles of qualifying for the tour. Well, if the tour is for the Miniature Golf Pro Tour, then maybe you’ve got a shot. Please crash your car into a Trump property.
Golf Course Employees
Are you an old white man who hates everything? Congrats! You’re hired! From the pro shop to the starter to the ranger, they are all pieces of shit. They have an axe to grind and because their prostrates are the size of shriveled peas, they are sexually frustrated. A ranger once yelled at my father and I to hurry up our play. My father who was a physician and a well respected guy, yelled out, “Fuck you! I paid to play this course.” (You can take the guy out of Little Italy…)
Golf Equipment – Fuck It
How many clubs do you need? Balls, tees, gloves, more clubs, visors, hats, golf pants, shoes, stupid fucking shit. None of this makes you good, it makes you look foolish and empties your bank account. Take the money and donate it to the Retired Hookers Home in your local city. God knows they need it more than you. Also, that shirt you’re wearing is giving you man tits. Take it off.
Golf on TV
Other things I would father be doing: throwing my dick in an alligator’s mouth; pushing a meat thermometer into my ear canal; going to a Trump rally.
Country Clubs
Lock the doors. Burn them to the ground. Anyone who escapes gets a golf club shoved up their ass.
The 19th Hole
Yes, alcohol is good. It is great. But you do have to drink with other fuckers who talk about their game and how they hate people who are different from them (meaning they are black or brown.) The cost is outrageous. Actually, I rather do shots of Pepe Lopez tequila down where they wash off the cars.
THINGS I LIKE ABOUT GOLF
Carts
I had a Honda 125M ATC as a child and wrecked shit all over the neighborhood. I do the same when I have to drive a golf cart when my son plays.
Cart Girls
While most are cute, it feels like you’re in a strip club – captive audience and feeling like a dirty old man while your moron friends act like prison escapees who haven’t seen a female in a decade.
Caddy Shack
A brilliant movie about a turd of a sport.
Jan Stephenson
When I was 13, I got a Jan Stephenson calendar that I destroyed as only an adolescent can. It looked like it had been dipped in a pot of resin and left to dry. It was so stiff the edges could cut through a tin can.
My Son
He plays JV golf for his school and has dedicated himself to the sport. I drive the cart and watch him play, and it’s a beautiful thing. His short game kind of sucks, but he’s still my favorite golfer.
There you have it. Golf can eat shit and that shit will come out and I will burn that shit and mix it with motor oil. That oil will be poured down the throat of the nearest douchebag wearing a Titleist hat.
Golf is….fine. People that take it seriously are ridonkadonk. And if you suck (like me) just pick up the ball and huck it now and again so we can move along and go home.
So, did you salt that purple slug?
I give you distllied hatred and in turn you give me gifs of sexy babes.
For that, I honor you, DFO.
Wherever tWBS is, he’s masturbating furiously.
I am going golfing with my buddies in the mountains tomorrow. 3rd time in 3 years due to child. I would rather spend my Saturdays at the futbol but since that aint happenin lets shotgun some beers!
When my buddies lived in the area, we would go golfing just to shoot the shit, drink, and catch up.
Yes, you can do that at a bar, but whacking a white ball with a big long stick was highly satisfying.
I think I actually respect “serious” amateur golfers more than the ones who insist that they don’t take it seriously. The only difference I perceive is that the former group follows the rules, while the latter takes 50 mulligans. Yeah, you’re not obsessive at all….
The last time I got talked into golfing was for a friend’s bachelor party. After three holes I gave up (that is, after all, my preferred number of holes) and just walked the course with them. Meanwhile all the “I don’t take this seriously, it’s just for fun, golf will be great” guys are throwing clubs and yelling and freaking out.
And the “but you can BOOZE while you do it” argument doesn’t work for me. I can drink while I sit on my patio reading a book and relaxing. That sounds like a better drinking venue to me than some douche-infested country club.
Think of it more as the walk you took the other day with an open container.
Forget country clubs.
Don’t make me quote Mark Twain on golf.
That’s the kind of golf I can really get behind.
Miniature golf is okay, but only if you bet on it. It is a travesty it is not televised.
As a fan of detective procedurals; white balls means the body has been in the lake for well over a week.
Hey, have you read Philip Kerr’s “Bernie Gunther” series? Historically-based, and really fucking good/intense detective books.
I banged a drink cart girl once*. It was glorious. I describe it as “the night I won the Super Bowl”.
*twice, actually. We went for a second round sometime around 4 a.m.
That’s worth the doctor visit.
Sorry, got sidetracked.
I’d like to Ryder Cups.
oh, and HAPPY 9/11!!!! to one and all of y’all imaginary pals
/Balls, will all tonight’s cheesecake be Saudi?
GODDAMN IT, too soon, man!
It’s been only 76 years since the firebombing of Darmstadt, or did you forget?!
/slaps forehead
I’ve tried the golf. A couple few separate times actually. My thinking was, ‘okay, too old to play rec basketball anymore, need to pick up something else’. I thought it would be a good bit of exercise and some socializing, just like BB. Thing is, I wanted to be good at it and that means you have to invest quite a bit of time. I didn’t have that spare time at the time. After throwing my club farther than I hit the ball I gave up on it.
Also, I had such the inverse marriage. Not only was she the carreer-obsessed, emotionally distant one (while I liked child rearing as a natural-born nurturer)…but she also played golf. Not super frequently, but she played.
Went to the driving range with her ONCE. Of the two buckets I hit, maybe TWO balls elevated over mid-shin. That’s how wretched I was. Never so much as tried again.
She hated to run (flat feet), so playing tennis with her wasn’t much fun. I am not good enough to be able to hit right back to you every time.
We did like drinking beer together, just no ancillary activities. And I ALWAYS had to pace myself to be the driver.
And I am now quasi-courting (very, very slow pace, even pre-#NuAIDS) a Republican lady, who is an avid golfer.
She said we could go shooting instead. Sadly, she ain’t mean “needle spoony” varietal.
A friend who always tried to get me into golf showed up at my house with his face, knees and elbows all scraped up and bruised. Apparently he hit one in the rough next to a gully and took a bad swing. You know when you laugh at something together with a friend that happened to them…. then you keep laughing after they have stopped.
To try to get some basics I went to a semi-fancy driving range, at the time I was lifting quite a bit. After a few swings the four people on either side of me moved away…. it was for safety because I had taken a shower and unfortunately was not profusely farting.
I was not able to nut-shot myself like this guy.
I love this hate.
Well, not really.
h
ttps://static-ca-cdn.eporner.com/photos/844321_296x1000.gif
“I hate this Love.”
-K Cobain
OMG WE AGREE!!!!!
/Carlin on golf “I’d rather watch flies fuck” is my touchstone in life
//I can see how people (just not me) would enjoy playing, but for the life of me I don’t get WATCHING ON TEEVEE
Well, when there’s no bowling on…
/tries to do golf trick, ends up playing ‘Keep Away’
My wife and I got hooked on golf way back when. The good thing about that is that if you and your wife like to golf, then you get to golf all you want. The kid put paid to that, though, and I haven’t golfed since our daughter was born. We should probably pick it back up again, no matter what you fuckers say.
Oh, we all know it’s less about the golfin’ and more about helping your wife with her backswing 😉
Wifey and I were the same but it was hiking that we liked. Two boys born within 2 years + demanding careers put an end to that. And now we’ve just let it slide. Gotta take it up again soon.
It might not display the same everywhere, but your comment is funny if you switch the first four letters of the third line with those of the fourth line.
Kid will put a stop to it with that rearrangement too.
I was a caddy in my teenaged years. Old people don’t tip, and think buying you a three dollar pop at the turn counted as more than enough.
It was more of a “Walking Dead” experience than “Caddyshack”.
Meanwhile at Casa De bk109, I’m starting to suspect that I may have to consider reducing the gear (laptop, mobile workstation, tablet, ~4 drives and other odds and ends.. and some MREs for the munchies) I have in my laptop assault pack XD That, or get some extra Molle pouches and roll on… Suggestions?
Eli’s recommendation:
Fruit roll-ups and juice boxes should fit as well.
For those on a more liquid diet:
You joke, but mag and grenade pouches are great (after some retrofitting) for work use XD In fact, the 40mm ones are almost perfect for cans of energy drinks and the like 😀
totally unrelated to this post, but I just found that my favoUrite brewer now has an app that lets me order for next day delivery from it. Wooohooo
I got to drive the golf cart when I worked in the admissions office during undergrad. I got it up to the lofty heights of 33 mph on the college loop!
When I was in high school, you could tell who was on the golf team by their feathered hair, plaid pants, and undying love for James Taylor. They were also the first ones to puke at a kegger. Assholes.
I’ll just let the master take it from here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGMgXSg9TgM
Fuck Yeah Cart Girls!
– tWBS’ ghost
Why are you crying? Don’t worry, I’ll pay so you can go visit your boyfriend.
-also tWBS’ ghost
The one overlooked thing about golf: Like bowling, you are expected to drink alcohol while playing it.
Add the carts and that’s socially-sanctioned drinking and driving.
And as Marge Simpson would say, like she did about bowling, “What a nice hobby.”
Homer: “It’s a sport!”
Or… and this is a wild idea, I know, but just hear me out – you tell your spouse that you’re going golfing, but instead find a good sports pub and skip straight to the drankin’
Get some grass stains to make it look good.
While she “entertains” a “favored companion.”
“He’s just a friend!”
Presented without context … or connection to golf whatsoever 😀
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwe06zNK9og
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdMHLTqVyo8
I played golf one time, at the base course at Naval Air Station Corpus Christi TX back in 1982. What a waste of an afternoon. At least it was cheap for active duty, 3 bucks green fee and 5 bucks for club rental. Fuck golf except for Caddyshack.
Yeah, I was awful.