I think I’ve got this new format down. In case you are interested, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Got it? Good!
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I’m going to make one last plea:
As I mentioned before, I have started work on developing a “Gently-Used Fleshlight Hall of Fame” and I’m researching all the winners of the previous competitions we’ve held here at DFO. I have, as would be expected, all of the winners of the AFL Tipping Contests and the AFLW Tipping Contests. I also have the winner of last season’s English Premier League Tipping Contest as well as the winner of last season’s NFL Tipping Contest (hosted by an Australian ESPN site).
I also have the winner of the DFO Survivor Pool (hosted by the USA ESPN site and run by our own Yeah Right) from the inaugural year of 2015. Things get a bit fuzzy after that. I also discovered that we did a NFL Spread Picks pool and a NFL Straight Up Picks pool in 2015 and I have the winners for those, but I don’t know/remember if we continued those contests in subsequent years.
If anyone has any recollections about the contests we’ve run and, more importantly, who the winners were, please write them in the comments! Thank you!
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The Week in DFO
Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:
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For some reason I have alway thought In the Air Tonight was about Collins’s divorce at the time.
Unsurprised
I always thought it was about a really rank fart ripped in the close confines of the recording studio and the ensuing argument as to who dealt it.
ArmedandHammered
Isn’t it obvious who dealt it?
Balls
The wind instrument was added by the producer.
(who smelt it dealt it)
Moose
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Dear God, thank you for that. I know this is payback for Edelman’s ancestors crucifying your son.
jjfozz
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We have way more vocal P*ts fans in the clubhouse the last few years.
Litre_cola
My motion to install shock collars was voted down.
Dunstan
As a vocal Cowboys fan I was concerned about setting a precedent.
Horatio
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All I need is for A A Ron to go full Michael Vick on MNF
Don T
I don’t see that happening: Aaron seems to genuinely like dogs.
Horatio
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Is it still a shootout if only one side does most of the shooting?
the Alpha and the Amoeba
Fucking Ay!
—Charles Whitman.
Viva La Tabula Raza
“Yes, absolutely.”
-Philadelphia PD.
Moose
This is why I come here, instant police brutality and mass murder references. It feels like slipping into a jacuzzi that feels too hot at first, but then becomes super relaxing.
the Alpha and the Amoeba
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Throw it to Shepherd
Sharkbait
Won’t the defense flock to him?
monty this seems strange to me
That’s a baaaaah-d joke.
Viva La Tabula Raza
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“My name’s Rod Longbone and you’re watching Green Bay Casting Couch!”
LemonJello
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Thoughts and prayers for COVID-19 as it has tested positive for Stephen Miller.
Senor Weaselo
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Making the wise decision to skip the debate and drink on my patio while playing Football Manager (curse you, Hippo!)
Drinking Tom Collinses — which I don’t think I’ve done since the DFO Pub Crawl. Cheers to all you fine gentlemen and scholars.
Dunstan
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Brady or Cam Newton? hmm… Yep, going Brady! GO TB12!
TheRevanchist
You’re dead to me.
Unsurprised
Your in line just behind my wife, the kids, my parents, the neighbors, my co-workers, Phil Lamowski of Gerrtenburg, PA, the 1982 Chicago Cubs, and my dog. My murder will be a 4 hour Dateline special.
TheRevanchist
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Tom Brady has spent more time on his back tonight than Ginger Lynn.
Beerguyrob
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THIS GUY CHARLES LENO I CALL HIM JAY LENO BECAUSE HE SUCKS
BFC
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Jesus – removing that Belichick microchip turned Brady into Lennie Small.
Beerguyrob
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Last time I saw someone forget how many downs there were, Uncle Ed was watching The Kids from Widney High on acid.
Buddy
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That bitch better not be pushing thin mints
BFC
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“Cute kid, blax!”
-Commentist who sweeps next week
blaxabbath
Cute kid, Blax! What kinda candy and wine does he like?
SonOfSpam
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found a funny:
A child: what’s that?
Me holding an oreo milkshake: it’s spicy you won’t like it.
rockindog
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Speaking of interrupting the proceedings-here’s my story:
It was January 20th, 1991. I can’t remember the reason why, but our bar was having our Christmas party quite late, which consisted of a day on the slopes, dinner and one of those Mystery Evenings where you have to identify the killer after talking to all the actors.
That day the Giants were playing the Niners in the NFC Championship game. I ordinarily would have skipped the party because I was a hardcore fan back then but I was dating a waitress (her oral skills have never been matched, btw) that made it plain that she wanted to go. I rationalized to myself, “it’s the fricken’ Niners, they’re going for the threepeat and there’s no way they’ll lose at home, Walsh is gonna dial up a gameplan and the Giants are toast anyway”.
A fellow bartender that was also a Giants fan found a payphone (remember those?) and called a buddy to find out the score. He made his way to my seat and whispered in my ear, “the Giants won, 15-13”. I looked up at him, “No?!”. He nodded ‘yes’ and smiled so that I knew he wasn’t fucking with me.
Now keep in mind that there are at least 60 people (management, fellow employees and their family members) in attendance, listening intently to the host of the Mystery Night explaining how this part of the evening should unfold. I was so shocked about the result I stood up from my chair and started yelling, (I was a few beers in as well) “OH MY FUCKING GOD, THE GIANTS WON! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE IT! HOLY SHIT, THEY DID IT. JESUS CHRIST! IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!!” It was then that my buddy grabbed me and pushed me into a nearby stairwell where we high-fived each other and shared our disbelief. We walked out 5 minutes later to daggers from just about everyone.*
*there was no blowjob that night
scotchnaut
Tell me more about the waitress.
TheRevanchist
She enlisted in Toastmasters early in the 80s. Honed her craft and was doing audiobooks by 95 if I understand the story correctly.
litre_cola
“one of those Mystery Evenings where you have to identify the killer”
Scotchy. It was Scotchy.
Horatio
“In the Northern Ontario with the Beaver Tail!”
scotchnaut
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College football is still a thing? Is Horatio still railing about UConn?
BFC
He is still heart broken about the Damn Yankees.
Litre_cola
He’s still ‘railing’ but it has nothing to do with UConn.
scotchnaut
I hate all of you so much.
Horatio
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People who unironically say “doggo,” “hubby,” or “wifey”: I’m not sure we can be
herodotus450friendscasual acquaintances anymore.
I’ve been referring to wifey for 15 years. Do I get grandfathered in?
WCS
I’ll think about it.
(checks personnel file)
Oh it says here you’re a Panguins fan. Mmm.
herodotus450
Hmm mmm yes and you’re also a Communist, a porn star, and a Stonecutter?
herodotus450
I AM NOT A PORN STAR
WCS
You prefer Porn Thespian?
Mr. Ayo
Porn up and comer. Heh heh.
Gumbygirl
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Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Have a good week, everyone!
Being unemployed leaves me much more time to troll idiots on Reddit. I take on many different personas.
But the constant battles keep me feeling like I’m a York Peppermint Patty that has taken a bite of itself.
My hero. I’m authentic and it’s gotten me banned enough times recently to finally wear on me.
Anyway. I hope you’re one of the lucky ones getting UI. I just had a claimant who was claiming weeks for the wrong program since May.
Lifetimes never reading the instructions have reached their inevitable conclusion.
Maestro won my DFO II: Dumb Fantasy League For Dopes last year, FWIW.
Fronk, please check the email from me on the league site! ESPN is fucking with me. I need commish to intervene if possible.
Looks ok to me., you won and had an empty spot on the bench.
I lost and wanted to pick up moss
Thank you! Did you give out a Gently-Used Fleshlight TM?
Needs Iggy Coke in Atlanta.
Where is Dr. Iggy Pepper?
Above Bottom Iggy’s shoulder and armpit