Hey howdy, y’all.  Did you enjoy a fine Fall weekend, filled with FITBAW and as little movement as humanly possible?  Sorry for the humble brag.

[Closed captions for the Hard-of-Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Reverend E. Mayhem presiding.]

I hope you didn’t need any real details on the late afternoon window.  [Yeah, no.]  Just two games, both liquid shit, and one with Joe and Troy fighting to somehow each take A.A. Ron and Dreamboat’s balls in their mouth, simultaneously.  [I literally just spent four minutes considering the logistical considerations.  I think if Joe and Troy laid down thusly:

with Rodgers and Brady facing each other kneeling over…ok, nevermind].  I muted the TV as soon as the 1p fixtures ended, and turned it off at 5:40 (pending SNF kickoffery). [Smart move]  A.A. Ron, playing with a 10-nil lead, gift-wrapped Team MRSA [Tampa Bay] 14 points.  Then, his left tackle died.  Nothing else needs saying (ok, final was 38-10, I hate typing it as much as you hate reading it).  [Suuuuuck]  And the Jest found a whole ‘nother Maximum Jest level of slapdickery.  That one ended 24-nil to the LOLfins, who had the very unusual experience of trying not to hurt the other side’s feelings too badly.  SERIOUSLY, THE MIAMI LOLFINS CALLED OFF THE DOGS AT HALFTIME, AND ADAM GASE WAS NEITHER THE FIRST, NOR THE SECOND HEAD COACH FIRED THIS SEASON.  [Tua got his first game action in 11 months, because Miami decided there was absolutely no way his surgically-reattached leg was under threat from the Jets defense.]

I have frequently waxed non-poetic about the many virtues of Bradley Chubb (whose navy #55 I proudly own).  Today, the world took notice.  Fueled by 6 McManus field goals – and fuckall else from the offense – Chubb and pals absolutely wrecked New England’s shit.  [It was glorious]  I mean, they had to call multiple Jewkah [Julian Edelman] pass plays just to make first downs.  18-12, Donks.  [Cue the cannons]  Maybe #NuAIDS took as much out of Cam as it did me (serious, my energy level was like 25-30% for 3 weeks), but please don’t let that detract from one of the most dominant, gutsy defensive performances anywhere this season.

/homer caveats aplenty.  DOH!

Did you read that I had a moneyline bet on Team WKRP [Bengals]?  Because I fucking did, and was too stupid/impatient to cash out my bet at 21-nil.  OF COURSE, the Bungles made 90% ded Laserface look 25 again.  [Seriously.  Phillip Rivers looked reborn] OF COURSE they doinked a medium-distance FG, kicked multiple times on 4th and 1 or 2, turned the ball over…basically everything you’ve come to expect from Ohio’s finest.  31-27, Humps [Colts].  JESUS, was I ever tilted (and thanks to Footy Manager for distracting me in the aftermath).

Speaking of O-hi-o…good Lord, #ThePauls [Browns].  That was about as #ThePauls as we seen for a long while.  The Ben [Roethlisberger] basically did The Nothing [typical], and his Yinzers win by 31 fucking points.  Baker, Baker, the turnover maker – mercifully yanked in Q3.  He had a rib owie coming into the match [likely story], and hopefully got a nice opiate cocktail from the training staff.  Lord knows he needed it, as did anyone watching this 38-7 puppy abortion.

Yes, Yinzburgh is basically a Cadillac version of Indy – winning games controlling the clock, dominating on defense, and hiding the mostly-ded, aged QB [aka the Bronco Manning Special].

Teddy Ballgame [Bridgewater] was really having a magnificent season for the Black Panthers.  Key word being was.  Back into a pumpkin he turned, and the Big Dick Nick [Foles] Bearistocrats! won ugly once again.  23-16, keeping the theme of a mostly great day for kickers of placements. [God, that was a hard game to watch too.]

I certainly did not see Fat Stafford and the Fuck Lions going into DUUUUUUVVVVVAAAAALLLL [Jacksonville] and more-than-doubling up London’s finest.  But that they did, 34-16.  No, I didn’t put goddamned Th’Andre Swift in my fantasy lineup, neither.  I am sure jackass Patricia will give Purple Balls Jesus [Adrian Peterson] 25+ carries next week, because he’s quite the spiteful, fat fuck.  Keelan Cole had a good day, unlike pretty much every other Jagura.

Welcome to the 1-win FITBAW club, New York Football Giants!  The slog was as painful and stupid as you’d expect, with Danny Dimebag [Daniel Jones] under 6.0 YPA yet again (with a pick, but at least no fumble!).  He got outplayed by Kyle Allen, for fuck’s sake!  [Damning]  Ron Rivera proved again his capacity for mercy and human decency, going for two with 30 seconds to play, sparing us another 10 minutes of these two teams.  NO, neither of y’all is worthy of Most Glorious Draw.  20-19, and there was much Scotchnaut rejoicing.

New manager bump continues to be a thing, with Atlanta being the latest beneficiary.  They re-discovered the art of defensing (before some garbage time empty calories – not that Justin Jefferson owners are complaining), and benefitted from some Extreme Captain Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins himself basically said he should be benched if he continues like this].  Plus, Matty Ice to Julio Jones enjoyed one hell of a Prague Spring.  [Just enough to fool Blank into writing Matt Ryan another contract].  Don’t be fooled by that Dingleberry stat line, though one suspects that Mike Zimmer is pot-committed.  40-23 is your final, and it was nowhere near that close.

Those plucky 500s [Houston Texans] almost got 500 pounds of Romeo Crennel to 2-0!  But El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] was not to be denied.  It was a back and forth, high-volume Bananacakes operation in normal time, ending 36-all.  Crennell, wisely (fuck off, I don’t feel like showing my work on the maths) went for TWO after a 4th and goal from the 1 TD.  There was just under 2 minutes to play, and 38-29 would have spelled GAME OVER.  In a crazy-ass contest like this, you jump all over such a chance.  The play just ain’t work.  Then, Vrabel somewhat curiously played it safe-ish (Gostkowski re-discovered his FG yips, so that extra point was no 100% endeavoUr), NOT going for two and the win after a nigh-miraculous, close-to-overturned-but-magnificent TD catch with 4 ticks remaining.

Poignant moment – Theshaun [Deshaun Watson] acted like he was shot, after losing the OT coin toss.  He was right to be wary, with El Tractorcito plowing in the last 5 yards (on 3rd and goal), with a perfectly designed (and ballsy af) play call.  264 combined yards for that dude.  Just amazing.

But Tanny Fanny [well-known horse’s ass Ryan Tannehill] was also great.  So was Theshaun.  It was a dynamite effort, from everyone involved.  But it’s the Tits who go to 5-0, and look extremely dangerous for January.  [Don T is currently planning his escape from his island prison to see his beloved Tits in the Super Bowl.  Fortunately, he has until July 2021 to figure it out]

Iggles/Ratbirds [Philadelphia vs. Baltimore] was equally ridiculous, if not as well-played.  Balmer damned near surrendered a 30-7, Q3 lead – at home.  But they stopped the last, pretty…dumb-looking (or more likely, just poorly executed) 2 point play, then recovered the “watermelon kick” (per Coked-up Redzone Guy, he’s money with these playfully silly monikers) to hold on, 30-28.  Dakota Jeebus [Carson Wentz] wasn’t good, but he also was getting the absolute monkeyfuck beat out of him, virtually every play.  [Love this use of the phrase “monkeyfuck”]  It was almost hard to watch.  But then one remembers he’s a Trumpist.  He can get fucked.  But at 1-4-1, Philly is still in great shape in the NFC Special Needs Division [East].  Ertz and/or Miles Sanders might be ded, though.  Was quite the pyrrhic non-victory.

That leaves Sunday Night, California-style.  Our RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! pals against the desperately reeling Tomsulas [49ers].  Janeane [Jimmy Garoppolo] was brave-but-not-sensible last week, trying to put on heels too soon.  But this was Baby Buster’s [Jared Goff] week to be shitty, and Janeane to play like “Competent Varietal Baby Buster.”  THREE first-half scoring tosses.  Did not see that coming, though my DFO fantasy league foe did.  Curse yeeewwww, Game Time Decision!  Also, apologies to Litre for poor GAMBLOR advice.  21-6 at the half, off to bed I goes.  See y’all for the Combined Footy Monday Quadrupleheader.

[Niners ended up finishing the job 24-16.  James G ended with a respectable 268 yards, 3 TD night, while Goff failed to break the QB Mendoza Line of 200 yards.  Deebo Samuel, George Kittle caught TDs, as did Brandon Aiyuk

[Tomorrow’s mid-afternoon Bills-Chefs game gonna be EPIC.]