Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, they once worshipped an amputated leg.

LORD UXBRIDGE’S LEG

Date: June 18, 1815

Location: Waterloo, Belgium

As I have mentioned previously in my writing, the English despised Napoleon and the First French Empire. Thanks to the diminutive conqueror, most ports on the European continent were cut off to British ships – and their economy was initially impacted very heavily. By 1815, though, the tide had turned, and Napoleon was exiled to the island of Elba in the Mediterranean.

When Napoleon shocked the world and came back from exile, storming through France and reclaiming his empire, nobody was more determined to stop him than the Redcoats. On June 18th, 1815, Napoleon’s Hundred Days, and his entire reign as Emperor of France, finally came to an end forever, as a coalition force of British, Prussian, Belgian, Dutch, and other German armies finally defeated him at the famed Battle of Waterloo, in what is now Belgium. Napoleon’s critical error was in delaying the start of the fighting; heavy rain the night before made for wet ground, which he wanted to dry out. However, it gave the Prussian army time to march and join the coalition forces, turning the tide of the battle and saving the day.

Enter Henry Paget, 2nd Earl of Uxbridge.

Lord Uxbridge was in charge of about 13,000 cavalry members and 44 artillery pieces; he was second-in-command of forces underneath famed field marshal Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington. Beyond being comrades in battle, Uxbridge and Wellington were also good friends.

As the battle carried on, Uxbridge had a difficult time dealing with well-trained and determined French counterattacks – as the day wore on, he had possibly eight or nine horses shot out from underneath as he led cavalry charges against the French.

Thanks to the Prussians, though, the French were finally overwhelmed, and had to start retreating – but not without providing artillery fire for cover.

As luck would have it, despite the battle being essentially over, one of the last shots fired blew off Lord Uxbridge’s right leg at the knee.

In quintessential English fashion, Lord Uxbridge turned to his close friend, and simply said, “By God, sir, I’ve lost my leg!”

Lord Wellington replied back: “By God, sir – so you have!”

Lord Uxbridge underwent amputation halfway up his right thigh – with no anesthetic – in order to save his life. And against all odds, the procedure worked. Of a few other quintessentially English comments that he stated during his surgery, some highlights include:

“I have been a beau these forty-seven years, and it would not be fair to cut the young men out any longer.”

“The knives appear somewhat blunt.”

According to another friend, Sir Hussey Vivian, recorded in a conversation with Henry Curling:

“Just after the Surgeon had taken off the Marquis of Anglesey’s leg, Sir Hussey Vivian came into the cottage where the operation was performed. “Ah, Vivian!” said the wounded noble, “I want you to do me a favour. Some of my friends here seem to think I might have kept that leg on. Just go and cast your eye upon it, and tell me what you think.” “I went, accordingly”, said Sir Hussey, “and, taking up the lacerated limb, carefully examined it, and so far as I could tell, it was completely spoiled for work. A rusty grape-shot had gone through and shattered the bones all to pieces. I therefore returned to the Marquis and told him he could set his mind quite at rest, as his leg, in my opinion, was better off than on.”

As if that wasn’t enough, the amputated leg ended up becoming a shrine for English tourists – and for nobility of other nations to visit. The leg was kept in the house in Belgium where the operation was performed, where visitors could see the blood-covered chair that Lord Uxbridge sat in for the procedure. Later, they were led out into the garden to see the custom tombstone made for the leg. The tombstone was even inscribed:

“Here lies the Leg of the illustrious and valiant Earl Uxbridge, Lieutenant-General of His Britannic Majesty, Commander in Chief of the English, Belgian and Dutch cavalry, wounded on the 18 June 1815 at the memorable battle of Waterloo, who, by his heroism, assisted in the triumph of the cause of mankind, gloriously decided by the resounding victory of the said day.”

The English loved this. Even the King of Prussia and Prince of Orange visited the leg. The saw that cut it off is in the National Army Museum in the UK. They were obsessed with it. The family that kept the bones, despite demands from the English government and the Uxbridge family, still refused to return, setting off a few diplomatic incidents – and when the last man of the family died with the bones still kept in the study of his house, his horrified wife threw them in the incinerator to avoid kicking off another fight between the UK and Belgium.

This is completely ridiculous. A nation that worships relics – especially ones that the owner didn’t even display any particular sentiment for when they were originally attached to his body – is completely absurd. You cannot convince me the English are human.

***

Information for this article from here, here, here, and here.