It was a dark and stormy night, and with the local all you can eat buffet closed, there was nowhere for Coach to go for another four rounds of prime rib. So he headed to the local convenience store to forage for hand pies. As one does.
Not unsurprisingly, the convenience store was desolate. Nothing but Coach, the man behind the register, and row upon row of high sodium and/or high high fructose corn syrup snacks. And a black cat crawling on the check out counter.
JUST THESE 43 PIES AND A GALLON OF CHOCOLATE MILK, PLEASE
Clerk:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
/runs
Coach Reid: What the hell was that all about?
Coach leaves a chocolate-stained $50 bill on the counter, strokes the cat, and turns toward the exit when suddenly…
Sup, Fatty?
Coach Reid: OH, Hiya, Coach. You have a sudden urge for dessert, too? These guys somehow ran out of fruit pies, not sure how that happened. /kicks empty wrappers to another aisle
Coach Shanahan: I don’t eat that shit. I treat my body like a temple, rack up healthy living points, and build an insurmountable lead in life.
Gentlemen.
Coach Reid: OH, Hiya, Coach. Coach Shanahan and I were just talking about how unbelievable it is for a place like this to run out of fruit pies.
Coach Carroll: Sounds like a conspiracy. But I don’t think that’s why Kyle and I are here.
I am here.
Coach Reid: OH, Hiya, Coach. Say, I’m confused by why the three of you would be in Kansas City on Halloween. Or why the three of you would even be hanging out together.
Coach Fangio: I don’t have much to say. Defense is important. Hang together to protect. Not much else to add.
Coach Shanahan: Jesus, Vic, you don’t have to wind up the canned soundbites, there’s literally no one else here.
Coach Fangio: Oh.
Coach Fangio: [blinks]
Coach Carroll: Look, Andy, this is a weird season. And this feels like a weird night. But we need to talk to you about your face shield.
Coach Reid: What’s wrong with it? Is this better?
Coach Fangio: I think it is a face shield.
Coach Shanahan: Jesus
Coach Carroll: Who do you think you’re fooling with that thing, Andy? We all heard the stories about mysterious defogging solutions, but we need to dig deeper. There’s something darker afoot.
Coach Reid: Look, Coach, I don’t know what you’re talking about. But it’s only a few hours until the Golden Corral opens, and I’d like to get a nap in before they wheel out my waffle assortment.
Coach Carroll: You don’t get it, do you, Andy? So they defogged your mask. But why?
Coach Reid: Patrick said it was because I was breathing too heavy, I couldn’t see the menu or um play sheet.
Coach Shanahan: When did this usually happen?
Coach Reid: Later in the game, I think that’s when you usually take a cigarette break, right?
Coach Shanahan: ….
Coach Reid: I usually have Chad Henne run out to grab me a turkey leg so I can keep counting timeouts through the third quarter.
Coach Carroll: Andy, focus up. Before they defogged your mask, was there anything…unusual going on? Any secret messages about temperature or Jews?
Coach Reid: Why would there be messages about chews, Big League or Charleston?
Coach Fangio: Were there messages at all?
Coach Reid: Well, I thought I saw something, but the sweat condensation wiped it away before I could really focus on it.
Coach Shanahan: I’m going to spray anti-de-fogging spray on your shield, Andy. Close your eyes and pretend the airplane is coming in for a landing.
:spritzes Coach Reid’s face shield:
Coach Reid: HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE LETTERS ON MY MASK, WHAT DOES THAT SAY?
Coach Fangio: I think it says Red Rum.
Coach Shanahan: That doesn’t make sense, we came here to kill him by giving him COVID.
Coach Reid: What now?
Coach Carroll: Maybe it’s a warning to him rather than a directive?
Coach Fangio: That is an idea.
Coach Reid: Look, guys, I’m just going to keep my mask on and go home for a little snack before the breakfast buffet.
Coach Shanahan: I can’t let you do that Andy. You see, no one’s around, the liberal media wants you to believe that hundreds of thousands of Americans are dead from COVID, but that’s not really true. This is just like the flu, but dumber and more controllable, like an elderly couple watching Fox News.
Coach Carroll: And if you die of COVID, really, the comorbidity list is SO LONG that you won’t really die of COVID. So don’t worry about your mask, lift it up and let us breathe on you. Plus, most masks aren’t really effective any way.
Coach Reid: I WANT TO BE BACK AT THE CORRAL. OR RED ROBIN. OR CRACKER BARREL. OR OLIVE CAFE. OR PEACHTREE. OR SONIC.
Coach Fangio: Guys, is his mask changing?
Coach Shanahan: Does that say Red Ham?
Coach Reid: DID YOU SAY HAM? Look, you guys are wrong. COVID isn’t a hoax, it isn’t a conspiracy. It’s a disease. But it does more than infect your lungs. It infects your taste for…HAM FLESH FROM ALL SORTS OF PIGGIES!
Coach Reid pulls up his face shield, lunges at Coach Shanahan and starts gnawing on his face like, well, a Christmas ham presented to a fat man.
Coach Shanahan: BUT HOW CAN YOU KILL ME, WE HAD YOU OUTNUMBERED AND OUTSCORED?
Coach Reid: [chews loudly on Shanahan’s face and proceeds to devour his entire body]
Coach Fangio: Should we run?
Coach Carroll: Nah.
One by one, Coach Reid devours the rival coaches, pausing only to coat Vic Fangio in honey mustard and to find cloves to press into Pete Carroll’s face and then remove prior to biting down on his cheeks because no one likes eating a clove.
Coach Reid: :belches:
Coach Reid: Guess they didn’t know I couldn’t eat them if they’d been wearing their masks right. Oooh, almost time for breakfast.
/puts face shield back down
fin
The posts still aren’t showing up for me! I had to get here by scrolling through yesterday’s Hard ride to nowhere, and each post after that to get to the next article arrow at the bottom. Is anyone else having this problem?
Are you on mobile or computer?
Mobile
That’s very weird. You may try clearing cookies. That might help.
– A. Reid
Didn’t do anything. I’m going to try logging out and back in. If I never get back in, it’s been nice knowing you all!
I logged out and back in. I turned off my phone and turned it back on. I cleared my cookies. Nothing worked, and I have reached the limit of my technical skills. I can’t scroll through each post since early Friday morning’s HRTN to get to the current one. This might be it for me.
Internet Dad is working tirelessly behind the scenes to fix this. It’s worlds better than yesterday but still a work in progress.
Don’t go! All the plants are gonna die!
I kind of want a fruit pie now.
And ham.
Both Big League Chew and Charleston Chew have been part of Andy’s jaw-training regimen for many years.
The ham image failed to load, which I can only assume means Andy Reid read this before I did and ate all the ham.
Otherwise, well done. And that statue of Jerry Richardson may be the worst-looking thing I’ve ever seen.
Great job. The links are gold, as always. I specially liked the mask comparison one.
Marvelous. All it needed was complaints that he keeps shoveling pie toward his mouth but it doesn’t go in, and then a shot of a pie-covered face shield.
I don’t have LCSS level photoshop skills. And was only five drinks in when I wrote this.