Thanksgiving Quotables. Kind of like The Masters, it’s a thing that happens every year. But look, I wanted to use today’s above-the-gifs space to talk about Las Vegas. As you may be aware, my internet persona relocated to Sin City last year and, you know, it’s a unique city in which to reside. However, what is really interesting about this place is the reality that it is just a caricature of a typical city. And while that isn’t always often probably ever an objectively good thing for this place, I wanted to share with you something that, I think, pretty well defines Las Vegas.
That’s right. While other localities have area leaders or snarky internet commentators sparring online with conspiracy-theorist GOP candidates, the leading voice of sanity in Las Vegas is…the strip club critic.
Just something I wanted to share while getting my word count average up for the year. We’ll have another guest on Friday’s results post but, for today, please enjoy your Week 12 Quotables submissions below.
2020 is really weird we have WR’s playing QB’s QB’s listed as TE’s and now wet paper bags on defense?
Maybe at the end of the day the real victories in life are the friends we made along the way
Recycled Headline: Plutocrat football team owner pays for sex, stares at the sun
So this was supposed to be attached
Recycled headline: Plutocratic football team owner pays for sex, stares at sun
ezgif.com-gif-maker-9-2.gif (300×533) (doorfliesopen.com)
Social Media has gone too far. Now virgins are livestreaming their reaction when they reach 2nd base.
When they go low, we go h—?Vooolareee, oh oooh?
Last time I date an Aries. -Him
Did Megan McCain lose a bunch of weight?
She’s on the left, correct?
Check out my interpretation of a 17th century hornpipe!
High fiddle dee dee!
The pirate’s life for me!!
World’s Most Punchiest Face
“And remember, before you ram it in—”
“DID YOU SAY RAM IT?”
“Air Tanny” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
“I’d like to fly that airline. Oh, wait, just read that more carefully. Never mind.” — Eddie Murphy
(disapproving glance)
-Elliot Page
I’m all confused by this news. Does his announcement make me retroactively bisexual?
*Smash Bros. Home Run Bat sound*
This kind of validates the characterization of Josh Jacobs I’ve been working on in That’s My Raiders.
Not your funniest submission.
Sometimes I try to get back down to earth and keep things serious.
-K. Bryant
Sir.
“What’s that, God? You want me to stay my hand and sacrifice this ram instead of my eldest son? All right, but…you’re sure about this? Like 100%? Cause there’s plenty more where he came from.” – Philip Rivers
What never?
No, never.
He hardly ever scores a TD…
I shall take you to heaven…
…before I send you to hell.
Way to lean into the stereotype that the NFL is just for mouthbreathers.
Also, that successful quarterbacks can’t be bl…uh, short.
AHHHHHH
The light
IT BURNS
A taller tight end would have caught that, which begs the question: has anyone with a basketball background ever played in the NFL?
I feel like I would have heard about it if that were that case. But maybe Ryan Fitzpatrick knows — he went to college somewhere, I think.
Haven’t seen Jets so inappropriately hit the ground since Lockerbie.
Remember everyone, smile as this pic is for Coach’s goodbye gift!
But their asses aren’t out.
…
Anymore than they are during every game.
Thank god that after seeing my wife, no one questions my masculinity. – Tanne “Fannie” Hill
Tannehill showing off his love of classical ballet as he does his interpretation of the Prince from the Nutcracker to begin the month of December.
Uh …
Without looking it up, who overthrew it, week 12 edition
1)Baker
1)Newton
1)Wentz
1)Hinton
1)Hill
1)Carr
What the fuck are they celebrating for? No, seriously, can someone tell me?
Wears mask about as good as he quaterbacks.
Luckily the Browns won the game, so Baker dodged a bullet (unlike that time in 1981).
1981? I was thinking the Reagan assassination attempt, but that was James Brady, not James Baker.
Close enough
Hinkley didn’t think so.
Neither does … it’s too depressing to even finish that. The world would have been better if Hinkley wasn’t as stupid as he was crazy.
Dammit. That’s right.
Ok, erase erase erase.
That throw was as ruined as Jessica Hahn after she met Jim Baker.
“Open the garage door, turn the car off and come inside so we can talk about this unhealthy Adam Schefter obsession you have.”
May be more of a mercy to leave the car engine running and close the garage door.
*Ryan Pace’s phone number shows up on John Elway’s caller ID*
Baker keeps making throws like this, he’ll be selling Progressive insurance full time.
“To quote the Vietnamese street whore in Full Metal Jacket: numbah one soul brotha too beaucoup, too beaucoup! (and dad said my degree in film making wouldn’t pay off)“
USC Communications degree achievement unlocked!
“I’m a little teapot
Short and stout
Now that we’re winning
I can come out.”
It’s like Peter Pan and Captain Morgan with a dash of Sam Darnold?
“Targeting, Number 28. Touchdown Seahawks and a P*triots 1st down. Does anyone smell burnt toast?”
-NFL Referee Land Clark
In mocking Beavis and Butthead voices
“Heh HANDS UP, DON’T SHOOT! Heh-huh-huh. Heh-heh.”
Even the Boeing 737MAX doesn’t want to be associated with these Jets.
Wow, way to get 2 of your 27 yards on the day, dick
?? Black hole sun
Won’t you come
In the hands
Of an Asian sex slave ?
Beautiful
?
YOU’RE OUT OF THE FAMILY!
-Kris Jenner
Honestly, pretty good throw
–Carson W.
“Needs more loft” — Philip R.
Am I supposed to know who the fuck this is?
PS RAMMMMIT!
Top 3 worst crashes in NYC history
The newest Aircraft Boneyard: East Rutherford, NJ