Hallo und Guten Abend!  Dok Zymm here and I am much honored to introduce to you this week the results of  “Quotables” for lucky week 13!  I haven’t written anything for the site in a while, and you may be wondering what I’ve been up to for the past couple years so I’ve put together a little FAQ to address the most common inquiries:

Q: Did your volcano lair survive the 2018 collapse of Halemaʻumaʻu at Kilauea’s summit?

A: So, while I was ensconced in that particular volcanic lair for a time in 2017, it wasn’t actually MY lair.  I had been participating in a volcanic lair exchange program, to gain exposure to different geothermal lair designs and building techniques, and had moved on by the start of 2018.  While there are some advantages to building in a particularly active volcano, namely an abundance of free energy to drive whatever computing clusters, tesla coils, hydrogen cryogenics equipment, and so forth that you have laying around, the risk of explosion is a distinct drawback.  I believe I’ll stick with my current setup, located in the Bolshaya Udina volcano of the Kamchatka group of volcanoes.

Q: With your connections in the mad scientist world, do you know who’s responsible for the myriad of apocalyptic events occurring in 2020?

A: You may or may not have heard of Mount Paektu, an active stratovolcano which straddles the border of China and North Korea.  There have been continuous border disputes concerning the mountain, and the current border runs right through the middle of the crater lake at the summit.  Traditionally, the international intra-volcanic scientific community remains apart from petty governmental concerns, but unfortunately the researchers in this particular lab got involved in the geopolitical intrigue between China and the DPRK with the rest of the world getting caught in the crossfire.  While the release of the coronavirus responsible for Covid-19 into the Chinese population is the most obvious result of this clash, spillover from their supervillain battles is responsible for the majority of 2020 disasters.  The record-breaking Atlantic hurricane season?  A botched attempt to send SuperTyphoons into the colder waters around the Korean peninsula.  The catastrophic fire seasons in both Australia and the Western US are also linked to the failed SuperTyphoon project, apparently all the result of a misplaced decimal point in the jetstream calculations for the weather nanobots.  Sie sind idiots!  I could go on, but it’s hopefully moot, as the rest of us have grouped together to neutralize the rogue lab and prevent further spillover into the general population.  It’s hard enough to maintain the fine reputation of Mad Science without the actions of those Schweinehund!

Q: Are you still a fan of the Washington Football Team, formerly known as the Redacteds?
A: Eh, not particularly.  The conduct of The Snyder is incompatible with the ethics of intra-volcanic science, or really any ethics for that matter.  This can only be tolerated to a point.  If the Team is ever sold to someone who is not a total Arschloch I may return to my fandom (the odds of this happening are roughly the same as someone in the US being struck by a meteorite, estimated to happen roughly once every 9,000 years. In recorded history it has only happened once, to Ann Hodges in 1954).

Q: What qualities do you prefer in your robotic assistants?
A: Unlike the amateurish efforts that have resulted in assistants like Alexa or Siri, I prefer my electronic assistants to have both the ability to perform useful tasks such as pouring me a glass of wine, and a personality beyond that of a stereotypical 1950’s secretary.  After much development I’ve been very happy with a humanoid, Terminator-style chassis imbued with the personality and skills of Jerry Thomas, author of the 1862 classic bartender’s guide How to Mix Drinks, or The Bon Vivant’s Companion.  I can whole-heartedly endorse this combination for your own shelter-in-place robotic assistants!

Ah, but I do go on!  To the excellent winners, truly they are Alles in Butter!