Six, count ’em, six(!) tilts on the 4 o’clock sked! We’re not worthy! Off we go…
TO THE GAMES!
Colts/Raiders:
The Raiders haven’t looked like much recently, having had their arses handed to them by Atlanta and squeaking by the Jets thanks to Gregg. And now they might be without Jacobs again. Rook rb Taylor has put it into another gear-he’s converted 34% of his carries into 1st downs recently and LA has given up 50+ yards to 5 different rb’s over the last three weeks.
Jets/Seahawks:
There are some cracks showing in the Seahawks vaunted passing game that tore teams apart earlier in the year. Notably, Russ has been sacked more times since week 10 than anyone not named Wentz. But it’s the Jets and Seattle is angry and embarrassed-this should be over by the end of the 1st quarter.
Packers/Lions:
MVP chatter regarding Rodgers will only increase after he has his way with the Lions second worst secondary. (Hi there, Jets!) Things look good for rb Jones as well given that Detroit gave up three rushing scores just last week. Swift is finally back and it’s so easy to run on the Packers but you must wonder if he’ll be eased into playing-I’m guessing Peterson benefits and gets the red zone carries.
Saints/Eagles:
Kamara’s production be damned! Only three players (Henry, Chubbs and Gibson) have more rushing fantasy points than Taysom since he began starting. His passing numbers are all kinds of shitty and the Saints would be in all kinds of trouble if they fall behind in any game. Rook qb Hurts gets his very first start and would do well to mimic Hill if he wishes to be successful off the hop.
Falcons/Chargers:
Herbert should bounce back playing against one of only three D’s that has allowed more than 10% of plays to be explosive. (20yds passing, 15yds rushing) Still, one must also factor in Lynn’s dubious on-field coaching and his bewildering thought processes. The Chargers have all kinds of good, young talent on both sides of the ball and need to move on to someone else after the season.
Team/Niners:
J.D. McKissic has quietly become PPR league’s 24th ranked rb and while he’ll lose goal line work to Peyton Barber this week he’s quite startable. If Team’s D can get to Ben easily you know they’re going to make Mullen’s day a living nightmare.
Hit me with your best shot!
What shitty last play from the Niners. Not even ONE lateral!
If you had a QB less stupid, not that hard to burn 8 seconds tossing a Hail Mary out of bounds.
So…emergency QB > Haskins? Poor guy
Yeah, hard to not feel bad for how he was “developed”
The next QB that’s drafted by Team, I’m gonna legit write him, his agent, and his family a letter just saying DON’T
Aw, I hope those happy fat men enjoy the forest sex parties before they’re killed by Team’s medical staff
Team’s defense and something called Brandon Aiyuk are going to knock me out of the playoffs
*Glares at failed waiver claim for Team D*
Gorgeous catch and nice run. Too bad it won’t count for anything.
I decided to cut my acorn squash BEFORE I spark a doob. My fingers thank me.
Liouns going to recover the onside kick. Go packers. Lol
Must be the Fuck Lions. The Jim Caldwell Cuck LioUns don’t even try the onside kick.
Oh, the Saints had that one, too.
Man, did PHI ever deserve to lose that game. I guess NO could still lose the division to the unthinkables, too.
Do we have a god of chaotic outcomes in the NFL pantheon?
Eastofus?
I’d say you now have dibs on Naming Rights!
ILLUYEAST
The last hour of FITBAW hasn’t exactly been GOOD, but I sure as shit am entertained.
Holy shit, I have Jared Cook in my line-up.
Now I’m only gonna lose by 40!
My DFOball fantasy team had enough juice to make it to the playoffs, but this week they’ve done whatever the butt equivalent of dry heaving is
Uh…does Pedersen know how time works?
He just knows it’s a flat circle.
Not that I am complaining, needed that TaysomDOWN!
Chase Daniels with the TD run. BLEERGH says NO
Hey look! It’s 4:20!
Sudden change in San Frazona? Under Review.
Oh Football Team choking this away would be delish.
It’s a thing they do
By a pinkie!
Crap. (Bold mixing of plaids by Pereira.)
Goes surprisingly well with football:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbNsJWtjX9U
Do the Eagles have a pass rusher named Jock Sweat?
It’s official. I’m gonna start charging for dinner.
God DAMN that chicken parm was fucking amazing.
Now I got a glass of red and well, all bets are off.
Woo Bolts!
Kicking to lounge music is really quite relaxing
Shitty Clippers almost didn’t call the timeout in time. DOINK upcoming.
I apologize to no one for thinking the Cardiac Seahawks wouldn’t cover, because we got that curb-kicking and/or shit-stomping out of it. YOU’RE WELCOME AMERICA.
If there are people who have a nose fetish, they must really be getting off on all the noses peeking coyly outside of masks on every. single. sideline.
Yeah but now everytime I use one everyone calls it a “symbol of racism” or something. Oh wait you said “nose.”
One of the strange side effects of this year is nobody says “That girl (or dude) is hot” because how can you tell?
Pretty interesting interception-off taking place in Clipperland.
Sees Cam Akers and his 23.4 points on the Iguana Mart Burble Borble bench.
“Dammit.”
You are killing me no?
Projections have you winning by 3 right now.
OH, that won’t happen.
Woo! I forgot I had Mancini’s soundtrack to Peter Gunn! The Eagles are looking suave to these tunes!
Oh Shitty Clippers, never change.
This has just been an epic, mutual pitch shitting. Perfect for the franchises involved.
Me, every time Jalen Hurts gets his name mentioned:
I like Juszchyk for maximizing Eastern European consonant combinations in his name
“Smith it is!”
Ellis Island intake officer, on meeting Juszchyk’s great grandfather.
Gotta go with Jones, same first syllable
You can’t buy a vowel on the Polish edition of Wheel of Fortune.
Ha! Next on Zymm’s list of college vinyl, in alphabetical order, Antiproduct!
Aw man, I used to do the best 5 second crustcore imitation
The Dr. Mrs. vastly overvalues the prospect of having food delivered to the house considering that going out to pick up food is pretty much the ONLY place we ever go now.
I tried grocery delivery a couple times. Both times they missed the time-slot, missed some items, made some bad substitutions for others. And it took me quite a while to shop it online anyways so I’ve abandoned the idea and just go get groceries on weekdays.
7 am on Thursdays for me. I just start my workday at 8 that day instead of 630.
Night times for me. Stores have their hours extended to midnight around here and they’re nice and empty at that time.
That’s what I do too. I tried delivery once and got moldy berries. No thanks!
The grocery store is astoundingly fun when it’s your only outing. Thank cthulu I have horseback riding.
I’m surprised you haven’t put a saddle on Cthulhu for that matter.
It’s not clear where his withers are
The call stands, because Fuck Detroit.
My longshot playoff chances require ATL/non-SD overtime, with at least two MOAR Younghoe FGs.
I have lost all 4 matchups dismally.
My day peaked with FC Metz winning me HT bet.
You know when mine did.
My opponent started the Rams D against NE this week, and I’ve been bowing gracelessly out of the play-offs ever since.
RRRRRRRRRAM IT!! D/ST is the only way I have any chance whatsoever.
Had to step away to restablish a monopoly on the diamond trade. Back to comment now. Did I mess any stunning displays of ineptitude or cromulence?
miss*
You see, I had been trying to phrase the Rhodesia joke just right and now I can stop!
I have bad news about some of your statues.
Some people don’t appreciate that all civilized men south of the Zambezi now have equal rights.
I am LOVING THIS! Don’t be a stranger, new Imaginary, Colonial Friend!
[points in general direction of Las Vegas]
C’mon, Dok. I know these plucky generic fuckers are pulling at yer heart strings!
They’ve had a consistently inspiring D-line, but almost killing Trent Williams was the final nail, and I can’t watch them now without assuming they are all doomed
Also Dan Snyder still owns Team.
He probably wanted the higher draft pick, though. Not that he’s usually one much for reaching high.
I assume those be linked. An owner bears responsibility for a training and medical staff that consistently demean the reputation of Hollywood Upstairs Medical School, no matter who the coach
Humpceptionsix
Welp
Nick Mullens is really bad. Even by 2020 standards.
Beathard sighting!
Former Bartlett Administration Press Secretary CJ Cregg WOO!!!
Team-ception!
Charles Bronson:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAg-n2RzbQU
Time to dust my vinyl with the turntable needle. There’s nothing dissonant about listening to Against Me’s “Reinventing Axl Rose” while watching Red Zone, right? I was such a shitty Ancap in college, lol
Hmmm, nostalgia and 1.3 bottles of wine isn’t quite enough to make this good
Have you considered 1.4 bottles of wine?
I just skipped to the B-side.
“We’re all hypocrites
But you’re a patriot
You thought I was only joking
When I screamed out “Kill Whitey!”
At the top of my lungs
At the cops in their cars
And the men in their suits
No, I won’t take your hand
And marry the State
[Hook]
‘Cause baby, I’m an Anarchist
And you’re a spineless Liberal
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window
You left me all alone (all alone…)“
Christ, I shall have to re-write this NO/PHI blurb.
CHEESESTEAK V. MUFFALATA
Hey, fucko. I want absolutely fuckall to do with the 2020 Iggles! – Jeebus H. Christ, Heaven
Because when you have a late, 2-score lead on the NICK MULLENS Tomsulas, you absolutely run a crazy WR option pass at midfield. JEEBUS.
That’s usin ure brain Hippo.
Hey when you draft a quarterback in the first round, what are you supposed to do, use him to throwe the ball?
Philly football talkin guy must’ve just read a book about Ford cause he just gave the most strained analogy of all time comparing quarterbacks to cars.
No way that anyone from Philly can read
Would someone please give Alex Smith a hug?
And have that curse rub off on me, hell no
It’s like a chain letter. HUG 3 QBS WITH HORRIFYING INJURIES OR IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOOOOOOOU
/also if you have a spare leg
I still don’t understand why the Niners couldn’t just play at the French Laundry
It would’ve been a French mistake?
Sounds like steam escaping.
Nice drive for Herbert.
I know brand safety is all about not putting Disney ads on neo-nazi videos and shit, but it seems like putting ads full of peppy preppies on Joy Division or Echo and the Bunnymen videos is also kinda messed up
Blitzkrieg Bop got used to promote ATT a few years ago. Ruined the song for a while.
Gotta say, the Jason Myers revenge game is going great for him.
New Wave debate: Is the world Mad (Tears for Fears) or Ordinary (Duran Duran)?
The world is a vampire.
The world is flat – K. Irving
Just saw this on a NFL Stat tweet.
13 missed FGs and 5 missed XPs today.
Someone needs to draft that girl from Vanderbilt. She’s kicking 100%
Praise SHAN’KHOR in all her glory!
Damn ennui filled kickers