It’s Festive Fixtures time o’ year, when the Premiership plays seemingly every day, and we get Sabado NFL (Donks AND Black Panthers next week WOO!!!!).  But no matter whether one worships Sha’nkhor, Shan’khor, or even Shank’hor [Official Church Doctrine is Shan’klor- bloody schismatic wars have been fought over less] you were certainly sated yesterday.  And not JUST by way of Sergio Castillo, Blair Walsh’s Mexican, Non-Union Equivalent.  Though that dude wants to get the sack even MOAR than Adam Gase, it would seem.

[Closed captions for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]

The early slate?

So FUCK IT, it’s my column, and I will start with Horse Cock Lock’s FOUR scoring tosses, [Missouri alumnus and Drew Lock] as Donks WOO!! [Woo] celebrate their Superb Owl 50 Redux visit to Hippo’s hometown (during our Plague Year lockdown, obvs, we wouldn’t want Hippo to see his Donks live before he dies or anything) with a 32-27 win over the Black Panthers.  Denver was playing with its 3rd round rookie and a bunch of guys off the street at CB, but they actually held up pretty damned good.  It’s almost like Don [Vic] Fangio can establish a defense just fine.  This is something to build on, both for the coaching staff and the young QB – both of which should return for 2021 (in my view). [Elway can get stuffed though.]

We did get some early hilarity, with MRSA Dreamboat [Tampa Bay’s Tom Brady] missing multiple early, deep passes – to wide open Gronk and Godwin, respectively.  But fucking Minny couldn’t convert its early chances, especially when placement kicking was involved (paging Mister Winkles) [SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH].  The Shield made sure to page the officiating crew, and one bailout BLEERGH [bullshit flag] after another followed, until Tampa led 23-6.  Further hilarity ensued, watching Captain Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins] check down every goddamned play down 12, under 4 minutes to play, with NO FUCKING TIMEOUTS.  Christ, what a fuckhead.  [Troof] Still, MRSA Dreamboat finished under 200 yards, at home against a garbage barge pass defense.  We won’t be able to keep them out of the playoffs, but it should be “one and done” so long as they don’t luck into the 5 seed. [Oh God, they’re going to the Super Bowl…]

We’ve seen an amazing turnaround/rash of competence out of Los Gigantes [New Jersey Giants] the past month plus.  [I think there’s a cream for that]  That…abruptly crashed into a wall like a car driven after 9pm by Tony LaRussa.  Danny Dimebag [Daniel Jones] returned, to immediately fumble and spot the Qards [Arizona Cardinals] an early, never-relinquished lead.  26-7 was your ultimate final.  [This just in- the Arizona GOP has called for the Cardinals to secede from the NFC and join the XFL]  I noticed almost nothing from this game, soUrry.

This is how good the Fat Andy/Mahomesy Chefs have become.  They spotted a good Miami (stop laughing) [never] side a 10-zip lead, and committed 4 turnovers.  At the time of that 4th turnover?  KC led 30-10.  LOLfins drove the length of the field for a score, got a 3 and out and ANOTHER score…then Mahomes started paying attention, and methodically got first downs until the game-sealing FG with 70-ish seconds left.  Tua got them quickly in FG range, but the ensuing onsider was non-dramatic.  33-27, still one hell of a backdoor cover. [somethingsomethingLisaAnnsomething]

KC’s win clinched the AFC West, before Vegas even took the field.  But they hosted the Humps [Colts] in a game with massive Wild Card, Bitches! implications.  But in trying mightily to lose to the Jest last week, we all saw that the Raiders defense is MOAR imaginary than the 500s [alleged Texans] organization, or any of us reading and/or writing this column. [For newbies- it is an Article of Faith that we are all Imaginary Internet Friends, despite the fact that a number of us have met at DFOCons, hung out, donated organs to each other, etc.] Indy rolls, 44-27, with a nice Emo [Derek Carr] Pick 6 to make things silly.

I forgot to wrap the most forgettable early fixtures.  Red Rocket [Andy Dalton] achieved his mighty vengeance over the Bungles [self-explanatory], 30-7.  His stat line was the forgettable type Cincy was used to, but the Non-Gendered Cowperson [Dallas] defense did all the heavy lifting.  Or at least, they accepted the many gifts they were given by an injured, train wreck CIN offense.

I faced DonT and El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry] in DFO playoffs.  Uh…the Domestic Jaguras put up much less of a fight than their London counterparts.  [It’s a fair cop, guv’nah]  26 carries, 215 yards, 2 scores.  Yeah.  31-3 before TN quit trying, and Minshew Mania got one garbage time score.  You know, for old-times sake.

Chi**** [Bears] celebrated the beginning of their usual reversion to 8-8, beating the tar shit out of the 500s, 36-7.  I am not sure the 500s offense has a single NFL-calibre player, other than TheShaun.  [Tunsil isn’t tragic. Until you think about the players they could have gotten with the draft picks he cost] He’s gonna die out there, and right soon.

Back to the Late Show.  Remember how we expected the SeaTruthers to beat the hound [?] of their Joisey visitors last week?  Will, they got it right on the second go-round.  Good Lord, have the Jest ever packed it in.  [Is this another anal sex joke?]  Adding insult to injury?  Geno Smith finished off the last quarter-plus for Seattle.  And Jamal Adams got a cheapie Q4 sack to set the all-time, single season record for a DB.

RED ALERT!  We got a Dwayne Haskins sighting, to start the 2nd half in Santa Cl…I mean in Arizona against the Tomsulas [39ers. I’ve deducted 10 until Jimmy G comes back].  Fortunately for Dok [our estimable Doktor Zymm] and other Team fans, Chase Young had spotted him a 13-7 lead (Not Quite Ded Alex Smith was 8/19, 57 yards and a pick).  Pretty much solely Chase Young, but it was enough.  Nick Mullens is an absolute shitshow, tossing a Pick 6 on the last play of Q3 for a 23-7 very insurmountable lead.  Somehow, Mullens did still get them within 23-15, but the dream of all four NFC Westers in el torneo?  Es muerte.

The magic undies/golden plates struck midnight for One Taysom Hill (h/t, Litre) [Ok, that funny], as the freaking Iggles shut the Saints out in the first half.  [Damning] It would have been 20-nil, but the PHI placement kicker shanked a 22-yarder right at the death.  DFO’s favoUrite Stormin’ Mormon tossed two Q3 scores, but then lost a dagger fumble late, nearing tying-FG range.  PHI converted the gift into a clinching TD, 24-14 – until Pedersen’s idiocy (not taking a knee after missed FG under 2:00, fumbling, followed by TD and a near-successful onside kick).  Jalen Hurts?  [Probably- he did play a full game of tackle football] Looked pretty good out there.  Not great, but also not Dakota Jeebus [Carson Wentz].  And we have a 4-sided race again in the NFC Special Needs Division!

Bay of Green didn’t want the other State Farm horrible commercial actor to have all the fun, and their win over the no-Fuck Lions wrapped up the NFC North.  Detroit actually kept it close for awhile, but one half of competence was all they could muster.  31-24, fin – thanks to a 58-yard dagger from Mason Crosby (DET kicked a FG in the red zone after long KO return, but the onside kick failed).  The #1 seed is still very much in play, so the Packers won’t/can’t put things in cruise control.  Fat Stafford got hurt late, so should be a fun final 3 weeks in Michigan.  [Awaiting results on x-rays to the ribs.  Just shut him down, for the love of God.]

Sherman’s Ashes [Atlanta] ventured west to play Clippers du Merde [“Clippers of Shit”- the Chargers] and it was absolutely as bad as you’d imagine.  The Clips’ Keystone Kops routine at the end of the half cost them an easy FG, and summed up just how over his head Anthony Lynn is.  Yes, he took over responsibility for special teams leading into this game.  Sadly, they have already played the Jest, so they can’t be flexed to Week 17 SNF, which would absolutely be what 2020 deserves (even though said game would technically be in 2021).  ATL didn’t want this win, neither – with Matty Ice [Matt Ryan] throwing an idiotic late Q4 pickerception, well within Younghoe range.  But Herbert the Duck returned the favoUr, even later.  And then Matty was all like, nah, y’all take it back.  THREE PICKS in the final 3:30 or so of normal time.  Somehow, Clippers du Merde waddled into FG range in less than 30 seconds, despite a personal foul (post-change of possession).  Badgley surprisingly MADE IT from 43, and we don’t have to watch Extra Time.  Thank you, Lord above!

That leaves a fairly tasty SNF tilt, Yinzers away to Brokeback and Palz.  I toss you over to our Spiritual Leader, and resident Bills Mafia capo, Rev. Mayhem!!

[Men. MEN! I was fucking JAZZED for this game, because in Hippo’s words, we finally had the less evil/higher IQ quarterback for a change.  The first quarter was a complete fucking slugfest.  Not in the exciting “heavyweight fight before Don King killed boxing” sense, but in the “Jethro blew up the moonshine still, I guess we’ll go down to the American Legion and watch the slug races” sense.  The second quarter wasn’t much more promising– after a Tyler Bass field goal, things wound down toward a 7-3 halftime score.  BUT NOT YET! Fourth-rounder Taron “Not The Kid From Kingsman” Johnson intercepted The Ben and took it 55 yards TO THE PROVERBIAL HOUSE. Bass-O-Matic missed the XP, but the momentum had shifted. Josh Allen and Stefon Diggs caught fire, the defense went into overdrive, and the Bills gained something of a signature win, 26-15. Or perhaps it was the Steelers showing that their 11-0 start really was a fluke of weak opponents and advantageous scheduling.

Nope. SIGNATURE WIN, BITCHES! SUUUUUUPPPERRRR BOOOOOOOWLLLLL]