Let’s jump right in.
Fallout:
-Jalen Hurts has been announced as the Eagles starter next week. Funny how a bit of mobility upends a D that had a playbook predicated on blitzing the hell out of Wentz. Carson was the most sacked qb in the league when he was pulled. Hurts wasn’t sacked once and averaged 11 yards per scramble. He missed a few wide-open guys but Wentz was doing that anyway. At least this rook brings ‘watchability’ back to the position again. Any Eagles fans that screamed bloody murder when he was drafted care to backpedal?
-Guenther gone. The Raiders Defensive Coordinator (in name only) was in charge of a unit that had surrendered 29 more points than the 4-9 Chargers, including an average of 32.5 over the last four (1-3) games.
-Team is now fronting the most entertaining, fascinating and incompetent division in the NFL. It’s going to go down to the wire in the same way that “The Upper Class Twit of the Year” race did.
-Thank You For Being A Friend, is what I hoped Hassan Reddick tweeted to Danny Dimes after the former finished with 5 sacks and 3 fumble recoveries.
-[grumbles under breath] Stupid rook rb’s are finally getting their shit together after languishing on various benches. (in the league and fantasy) Jonathan Taylor and Cam Akers had themselves games yesterday and I’m sure Dobbins will bring the thunder tonight. [“sons a bitches”]
TO THE GAME!
Ravens/Browns:
-This won’t settle anything in the division but if the Ravens win they can muddy the picture a bit and if the Browns get the W they’re but one game behind the faltering, run game-less Steelers.
-Ravens will bring the heat because that’s what they do and because Mayfield struggles mightily in that scenario. Of the 32 qb’s with the most playing time Mayfield is ranked 31st and he’s had a 21-39 for 189 (1-1) line vs the Ravens and a 10-18, 119 (1-2) line vs the Steelers.
-Kareem Hunt is slowly being phased out of both the run and pass game as the season progresses. The under on his prop bet 46.5 rushing total looks tasty.
-If Marquise Brown is in your lineup things are looking good. He’s scored in 2 straight games and had the most receiving yards this year vs the Browns
-The Ravens Brandon Williams is back and he is essential to the Ravens run D. With him playing no team has gained more than 150 yards. When he’s been out the D has given up 194, 173 and 173.
-Also keep an eye on te Andrews if he’s a go. The Browns have given up 10(!) TD’s to opposing tight ends.
Make with the wheezing sounds and the jibber jabber, why don’t ya.
FUCK!!!!
Cleveland Coug’d it
Yesssss!
What if Justin Tucker also needs to poop though?
remember the kick 6?
This game sponsored by the good folks at “Cocaine”.
“Try it, you’ll like it!”
You can hear the crowd going “Oh crap.”
They’re hoping Lamar suddenly thinks the same thing.
PLAY THE BROWN NOTE!
This game is canceling out the NyQuil I took.
I’m glad the Browns are having some success, but can you imagine if the Jets had taken Mayfield, like they should have?
He would own New York.
Assuming, of course, that the Jets didn’t ruin him, which is probably the more likely outcome.
The Jets would have ruined Jesus Himself if they’d drafted Him to play QB.
And now, Parkey
Sponsored by the good folks at “Living On A Prayer”.
I thought the Make-A-Wish kids only got one time on the field?
HOLY SHIT
Hunt went through that tackle like it was a woman who insulted hi…
Wait, the NFL is trying to bury that narrative? Oh, never mind.
These are the Browns? The Cleveland Football team Browns?
Much like the Roman Empire, they’re setting you up for the fall.
Lucy holding the ball for Charlie Brown.
This game is nucking futs.
I FUCKING LOVE THIS BANANACAKES GAME!
I am so glad I remembered it was Monday night.
Lamar Jackson really was that kid who came out late for recess and was like, “Hey guys, what’d I miss?”
If ThePauls score, do you go for 2?
Why not? The shitbirds aren’t stopping anything. And there’s way too much time left for LAMAR!
I think you do now. 1:04 is way too much time for Lamar!
This has been the most entertaining game all season.
That Browns cb Mitchell is getting molested live on national TV and no one is doing anything about it.
It’s like I’m watching The Catholic Channel.
This game fucks.
HARD
What are the analytics on mid-game poops?
Sphincter Strength is gonna be a new measurable at the Combine
Like with most deep throws, proper placement is key for success.
Browns players take 32% less time to shit than players on other teams, as the unis hide signs of leakage
I thought that’s what a Brown was.
No need to wipe!!
Guess we’ll see if Brownies have reached “the next level”
So who had the over on 70 points?
Lamar Jackson, probably.
Radio commentator: Kurt Warner would you do down 1 point at the two minute warning?
ravens score 40 year field goal
Kurt Warner: i was gonna say, do that!
What the ever-fucking-hell is going on in this game?!
Are we sure one these teams aren’t the Seahawks in disguise?
Maybe they’re both the Seahawks.
They are playing hard (heh) and entertaining us.
Weird.
Browns’ safeties:
I know, let’s SAY GOODBYE TO HOLLYWOOD
Easy button
That is bananacakes.
Wait a minute is that Lamar Jackson’s music?
That was a long shit.
They just put a cork in his butthole.
Lamar’s back!
If Lamar would have gone to BYU and had them majik underpants this wouldn’t be a problem.
Emergency QB time!
Lamar is in the bathroom with the shits yea?
That’s the rumor. But he’s been out a while.
Maybe they don’t have his backup pants ready.
Bad crab cakes
Since a Pats playoff run appears evermore unlikely, I’m going all in on a Believeland SB run this year.
Is that you, Bill Belichick?
Well, it was his first head coaching job. Maybe he’s got a sentimental streak that he hides from the rest of us.
I’m gonna root for anyone coming out of the AFC except KC or PIT.
I want a wild card v. wild card Owl
Lowest seed vs lowest seed.
Yes! Even better since there’s the extra slot this year, so it’s teams that wouldn’t even have made the playoffs in a normal year
Premonition
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULW1AI_e2Sc
Damn
What the fuck is a “catch radius”?
I think it’s one of them new-fangled things that basically boils down to ‘reach’
Something else they can grade down for at the combine
To me it’s sorta something that pretends to measure how well a wr can adjust to a pass that was not thrown to the preferred spot. It punishes slot guys because they tend to run very quick, short routes and rewards dudes that go intermediate/long and are able to track a badly thrown ball in the air.
Are you one of them sciencey guys?
The Browns are going to make it to the AFC title game and be on the 1 yard line, with a first down and needing nought but a FG to beat the hated Steelers to go to their first ever Superb Owl, and then Godzilla is going to rise out of Lake Erie and incinerate everything.
Calling it now.
So, 2021 is going to start out as a continuation of 2020.
No, better, because Godzilla is going to destroy Cleveland.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvQWBXJOgAI
Sadness Factory, Duvals, 500s, FuckLions. 4 teams that have never been to the SB. I would love to see Cleveland cut that number by 25%.
If I had to pick an rb to wear down a D over the course of a game, Chubb is right there after Henry.
Fittingly, Chubb is a semi version of Henry.
What’s Freddie Kitchens up to these days? Riding the rails with Jim Tomsula?
What kind of rails?
I absolutely forgot tonight was Monday and just flipped the game on about 10 minutes ago.
It appears I’ve missed a surprisingly good game.
This is turning out to be rather entertaining
Didn’t think the score would be this high and glad I was all kinds of wrong.
That is my usual evening.
Well this game is decidedly less interesting with LAMAR! on the shitter.
Well now that you’re here don’t F it up
McSorley in white shoes though
Gloreeee Boy.
That was an incredibly Browns way to score a TD.
Announcers excitedly yakking about analytics as though they read about it the other day. Jeebuz.
LAMAR! needs Midol so Tracy will cheer instead.