Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 17, #NuAIDS Season

What a week, if one likes entropy.  And since you’re here, you most certainly do!

But first, a tip of the cap for the players, staff, and behind-the-scenes personnel who enabled all 32 teams to play all 16 fixtures.  This was predicted in these pages, but remember that I do tend to make lots of longshot bets.  It certainly was no easy feat, and it is certainly much appreciated.  Two good things happened in 2020 – Diamond Joe winning the Presidency, and the National Football League.  I know I needed both to keep my fool head out of the oven.

[Closed captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]

Even the meaningless games were (mostly) entertaining.  I mean, RedZone closed with the Donks [Hippo’s beloved Broncos] somehow gakking up a 31-24 lead to Vegas, despite punting after the 2-minute warning, with all timeouts burned.  Stupid, fat Chucky [Jon Gruden] then spoiled my Draw premonition by going for two.  And made it.  Fucking smirking asshole.  Still, the longest play of the highest-scoring RedZone season in history?  A 92-yard scoring pass from Horse Cock Lock [Drew Lock] to Judge [Jerry] Jeudy.  You can’t take that away from Hippo, Plague Year!

Anyway, Raiders win 32-31. [Booo] Fortunately, that came at the end of a veritable circus of action, so the anger was surprisingly mild.  Plus, picking 9th instead of 12th in April. [John Elway selects…a Bunch of Delicious Carrots, Idaho A&M]

Poor Miami.  [Fuck that noise. They tanked for Tua. Plus, no one in Florida deserves anything nice] Somebody in the AFC was going to be stuck without a chair when the music stopped, despite having 10+ wins.  Those plucky LOLfins had outperformed their peripherals all season, and WNY [Western New York] represented a brick wall of reality for that trend.  Despite pulling starters early in Q3, Buffalo put up 56 points.  Fucking ouch!  [Especially since Miami’s defense has been the sole reason for their success this season] One doubts BloodSugarFitzMagic [Ryan Fitzpatrick] would have made a difference, but Tua was indeed part of the problem.  Don’t let the gaudy yardage totals fool you, garbage time was deffo involved.  Bills 56, Miami 26.  [WOOOOOOOOO] A Scorinami for Week 17, how fitting.  [WE’RE #2! WE’RE #2! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO]

You wonder if Pittsburgh has any regerts, mailing it in with Mason Rudolph and allowing #ThePauls to end their epic playoff drought.  [Pittsburgh is a town constructed entirely out of regrets, an undeserved sense of accomplishment and low-density lipids] For they will now likely be on the road in wintry Buffalo, should they win next week’s re-match with these very same #ThePauls.  [Unlikely. The Ben has nothing left, and they have no run game]  Somehow, PIT was in position to tie things up at the death, but the 2-pointer (and ensuing onside kick) failed, leaving Believeland 24-22 winners, and in the tourney.  The game was kind of a turd, and it’s hard to see either club making much noise in such a loaded AFC bracket.

That leaves one last slot (PHRASING!), with Coach Flores and crew needing the Jaguras to complete their season sweep of the Humps [Colts].  An early 20-zip lead shrank to 20-14, before Indy decided to start playing defense again.  Duuuuuvvvvaaaaalllll’s men could score no further, and despite Old Man Rivers looking quite…old – 28-14 would be your final, and Indy would get to head to Buffalo.  I’m sure Laserface will play much better in those conditions, eh?  [A haiku: Laserface throws one/ Like Zubaz above tables/ Floats there forever]

Technically, Indy still had a chance at the division, if only the 500s [Houston] could manage a home win over DonT’s Magnificent Tits.  There’s no D in those Tits of late [pity], and Week 17 would be no exception.  Derrick Henry would Tractorcito his way to freaking 250 yards (taking him over 2K for the year) and two scores…and it would BARELY be enough.  Tennessee went from 24-9 and 31-15 up to a 35-31 deficit, before re-taking the lead with under 2 minutes left.  Miraculously (by their standards), they held TheShaun [DeShaun Watson] and crew to a FG on the ensuing possession.  Everyone (at least me) surely expected the OT coin toss to be decisive.  But Tanny Fanny [Ryan Tannehill] unleashed an absolute dime to Noted Transformer AJ Brown [?], who made a great catch all the way inside the 25.  But wisely, TN ran another play, with Henry picking up 4 more.  They needed every inch, as the pushed, winning FG glanced IN off the right upright.  41-38, and the Titans win the AFC South and host…

Baltimore.  Yeah, they’s shit hot, and the Bungles offered no resistance.  Check this Brandon Allen passing line – 6 of 21, 48 yards, 2 pickerceptions.  For an entire, non-weather game.  He was never replaced.  At 10-nil, Lamar! threw a pick of his own, and Hippo wondered “why not just run every fucking play?”  They went on to finish with a ridiculous 404 yards on the ground.  Fuck a duck, what an epic Wild Card tilt that shapes up to be.

I’d wager that the saddest matchup of the day was Fat [Matt] Stafford against Cap’n Dingleberry [Kirk Cousins].  But even that one involved video game scoring.  Mostly because neither defense could be arsed, but all the same.  SKOL [Minnesota] got a lucky TD after a wretched roughing the passer call (on 4th and goal), and later stopped a no-Fuck Lions 2-point try for the decisive margin.  37-35, and not a fun season for either of these squadrons.  Lukewarm oatmeal, indeed.

Almost fun fact!  New England entered Week 17 with a fighting chance to have fewer than 10 passing TDs, for only like the 2nd time in recent memory.  The Chefs did it, right before Andy Reid came to town.  But the Jest secondary was quite accommodating, having already spoiled the Prison Girlfriend [Trevor Lawrence] draft pick.  Three touched down passes for Cam, and one more for Jakobi Meyers (which Cam caught).  28-14, P*ts.  Both franchises look in pretty sad shape.  Hey, at least Adam Gase got the sack.  That has to be some silver lining, for Gangrene.

Team MRSA [Tampa] got to finish with Sherman’s Ashes [Atlanta] at home, and won 44-27.  Let’s speak of that NO MOAR. [Agreed]

All season, I have sung the praises of Teddy Ballgame [Bridgewater], who helped his Black Panthers consistently punch above their weight.  Well, he started leaking a little oil in Week 17, and the wheels eventually fell all the way off.  N’Awlins, down their entire RB room (their actives had a total of ONE carry between them – COMBINED – coming into Week 17), won in a walk.  33-7, but needing help for that coveted bye.  They wouldn’t get it, but the 2 line at least ensures two home fixtures.

The AFC’s one line was settled already, so the Chefs rested everyone and lost to Clippers du Merde, 38-21.  I noticed nothing, except that Everyone’s 2019 Auction Sleeper (Darwin Thompson) finally making a few plays.  Ah, fantasy.  It will be the death of me.

You’ll do well to see any 6-win NFL seasons more impressive than what My NAME Is JUDGE! and his Gigantes pulled off.  Lord knows, their finale win over the “everybody was counting them in as the ‘hot’ team” Non-Gendered Cowpersons…was neither artful nor easy.  Danny Dimebag [Daniel Jones] was on point early, but it wouldn’t last.  Joisey A would be holding on for dear life, as their lead shrank all the way down to 20-19.  Long FG (set up by a non-challenged, non-catch) took the lead up to 4, which would prove crucial.  Inside the red zone, but needing six…Red Rocket poked out, in the form of a critical pickerception.  Two runs yielded the winning first down, but OH NOES.  You could see Wayne Gallman’s mind kick in, saying “you need to go down, so DAL can’t strip it – we can go victory formation, otherwise” – and he freezed up entirely, dropping the ball.  But whereas the Jest gave humanity the Butt Fumble, Los Gigantes got the Butt Recovery (h/t to live blog) – as Gallman squeezed his cheeks over the ball like a mama bird…and the zebras called him down with control.  VAR let the call stand, in all likelihood for lack of a clear, immediate recovery (there was a pile up of maybe 20 dudes in the aftermath).  23-19, fin.  Would it be enough to give the world the gift of the first 6-10 (that was 1-7 at the turn) NFL playoff participant?  Only SNF knows!

Aside from SNF, we still have three late window fixtures to wrap up all other NFC playoff scenarios.  First, RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!!! and “Guy from Wake Forest Hippo doesn’t remember despite supporting an ACC school” at quartered back.  Needing a win, unless Chi**** lost.  Didn’t look great.  But alas, Kyler Murray re-injured him hamstring owie almost immediately, and missed most of the game.  His CFL (or AAF, I got the two backups confused) replacement was waaaayyyyyy shittier than Wake Forest Guy.  Or maybe LA just had a much better defense.  Anyway, a glorious safety made it 7-5 Qards at the break (triggering childhood memories of a similar occurrence, because that’s just how my brain rolls), but it was all RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! from there.  Touchdown, FG, FG, countered by a big, fat NUTHIN.  No playoffs for Koach Kliff, despite putting enough elephant tranqs into Kyler that he was able to gimp through Q4.

Nobody was MOAR relieved than the Bearistocrats!, who were in the middle of getting their shit pushed in by A.A. Ron and pals – I mean, A.A. Ron and co-workers.  Bollo [Mitch Trubisky] led his charges to an opening drive TD, then was outscored 35-9 the rest of the way.  But thanks to a tiebreaker over the Qards, Chi**** is your 8-8 7th seed.  A trip to NO awaits, which will be significantly easier if scheduled for Saturday (as Bitchin’ Kamara would run out of time to clear #NuAIDS protocols).  UPDATE – Nope, The Shield schedules NO/CHI for 4:40 on Sunday, neighboUrs shall be run over.  Bay of Green gets the 1 seed, and all NFC Owl dreams must go through wintry Lambeau.  Mathematical fluke – CHI is the first playoff qualifier to have suffered a 6-game losing streak in the same season.

My brain hurt from the scenarios involving playoff seeding with a GB loss.  I tried making it all sensible when it looked like CJ Cregg [Beathard] was going to lead her Tomsulas to a stunning home win (in Arizona, because Plague Year).  But Q4 Russell Wilson turned on the charm, and finally pulled away for a 26-23 win.  Turned out not to matter, SeaTruthers were the 3rd seed regardless, thanks to GB and NO wins.  They’ll get division frenemy RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!, likely still led by Wake Forest Guy.  What will become of our Baby Buster? [He busted]

So…Iggles and ‘Dacteds, with the Special Needs Division on the line.  I really wanted to see those plucky 6-10 Gigantes do it!  But it seemed Philly…cared much less than I did.  Team got their first opening drive score OF THE SEASON (an effortless TD), then quickly extended same to 10-nil.  But Hurts got untracked, two TD runs later and things looked Big Blue.  Alas, a really fucking stupid offside BLEERGH (on 4th and 4) kept the WAS 2-minute drill going, and they made it count for a 17-14 halftime lead.

But Philly did the square root of fuckall in the second half.  Que lastima.  I closed this draft upon a failed 4th and goal, near the end of Q3.  Time will show that I was correct?

This post was long af.  This post was not proofread.  See y’all for an absolute Bacchian orgy of a Wild Card Weekend.  Just survive the week, FITBAW has MOAR for us yet. [WOOOOOOOOOOOOO]