2020 Quotables – Divisional Round (Results)

Ah! I meant to use this Friday’s Quotables results post to talk about the early January announcement that Children of Bodom lead man, Alexi Laiho, passed away sometime in December. Now, I’m not the musiciophile around here that many of you are — in fact, I’m well on the opposite side of the spectrum — but I did see Bodom because one of the few music things I’ve been to* was the like Mayhem Festival (feels like it was “presented by Monster Energy”) in, probably, 2014 or so.

Then, since there is nothing going on right now, I was going to pivot to a BOTG where I have little stories about this kid who really wanted to get his shirt signed by everyone in Bodom because he was like BIG TIME Hate Crew (their fan base). Oh, but I’d first have to explain my buddy Razzy and how he’s all into metal and so I went with him on like July 5th to this fucking outdoor music venue in west Phoenix and it was hot and all day and really the big punchline to the whole day is that Razzy, who is a legit metal fan and kept striking up conversations with other legit metal fans about the festival would end up having the same snippet of conversation with every single other person there:

Razzy: So who are you here to check out?

Fellow Ticket Holder: Oh man, I’m stoked to see [starts listing band names and songs they hope to catch] so, you know, pretty much everybody……except Five Finger Death Punch, those guys fucking suck.

Never said with any sort of anger or malice but also making it crystal clear that they were not there to see Five Finger Death Punch in any way, shape, or form because those guys factually fucking suck. And then that was going to be funny but the true point of the story is that I went to that show with Razzy specifically to see Bodom play Downfall, which is like the one metal song I’d sort of shown interest in and it’s their typical closing song. The about 2014 or 2015 possibly-presented by Monster Energy Mayhem Festival Children of Bodom performance in a not-main stage sitting in a parking lot in like 115 degree weather was, apparently, one of the handful of times they did not play Downfall and so, naturally, that was the one time I saw Bodom in concert.

A few other highlight included:

1. Some early day band coming on stage and being like, “WHERE ARE ALL MY SERIAL KILLERS AT?!” and just like all these young, white, school-aged, males pumping their fists up in the air and screaming in the affirmative while I was thinking, there’s no way all these kids are serial killers.
2. The merch included these like foam prop Hannibal Lecter masks. I’m not sure which band sold them but they were seemingly popular with the young serial killer crowd.
3. The most popular merch, however, was a basketball jersey with the Five Finger Death Punch stuff on the front and, where the name goes on the back, it read — and this is really edgy — Capitalist. I didn’t even know where to start with that and, being more of a visitor in a foreign culture, I just kept quiet and hoped no one judged my salmon Guess tank top the same way.
4. We left after Bodom as the main stage was getting ready for the evening headliners (like FFDP) and it was really great to see all the kids who had been there all day just like sincerely partying in the heat and just running around listening to bands and doing the merch stuff and fan meets — it was actually a really fun day and I had no business being there — leaving all sweaty and ready to move on to their evenings as all the old guys showed up with their biker bitches in their fresh Affliction gear to grab $80 worth of plastic Bud Light bottles before heading to rock out to FFDP in their premium seats under the main stage. When I first saw Jeff Lowe appear on Tiger King, I was like, “that guy was totally showing up to the Mayhem Festival at 6:45 PM in fresh leathers.”

All this to say, I didn’t get to the post so here is Downfall in Alexi’s memory I guess and, below that, your Divisional Round Quotables results.

* When this is all over [appropriate disclosures assumed] I am totally going out and taking the most prime spots to make up for my lost time. Like, I’m gonna get that table by the DJ that Johnny Manziel got at Hakasaan when he wore the wig and all that. And everyone is gonna wanna party and be around other cool people and dancing and I’m just gonna be like, “well, boring old blax is in the bottle service tables because was working out in the sticks at y’alls age and now he’s gonna enjoy the fruits of his labor.” And it’ll probably ruin everything for the youngins partying but, then again, maybe they’ll see me as cool like Joe Biden and wonder what hip black lady will replace me when I die if they play cool. I dunno. Just a warning to anyone making big plans for the Beginning of the World^tm again.