You know what I love about the post-January 20 news cycle? How comparatively banal it is.  Yes, Smirkin’ Joe is signing executive orders left and right, but 99% of that is just trying to undo damage done over the last 4 years.  Yes, COVID still rages, but we are largely numb to mass casualties at this point.

Five weeks ago we were debating whether the Joint Chiefs of Staff were going to have to bodily carry the former president out of the White House, and whether the nuclear launch codes had already been secured.  Three weeks ago, we were sorting through pictures of the sacking of our Nation’s Capitol and trying to figure out how much of the police and military would be on the rebel side if push came (back) to shove. Ten days ago, we started holding our breath.

Today? Today the big news is how a bunch of hedge fundies are getting their shit pushed in by a bunch of not-terribly-organized internet trolls.  (Seriously, check out Rikki’s explanation- it’s solid gold.)  Will it break the market? No.  Is it an existential threat to our way of life? No.  Will some innocent idiots probably get gutted when they realize that pushing their life savings into an effort to ruin rich people will not make them richer when the stock price comes back down? Oh yes.  But I admire their commitment to the bit.

Today, society’s ire is largely focused on Robinhood, the stock trading app/service/all-night dry cleaner that many of the Reddity Folk used to make their run on GameStop and similar shorted stocks.  You may remember Robinhood from that Infinite Money Glitch that made them look like amateurish buffoons.  Well, they decided (or claim their clearing house required them) to restrict their clients’ ability to purchase Gamestop and several other stocks.  They are not the only ones (Schwab and TD Ameritrade made similar moves) but given their populist messaging, it was especially jarring for Robinhood.  Ostensibly a measure to protect those same poor retail investors, the reality is that the People Who Matter needed to put a stop to the masses Fucking With Their Money.  And it sort of worked: the price went from $265 at open to $112. Then Up again. Then down again to close at $193.60.  Politicians on both sides started firing on Robinhood, with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez blasting them for manipulating the market to protect the super-rich, then Ted Cruz seconding her, then Ocasio-Cortez telling him to shut the fuck up, you tried to get me killed 3 weeks ago.  Even the folks who had been saying some regulatory changes might be needed (to protect the poor hedgies) seem to think Robinhood deciding who can buy which stocks is…problematic. Two class action suits are already underway in SDNY, which is…just terribly impressive.   Robinhood has reversed course somewhat, saying they will allow limited buys tomorrow- a solution that seems to have pleased no one.

The reality is that this is like any gold rush: at the end of the day, the only ones who really get rich are the ones selling picks and shovels. So although I issue no financial advice, I personally will be investing heavily in popcorn stocks.

On the STICK TO SPROTS front, it was a (relatively) quiet day.

‘Arry Kane got injured as Tottenham Hotspur continued to be the Buffalo Bills of the Premier League.

Ron Rivera is Cancer Free, although unfortunately the WFT continues to have a 5’6″ malignant growth in the owners’ box.

The Houston Texans decided to hire David Culley of the Baltimore Ravens as their next coach.  Who is David Culley? A 65 year-old career assistant who coached the Ravens’ receivers and was the “passing game coordinator” for the last two years.  As ESPN helpfully pointed out, the Ravens finished last in the NFL in passing.  He is African-American, which is nice.  He also looks a lot like famed character actor John Schuck to me.

This means that the Wheel of Coaching has once again come to a halt, and once again Eric Bieniemy is still a semi-offensive coordinator instead of a bride.

Alas, this apparently has not been enough to placate Deshaun Watson, who essentially confirmed that he demanded a trade weeks ago, and that no this does not change his mind.  LET THE DICK-MEASURING CONTEST BEGIN!  Frankly, my bet is on the white guys with small penises and large amounts of money.  Watson does have a no-trade clause, so the Texans can’t unilaterally pull a spiteful move like dumping him in Detroit.  No doubt this will be an ongoing saga for most of the rest of the off-season; again, I have one word for you:

No, wait: popcorn.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

FUCK ALL!

No, wait.  There is a little something. Hardwood Football, for what that’s worth:

Portland v. Houston– 6:30 DFO Time on TNT

Golden State v. Phoenix– 9:00 DFO Time on TNT

At this point, I suggest ether.  It’ll get you to the weekend.