Part 2: Draft Plan Boogaloo
Setting: The Virginia Mason Athletic Center, Renton, WA. February 10, 2021
Ext. A fourth floor office.
Two men sit at desks, surrounded by interns feverishly sorting through papers. A buzz of voices clutters the background. Pete Carroll & John Schneider sit at a table. In the background, a Russell Wilson interview is playing on a TV.
Pete Carroll: …and that’s how the guys behind 9/11 came up with the AstraZeneca vaccine. But don’t worry, John – I’ll take the Moderna vaccine, because it’s American, dammit!
John Schneider: Right Pete. That’s good news… I’m not sure what that has to do with the kicking game, per se, but let’s get back to reviewing what the players had to say in their exit interviews.
PC: I guess we’d better figure out this whole Russell situation, then.
JS: What do you mean, Pete?
PC: People are starting to become concerned. First there was the interview,
and now there’s the fact that the front office sent out a letter to season ticket holders and didn’t mention Russell.
JS: We didn’t mention a bunch of people! Why are everyone’s panties in a knot about Russell?
PC: I can give you about 32 million reasons, John.
JS: Fucking bargain now. Did you see how much that Texas lunatic gave Prescott?! *laughs uncontrollably* 
PC: I’m serious John. I think the time has come that we have to re-evaluate our draft strategies.
JS: What? Re-evaluate? How can we re-evaluate something we didn’t have in the first place?
PC: Okay, fine. Let’s devise a pl-
JS: *anger increasing* I mean, you need a plan to be in place before one can attempt to re-examine the original plan.
PC: I hear you. Now, let-
JS: *getting louder* I mean, who are the fans to question our plan? Did they spend hours reading Schefter tweets on the shitter trying to figure out who to trade our top draft pick to? NO! 
PC: (to himself) aww crap – here it comes…
JS: For fuck’s sake, Pete! (pounds table) What is the deal with this town?! We brought this lousy place a Super Bowl but they just won’t stop bitching!
Pete Carroll keeps sipping his coffee, preferring to let the haboob blow itself out.
JS: And the media in this town. Who are these fucking geniuses? One station actually fired John Clayton, and the other one has a guy named “Softy”. At least Raible knows what’s good for him! Christ – every time one of these pricks gets a bug up their ass I gotta hear about it from everyone who’s ever attended a Rotary Club brunch in this town! Thank God that was the Mariners.
PC: (calming tone) Look John. I just think we might want to consider a…nother strategy when it comes to building the 2021 team.
JS: (soap opera shriek) Oh God – we’re breaking up, aren’t we?!
PC: No John. But as much as I enjoy going to water polo meets and javelin competitions with you, I think it might actually be time to recruit players that are suited for the positions we need them to play.
JS: (looks quizzically at Pete Carroll) *angry tone* What the hell, man?! Did you get fucking religion after the season ended?
PC: (calming tone) Not any more than I had before. (Pulls out wallet & looks wistfully at a picture of Rocky Seto) 
It’s just that I think Russell really means it this time.
JS: Pete, he means it every time. It’s why he held us by the balls when negotiating his contract extension. He can’t just expect to be ‘given’ the money. He’s got to earn it. So what if he has to run around a little bit now & then?
PC: But not like last year. He’s been sacked an average of 46 times per season since 2015.
JS: So? Quarterbacks get hit – that’s part of the job description. Besides, when did you ever care about math?
PC: Not that many times. It’s a big number. He’s approaching David Carr territory.
JS: (quizzically) DAVID Carr? There’s more than one? (furtively taps pencil on desk) Remind me again – is that the one Gruden hates?
PC: No; he’s the older brother. The one that looks like he roofies dates instead of reading them poetry.
PC: John, we should have gone farther than we did this season, but I think the effort just wore him down. Besides, I think there are pieces of his skin still under Aaron Donald’s fingernails.
JS: I still think we can…
PC: John! We have to face facts. Russell is in a dangerous place right now. He’s starting to sound like David Koresh.
Lord YOU REIGN! Forever!
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) March 29, 2021
JS: *exasperated* Fine! Where’s that file on O-line prospects?
PC: Uhh,… I think it’s in my filing cabinet. Let me go get it. From my office. You wait here…and I’ll go get it.
Pete Carroll leaves the table and hurriedly walks to his office. Inside, he walks over to a trash can labeled “2021 Draft picks”. “Never thought I’d get the chance to use this,” he thought to himself as he exited the room.
PC: Found it John! Pete Carroll returns & sits back down across from John Schneider.
JS: Good. Now, what’s (O-line coach Mike) Solari up to? 
PC: I think he’s at home with the wife, trying to remember what Brent Jones smells like. Why?
JS: Well, if we are going to go evaluate talent, I don’t want some third wheel tagging along & harshing the buzz.
PC: (excitedly) You sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’?
JS: You know it!
Both: ROAD TRIP!
To be continued…
So I learned from this you can write about a Duke boy and not even mention Cooter AND that a haboob is not analogous to a ha’penny. But in a world where folks use “literally” to mean “figuratively” . . . fuck it, I’m going deep, to wit:
“Hey Cooter, check out that skimpy tube top on Daisy Duke — you can see nearly haboob!”
OR
“Too bad about that AT&T girl getting all pissed on Twitter about folks commenting on her body — but c’mon didja see the haboobs in that red carpet picture?”
/does not know how Urban Dictionary works so one of you whipsmart netizens will need to get on this!
(laconic Waylon Jennings voice) Now I just know them ‘Hawk boys are up to somethin…
This episode of “Oh The Places You’ll Go” is brought to you by Vitamin Water. Cures those concussions right up!
Wilson sounding like Koresh killed me. Bravo.
I didn’t even have to make it up. It’s all right there on his feed.
Wilson as Koresh is exactly what Week 18 NFL SMASHMOUTH GRIDIRON FOOTBALL will be all about.
I’m still mostly dead!
I’m hearing initial reports that today’s oral arguments in the antitrust case at the Supreme Court did not go well for the NCAA. Always dangerous to read those tea leaves, because sometimes the justices press hardest on the side that they end up ruling for, but if nothing else, it sounds like the whole “sacred tradition of amateurism” argument was not going over well.
Could you elaborate for those of us who don’t bother with anything legal because all* attorneys should be killed.
*every single person with more than one semester of law school, as a purity test.
Here’s a good background of the case, written prior to the oral argument:
Amid March Madness, antitrust dispute over college athlete compensation comes to the court – SCOTUSblog
If you want a slightly shorter version: some students sued the NCAA under antitrust laws, claiming that it is essentially a conspiracy to fix wages (at zero) for athletic labor. The District Court, as affirmed by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, granted partial relief in the form of ruling that the NCAA’s restrictions on benefits related to education are unlawful, though those unrelated to education were valid.
The NCAA petitioned the U.S. Supreme Court to hear the case, which it agreed to do. A lot of the argument is about what standard of review courts should apply to antitrust cases involving college sports. Normally, an agreement among multiple employers to fix wages would be a “per se” (automatic) antitrust violation. In the context of sports leagues, though, court usually — as the lower courts here did — apply something called the Rule of Reason test, which basically means that anticompetitive restrictions can be upheld if they are justified. The NCAA’s position here seems to be that (1) its rules on athlete compensation should be assessed under an even more generous “quick look” standard; and (2) even under the Rule of Reason, the lower courts erred because these restrictions are necessary to preserving key features of their product, i.e. “amateurism” and competitive balance.
It’s been reported that several of the justices seemed quite skeptical of the NCAA’s arguments. Even Justice Thomas — who rarely speaks at oral argument — asked a question about why NCAA coaches can have multimillion dollar contracts if “amateurism” is such a vital feature of college sports.
If the NCAA loses, this won’t mean huge dramatic change — you’re not going to see players getting salaries — because the lower courts gave only limited relief (things like post-graduate scholarships, graduation awards, study abroad programs), and the injunction wouldn’t apply to individual athletic conferences (though if the conferences colluded with each other to agree to adopt the same rules, that could spark a new round of litigation).
Thx.
Russel and Ciara were at the Stanford game last night, again, rooting on his little sister. So, him, doing the armchair QB thing from the stands, is even leading a team to victory. $32M really is a bargain!