Oh God. Oh Christ. It’s the day before the draft, and I’m back in this stupid thing again. This isn’t V2.0 anymore; if I’m being honest it’s about V5.0. This year’s draft is shaping up to be bananacakes. I suspect all the trades before the draft are just an appetizer for the trades that are going to be made during the draft. Everyone’s been locked up due to Covid and has more pent up energy than a young Horatio Cornblower headed off to his first high school dance. Let’s hope that the GMs can direct that energy in a more productive fashion than I did. Yeesh.

That said, both the GMS and young Horatio do seem fans of doing things prematurely, as yet another trade, this one Denver grabbing Teddy Bridgewater from Carolina for a 6th-round pick, has me back in here editing again. And no one knows that the 49ers are going to do at 3, which in turn has the potential to screw about 8 different things up beyond it. I am looking forward to this draft very much, especially because it means I can stop writing about it, but I have virtually no faith in any pick beyond the first two.

(AUTHOR’S NOTE: Just to add to the fun, the Bears and especially the Saints are now rumored to be pushing a lot of chips forward in an effort to get into the Top 10, no doubt to get a QB for the Saints, and the third-ranked punter for the Bears)

As is tradition, I’ll be comparing my picks to Peter King’s. Remember, he gets 7 figures for this; I get…nothing.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

Record: 2-14

Top Needs: QB, TE, DL, S, OL

The pick: Clemson QB Trevor Lawrence. No change.

PK: Trevor Lawrence

2. New York Jets

Record: 2-14

Top Needs: QB, CB, OL, Edge, TE

The pick: Zach Wilson, QB, BYU. A bit of a change from the first version, in that I was sure Wilson would go here, just not sure that it would be the Jets who drafted him. Since then, however, the Jets shipped Darnold and his crayons to Carolina for three draft picks and some magic beans. They didn’t do that to draft a TE or OL, so Wilson goes to the Jets and his career, like most jets in NYC, goes up in flames.

PK: Zach Wilson.

Watch the Jets take Kyle Pitts just to fuck with everyone.

3. San Francisco 49ers (from Miami, via Houston)

Record: 6-10

Top Needs: QB, CB, DL, OL, TE

The Pick: A couple of years ago I started to hear a lot of talk that the Jets were going to take Sam Darnold instead of the original favorite, Baker Mayfield. I had Mayfield as my pick, but thought about changing it because there was just so much about Darnold being the new favorite. I didn’t, the Jets took Darnold, I was wrong, and the Jets went on to…well, to pretty much suck, just like always. So far I’ve had Trey Lance going here and Justin Fields going here. But, one again, there is just so much information about the 49ers wanting Alabama QB Mac Jones here, and this year I am not going to ignore it. Even though I, personally, (who is an idiot), would take either Lance or Fields over Jones, I think the 49ers are going to take Jones here. If they don’t, hat tip to them for a truly masterful class in disinformation.

PK Pick: Mac Jones

4. Atlanta Falcons

Record: 4-12

Top Needs: EDGE, CB, OL, S, QB

The Pick: I’ve gone back and forth between Penei Sewell and Kyle Pitts here. I had Sewell here in the original Version 2.0, but now I’m back to Florida TE Kyle Pitts. Believe it or not, I’m persuaded by the dynamic duo of Dan Orlovsky, (who literally ran out of the wrong end of the end zone), and Mina Kimes, (who is freaking adorable and devastatingly intelligent), who combined to point out that the Atlanta offense would be a friggin’ juggernaut with Pitts, (Kimes), and that Atlanta, while likely to be besieged with offers for this pick by teams looking to move up and grab Lance or Fields, Atlanta is going to have to demand so much to justify passing up a chance at Pitts, a generational talent at TE, (Orlovsky), that it’s hard to see anyone being able to meet those demands.

PK Pick: Kyle Pitts

5. Cincinnati Bengals

Record: 4-11-1

Top Needs: OL, EDGE, WR, TE, DT

The pick: With Pitts back in Atlanta, Oregon OL Penei Sewell is back in Cincinatti, and Redshirt’s TV is safe from bricks.

PK Pick: Ja’Marr Chase, WR, LSU. A good pick, especially with his connection with Burrows, but I think the Bengals would be better served keeping Burrows upright.

6. Miami Dolphins, from Eagles

Record: 10-6

Top Needs: WR, EDGE, OL, RB, LB

The pick: LSU WR Ja’Marr Chase . No change from V1.0

PK Pick: Jaylen Waddle, WR Alabama. If I didn’t have Sewell going to the Bengals I would agree with this, because Cincy will take either Chase or Sewell, and the Dolphins are absolutely taking a WR here.

7. Detroit Lions

Record:5-11

Top Needs: WR, LB, S, CB, OL

The Pick: An anonymous guy I chat with on Twitter, (@tholzerman: do you like socialism with your professional wrestling? Give him a follow), has convinced me that my concerns about Alabama WR Devonta Smith weighing less than my legs are overblown. After all Tyreek Hill weighed about 170-175 coming out of college, and he’s managed to make a pretty decent career for himself in the NFL, with absolutely no concerns outside of the lines for Mr. Hill. None at all. Let’s all just move on and try to forget what horrible people we are for continuing to support this league. Anyway, Smith won the Heisman, and it’s not like the NFL doesn’t know how to pack a few extra pounds of “all-natural” muscle on a guy. Change from V1.0

PK Pick: Penei Sewell. I don’t get this pick at all. OL is their 5th need, and they are plenty of good players at all of the other need positions available at 7. But this is Detroit, so who knows.

8. Carolina Panthers

Record: 5-11

Top Needs: QB, OL, CB, WR, S

The pick: I had Northwestern OL Rashawn Slater going here in the V2.0 originally, but with the expectation that they’d actually look to move this pick, having gotten their QB of the future in the Sam Darnold trade, (spends next 5 minutes telling class to stop laughing), but then Carolina went and unloaded Teddy Bridgewater to Denver for a 6th round pick and cash. So Darnold is the starter, with 1-2 years left on his deal),and Carolina, to me, is back in the market for a QB of the future. Because that is not going to be Darnold. I think this is probably the most likely pick to be moved to one of the teams looking to move up for a QB. Regardless of the team making the pick, I put North Dakota State QB Trey Lance going here.

PK Pick: Ohio State QB Justin Fields. It’s going to be him or Lance here, that seems certain.

9. Denver Broncos

Record: 5-11

Top Needs: QB, OL, LB, DL, RB

The pick: I was semi-convinced that they’d take Mac Jones, and also wanted to annoy Hippo by insisting that they would. But they didn’t just trade for Bridgewater to draft a QB at 9, so either they move this pick to someone, (the Bears are getting some press as a team looking to make a big move up and get a QB, and we all know they have no problem trading away an entire draft to do it), or they do what they likely should do and take Pedo State LB Micah Parsons here.

PK Pick: Trey Lance. To be fair, Peter put his draft out there before the trade with Carolina broke.

10. Dallas Cowboys

Record: 6-10

Top Needs: CB, OL, S, DL, LB

The pick: Alabama CB Patrick Surtain. Change from V1.0. I’m seeing far too many mocks having the Cowboys taking Surtain here, and almost none that have them doing anything else. The kid from South Carolina may be the better prospect, but he did have back surgery, and Surtain has the pedigree of not only being from Alabama, but also being the son of a former NFL player. I’m persuaded that such a combination will be too much for Ol’ Double J to resist. And it’s not like Surtain is exactly a reach here; he’s very good and has not had back surgery.

PK Pick: Surtain.

11. New York Football Giants

Record: 6-10

Top Needs: EDGE, OL, WR, RB, DT

The pick: I had Parsons going here in the original V2.0, but he’s gone now. Instead, let me borrow something from Peter King, of all people. The coach wants a receive, the GM wants Parsons, and the front office wants a cornerback. Parsons is gone, so it’s down to WR or CB. As much as I’d like to screw over the Eagles here, I’m going to try to out-Gettleman Gettleman, (you never go full Gettleman, though), and anticipate his inevitable reach. The pick here is Michigan Edge Kwity Paye. Never change, Dave, never change.

PK Pick: Parsons. Sure, if he’s there.

12. Philadelphia Eagles, from Miami via San Francisco

Record: 4-11-1

Top Needs: WR, CB, OL, LB, DL

The pick: I can see the Giants screwing the Eagles by taking him one pick in front of them, but if not the Eagles would be ecstatic to find Alabama WR DeVonta Smith here. Change from V1.0

South Carolina CB Jaycee Horn

13. San Diego Chargers

Record: 7-9

Top Needs: OL, CB, TE, S, DL

The pick: Northwestern OL Rashawn Slater. No change from V1.0, but definitely changed from the original V2.0.

PK Pick: Slater

[INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL FLIES OPEN]

WITH THE THIRTEENTH PICK, BOLTMAN SELECTS, DEATH BY IRON MAIDEN FOR THE HERETICS! TAKE THAT HOWEVER YOU PITIFUL MORTALS WISH! JUST KNOW BOLTMAN WILL BE ROCKING REGARDLESS!

[DOES AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF PUSHUPS, SPRINGBOARDS INTO A SERIES OF CARTWHEELS AND LANDS ON A RANDOM PASSERBY WITH A SICKENING, CRIMSON THUD]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

14. Minnesota Vikings

Record: 7-9

Top needs: OL, EDGE, S, LB, QB

The pick: USC OL Alijah Vera-Tucker. No change.

PK Pick: Vera-Tucker

15. New England Patriots

Record: 7-9

Top needs: QB, WR, CB, LB, DL

The pick: The pick: Ohio State QB Justin Fields. Good lord, how many virgins has Darth Hoodie tossed into various volcanoes to have Fields fall into his lap at 15? The answer of course, is “mumblegrumbleasmanyasittookgrumblemumble”.

PK Pick: Devonta Smith. I don’t see Smith being available at 15 in almost any circumstance.

16. Arizona Cardinals

Record: 8-8

Top needs: CB, WR, OL, S, RB

The pick: With all the shifting around due to the trade I have South Carolina CB Jaycee Horn still somehow around, (mostly because the Eagles were able to grab Smith in this version), and he’s too perfect a fit for Arizona to pass up here.

PK Pick: Greg Newsome, CB, Northwestern. Maybe if Horn isn’t available, but they could trade down from 16 and get him, too.

17. Las Vegas Raiders

Record: 8-8

Top needs: OL, S, LB, DT, CB

The pick: THIS GUY, I CALL HIM THE RAIDERS FIRST ROUND PICK, BECAUSE HE’S BEEN SHOOTING UP BOARDS AND THE RAIDERS ARE THE FIRST TEAM I FOUND THAT HAD A HIGH NEED FOR A SAFETY. “This guy” being TCU S Trevor Moehrig.

PK Pick: Caleb Farley, CB, Va. Tech. Again, being fair to PK, I think the Covid news broke after he published his mock draft. Even so, Farley is this spot seems a reach even for Gruden.

18. Miami Dolphins

Record: 10-6

Top needs: WR, EDGE, OL, RB, LB

The pick: I originally had Michigan DE Kwity Paye going here, but I decided to cave in to the temptation to think like Dave Gettleman and have now assigned him to the Giants about 7 picks too early. Miami still needs an edge rusher, however, so I’ll just move on down one spot to Pedo State Edge Jayson Oweh.

PK Pick: Miami Edge Jaelan Phillips. Distinctly possible.

19. Washington Watchmacallits

Record: 7-9

Top needs: OL, LB, TE, DB, QB

The pick: Va. Tech OT Christian Darrisaw Changing this to agree with PK, (I need a shower), because the shuffle of players resulting from the recent trades and illnesses has dropped Darrisaw to 19, whereas before I had him going higher.

PK Pick: Darrisaw. Like I said, I stole it off of him after seeing it and thinking “oh right, he’s now available!”

20. Chicago Bears

Record: 8-8

Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB, EDGE

The pick: Assuming that the Bears don’t blow up this year’s, (and next year’s) (and probably the year after that’s), draft in an effort to move up and draft the next Mitch Trubisky, they’re looking at secondary, but still good, talent at their primary areas of need. I had them taking Caleb Farley here, and there’s still a high-risk, high reward appeal to that, but I think Farley’s latest health issues, (while not his fault), are going to drop him even more than his back surgery already had. Because the NFL is run by dicks, you see. That said, it seems to my nearly completed uneducated and even worse informed self that the best option available to the Bears at this point is Oklahoma State OL Teven Jenkins.

PK Pick: Minnesota WR Rashod Bateman. I don’t think any of the remaining WRs are worth a pick this high.

21. Indianapolis Colts

Record: 11-5
Top needs: OL, EDGE, TE, CB, DL

The pick: Georgia Edge Azeez Ojulari. I’ve been seeing Ojulari’s name more and more as we get closer to the draft and I’ve been trying to find a sport for him. I just did. Unfortunately for him, it’s Indianapolis. Gravy up, Azeez!

PK Pick: /Trades pick to Browns, Browns take Notre Dame LB Owusu-Koramoah. PK always gets himself in trouble with trades. I don’t, because I don’t even try.

22. Tennessee Titans

Record: 11-5

Top needs: OL, WR, CB, TE, S

The pick: Minnesota WR Rashod Bateman. No change from V1.0. Wait, what? Something this far down held? I’ll be damned. of course, that means that there is not chance of that happening.

I am not going 8-32 this year.

PK Pick: /Trades pick to Baltimore, Baltimore takes Kwity Paye. Now he’s just being obnoxious.

23. New York Jets, from Seattle

Record: 2-14

Top needs: QB, CB, OL, Edge, TE

The pick: Va Tech CB Caleb Farley. They got their QB with Blair Wilson, (at least until Week 2, when they find out he’s not that good), so why not take a risk that the previously highest-ranked CB can stay healthy and give you one hell of a draft. Do it, Jets, I dare you. Change from V1.0.

PK Pick: Gregory Rosseau, Edge, Miami. Probably a better chance than mine. Someone will take a risk on Farley before this.

24. Pittsburgh Steelers

Record: 12-4

Top needs: OL, RB, EDGE, CB, LB

The pick: Alabama RB Najee Harris. I’m not big on using first-round picks on RBs, (ask me about Ezekiel Elliott’s declining production!), but the Steelers do need a running back, the 24th pick isn’t exactly high, and Harris is good. Makes as much sense as continuing to let Big Ben play QB anyway. Change from V1.0

PK Pick: Harris. Harris is an amazingly popular pick here, which means we’re probably all wrong.

25. Jacksonville Jaguars, from Los Angeles Rams

Record: 2-14

Top needs: QB, TE, DL, S, OL

The pick: Alabama DT Christian Barmore. No change from V1.0. I could look it up to see if there’s any need to change it, but that would take time, and I’ve got things to do.

PK Pick: Oweh.

26. Cleveland Browns

Record: 11-5

Top needs: EDGE, CB, LB, DT, OL

The pick: The Browns signed Jadeveon Clowney, and if they can reanimate his corpse and pair him with Myles Garret, while persuading the latter to keep other peoples helmets out of his hands, they should be good enough on the edges to not use this pick to address that position. The top CBs are all gone now, so we’re looking at linebacker here. That’s the position I had them drafting originally, but I’m changing it to Tulsa LB Zaven Collins, who seems to be this year’s “guy who came out of nowhere”, (American Athletic Conference, so same thing), to land in the first round. Change from V1.0.

PK Pick: Traded this to Baltimore, who use it to draft Samuel Cosmi, T, Texas

27. Baltimore Ravens

Record: 11-5

Top needs: EDGE, OL, DL, S, WR

The pick: The Ravens recently picked up a bunch of picks by sending Orlando Brown to Kansas City. They need an O-lineman to replace him, but they’re not going to get first round talent here. The last few O-lineman I’ve had drafted already had questions about them. The Ravens would be better off waiting and using some of their later picks to try to fill that hole. Instead, they take Miami Edge Gregory Rousseau here, addressing their biggest need. Apparently Rosseau has a connection to Calais Campbell, which won’t hurt. Change from Version 1.0

PK Pick: Traded it to Tennessee, who use it to take Ole Miss WR Elijah Moore. As much as I hate to give PK credit, I can see Tennessee taking Moore at 22, so if they can get an additional later round pick and still get their guy, good for them.

28. New Orleans Saints

Record: 12-4

Top needs: CB, WR, DL, LB, TE

The pick: Eric Stokes, CB, Georgia. Change from Version 1.0. I had the Saints taking a QB here, or more likely trading down to get one, but honestly I was just being lazy. I still am, but noticed that CB was their first need, and I had Eric Stokes one team below with Green Bay, so I simply moved him up. You like that kind of logic? This entire mock draft is built on it!

PK Pick: Tyson Campbell, CB, Georgia. Same church, different pews. PK also admits that this is his annual ‘who?’ guy, so don’t put much stock in this.

29. Green Bay Packers

Record: 13-3

Top needs: CB, DL, OL, LB, WR

The pick: FSU CB Asante Samuel, Jr. Change from V1.0, but they still need a CB and they still hate Aaron Rodgers, so it’s not like they’re going to get him any help in the first round. I mean, why would you want to do that when you’ve already gotten one whole Super Bowl out of him?

PK Pick: Kentucky LB Lamin Davis. I’ve never seen his name before this, but wish him well.

30. Buffalo Bills

Record: 13-3

Top needs: EDGE, CB, TE, RB, OL

The pick: I have to change this pick, because I saw too many people saying that the Steelers were going to draft Harris at 24, and frankly I’m just a lemming. I like Travis Etienne, Clemson’s RB, but no one else seems to like him in the first. Instead, let’s have the Bills focus on their top need and draft Miami Edge Jaelan Phillips. Change from V1.0.

PK Pick: Travis Etienne, RB, Clemson. King is the first person I noticed, (not that I looked all that hard), who liked Etienne as much as I did here.

31. Baltimore Ravens

Record: 11-5

Top needs: EDGE, OL, DL, S, WR

The pick: Liam Eichenberg OT, Notre Dame. Change from V1.0, in that the Ravens are making this pick to make up for having sent Orlando Brown to the Chiefs, instead of the Chiefs doing it for themselves. I love it when things work out so that I don’t have to do any work.

PK Pick: Alabama C-G Landon Dickerson. I’ve seen Dickerson’s name more and more lately, and also, (as King points out), that his legs seem to be shot to Hell. I don’t think Baltimore traded away Orlando Brown just to get access to handicapped parking. If Dickerson was somehow healthy, however, he’d apparently be a steal here.

32. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Record: 11-5

Top needs: EDGE, OL, RB, WR, QB

The pick: Washington DL Levi Onwuzurike. I can’t think of a reason to change it. There’s an edge kid out of Georgia who makes sense here as well, (and I have now moved him to Indianapolis anyway), but I’ve done enough of this for one day.

PK Pick: Barmore. Sure, but I already sent him to Jacksonville at 24.