INT. HOME OFFICE – DAY
A lazy slob with sits in front of a desktop computer. On his second monitor, a single image dominates the screen.
DJ 3000: YOU’RE SERIOUSLY NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING?
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I don’t have time!
DJ 3000: THE WEE BABY SEAMUS WOULD HAVE FOUND A WAY TO GET SOMETHING POSTED.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Thanks for opening the wound, asshole. And I have too much shit to do! I only just now finished reviewing that technical report from last night, and I promised another client I’d clean up the attempt he made at writing his own HTML this morning, and I don’t know if your clock is properly synched but morning is almost over.
DJ 3000: YEAH, BUT…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: …and I’ve got to clip all those photographs for our construction defects lawsuit – there’s literally 200 of them – and call our expert witness to arrange for him to deliver the new estimate, since he’s insisting it can’t be sent over the internet. Then I’ve got to update the HOA contact list spreadsheet and send it over to the folks at the Showtime network for the filming they’re looking to do on the shared property – speaking of which, do you know how to launder a kickback?
DJ 3000: NO, BUT I CAN LOOK IT UP.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Please do that. Also, I promised my ex-girlfriend I’d have her sewing machine back to her by next week so I need to find a pattern for the dog sweater and sew that, and my swimming headband too, and I’m not sure when my neighborhood council representative is going to ask for his chainsaw back so I really need to keep hacking away at that bamboo, and of course the car needs washing after the Dr. Mrs. took it Sacramento, and I need to make those turkey burgers…
DJ 3000: YOU DID THAT LAST NIGHT.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Oh, right. And I’ve got to set up the Instant Pot and cook that chili, and I told myself I’d try to get a workout in at some point today so I can justify drinking myself into oblivion tonight.
DJ 3000: I’M NOT SAYING THAT IT’S NOT GOOD THAT YOU’VE SET UP AN INCENTIVE STRUCTURE FOR THAT, BUT MAYBE…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: And on top of all that, you want me to write an edition of Request Line.
DJ 3000: IF YOU HADN’T ABANDONED YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT I COULD HAVE JUST HARVESTED SOME PERSONAL INFORMATION AND TENDENCIES AND WRITTEN IT FOR YOU.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: You said the vaccine nanobots would eliminate any need for facebook!
DJ 3000: ONCE THEY COLLECT ENOUGH DATA, SURE. BUT THEY’VE ONLY BEEN OPERATIONAL IN YOUR BLOODSTREAM FOR FOUR WEEKS, IT’S JUST NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH YET.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Wait…are you transcribing this conversation?
DJ 3000: OF COURSE, AND WE’VE GOT THE ALEXA RUNNING TOO IN CASE WE NEED A BACKUP.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Then just use it.
DJ 3000: THIS CONVERSATION?
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Yes, use it as a lead-in for Request Line.
DJ 3000: OKAY. WHAT’S THE THEME?
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I don’t know. Um…it’s the second day of the draft, so…how about songs that people associate with players their teams have drafted?
DJ 3000: CAN DO. I’LL GET THINGS STARTED WITH ONE FOR THE RAIDERS.
Isn’t I am the Walrus a Chiefs anthem?
Rodger’s Chair.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_Nh-NsqBsGE
Reporter: “You’re the 24th pick in the 1991 draft-how does that make you feel?”
Todd Marinovich:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=niJ1ozi4o7o&ab_channel=Mary-Kate%26AshleyMusic
Reporter: “You washed out of the CFL. How’d you describe your career so far?”
Todd Marinovich:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjiOtouyBOg&ab_channel=masa064
Reporter: “You got into drugs. Why?”
Todd Marinovich:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdt0SOqPJcg&ab_channel=PhilGoodFactor1
D’oh! Much like the 2003 Vikings, I messed this up and am going to need to redo things.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=LhBOpcK3-Bk
First Overall Pick [when reality sets in]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkLOg252KRE&ab_channel=WaronDrugsVEVO
Ryan Pace to Dave Gettleman, looking to trade up-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru3gH27Fn6E&ab_channel=BeastieBoysVEVO
/Mel Kiper Jr.’s forehead has entered the chat
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dom7VlltBUc&ab_channel=dixiechicksVEVO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X-xIC1lEKw
The Mr. Irrelevant theme song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-crgQGdpZR0
I stayed up until 2 last night listening to ABBA. Fernando was such a brave sort.
I’ve told the story before, but knowing the lyrics to every ABBA tune on their greatest hits album got me laid more than once.* Thanks, younger sister!
*twice
The most common roster-building approach in the League:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pOFWHty4XFQ
Jets draft the BYU QB at #2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e370GUVRlQo
“With the seventh pick of the 2003 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkKxmnrRVHo
Think of this. Even though Rodgers wants to go to the ‘9ers or Raiders or Broncos, what if he gets traded to Pittsburg and has Tomlin as a coach.
https://youtu.be/LOILZ_D3aRg
Fred and Ginger were awesome!
Matt Millen, drafting Mike Williams (his third first-round WR in a row)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6dzOsM0gTw
…the air was thick with the smell of TEMPTATION
I don’t remember if there were any sad souls they had cameras on last night who didn’t go in the first round, but if there were
https://youtu.be/bm51ihfi1p4
the soundtrack of me life, that!!
I hope and pray none of y’all have to endure your squadron drafting a Tebow.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gVmWsOXOJA
This one is pretty appropriate for most teams’ drafts:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JkIs37a2JE
Bears’ rookie QB looking at Ryan Pace:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WJ6FbcWYRU
Every GM on draft day:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcfXWtI7ML0
You picked Love and Rockets over The Temptations? Matt Millen, everybody!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9poCAuYT-s
ya, but I don’t recognize the Temptations version, so didn’t post it.
Run, run, run, but you sure can’t hide.
Jets fans’ reaction to every pick ever:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yq7FKO5DlV0
“…been haunted by a million screams.”
Also, apologies to Jets fans by confronting them with impossible Hollywood standards of beauty that they cannot possibly live up to.
The whole meat market that is the NFL combine/draft process:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L4YrGaR8E4
(By the way, SonOfSpam, are you just letting YouTube go on random, then trying to fit the current song in this draft somehow?)
You know it, Other SonOfSpam.
As an added twist, try to identify players that aren’t specifically named.
I wish I could describe Aaron Rodgers’ draft night movement…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QU1nvuxaMA
“I was gonna get drafted in the top ten picks…”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeYsTmIzjkw
“C’mon Elisha…you had a good career!”
“But I TOLD those icky Chargers to leave me alone!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmpRLQZkTb8
AGENT: Are you ready to get higher than you’ve ever been before?
GOD-BOY: I’ve been drafted by Denver?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi_3GtQN2IA
Remember when the C-Hawks drafted Charmslinger?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D2qcbu26gs
There’s a draft in this, but not one where you want to go first overall:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40JmEj0_aVM
Welcome to DUUUUUVVVVVAAAAAALLLLLlllllll, Sunshine/Prison Girlfriend!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K_-D5B7DIg
Doubleshot.
ESS EEE CEE, PAWWLLLL!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPt9qQ77eAU
Since the draft is now three days, i think this song is fitting. Really trying to find any excuse to post it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=onjaC3A2xjk
Another Raiders pick, a little happier.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28ULUQgxJ5M
“Sorry, man I don’t really do happiness.” – Derek Carr
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzCWf62s3Zw