Bon Jour, Mes Ami! It’s Horatio with your preview for the French Lesser Footy team in the 2020 Euros, to be held in 2021 because of #NuAIDs. Do I know anything about the Euros? French soccer? Soccer? France? No, no, I follow Arsenal so no, and I can find it on a map. So how did this jerk-off get this job? I said I’d do it and no one was paying any attention. It’s a lot like how I passed the bar exam. Anyway, prepare to be dazzled!
We’re on the verge of the greatest international sports summer ever! We have:
Copa América
Euro 2020
Concacaf Gold Cup
Tokyo Olympic Games
And it all starts on June 11, 2021 with the European Soccer (Football) championships aka Euro 2020!
Yes, it is 2021 but they decided to keep the name, ok?
From now until the tourney starts, we’ll be giving you previews for every country in Euro 2020, DFO-style, of course. We will also provide previews of all the Copa América countries as the Copa América starts on June 13, 2021 right after Euro 2020 starts.
Euro 2020 will be broadcast in English on ESPN in the United States and on TSN in Canada. Univisión has the Spanish language rights in the US and TVA has the French language rights in Canada. I don’t have the handy schedule imbedded because I have no idea how to do it nor interest in figuring it out.
Today’s team is:
France!
NAWT an unattractive flag!
Also please applaud my restraint in not going for the cheap white flag joke. It was not an easy decision.
Country Fun Facts
Humans have occupied France for at least 1.8 million years. For most of that time they have hated the English. Not without reason.
The name ‘France’ is derived from the Latin “Franci”, or “realm of the Franks”, which is not a promising start to a country.
Nope, not even a little bit. Nonetheless, they persisted
.
Hoo boy, that’s good persisting!
No one on the right side of American politics wants to admit this, but the French were crucial in America defeating England as quickly as they did. I mean, given the problems England was having with supply lines, its own economy, the size of the Colonies, as well as demographic realities on the ground, the American victory was probably inevitable, but it was the financial and military of assistance from France that made it
Oh, right, the Euros thing!
Team Schedule
France is in Group F with Germany, Hungary, and Portugal. At long last, a conflict between France and Germany.
Tuesday, June 15, 2021 – 3 PM – France v Germany – Munich
Saturday June 19 2021 – 9AM – Hungary v. France – Budapest
Wednesday June 23 2021 – 3 PM – Portugal v. France – Budapest
Team Preview / Top Players
France is the reigning, defending, world champion, which I guess means they’re pretty good.
Les Bleus won the Euro in 1984 and 2000. They were runner-up to Portugal in 2016.
The French are led by Antoine Griezmann, a striker with Barcelona, and N’Golo Kante, (have we mentioned France’s colonial past? No? Just as well), a mid-fielder with Chelsea. Also Kylian Mbappe, widely regarded as one of the best players in the world and almost certainly the best player in France, he somehow finds time to play lesser footy while also training for the Olympic diving team with whoever the French equivalent of Greg Louganis is. Seriously, Mbappe is an amazing player, but his diving is maddening.
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] Girls”
Today I learned that Eva Green is French!
Best result when you Google Image Search “Hot [Country] Food”
This is Bouef Bourguignon, and I expect to to appear in Sunday Gray tout de suite. That’s French for “soon”! 
Horatio, Have you ever been to this country?
Nope. One time Mrs. Cornblower wanted to take me when she came into some money, but I said no because I had law school exams.
Never, ever, go to law school.
Why you should root for this country
You like American independence
You enjoy eating heavy, rich foods
You think you have a chance with Eva Green
You enjoy soccer played at a high-level with the occasional soupcon of highly annoying diving by players that are better than that.
Why you should NOT root for this country
You are German
You realize that you have no chance with Eva Green, but are bitter about it
You are in the GOP and still think “Freedom Fries” is a thing
You enjoy soccer played at a high-level, but the occasional soupcon of highly annoying diving by players that are better than that is too much.
Pronostiquering
SkyBet has them 5 to 1 to win the whole thing, and if not the favoUrite they’re in the Top 3.
I don’t know much about international soccer, but when I see a Group with Germany, Portugal, France, and Hungary, I think “Group of Death”: someone is getting screwed here, and not in a good way. My guess is that Hungary gets curb-stomped while the other three fight amongst themselves as though long-standing territorial disputes have flared up, something two of them should be very, very familiar with. Portugal won the Euro in 2016, (remember 2016? So much fun until November), and France won the 2018 World Cup. Meanwhile die Mannschaft has been die schiesen in international tournaments of late. France is proabbly the best overall team, but Portugal doesn’t suck, and Germany is essentially playing at home in this Group.
I will hazard what is very much a guess that France takes the group with 2 wins and a draw, and Portugal squeaks by Germany for second. France will probably have an easier time out of the group stage, and I will say that they get at least to the semi-finals.
After that? The deluge, of course.
the cheap white flag joke.
That particular joke is currently reserved for use by the Confederate Battle Flag.
Also, Frank failure now extends to websites named Frank.
I like boeuf bourguignon, but I loooooove Flemish carbonnade.
Ummm…
So this is the person who uses the drive-through teller machine with braille on it.
Stevie at the wheel!
That just flashed me back to this. What a classic… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhxlOtqrzUA
Here’s a warning tag on some venetian blinds I just installed.
I think you (or even a child) have to really go out of your way to have this happen as illustrated. You have to want it.
I fixed it:
OMG, THAT’S PERFECT!
“I don’t know, the length doesn’t seem right to me.” — Brett Favre
As we would say in the fleet, Bravo Zulu!
oh well. Everton at least gave it their all today. Just don’t have that extra bit of quality needed.
Stupid work meetings getting in the way of me watching a Derby.
I think United wins 8-2 today.
Also, the football gods must punish the Scousers for their fans’ shithousery like this:
https://twitter.com/UTDHamzyj/status/1392175605903499268?s=20
It’s the hope that kills you.
— West Virginia Mountaineers’ football slogan since 1867.
Vive la France! Let me bust out some of my tres useful high school francais
Non, non, il est au zoo!
Les Duponts arrive dans une heure.
Ou est la biblioteque?
Salut Luc! Comment va-tu?
Ne pas tres bien.
C’est dommage!
Since I have only lived in Asia and the US, and I think I failed French in HS, allow me to translate this for the crowd:
“No! NO! Not with the animal!”
“The Duponts go on in an hour.”
“Where is the disco at?”
“Sucked Luke! No comment?”
“Three bean salad.”
“I’m a dominatrix!”
You are welcome, everyone.
Big day for cazoos in Birmingham.
Weird Al should have played accordion at halftime.
Decoy buses, players arriving 7 hours early, all the barriers hiding the accessible nooks and crannies of rotting Old Trafford. If United could organise their transfers and rebuild the stadium as efficiently as this, they’d still be a top 5 club in the world!
Can I just say that Liverpool should have 3 points deducted because they purposely drove to a protest instead of driving around it to get to Old Trafford?
oh, at minimum!! 😀
The road flare portion of Manure Supporters React Reasonably protests have begun. I hope Brick is watching!
God bless those hooligans who entertain me ever so . . .
Excellent preview. And yes, France in WWII (and especially some real badasses in French Resistance) did some pretty unsung heroism.
Mbappe is streets ahead of Ronaldo y Messi now (not on a career basis, but I’d take him first any day in schoolyard pick ’em), and I suspect he will make this el torneo his bitch.
One day, I really want to visit Alsace-Lorraine just to see what the big fucking deal apparently was over this little piece of BFE.
The realm of the Franks with the accompanying gif was perfect.
“Seriously, Mbappe is an amazing player, but his diving is maddening”
I blame Neymar for this.
Eva Green needs to be in more movies.
Neymar is the fucking worst. Watching him makes my eyes bleed.
Eva Green needs to be on a bar stool next to me, drinking bourbon and laughing as the other patrons filter out, right before my wife comes in, pushes me off the bar stool, and then takes Eva home herself.
The creepy thing about Neymar is just how close he is with his sister.
Niedermeyer and his horse nod agreement at the same time.
“Never, ever, go to law school.”
So, become a lawyer the Kim Kardashian way?
You mean, tweet a lot about how you’re totally going to do it, and then fall mysteriously silent every time the first year (baby bar) exam results are posted?
Without Daddy’s money they would be working in a brothel with the mother as the madam, and with Caitlyn working the fetish or niche crowd