Monday Morning Mock Draft: Chapter The 11th, (Because I Forgot Last Week’s Title)

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.

This week’s draft comes from the esteemed Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, who in turn was inspired by the original KSK Mock Draft. Apparently the had one where you drafted your rock star girlfriend, (or boyfriend, if that’s what floats your boat), and he made some mention of it. Despite having no recollection of said draft a lightbulb clicked in my head, a lightbulb that said, “Hey! If you rip this idea off, you don’t actually have to do any thinking this week!” Well, that talking lightbulb certainly sold me. With that, this week’s topic is “Rock Star Girlfriend/Boyfriend”

Rules:

They have be a musical act, solo or part of a band, doesn’t matter

They do not have to be alive, but please make sure that you let us know you’re drafting them in their prime, or you will be judged harshly.

The draft, much like the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, is, despite its name, not confined to the rock genre. If he or she is ska, rap, blues or, ugh, pop country, you go right ahead and live that little fantasy.

Finally, please do not use this draft as an excuse to write more fan fiction and send it to said artist. No one needs that, least of all the artist in question. Unless it’s like, Morrissey. Go ahead and bug him.

Since Rikki gave me this idea, however inadvertently, he gets the first pick. I suspect Susannah Hoffs is going to be off the board with a quickness. The rest of you,

— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] —

An incredibly handsome man strides into the room. He’s of below-average height, but is brimming with such self-confidence he might as well be ten feet tall. On his arm is…

 

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ArmedandHammered

And one more, of course you would have to be very respectful towards her dad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_x-Yec9awso

ArmedandHammered

Really good pic of her:
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s a phenomenal pick

Dunstan

Is there a max number of rounds, or do we just keep going until we’re all…uh, spent?

Fourth pick:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3mSb6IGCZw

ArmedandHammered

Did not care for her music at all but – Samantha Fox.
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scotchnaut

Holy Crap! I was trying to find the vid where she was in a bikini, showing off her assets. I think she’s on the other team though.

ArmedandHammered

Does it matter? Actually that makes some of my more self created vignettes more likely to be real!

scotchnaut

This fantasy draft has to have standards!

scotchnaut

This draft don’t impress me much. Super Big Plus-She’s from Timmins, Ontario!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqFLXayD6e8&ab_channel=ShaniaTwainShaniaTwain

SonOfSpam

Plus she married Mutt Lange, so you have a legit chance.

scotchnaut

One thing I remembered about her was she was on a show and Mitch Hedberg did standup afterwards and she was laughing so hard she was crying. I think it was the “Ducks eat for free at Subway” line that put her over.

BeefReeferLives

I always found Zooey to be attractive in a “I’m crazier than Mary Todd Lincoln” kinda way. I imagine a fling with her would be exhausting, but fun…comment image

Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Okay, if that’s the way the Dr. Mrs. wants to play this, I guess I’ll be making that second pick after all…”

[does Google search for “sexy kpop gifs”]

[redoes Google search as “sexy kpop girls gifs”]

“Yes, this ‘Bomi’ of well-known rock band ‘Girl Crush’ will do nicely.”
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Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you’d like to see that gif in all it’s full-resolution glory…

https://www.reddit.com/r/kpopfap/comments/dt7cye/girl_crush_bomi/

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You can take the rest of the afternoon off. You will not be needed.” – me, to my imagination

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
SonOfSpam

2nd DFO pick (in addition to the already-owned-for-life Susanna Hoffs), I’ll take the adorable and talented Norah Jones
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Warthog

That’s first round value.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

100%

Gumbygirl

Ok, pick number two. Fuck you guys in advance!

220px-Keith-Richards_and_guitar.jpg
Game Time Decision

Either going to get “dude ” or the pick rejected but here goes:

Kristen Bell

She sings in the Frozen 2 movie and is on the soundtrack

Last edited 2 years ago by Game Time Decision
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Why would that get a dude? This is a better pick than several others that preceded it.

Game Time Decision

For being such an out there pick

litre_cola

Had to look up whether she was a singer. 17 Disney songs to her resume.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Will tWBS come back and get in a fight with me if i take Shirley Manson?
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Last edited 2 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Gumbygirl

If he does, I’m putting five bucks on him to kick your ass.

litre_cola

Actually BFC modelled his new GWS guernsey for us and he is swole as fuck now. Howevah, TWBS being undead probably trumps that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Swole” and “swollen” are not the same, but thank you

Gumbygirl

He’s been through hell, there isn’t anything/anybody he can’t handle. I wouln’t mess with him!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also, if tWBS was still here, i likely would already have had reason to post this

https://youtu.be/6OamjBYCAz4

Gumbygirl

Yesss!

LemonJello

4th Round!

Her name ain’t baby, it’s Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty…

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Gumbygirl

Gumby has chosen Dolores O’ Riordan. He has a thing for insane Irish women, which explains why we’ve been married for 38 years.

TheRevanchist

Awe! I love that pic just for that reason.

Gumbygirl

Wait till you hear my second pick!

litre_cola

Since Hippo is sleeping or napping, Nikki Monninger from Silversun Pickups.
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TheRevanchist

Claire England from the band Dude York.

DudeYork.jpg
Dunstan

After taking blonde white women in the first two rounds, I’m in danger of being cancelled if I don’t add some diversity to the team. So I’m going to take Foxy Cleopatra-era Beyonce:

foxy_cleo.jpg
SonOfSpam

As Rikki knows, I got Ms Hoffs in the KSK draft and have a lifetime contract. He will have to settle for the Devil’s Threeway with Lenny Kravitz.

My first DFO pick? Thanks for asking.

I am a smooth operator.
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Deal. This shouldn’t take long.

[sets out a chocolate eclair loaded with poison]

Hey whose eclair is that? Looks like nobody is claiming it, SonOfSpam, did you want it?

LemonJello

“Dibs!”

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Gumbygirl

Since Dr.Mrs. Deadly stole Lenny K right out from under me(watch out, he’s a bit sticky) I will go with Michael Hutchence, since he’s still hanging around.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS PERSON GUMBYGIRL I CALL HER MY PARENTS AT THE FOURTH GRADE TALENT SHOW BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T SHOW UP ON TIME AND NOW I’M MISERABLE AND EMBARRASSED.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pre-reality show Gwen Stefani

Game Time Decision

Shakira. Maybe I’d finally learn another language

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Honey, can you repeat that with your hips?”

LemonJello

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Game Time Decision

-Judges you in Spanish

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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yeah right

Terri Nunn, lead singer for Berlin was not unattractive. They put on a decent live show as well.

Warthog

Going old school. In her prime Marianne Faithfull. I doubt I’d be able to keep up, but it’d be a hell of a ride for those few hours.
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Gumbygirl

I was listening to a poem from her new album the other day. Yes, poem. She recites poetry while Nick Cave plays weird music in the background. It’s actually kind of epic!

Gumbygirl

The Lady of Shallot, Tennyson. “A curse be upon her, if she stay.” Or something like that.

LemonJello

Been over 30 minutes, going for Round 3 and I have a meeting shortly:

Kylie Minogue.

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Gumbygirl

When we lived in Scotland, my son used to rush home to watch very young Kylie on Neighbors. He loved her with all his little second grade heart, bless him!

litre_cola

Mrs. Cola chimes in,
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LemonJello

Is that Drake from State Farm?

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LemonJello

Does he have to work to look like he doesn’t shower, or is it just natural?

litre_cola

Wife knew who this guy was.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Janelle Monae
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Dunstan

I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying. So I’d better draft Olivia Newton-John, because I honestly love her:

olivia.jpg
TheRevanchist

She’s on my shortlist, too, but went with Carmen Electra as my first pic.

litre_cola

Question for the judges, does have a polygamous relationship with Robert Palmer’s backup band here count?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcATvu5f9vE

litre_cola

Sort of alive sex robots? Hell yeas.

LemonJello

Round 2? Faith Hill

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Dunstan

Was giving serious consideration to her as my next pick

TheRevanchist

Carmen Electra
https://youtu.be/nXZKKSJKdsQ

So hawt…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s musical act and not rocker?

TheRevanchist

She got her start with Prince, so you know it’s rockin’.

litre_cola

Since I am late, I will take my 2nd one. Florence all day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czD02wPfl68

litre_cola
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[phone rings]

RIKKI: Moshi Moshi?

[brief delay, followed by a chiming noise that sounds like an angelic choir]

RIKKI: Um…Ahoy-hoy?

OPERATOR: Will you accept a collect call from “RIKKITHISISTHEWEEBABYSEAMUSWITHMYFIRSTPICKIWANTYOUTODRAFTALICIAWITTFORME”?
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

LENNY KRAVITZ: What the heck is that noise?

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): It’s just Rikki pounding on the windows. He’ll get tired soon enough and go away. But speaking of pounding…
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(Yes, that’s who she chose with her first round pick. Damnit, Horatio, why didn’t you make this a draft of “musicians” so I could declare him ineligible?)

Gumbygirl

Shit.

Warthog

Hippo left her on the board, so I’m going with Margo Timmins.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tori Amos

scotchnaut

Perforated Septum/Second Cocaine Cowgirl Alert!:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn8-4tjPxD8&ab_channel=JColunga

King Hippo

I dunno how a law-talking-guy don’t drink coffee. Were you once in the Magic Underwear Brigade?

King Hippo

Pick the Second – Sharon Van Etten. She’s First Round Value, but I have longed for/known about Dearest Emily for longer.

PS – if you want me to set you up with Ms. Olsen, she is from/still lives in my parents’ hometown (Asheville, North Cakalaky)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ibj87fwRaM

Dunstan

Early solo career Belinda Carlisle.

Dunstan

What can I say? I’m just Mad About Her.

LemonJello

They say Heaven is a place on Earth…

LemonJello

Christina Aguilera.

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litre_cola

Served her room service Champagne in Edinburgh during the MTV music awards back in the day. Absolutely lovely individual.

Warthog

A young hog borrowed his sister’s Linda Rondstadt albums quite a bit.
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King Hippo

hey, it beats working out!

King Hippo

Fortunately, I can replicate that effect by remembering the really good ribeye steak sandwich I had a few months ago.

/much easier than finding a coke dealer in this day and age

//plus would it pair that well with opium??

King Hippo

/rushes to podium

Emily Haines goddamnit!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StdBsUzJDTA

yeah right

I’ll select Chrissie Hynde in her prime.

Brick Meathook

I take a young Katy Perry telling me all about Bible School while I’m making her bounce ‘n jiggle all over for Christ, the hard way.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s a nice tWBS tribute pick.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I almost feel bad taking her with Moose AWOL, but….Debbie Harry should have been the first pick anyway

scotchnaut

Ha! I thought about doing an in absentia pick for Moose. And what with Wonder Woman not being in a band, the choice was obvious.

scotchnaut

She looks damn judgy for sure.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

SUSANNA: Rikki, what are you doing?

RIKKI: [at computer] Oh, just checking the DFO draft.

SUSANNA: You’re not making another pick, are you?

RIKKI: Of course not! I’ve got everything I’ll ever need. I’m just curious to see who those other chumps are taking.

SUSANNA: [smiles]

DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): You silly man. Come back to bed.

Don T

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Don T

/turns on Autopick
//throws bucket of ice water on hisself

Don T

As a general rule, marriages for immigration reasons don’t count.

Nor does the “Now that we’ve been intimate, and therefore chained to me until death, I have to tell you something”. ppl forget that

scotchnaut

I’ll go (somewhat) obscure out of the gate-I saw The Spoons live way back when in a very small venue and bass player Sandy Horne was impossibly beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SvgY7hGFOY&ab_channel=MidnightVisions

ArmedandHammered

Joan Jett (although it is Lita Ford singing) –

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EBvXpjudf8

Gumbygirl

That’s Cherie Curry singing. Lita was playing the guitar.